If This Is Home

by Kristine Scarrow

  “We could drive to the provincial park,” my grandma offers, but Mom shakes her head.

  “I don’t think I’m up for that today,” she admits. “Let’s do that another day.”

  We stop at the KFC drive-through and pick up lunch. Although she will probably only eat a bite or two if we are lucky, the chicken is Mom’s request. I balance the bucket of chicken on my thighs while Kurt holds the tray of drinks. As we drive down the dirt road to my grandma’s house, we see a black sedan parked in front. I suck in my breath. I know exactly who it is, and my grandma does, too. She purposely parks away from the other car and points us facing the trees.

  “Stay here,” she says firmly. Mom’s head is resting against the headrest. She has her eyes closed and doesn’t even notice that we’re parked away from the house. Ellie is having thumb wars with Kurt. He looks at me quiz­zically, but I don’t say anything. I watch as my grandma marches over to the tall figure. He is standing beside the car and looking up at the house. He has seen us pull up, and when I catch a glimpse of his face I see how nervous he looks.

  I can’t hear their words, but I can tell from my grandma’s body language that she is telling him to go. She keeps looking back at our car and it dawns on me that she is hoping my mom doesn’t see him.

  My grandma opens his car door for him and motions for him to get back inside, but he doesn’t. His eyes squint toward my grandma’s car, and then his face changes to one of resolve. He brushes past my grandma and makes his way toward us.

  “No!” I hear my grandma yell. She runs after him and pulls on his arm, but he shakes her off and con­tinues toward us.

  “Oh, no,” I whisper. Kurt’s head whips around, and he sees the man heading toward us and my grandma trailing after him, panicked.

  “Who is that?! What should I do?!” There is urgency in his voice. He knows something is wrong.

  “It’s okay,” I say calmly. I’ve tried to protect my mom from him, but I know that there’s no stopping what’s about to happen now. “It’s my dad.”

  Chapter 26

  He does not look into the back seat for us. Instead, he opens the passenger’s side door. My mom’s eyes fly open in surprise, and she gasps when she sees him standing over her. He looks broken, his handsome face weary and sad. Even his salt-and-pepper hair looks drab and unruly. He reaches for her hand, but she pulls it away and keeps it from him.

  “Eleanor,” he says. His voice is strained and sad. His eyes are pleading with her to acknowledge him. She remains still and silent. I don’t know what to do.

  “Mom?” I say slowly. Ellie’s eyes are wide at the sight of my dad here. All of ours are. How did he know where we were? Why did he come?

  “Joe, you have to go,” my grandma says. But I see Mom’s face, and I know the damage has already been done. Our efforts to protect her from seeing him have been dashed.

  “Eleanor,” he says again, and this time his voice breaks.

  I open the back door, and the three of us climb out of the car. My dad looks pitiful, standing there and hoping to talk with my mom. It’s the first time they’ve seen each other in over four years, and I hope he sees every inch of pain on my mom’s face.

  Mom tries to get herself out of the car, but can’t. My dad reaches for her, but she bristles and motions for Kurt. Kurt slides his arms behind her back and under her legs and carries her out in one easy motion. She looks so small and frail in his arms. It makes me sad to see how easy it is for Kurt to carry her. My grandma takes the oxygen tank and follows close behind as we all head toward the house, my dad last in tow.

  “Get her inside,” my grandma says, fumbling for her house key.

  Kurt disappears with her beyond the front door, and Ellie runs in after them, leaving me and my grandma with my dad.

  “Please,” my dad pleads. “I need to talk to her. Just give me five minutes.”

  “This is not a good idea, Joe,” Grandma says. “I think it would be best if you left.”

  “I need to talk to her,” he repeats.

  She remains steadfast and shakes her head.

  “You didn’t even tell me you were leaving Saskatoon. Were you trying to hide them from me? Did you think I wasn’t going to find them? Of course I’d remember this place. I was the one who came all those years ago and picked Eleanor up when you threw her out, remember?”

  My grandma bristles at his remark.

  “I want to be part of my daughters’ lives. They’ve lost too much,” Dad says.

  “That’s fair,” Grandma says. “But right now —”

  Kurt appears in the doorway. “Jayce,” he says. “Your mom wants to talk to him.”

  Before I can say or do anything, my dad marches straight through the door. My grandma and I both bolt after him, but Mom puts her hand up and motions for the two of us to go. We stare at each other, incredulous. It doesn’t feel right to leave the two of them alone together. Neither of us moves. Mom waves at us again.

  Grandma and I back out of the room reluctantly. Mom seems to be struggling more with her breath, and I want to berate my dad for stressing her out and putting her through this. We take Ellie by the hand and shut the door behind us, defeated.

  “Sorry,” Kurt says, as though somehow this is his fault.

  “You did nothing wrong,” my grandma tells him. “I just hope Eleanor knows what she’s doing.” We all stand nervously on the front porch, unsure of what to do with ourselves.

  “Well, let’s eat,” my grandma says. None of us seems interested now.

  We wait for what feels like an eternity. My ears practically burn with curiosity about what they are talking about. I wonder if he’s trying to convince her of his love for her despite his decision to abandon us and marry someone else. How could he possibly explain away the hurt he’s caused us? I wonder if he’s begging her to let him have custody of us. I think about going to Prince Albert and having Mallory as my stepmom. She seemed like a nice woman, but I have no desire to live with her. I pray that Mom does not give him this option.

  When my dad emerges from the house, he looks spent. “Your mom wants to talk to you,” he says to me. I glance at him in surprise and run into the house. Mom is sitting in the recliner. She looks so strong and sure of herself sitting there.

  “What did he want?” I demand.

  “Jayce, it’s fine,” she replies.

  “No, it’s not. Was he trying to convince you of his love for you? How did he explain away how he left you to be a single parent and lied to you for years?”

  “It wasn’t that easy.”

  “Oh, sure. One bat of his eyes, and you fall all over again.”

  “Jayce!” Mom barks at me. The sharpness of her voice causes me to jump.

  “Sorry,” I say immediately.

  “I believe your dad did love us. I really do. Did he make mistakes? Yes. Huge ones that he can’t take back. Is he sorry and does he regret it? Yes, I believe he does.”

  “So you’ve forgiven him? Just like that?”

  “Jayce, you’re a magnificent daughter. You have helped so much. You’ve been practically another mother to your sister. She is so lucky to have you.”

  “Don’t change the subject.” I stare down at my hands. Tears start to drop onto my lap.

  “I practically grew up with you; I was so young when you were born. And growing up means doing things like forgiving people.”

  “No. It sounds like it means you’re giving up.”

  “I wish I could stay with you, Jayce. I don’t know how much time I have left on this earth. And I need to know that you’ll be taken care of.”

  “So, what? You’re going to give us to him? You can’t leave me with these people. You’re the only stable thing in my life. You and Ellie. What if Grandma decides she’s had enough of us, too?”

  “You’ll be fine. These people love you. They will be
there for you.” My mom holds her arm out for me to come closer and I kneel beside her and rest my head on her.

  “But what if they’re not?” I am hysterical now. How can she be so sure?

  “They will, J.J. They made mistakes and want to make good on them now. And everyone makes mistakes and deserves another chance. Just give him a chance, Jayce.”

  “Your love is the one thing I’ve always been sure of,” I sob into her.

  “That will never ever change. No matter what happens to me, I’ll always be with you,” Mom assures me. She hugs me fiercely and kisses my head. I cling to her and cry until there’s nothing left.

  “How is she?” Grandma asks when I step back outside. She is clearly worried.

  “She’s okay. She’s asleep again.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yes. I’m fine.” I’m surprised to see that my dad’s car is still there, and I’m even more surprised when I see him pushing Ellie on the swing. “Is he staying?”

  “No,” my grandma says. “Not unless you want him to.”

  I shake my head no.

  When my dad sees me back outside, he stops the swing and takes Ellie’s hand and leads her back to the house.

  “So, we’ll be in touch?” I tell him, signalling him to go. I will not close the door on us. Although Ellie and I may have been robbed of a dad up until this point, we have the chance for one now. I know I don’t want to go live with him, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still have him in my life in some capacity. Maybe we’ll grow to have a good relationship. Someday.

  “Okay, Jayce.” He nods. It’s not the answer he wants to hear, but he seems relieved that I’m open to working on things between us.

  “My door is always open to you,” he says. “I mean it.”

  I nod and bid him goodbye. He waves to everyone and then walks back to his car. We watch him pull away.

  “I want to stay here,” I announce, once Dad’s car is out of sight. Everyone is watching me. It takes courage to say it but I say it again, “I want to stay right here. For good.”

  My grandma bursts into a smile. “Are you sure?” she asks. Kurt comes and puts his arm around me for support.

  I nod. “If you’ll have us.” Tears cascade down my cheeks. Grandma rushes to me and pulls me so tight I can barely breathe. She motions for Ellie to come and join in and the three of us stand united.

  “I’ve never wanted anything more.”

  Chapter 27

  The next day, Mom rises for a bit in the morning and then goes back to sleep for several hours. When she wakes up, she is struggling for breath more than usual and doesn’t have the energy to rise. We take turns sitting with her while she lies in bed. I braid her hair and read to her. She doesn’t join us for supper that night.

  “We’ve probably pushed her too hard the past couple of days,” I say. Between the sightseeing and the encounter with my dad, we’ve sapped a lot of what little energy she has.

  “Well, something tells me your mom wouldn’t have had it any other way,” my grandma says. She’s right. Mom is determined to do what she wants to for as long as she can. We slurp the homemade soup that’s steaming in our bowls and mop up the remains with freshly baked bread. I hope that Mom will eat when she wakes. The meal is heavenly.

  “So, Kurt, I was thinking …” My grandma is rinsing her empty bowl. “There’s really no sense in you driving back tomorrow. If you’ve got nothing pressing to get back to, why don’t you stay?”

  “I don’t want to impose, Mrs. Nichols,” Kurt replies. “I’ll just make it a quick visit.”

  “Impose? You are part of our family,” she says matter-of-factly.

  “Thanks, but I really should go back and give you guys your time.”

  “You’re not getting what I’m saying, young man.” My grandma looks at him pointedly. “Why don’t you think about coming to live here?” I choke on the last of my food. Live here? She’s inviting Kurt to move in? His eyes are practically bulging out of his head in surprise.

  “I’m a lonely old woman. I’ve wanted to fill this house up for years and years. Now I’ve got the three most important girls in my life here … how about we add you, too?”

  Kurt looks at me to see my reaction. I smile and give him a little shrug of indifference, and then I break into a wide grin.

  “Jayce, this is crazy …” he says to me.

  “If I were you, I wouldn’t mess with my grandma,” I remind him. “You know she’s a tough woman.”

  “I guess it’s settled, then,” she says smiling. “We’ll get the details worked out, but I think it’s a fabulous idea.” She wipes the counter with a dishcloth and continues cleaning without another word. Ellie looks to me for confirmation and sees my smile.

  “So does this mean you’re my big brother now?” she asks innocently. Kurt melts when he hears this and gives her a sheepish grin.

  “Sure, Ellie, I guess it does.”

  That night, my grandma joins me on the front porch under the stars. It’s the middle of the night and everyone else has been sleeping for hours.

  “How did you know I was out here?” I ask her, as she takes the seat beside me and drapes a quilt over our legs.

  “I couldn’t sleep, either.”

  We both gaze up at the night sky. “I’m sorry I was so horrible to you,” I tell her.

  “Jayce, we’ve already discussed this.”

  “I know, but I feel really bad.”

  “Are you sure about your decision?” she asks.

  I belong with my mother, while she suffers from this disease that is battering her relentlessly. I belong with my grandma, who has been given a second chance with her family, and who has proven that she’s sticking around. And that she loves us.

  “Yes. Are you sure about yours?”

  “I want you here more than anything.”

  The sky is so clear that I can see the Milky Way, along with a lot of constellations that I wish I could name. Mom would love this sky right now.

  “It’s going to be hard to lose her,” I say.

  Although we haven’t been talking about my mom, her illness and what it’s doing to her is never far from our minds. My grandma nods.

  “We’ll help each other through it,” she says, and I believe her. She wraps her arm around me and I lean into her shoulder.

  I belong here in this house I’ve grown to love, where I’m surrounded by constant reminders of my mom. Everywhere I look, I can see snippets of her hopes and dreams for herself before she was thrust into parenthood. I knew so little about this time in her life before I came to Meadow Lake. Now, I’ve come to understand my mom so much better. We’ve also been able to heal and grow as a family here, in this humble piece of paradise. Our time together here has reminded me of what’s important in life: family, friends, forgiveness, love.

  I belong here, with my grandma, staring at the sky. I may not know what tomorrow will bring, but I can be certain that today I’m right where I need to be.

  I’m home.

  Acknowledgements

  I can’t thank Arnold Gosewich and Dundurn Press enough for making this book possible. Thank you to Kirk Howard, Carrie Gleason, Shannon Whibbs, Karen McMullin, Cheryl Hawley, and the rest of the team at Dundurn Press — working with you has been a wonderful experience both times around. Shannon, your gentle guidance made this story stronger and richer. Thank you!

  Publication and edits of this book came together during a scary, challenging time in my life. I found myself ill for several weeks, in and out of the emergency room, and bedridden with heart trouble. My husband became my full-time caregiver, and life as I knew it took a really long and frightening pause. I send a heartfelt thank-you to Deidre Craig, Carla Shoforost, Sabrina Tabler, Chantal Banda, Megan Peter, Jill Blom, Kami Hnatiuk, Gerri Perrault, Erik Olson, Aimee Mainil, Earl and Amie Kowalczyk, Janice Coo
k, Bev Theriault, Jim Sharman, and Doug and Molly Scarrow, as well as countless other friends from our children’s school community — without your generous hearts and assistance during this time, I’m not sure we would have made it through. Please know that I will go to the ends of the earth for each of you. This experience has allowed me the good fortune of discovering a village I didn’t even know I had. I want to be part of your village, too.

  I would like to thank my reading group: Maria Deutscher, Susan McMillan, Leandra Clarke, and Bev Theriault. Your feedback and advice is invaluable to me.

  Thank you to my mom, Bev Theriault, for being such a great sounding board and source of support. Once again, you powered through each draft with me.

  Nothing is possible or worth anything without the love of my family. To my Scarrow, Theriault, and Deutscher families, I love you and thank you for your continued support.

  To Ben, Gracelyn, Ethan, and Kale, thank you for the gift of time to write and for allowing me to do this all over again. It really is a thrill beyond measure.

  By the Same Author

  Throwaway Girl

  Kristine Scarrow

  When your teen years are so messed up,

  how do you grow up happy?

  Andy Burton knows a thing or two about survival. Since she was removed from her mother’s home and placed in foster care when she was nine, she’s had to deal with abuse, hunger, and homelessness. But now that she’s eighteen, she’s about to leave Haywood House, the group home for girls where she’s lived for the past four years, and the closest thing to a real home she’s ever known.

  Will Andy be able to carve out a better life for herself and find the happiness she is searching for?