I Zombie I [Omnibus Edition]

by Jack Wallen

  Billy the Bat jumped to his feet. “Better yet, what if we scored that bastard?”

  Touque clapped his hands together. “That would be brilliant.”

  Kitty leaped to Billy’s side and wrapped her arms around his waist. “Oh, Billy, you sure know how to make a girl swoon.”

  Before anyone had a chance to comment on the flirtatious overtures, Tom Mooner was at his bass and walking a wicked-thick scale up and down. He nodded to Touque. “Fire the film back up; let’s see if we can make the Schreck man creep for real.”

  Todd Flash howled, picked up his guitar, and joined Tom.

  Touque dimmed the lights, returned to the projector, and brought the screen back to life. Todd turned and began improvising licks to fit Nosferatu’s movements.

  Billy the Bat joined them onstage and wailed a melodic minor solo as Todd suspended note after note. The clash of tones made for a perfect soundtrack to the film. Finally, Kitty hopped up on the stage, grabbed her mic, and worked her own special flavor of magic.

  I’m at a place you don’t wanna be

  No one can save me, they end up in history

  An endless hunger, a burning sensation inside

  Is slowly eating me up alive

  What you see

  What you don’t get

  I want it

  I need it oh so bad

  Bloodlust

  I can’t get enough

  I want your taste inside of me

  Bloodlust

  I can’t make it stop

  I’m stuck in bittersweet tragedy

  Kitty fell silent. Like they were entering an epic rock video, the bandmates joined in, following her lead.

  “What gives, Kitty?” Billy asked.

  Without a word, Kitty pointed to the drum kit. The throne behind the bass drum had sat empty since the departure of Mike Machine.

  “Fuck,” Tom huffed, and slapped the strings of his bass.

  Behind the deflated band, Nosferatu continued on, drummer or not.

  “That song could really rock,” a strange voice called out from the shadows.

  Billy scrambled for the bat and stepped in front of Kitty; who, in turn, shoved him aside and said, “I can take care of myself, ya goon.” She added with a whisper, “But thank you, sweet cheeks.”

  Billy blushed.

  In the dark, no one can see you blush, Billy thought.

  “Who’s out there?” Touque called.

  From the entryway, a tall, slender young man appeared. Even with his boy-next-door good looks, there was still a thick, Danzig-esque air hovering over him.

  “The name’s Angst. Max van Angst,” the stranger replied.

  “What did you mean by could really rock?” Billy snarled.

  Max ventured nearer the band. “It’s missing a little something, don’t you think?”

  Billy drew in close enough to Max to size him up. “Our tunes miss nothing.”

  Max tilted his head slightly to the side and raised an eyebrow. “If you say so.” Max turned on his heels and walked away.

  “Hold up there, Mr. Angst,” Billy said with the slightest force. “I wanna know what you really think.”

  Max froze in place, his back to the band. Sticking out of the pocket of his black skinny jeans was a pair of ebony Artbeat Rock drumsticks. Like lightning bolts, Max’ hands snatched the sticks from his pocket and drilled out a perfect four-four beat on the nearby bar. Still facing away from Kitty and company, Max said, “Rock isn’t rock without its beat. You wanna soundtrack the apocalypse, you’ve gotta have someone capable of forcing order down the throat of chaos. That’s me…that’s Max van Angst.”

  Max paradiddle flam-flam’d, tossed a stick into the air, spun on his heels, and caught the rod of carbon behind his back. He again tilted his head, only this time with a sarcastic smile swiped across his lips. “You wanna seriously rock, you need me.”

  Kitty drew in close to Billy and whispered, “What do you think?”

  Billy returned the whisper. “What I think is that if this guy thinks he can…”

  “I know I can.”

  Billy snapped his head toward Max. “How did you…”

  “I know–crazy, right?” Max answered. “Most drummers tend to be a bit weak in the ears. I take exquisite care of my instrument.” Max’s head ticked. “I’m a professional.” He winked.

  Billy turned back to his fellow bandmates. One by one, they nodded his way. When he returned his gaze to Max, he said, “We’ll give you one shot to prove you’re worthy of rockin’ with Kitty In A Casket. You blow it, you hit the road. Deal?”

  Max nodded. “Deal.”

  Before being instructed, Max made his way to the stage and took his place on the drum kit throne.

  Kitty heaved a sigh. “I’m sorry, that just looks odd.”

  “Sorry?” Max replied.

  “Oh, God, I didn’t mean it like that. I just…oh, never mind. Let’s fucking get this party started. Eins, zwie, drei, vier.”

  The band returned to the top of the song they’d only just improvised. This time, however, Max van Angst guided them through the ebb and flow of the tune with a beat as steady as Mother Nature’s own rhythm. He added subtle flourishes, but nothing too showy…just enough to prove his worth. As they navigated the song, every instrument melded together to create a perfect wholeness. Minus Angst, they’d played together for so long, they could predict one another’s next move with amazing agility. With the addition of Angst, there was a fresh dread to the tune.

  When the song came to a close, Kitty jumped into the air and squealed with delight. She landed with the grace of her namesake and turned on her heels to address the band.

  “I think I speak for everyone when I say ‘hell yeah’, Max van Angst,” Kitty proclaimed with two fists’ worth of devil horns punched skyward.

  One by one, the band members nodded their approval. Billy the Bat made the motion last; when he finally capitulated, Kitty squealed again.

  “You want the job, Angst, it’s all yours.”

  Max nodded slowly, the look on his face cooler than cool. Nary a muscle twitched or budged. He reached one of his sticks out and tapped a quick four-bar rhythm on his high hat as a crooked smile eased across his face.

  “I take it that means you want the gig?”

  Max nodded. “What’s it pay?”

  Billy laughed. “That’s rich, Angst. It pays a roof over your head and food in your gut. How’s that for riches beyond your wildest imagination?”

  “I’d say…” Max paused. “You’ve got yourself a drummer.”

  In celebration, Todd Flash ripped off a riff so bad-ass, everyone stopped whatever celebratory moments they were having to take notice. Todd ended with a power chord and a kick.

  “Am I to assume the band’s name is Kitty In A Casket?”

  Everyone nodded.

  “And I suppose she’s Kitty?”

  “That’d be a fairly safe assumption, considering she’s the only chick in the band.”

  A sideways grin inched its way across Max’s face. “That she is.”

  Billy slammed his open hand down on the crash cymbal and growled at Max.

  “What’d I do?” Max asked.

  “She’s mine, Angst. I wouldn’t advise getting any strange notions caught in your thought meat that you might be able to woo Kitty from this cat.”

  Max tossed his hands in the air. “No harm, no foul, right? We’re cool. Kitty and the Bat are one. I can dig that chilli.”

  Billy nodded slowly and then, after an elongated moment of tension, stuck out his hand for Max to shake. As soon as the flesh of their palms met, the tension in the room eased away. The band released a sigh of relief and, one by one, made their way to the drummer for congratulations.

  All the while, behind them on the screen, Nosferatu approached an unsuspecting woman.

  Billy was the last to offer his appreciation. When he did, he spoke with a cooler-than-usual tone. “Our next gig is this weekend. You’ll need
to get up to speed before then. We’ve got CDs of everything, so you can either play along with those or drag us in for a rehearsal. Either way, you’ve gotta be ready to nail the shit out of our entire catalog come Friday.”

  Max nodded. “I’m good with that. I’m a pro…I can play anything from AC/DC to Zeppelin. And we’re talking horror punk…it’s in my blood.”

  Nosferatu sunk his teeth into the fair maiden’s neck.

  “Oh, my God,” Tom shouted. “Max van Angst and Max Schreck. Do you know how much that rocks?”

  Everyone shook their heads. Max was about to reply to Tom when Kitty held up a hand to silence him. Kitty whispered to Max, “Don’t get that one started.”

  Max nodded.

  Kitty laughed.

  Touque returned to the room, holding two six-packs before him. “I couldn’t help but overhear. This moment calls for a spot of booze, don’t ya think?”

  “Every moment calls for that, my friend,” Billy answered.

  The band cheered and guzzled.

  “Yes, please,” Max stated.

  “Yes, please, what?” asked Touque.

  “Yes, please, I may have another.”

  Everyone laughed. Max stared around the room. “What’s so funny?”

  “Are you as think as you drunk you are?” Todd Flash asked.

  Everyone booed.

  Todd raised his hands in defense against the wave of disapproval. “Oh, come on, it’s a classic.”

  Kitty turned to Touque. “Big Daddy-O, I’ve been meaning to ask you. Is there any chance we could get maybe a zombie film to play behind us for the next show?”

  Touque closed his eyes and bit his lower lip. “Don’t ya think that might be in poor taste?”

  Kitty shook her head and unscrewed the cap off another beer. “We can’t keep forcing the monsters back into the closet, Touque. They’re out there…everywhere. To deny they exist is a lie, and to take this whole pain in the ass so seriously is to neglect one very basic need of humanity.”

  “And that would be?” Touque asked.

  “Laughter. If we can entertain the patrons of The Last Casket with music and a bit of tongue-in-cheek humor, we’ve done more for them than a battalion of soldiers and a host of biochemists could do.”

  Max van Angst twirled a drumstick over his head. “I happen to have my entire collection of horror films in my car. They’re on a backup drive. If you’ve got clean power, I can fire up my laptop and play anything you like.”

  Touque turned to Max. “This bar is powered by solar and wind. I retrofitted the place a few years ago. Being surrounded by desert doesn’t exactly make for good customer service when the grid goes down. Once the coal plants burn their last lump of carbon, we’ll still be going strong here at the Casket.”

  “Bad ass, Mr. Touque.” Max pointed his stick at the Canadian. “Wait, is that your first name or your last?”

  Touque ignored the question and turned to exit the room. “I suggest you get your belongings inside before it gets dark. Otherwise, you can kiss it all so long by morning. Most of the thieves won’t dare step foot inside this building; but they sure as fuck won’t stop at stripping bare your car.”

  Touque vanished into the kitchen.

  Max turned to the band. “Is that dude for real?”

  “Very,” the band replied in unison.

  two | dance macabre

  The room was dark and silent, save for a dim light spilling from Max van Angst’s laptop. The muffled sound of “Yeah Yeah Yeah” poured from his headphones. He tapped out the rhythm of the song on a pillow, keeping perfect time and tempo.

  Everyone else slept soundly.

  When the door to the kitchen burst open, and a shock of too-white light rained on the slumber parade, moans filled the room.

  “What the fuck?” Max shouted, unaware how loud his voice was.

  “Rise and shine, kitties and cats,” Touque called out.

  “What time is it?” Max asked.

  “It’s ten in the morning, my friend.”

  “No way. It’s pitch black outside,” Max replied.

  Touque laughed. “No, son, those windows are painted. The sun’s up and ready for everyone to come out and play.” Touque flipped a switch to bring the room to life with light.

  More groans. The now-waking Kitty and company shielded their eyes as they dragged themselves out of the sleep-induced coma.

  “You suck, Touque!” Tom groaned.

  “Come on, kids, I need you for something rather important.”

  Kitty sat up, blinking wildly against the light. “Can’t it wait until PM, at least?”

  “No, Miss Kitty, it cannot…that is, unless you don’t mind a revolt on your hands at your upcoming show.”

  Touque’s suggestion succeeded in drawing Kitty out of her makeshift bed. “You play hard, Touque. I respect that.” Kitty turned to the still-prone members of the band. “Schnell, schnell!” Kitty shouted.

  “Ich hasse dich,” Todd Flash replied.

  Kitty laughed. “You can’t hate me, Todd. It’s a scientific fact, and you know it. Many men have attempted the feat; all have failed.” She turned back to Touque. “What do you need us for?”

  “Supply run,” Touque answered immediately.

  “What?” Billy the Bat hissed. “That’s all we do anymore. Can’t you send us off on some covert mission to thwart the man or something?”

  Touque crossed his arms over his chest. “Let me put it to you this way, Mr. Bat, if we don’t have those supplies, there’ll be no us left for the man to bother with. We are dangerously low on liquor, and our cache of snacks has been completely depleted. I need you to find a way to restock the bar…otherwise we’re going to have a lot of very unhappy customers come Friday.”

  “Since you put it that way,” Billy replied, “fine. We’ll do your bidding, master.” Billy offered up his best Igor impersonation. Everyone laughed.

  “Any chance we can take your truck, Touque? The Kitty Mobile is in bad need of repair.”

  Touque dug into his pocket and tossed a set of keys to Kitty. “Drive my baby safely. We might need her someday for more than just supply runs.”

  “We’ll treat her as if she were made of babies and puppies.”

  Touque tipped his head toward Kitty. “I expect no less.”

  “Suggestions as to where we should start looking?” Max asked. As soon as his voice was heard, everyone beamed.

  The band was officially whole again. There was no denying that simple fact. Having Angst chime in on the latest duties went a long way toward healing the last of the wounds left from the departure of Mike Machine.

  “As a matter of interest, I do have a suggestion.” Touque produced a map and spread it across the bar. He grabbed a Sharpie and drew a circle around a space on the map. “You see this area? Rumor in the underground has it there are a few bars that have yet to be raided. If you can get there quickly, I believe you’ll find what you need.” Touque looked up and scanned every pair of eyes before dropping his attention back to the map. He circled a larger section with his Sharpie. “Do you all see this area?”

  Everyone nodded.

  Touque continued. “This is fondly called The Wasteland. You would be very wise if you avoided this area at all costs.”

  “Why?” asked Max.

  “There’s a cloud hanging over the Wasteland…No one can see inside the fog, so no one actually knows what’s going on within its boundaries. My guess is that the Zero Day Collective has something to do with whatever darkness exists inside. I’ve been near it and heard the wailing wall of sound spilling from the infernal despair.”

  Billy stood tall. “Let them get a taste of Kitty in a Casket’s wail and…”

  Touque slammed his hand onto the table with enough force to shock everyone’s attention his way. “This is no joke, Billy. The Wasteland is not myth, fiction, or hearsay. You may be tempted to prove your mettle against whatever lies in wait beyond the veil, but trust me when I say you will no
t return if you do.”

  Billy the Bat raised his hands in the air in capitulation to Touque. “Understood. We’ll stay clear of the über fog.”

  After grabbing a quick breakfast of powdered eggs and toast, the band piled into Touque’s truck and tore off into the heart of the desert. As the dust settled in their wake, Touque looked on, arms crossed, his face lined with concern.

  m/

  The truck bounced and slid over the dust-covered road. Billy eased off on the gas in an attempt to regain control of the rear end. He tossed a quick glance to Kitty and said, “You know, under normal circumstances, I’d be diggin’ this ride.”

  Kitty placed a white-knuckle grip on her seat belt and slammed her creeper-covered feet to the floorboard. “Apocalypse or no, your driving is making me want to hurl.”

  Billy laughed and punched the gas. The truck fishtailed and scorched rubber on the cement for twenty yards. Kitty growled and landed a quick kick onto Billy’s right leg. He instantly took his foot off the gas and winced. The truck slowed to a stop.

  Todd glanced into the open window separating the cab and the bed of the truck. “What’s going on?”

  “Just saving your lives,” Kitty answered.

  Todd forced his head through the window and looked between Kitty and Billy. “That’s fine, but would you mind saving our lives with a bit less…I don’t know…danger?”

  Kitty pulled the window closed just enough to prevent Todd from pulling his head back.

  “You didn’t just…” Todd started.

  “Oh, but I did,” Kitty purred.

  Billy punched the gas.

  “Hey, come on, guys,” Todd shouted. “I could seriously get hurt here.”

  Kitty opened the window and planted a kiss on Todd’s cheek.

  Todd freed his head from the non-lethal guillotine. “You’re lucky I think of you two as family…otherwise, I’d be royally pissed right now.”

  Kitty batted her eyelashes. “You’re too sweet, Toddy boy.”

  “Are you two finished? If so, piss off so I can drive this bitch to our destination like the badass I am.”

  Kitty petted Billy on the head. “You keep telling yourself that, Billy the Brat.”