by Sarah Hope
‘I’m not telling you. It doesn’t matter.’
‘It does,’ But I decide to change tack. This is the longest conversation we’ve had for ages so I don’t want to push her away, ‘But okay I won’t push you on it. Look, this has got to stop Mandy. Anything could happen to you when you’re prancing around town on your own. You’re putting yourself at risk. Plus your grades are going down. I normally go to parents evening and have teachers raving on at me about how well you’re doing. How brilliantly you’re progressing and your good attitude to learning. They always tell me how much you want to succeed in everything they give you. I can’t believe how much your school work has gone downhill. Don’t let what’s going on with your father and me affect your future.’
‘That’s easier said than done. Dad’s just walked out on us, do you really expect me to carry on as if nothing’s happened? What planet do you live on?’
‘I know it’s affecting you. I really do but there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Just try to accept it. Things will be okay. They really will.’ I say this but I know my heart’s not believing it.
‘How can you say that? You don’t know what’s going to happen. Do you really think Dad will just waltz back in here and everything will be alright again? It’s not going to happen Mum. He’s not coming back. He doesn’t want us anymore.’
‘He wants you Mandy. You and Charlie are everything to him. He loves you still just as much as he did when he was living here and nothing will ever change that. Yes, he doesn’t live here anymore and I know he’s not coming back but that doesn’t mean we can’t be happy again Mandy. Things will be okay again, it’ll just take a bit of getting used to that’s all. But we’ve all got to make it work and you’ve got to start going to school again. You need to start doing your homework and focusing on your school work again.’
‘You don’t really believe it’s that easy do you though? You give me this spiel but you don’t believe it. If you did you wouldn’t be staying up and crying every night.’
Oh no, what do I say? I didn’t realise she knew. I thought I’d been really discreet about my true feelings; I’ve tried so hard to shield the children. I feel as though Mandy’s just punched me in the stomach and it takes me a couple of minutes to recompose myself.
‘You’re right, it has hit me really hard but we’ll try together to get past this. We need to remember things will get easier. We’ll make it work. I love you Mandy. Just promise me you’ll try to get on with life and try harder at school?’
‘Okay Mum,’ This comes out as a grumble but pulling her into a hug I hope she means it and I vow to try to put a braver face on for the kids.
Chapter Thirteen
Enid
‘Enid? Are you okay love?’
‘Yes,’ Wiping the sick away from my mouth I straighten my back. Shivering in the outside toilet I lean against the damp wall until I hear Mum retreat into the house and once again heave into the toilet bowl.
Shaking, I take a deep breath and try to steady myself as the world seems to dip and turn around me.
What’s wrong with me? I’ve been sick every day for the last few weeks and if I’ve not been being sick I’ve felt sick. It’s not something I’m eating because I’ve hardly eaten anything recently. Is this what they mean by being lovesick? I miss Albert so so much. I don’t think I can carry on much longer without him.
The wooden door squeaks on its hinges as I stagger outside and head back through the yard to the kitchen.
‘Are you alright love?’ Mum indicates the glass of water she has already placed on the table. Feeling warm with embarrassment that she has obviously heard me throwing up and at the same time touched that she still knows what I need even though I’m no longer her baby daughter I take a sip and nod.
‘Enid, if there’s something you want to tell me you can do. We can work it out,’ she takes the seat next to mine.
‘It’s all so hard Mum. I miss Albert so much. We were going to get married when he got back. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost all of my future. I can’t eat and when I do I can’t seem to keep it down. Is this what they mean by being lovesick? Will I feel like this for the rest of my life? I will, won’t I?’
‘I know Enid. I really do understand. But time will help you’ll see. You won’t ever forget him and how much you loved him but time will help you get used to it. Is there anything else you want to talk to me about? You can tell me anything. You know that don’t you?’
Looking at the table, I concentrate on tracing my finger along an old scratch mark and nod. ‘I know Mum. Thanks.’
‘I mean it Enid. If there’s something big you want to tell me.’
‘It’s just that I love him so much and just don’t know how I can get through the rest of my life without him. I know Father forbade me to see him but just knowing he was here in this town...safe...alive…it made all the difference.’
Mum’s face changes slightly and she takes my hands within hers.
‘Enid. I need to ask you. Are you pregnant?’
Tugging my hands free I sit back in my chair and stare at her.
‘Pregnant?’
‘Yes love. This sickness you’ve had. You being off your food. You’ve hardly touched a meal these last few weeks. I just assumed, suspected, you might be pregnant.’
I can feel the blood draining from my face as my mind becomes scarily clear. Pregnant. No, I can’t be. We were only ever intimate once. Everyone knows you can’t get pregnant first time.
‘When was the last time you had your monthly bleeds?’
My monthly bleeds were only last month. No, hold on, they weren’t were they? I’ve not had one since Albert went for conscription. And that was over three months ago now. Why didn’t I notice? So much has happened, losing Albert, I’ve not been thinking about silly things I take for granted.
Dragging my hands through my hair I look at Mum. I’m scared. I can’t bring myself to tell her that, yes I must be pregnant. Pregnant. What am I going to do?
‘Mum?’
Mum’s arms envelope me. Collapsing into them I let her hold my shaking body still. She lets me weep for what feels like hours and yet not long enough. I don’t want this hug to end. I don’t want to face up to the truth. I don’t want to think.
‘Shh.’ I let her rock me side to side as though I were her baby girl again. Why can’t we stay like? Forever?
Father. I struggle to breath. My stomach feels as though an icy knife has been plunged into it. What will he do?
‘Father will kill me.’ The air becomes stuffy and suddenly there’s not enough of it. He really will kill me.
As Mum pulls away from me I see on her face that she knows I am right. She knows what he will do.
I hear the deep breath she takes in and watch as she grows taller, straightening her back and setting her shoulders back. For the first time in the years since Father was sent home from the war and started drinking and beating her, she makes herself look strong.
‘We won’t say anything. We won’t tell him.’
‘But what shall we do? He’s going to notice. To find out.’
‘We wait. We wait until you start to really show. Until you can’t cover it up anymore. I should be able to save enough money by then. And then we run.’
‘Where? How will you get any money?’
‘Do you remember that night your father beat you when he found out about you courting Albert?’ I nod. ‘I was so scared. I really thought he was going to seriously harm you. Well, since then I’ve started pilfering a little of his wages from him. He doesn’t realise. He drinks so much of it anyway. He can’t keep tabs on how much he’s spent on drink so I just help myself a little. I had planned that when I had saved enough I was going to take you away from here. Away from your father. To somewhere safe. Well that day will just have to be a bit sooner than I thought.’
I don’t know what to say. I’ve always thought Mum accepted Father the way he was. The way she just seems to take the
beatings. She never fights back. I certainly didn’t think she was brave enough to run away from him.
I must look at her differently because she smiles and says, ‘You didn’t think I was just going to let your father treat you like he’s doing did you? You’re my girl and I’m going to do everything I can to protect you.’
She gives me a tight hug, ‘Now off you go to school. For this to work you must act normal.’
I have no idea at all what we were taught today. I don’t even know which lessons we had. My head just feels so fuzzy. Me. Expecting. I just need to feel near Albert and the only place I feel near him is here, in the park, in the spot where we had our picnic, where we made our baby. Lying back on the grass I put my hands on my belly and for the first time notice that, yes, it is a bit rounder than it normally is. Strange. There’s a baby in there. A real live baby. A part of Albert and a part of me mixed together. I should feel disgraced and ashamed. I know I should. A girl of fourteen expecting. Out of wedlock no less. But I don’t. Of course, I feel upset that we were not married, but it feels nice having a part of Albert in me. I don’t feel so alone. I know we were not married and that it was a sin what we did here those few months ago but I don’t feel dirty. I know the love we shared was real.
Things will work out. They’ll have to. I have a reason to carry on now. Me and Mum will get away from Father. It makes me smile just imagining the look on his face when he realises that we’ve left him.
Drat, I must’ve nodded off. Anyway back to it. Where are they?
Oh, what’s that? The doorbell. This is all I need. An interruption when I’m looking through my knitting patterns. Placing my two favourite ones on the coffee table I decide I’ll just get rid of whoever it is. Probably someone trying to sell me something. However many stickers and signs stating no peddlers I make visible on the front door, it doesn’t stop them. I’ll give them a piece of my mind I will. Stopping me from choosing which pattern I’ll use for Peter’s Christmas jumper. I know it’s only the end of October but with this stupid arthritis in my fingers I have to start earlier and earlier each year, it takes me so long.
‘Oh, it’s you.’
‘Hello Mrs Reynolds. I was just passing and thought I’d stop by to see how you are. We’ve missed you at the library since you fell ill and I took you to the doctor. We’ve all been worried about you.’
‘It was just a funny turn. I’m sorry I haven’t been in to thank you but I have been busy.’ This has the desired effect and shakes Shirley. Fancy coming to my house? Silly girl. I’m not a ruddy charity case.
‘Well, no, Mrs Reynolds that’s not why I came. I don’t need to be thanked. I was simply worried about you. All of us down at the library have been. Worried that is.’
‘Well you needn’t be. I can look after myself.’
‘May I come in please? I have something for you.’
Glaring at her I’m forced to open my door further. This is not an open house. Who does she think she is? Inviting herself into my home? Unfortunately even I am not so rude as to shut the door in her face as tempted as I am.
Leading her through to the kitchen I reluctantly put the kettle on to boil.
Tentatively now, she places her bag on the floor and takes a seat at the kitchen table.
She sits in silence watching my every move until I plonk a hastily made cup of tea down in front of her.
‘Thank you Mrs Reynolds. On behalf of the library and you being one of our most regular visitors I would like to give you these chocolates to show our concern.’ Bending down to her bag, she takes out a small gift wrapped package and places them on the table in front of me.
Clearing my throat I am quite honestly taken aback. It’s been a long time since anyone showed a bit of care or concern for me, and even longer since I was given chocolates.
‘Well, thank you but there is really no need. As you can see I am fine. Fit and healthy and all so there is no need for any concern.’
‘That’s good. You gave me quite a scare Mrs Reynolds. And having not seen you in the library since worried me.’
‘Like I said no need.’ Standing up I go to top my tea up with a little more milk.
‘How is your health now then? It’s just when I gave you a lift home from the doctors you looked quite shaken and mentioned some tests?’
‘Tests? Oh yes, those little things. All fine thank you.’ I quickly slip my appointment letter behind the tea caddy. I don’t know why I didn’t bin it straight away when it came through the post. I certainly should not have kept it this long; reminding me of the appointment I missed and had no intention of going to in the first place.
‘Oh good. I bet you were relieved? My grandmother had angina and once she went for the tests and they ruled out unstable angina she felt as though a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.’
The cheeky little mare. Inviting herself in, prying into my private life and now comparing me to her grandmother. Whatever next?
‘I hope you don’t mind me popping round? It’s just in truth you remind me of her, my grandmother.’
‘No that’s fine,’ Despite myself I feel myself warming to her. Just a little, mind you. I wonder if Peter has any children and what they would think of me. Not that I’m old enough to be her grandmother of course.
‘Oh good. Rachel seemed to think you kept yourself to yourself and that you wouldn’t think too kindly of me coming here but I’m glad I did. Will we see you at the library sometime soon?’
‘Yes, yes you will.’ Did she now? Is that what she thinks of me then? Well, I guess it’s true I don’t like visitors, but I still don’t like the thought of people thinking of me in that manner. In fact, I feel uncomfortable knowing that people have been talking about me at all. What have they been saying? Laughing at me for having that funny turn? Discussing my private business? That’s half the reason I’ve not been back to the library, instead I’ve been frequenting the new fan dangled computer cafe in town. I can do all my searching there. The only thing I don’t like is how close in proximity the computers are to each other. I don’t like the thought of people looking over and seeing what I’m looking up. At least at the library there is a bit more privacy.
‘Well I must be getting on now. Thank you for coming.’ I return Shirley’s half full cup back to the counter and sure enough she takes the hint, says her goodbyes and leaves.
Having firmly shut the front door behind her I go back into the living room and look at the two knitting patterns that have made it to my shortlist. The first one is red with snowflake detail. Nothing too over the top just a little detail on the cuffs and around the waist. The next one; blue with thin white stripes. I’ll choose the second one I think. It’s a bit more sophisticated.
Feeling more positive I write the amount and colours of wool I need onto my shopping list. Every year I knit Peter a jumper or waistcoat. Well normally a jumper. Five years ago I made him a waistcoat, a brown one it was. I know he never receives them but at least if, no when, I find him he will know he has always been in my thoughts.
Chapter Fourteen
Lynette
‘Right come on kids. Mandy, Charlie hurry up. He will be here in fifteen minutes and you’ve not even had your breakfast.’ I spread butter and jam on the toast that has just popped up from the toaster and put them on a plate in Charlie’s place at the table. Please hurry up kids, I really don’t want your father to be kept waiting. Truth is I don’t want to speak to him let alone have him come barging into the house to wait. It’s going to be so strange today. It will be the first time he will have taken Mandy and Charlie out since we split up and in a way it makes it even more real. Him visiting them. Plus, I’ll be completely on my own all day with nothing to distract me. I can’t even pop round to Rachel’s to talk to her about it. Not with her visiting her parents in Oxford.
My thoughts are interrupted as Charlie crashes into the kitchen.
It literally takes him seconds to swallow the toast and he’s off again. To get some toys
to take with him, apparently.
‘Mandy, come on you won’t have time to eat anything.’
‘I don’t want anything. I don’t even want to go. I’m only doing it because you’re making me.’
‘I know you are love and I appreciate it. Remember what I said about time with your father being important. He loves you and wants to see you.’ I kiss the top of her head as she slouches into her chair and takes a gulp of her habitual morning coffee.
I make myself remember why I agreed he could take them at all today and why I am forcing Mandy to go. Being pulled into school to be told that our previously straight A student had gone off the rails really brought it home to me about what’s really important. That, being the kids and trying to make this awful situation a little easier on them.
‘Mum, that’s the doorbell. Is it Dad? Is it?’
Oh rats. Now the moment has come to face him I don’t think I can do it. It makes me so angry to think he’ll probably flaunt his new shag pad to them. All the while not telling them that he’s managed to finance it by taking money from them. Money that should have gone in the family bank account. Money that should have been paying the mortgage on this place. Their home.
Manoeuvring around Charlie as he jumps up and down in the hallway, I look through the peep hole and sure enough it’s him. I can feel the anxiety flooding my body and nausea rising in my throat. I can’t see him, not yet. I’ll send the kids out then speak to him when he picks them up. We discussed all arrangements on the phone the night before last so I know he’s taking them to the zoo, giving them dinner and dropping them off at seven.
‘Mandy, Charlie, come on. Grab your coats and take your umbrellas too, you never can tell what this autumn weather is going to be like.’
Charlie excitedly follows my instructions and appears beside me with shoes and coat on while Mandy trudges through from the kitchen stuck in slow gear.
‘Can you take Charlie out for me please? I’ve just got to write something down on the shopping list before I go.’ The look Mandy gives me tells me my lies are transparent and need work. I kiss them both on the cheeks, much to their disgust and head back into the kitchen before Mandy opens the door.
