A Locket of Memories

by Sarah Hope

  Nodding, I hug her back and return her smile. She’s right. There is always hope. It’s never going to be the end of the search, not when I’ve still got an ounce of breath in my body.

  ‘I’m going to go see what Charlie’s doing. Will you be okay? I’ve got the message box up all you need to do is type in what you want to say and then I’ll come back and help you submit it.’

  ‘Thank you Mandy.’ She’s such a good girl. Very astute for her age.

  I wait until Mandy has shut the kitchen door behind her and turn back to the screen.

  Here goes, basic information first, that seems to be what other people have done;

  Boy born to Enid Reynolds on the 9th of September1947 at Cardiff Hospital.

  Easy bit done, what next though? I don’t want to leave it at that and yet what can I possibly write to portray how I’ve felt all these years?

  Straightening my back and positioning the laptop a bit closer to me on the table I take a deep breath and just start typing. Typing from the heart.

  ‘I have lived in sorrow and hope every day since I was forced to give you away. Sorrow for letting you be taken. There surely must have been something I could have done to have stopped it, though at the time, all my efforts seemed so fruitless. And hope, hope I will see you again someday. I have never given up searching for you my darling Peter and I will carry on until there is no breath left in my body. Love you always, with my heart, life and soul, your Mum (Enid Reynolds).’

  Shaking my head, I try to get the image of a beautiful reunion out of my head. I know there is hope, there always is, but honestly, after all the searches I have undertaken it is likely this one will not be any different. I will hope, as I always do, but I will also begin planning my next step. What other website can I write a message on? Where is the next mystery tour going? A new town, a new phonebook, a new hope. At least that way I will have something else to focus my energies and thoughts on.

  A timid knock on the kitchen door startles me from my thoughts. Turning I watch as Mandy ever so slightly pushes the door ajar and pokes her head around.

  ‘Are you ready?’

  ‘Yes, yes I think I am.’

  Mandy slides into the chair next to mine. Watching, I am again amazed at how computer literate she is as she opens another screen, or window I’m told is the true word, and instantly creates an email account for me.

  ‘You have your own account now and I’ll just type your email address next to your name on your message so that if Peter reads it he will be able to write you a message and get in contact.’ Pausing Mandy looks away from the screen and at me, ‘Ready? You can press submit now.’

  Kissing my fingers I place them gently over my message on the screen, then I do as I am instructed and in return a little box pops up informing me that my message has indeed been posted. Not knowing whether to smile or cry I sit staring at the laptop until Mandy hugs me. Hugging her back I whisper into her ear, ‘A thousand thank yous. You really are a wonderfully kind girl.’

  We spend the next half an hour or so emailing each other messages, to get me used to using email I’m told. She even sends me one with a photograph of her and Charlie ‘attached’ to it. Even after being shown how to accomplish this I am still none the wiser.

  ‘You are very patient with an old fool like me Mandy. Now I think it must be time for a snack and a spot of television.’

  With Charlie in bed and Mandy curled up on the sofa in her pyjamas I go into the kitchen and switch the kettle on. Lynette will be home any minute now and the least I can do is have a hot cup of tea waiting for her. She’ll be tired, poor love, having studied all evening.

  Waiting for the kettle to boil, my breathing becomes rapid and the all too familiar pain in my chest starts. Grappling to hold on to the back of a chair, I lower myself down into it trying to breathe my way through the pain.

  The sound of a key in the door startles me and I try to regain control from my failing body. I hear Lynette hang her coat up and look into the living room, speaking in the low tones that a mother does when one of her children are in bed. Luckily as she comes down the hall towards the kitchen the pain subsides and I plaster a smile on my face as I turn to acknowledge her.

  ‘Lynette how was it? How did the course go? Did you meet any new friends?’ Forcing every word out seems such an effort as I am swept away with tiredness.

  ‘Oh, Mrs Reynolds, it was great, it really was. I feel more positive than I have done since Ste left us. The people were great. The tutor was really encouraging and I feel I’ve got the teaching bug again. I can’t wait to get back into a classroom.’ She sweeps over to the counter and switches on the now cooling kettle. ‘Thank you so much for having the kids. Did they behave themselves? Will you stay for a cuppa?’

  ‘They were fine. More than fine. No, I won’t thank you. I had better get back.’

  She looks at me properly for the first time since she arrived home and I can tell by the look on her face and the way she immediately puts the teaspoon down that I must look a fright. Smiling harder I heave myself to standing. The last thing I want to do is to put a dampener on her night.

  ‘Are you okay Mrs Reynolds? You don’t look well at all.’ Indicating to me to sit down again she rushes to my side, placing her hand on my quivering arm.

  Shaking my head I force myself to act stronger than I feel. ‘I’m fine really. It’s just a funny turn. I get them every now and then. I’ll be okay. I just need to lie down for a bit.’

  ‘Are you sure? I feel awful. I would never have left you to babysit if I’d known you weren’t feeling well.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. I’ve been fine. It’s only just come on and I’m used to them. It’s just my age, you know. I’ve had a wonderful time looking after Mandy and Charlie. I really have. They’ve been as good as gold and I’ve even been given a computer lesson from Mandy. Same time next week? Good. I’d better be off now.’

  ‘Okay, if you’re sure you’re going to be alright? I’ll walk you over.’

  ‘No, no I’ll be fine.’

  After saying goodbye to Mandy it takes all the energy I can muster to hobble across the road to my bungalow. Knowing Lynette is watching me from her doorway to make sure I get across okay, though I have no idea who she thinks is going to mug an old lady on a quiet street like ours, I try to keep my back straight and focus my eyes on my front door to force myself to go in a straight line.

  Waving across the street to Lynette I close the door, which suddenly feels a lot heavier than I remember. Staggering into the bedroom I almost trip over a dopey Freda. Reaching up I begin to pull the bedroom curtains closed but one of them gets stuck.

  ‘Come on, not tonight.’ Yanking it to try and close it almost takes my breath away. It’s no good, it’ll have to stay like that. Half open and half closed what will the neighbours think of me?

  Half falling, half stumbling I try to make it to the bed. The pain is so intense now I cannot even think about trying to get changed. Ouch, missing the bed I land on my knees on the rug, scratching my hip on the side of the bedside table as I go. This causes it to teeter dangerously, dislodging my only framed photograph. I watch as the grey, grainy image of me and my mother falls to the floor, glass cracking on impact. I wipe away the tears of pain and frustration using the hem of my nightdress and reach for it. Taking the photograph out of the now useless frame it startles me as I remember that the original photograph not only held the images of my mother and me, but also of that monster, my father. Almost against my will my hands unfold and straighten the edges of the photograph until his jeering face is smiling back at me. I had forgotten his image was ever there, printed to stay forever. Why hadn’t I just cut him out? I don’t remember now. There must have been a reason. His eyes seem to bore into mine as I stare, rigid with fear, into his face. The day it was taken was a hot day, unusual for the time of year, March. We had only had the photograph taken because someone at Father’s work had had his family portrait taken and was bragging about it.<
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  ‘I’ll show him. He’s no better than me.’ Father had vowed, and he had. He had insisted we had ours taken. Only to keep up with his workmate, he’d had to borrow the money from Grandmother. By that point he was drinking all the money he brought home.

  Ooh. Clutching the photograph, I fix my eyes on my father as he appears to laugh at me as the now all too familiar pain sharpens and travels from my chest to my left arm. The pain deepens, making panic rise like bile in my mouth. I remind myself I have felt this before. It will pass. Trying to steady my breathing, I feel as though I am fighting for breath. I cannot get enough air in. Cannot fill up my lungs enough. There seems to be no oxygen left in the room. Why didn’t I go back to the doctors for those damn tests? My chest feels as though Father is stamping on it, squeezing my heart. He’s already broken my heart. Now he’s trying to destroy it.

  Chapter Twenty Two

  Lynette

  ‘Wakey, wakey, rise and shine Charlie. Dad’s coming to pick you up soon and you’ve still got to have breakfast.’ Pulling the covers off my little man, I laugh as he squirms away from the cold morning air. ‘Come on, I’ve given you a lie in already.’

  He does make me laugh. Some days he insists upon dragging me downstairs at half five in the morning, and yet others it’s as though he morphs into a teenage loaf, but at half eight he really must get a wriggle on. Ste will be here in just over an hour and he’s still got to get dressed, have breakfast and pack a small bag of toys to amuse himself with at Ste’s. Goodness knows if Ste has thought about getting any toys for the kids over at his, but I doubt it very much.

  ‘Chop, chop. If you come down now I’ll make you scrambled egg on toast.’ Waiting for this information to process, I listen out to hear if Mandy is out of bed yet. Yep, there goes the shower. ‘Good boy, your clothes are on your desk. Come down once you’re ready sweetie.’

  Leaving Charlie to get changed, I follow the sound of the shower and knock on the bathroom door, ‘Mandy, I’m just doing some scrambled eggs on toast for Charlie, do you want some?’

  Mandy hollers back her answer and I head back downstairs to make the kids’ breakfast.

  This will be the first time they’ve gone over to Ste’s new flat. I know Charlie is looking forward to it and I hope Mandy will be okay. Ste has been coming over every couple of days for an hour or so in the evening since Mandy came out of hospital and, touch wood, they’re relationship seems to be repairing itself. At least there has been less shouting and sulking on Mandy’s behalf. Although, I must admit I do tend to hole myself up in the kitchen until he comes to tell me he is going. It’s great that the kids are forgiving and accepting him again but I’m just not ready to act like nothing has happened yet. He’s their father and it’s important for them to have a good relationship and for him to be a part of their lives, but I’m still trying to rebuild mine and move on. I don’t need him nosing into my life again.

  ‘Aw, Mum have you burnt it again?’ Mandy swans into the kitchen, immediately opening the window.

  ‘No, I have not! Well only the bottom of the pan anyway.’

  Mandy dodges me as I kiss her on the cheek and sits down at the table. She is shortly followed by Charlie who bounds in full of energy again. It’s lovely to see Mandy getting back to her normal self.

  ‘Here you go kids, scrambled eggs on toast!’ And served with a flourish.

  ‘Why are you in such a good mood anyway Mum?’

  ‘I’m always in a good mood Mandy. Ah, obviously by the look on your face I can’t quite get away with that amount of bending of the truth. Things are good and are going to get even better. My teacher refresher course last night was brilliant and has put me in a good mood I guess.’ That, and the fact that me earning my own cash will allow me to stand on my own two feet and not rely on that sleaze ball of a father of yours.

  ‘Right, hurry up and finish your brekkie. Wow, you were hungry weren’t you Charlie? Okay, now can you go and pack some toys to take to your dad’s? He will be here any moment now.’

  ‘Oh.’ By the look on Mandy’s face she had forgotten all about the impending visit. Which I suppose explains her positive frame of mind this morning.

  ‘Stop the whining Mandy. We’ve spoken about this. I thought you were okay with going to his place?’

  ‘No, of course I’m not okay with it. I never will be. Can’t I stay home? Let Charlie have some Charlie and Daddy time alone?’

  ‘Hey, no wheedling out of this young lady. You’re going to have to face going round there one day. Why not make that day today? Anyhow you’ve been getting on alright with him when he’s been coming round here.’

  ‘That’s different. When he’s here I can forget what he’s done and pretend it’s just like old times. If I go there she might be there and even if she’s not, all her stuff will be and it’ll just make me remember what he’s like and what he did to you.’

  ‘Look I know it’s difficult for you, but it really is time to start moving on, forgiving him and looking up to him as your father again. What he’s done to me is nothing to do with the way he feels about you. And anyway, I can stick up for myself thank you very much and I’m moving on. Starting my course has really given me the get up and go to get my life back together again. I think you should too.’

  Pep talk over with, Mandy shrugs and scrapes back her chair.

  ‘I’ll go get my stuff.’

  Just enough time to tidy up the breakfast plates and make the kitchen look presentable, not that I should care what he thinks, but I just don’t want him thinking I’m not coping without him.

  Oh blast, there goes the doorbell, pausing with plate in hand and dishwasher open I listen and hear Charlie opening the front door, muffled greetings of the father-son nature and then heavy footsteps walking this way.

  ‘Morning, Lynette.’

  ‘Morning.’

  Ste’s appearance catches me unawares and I think the shock of his dishevelled hair and the black circles under his eyes shows on my face because he quickly runs his hand through his hair and rubs his eyes.

  ‘Everything okay?’

  ‘Yes, great thank you. And you?’

  ‘Good thanks.’ Dishwasher now closed I automatically start wiping the already clean work surface to give my hands something to do.

  ‘Ready!’ Saved by the small whirlwind that is Charlie.

  ‘Goodo kid. Now where’s your big sis?’ Ruffling Charlie’s hair Ste looks anxiously out into the hallway. ‘She is coming, isn’t she?’

  ‘Yes, she’s going with you. Just getting some things together. IPod, book, that sort of thing.’

  Charlie runs upstairs to hurry her along.

  ‘Oh good.’

  An awkward silence envelopes us, broken only by Charlie bounding back down the stairs with Mandy reluctantly trailing behind him.

  ‘Hello Mandy.’

  ‘Father.’ Ste looks a bit taken aback with the formality of her reply, but to give her credit it’s better than screeching at him.

  ‘Right then, off you all go. Have a wonderful time. Love you Charlie. Love you Mandy. Ste what time will you have them home by?’

  ‘Um, about seven, eight maybe. If okay with you?’

  ‘Yes fine.’ Eight will be past Charlie’s bedtime but I guess one night won’t hurt so no need to bring it up.

  Waving from the door, the way Mandy drags her feet all the way to the car makes me smile, loyal to the end, that’s my girl. Catching myself mid thought I remind myself that whatever he’s done to me I still want him and Mandy to come out with a good father-daughter relationship. For Mandy’s sake.

  For the first time in years I have a whole day to myself. Well, apart from the obvious school hours this is the first time they have been away from me this long, the both of them together, since forever. Just little old me in this house. Guess I could get on with some of the housework. Charlie’s wardrobe needs sorting out. There’s loads of stuff that’s too small for him already.

  Um... maybe later. R
ight now Rachel’s house and a nice cup of tea and a natter seems a good idea. Then I’ll pop to the shop to get Mrs Reynolds a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates to say thank you for babysitting last night. That should leave me the afternoon to visit Mum, and then possibly time to do the housework.

  Okay, come on Mrs Reynolds, it’s starting to rain here.

  ‘Mrs Reynolds? I can see your hall light is on so I guess you’re there. It’s Lynette. I’ve just popped round to thank you for babysitting last night.’ That’s really strange, she normally jumps up at the first ring and answers the door within minutes, why is she taking so long? Unless she’s left her light on and gone out. Maybe I’ll pop back after I’ve visited Mum. But then again, she didn’t look too good last night, did she? Had one of her funny turns she’d said. What if?

  No, she’d be okay. The poor woman, she probably thinks I’m hounding her. But...one last try, then I’ll leave her be.

  No answer. Never mind I’ll try her again later.

  This flipping rain, I hide the chocolates under my coat to protect them and hold the now wind damaged flowers to my chest as I turn to go back down the drive.

  Hey, what’s that? Oh, it’s just Mrs Reynolds’ curtains bellowing. The wind must have blown them through a crack in the bedroom window. They’ll get sodden in this weather. I’d better go and see if I can tuck them back in and push the window closed.

  Bless her, the weeds are creeping through the path down the side alley, despite Mrs Reynolds’ efforts to keep an ever tidy garden. I must offer to help her out when the weather’s a bit better. I know gardening is her pride and joy but maybe I can get her to agree, to see it as returning the favour of her looking after the kids while I go on my course. She’s been so supportive and encouraging. Just like I know Mum would be if she was able to.

  Oh heck, it’s sodden already. She’ll have to get these dry cleaned.

  Oh no. What’s happened? Mrs Reynolds is lying on the floor.