by S. Celi
But I just couldn’t figure out where to get that for her.
As I sat in the den that Friday night watching the replay of some European soccer match, I thought about nothing else. She needed a better person than me, and she definitely needed a better alternative than Mitchell. Avery deserved a man. She deserved someone who would understand and protect her, someone who would make sure the world didn’t break her any more than it already had.
As the hours ticked by, it bothered me more and more. That was how it worked, how this obsession with Avery always played out. One tiny thought, one stupid feeling, and I wouldn’t shake her for the rest of the night.
Damn, this wasn’t normal at all.
Normal people didn’t do this kind of stuff, especially not with their stepsisters. I knew that. Normal people had regular relationships and fell into typical pitfalls: one-night stands, jealous girlfriends, conversations about whose house to spend the next Thanksgiving at, and debates about which kind of milk to stock in the refrigerator. They didn’t fantasize about their stepsister naked, or wrestle with forbidden feelings.
And they certainly didn’t let that define their entire lives.
Nor did they get hopeful when they got text messages like the one that pinged my iPhone around 10:45 that night.
I’m bored. Come pick me up. I’m at Crave.
Fuck. My. Life.
AVERY STOOD OUTSIDE the restaurant next to a valet stand. She had her arms crossed in front of her, and she shifted her weight back and forth. It had rained since the afternoon, so when I pulled my Volvo to the valet stand, a leftover puddle splashed onto the curb. She wrinkled her nose and yanked open the door.
“Nice, Spencer. Real nice.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “Didn’t see the puddle there.”
“It’s fine.” She slid into the passenger seat and I pointed at Crave, which sat behind on a corner lot.
“How was the party?”
“Great,” she said, her voice a bit louder. “I’m fine.”
“Are you okay? Are you drunk?”
“I told them you were coming to get me,” she said, and pulled the car door shut. “Not like they care.”
“I’m sure they care.”
“Whatever.” As I drove away from the curb, she pulled down the visor and checked her makeup in the mirror on the back of it. “It was a boring party, anyway. Boring people. Stupid.”
“Not like the parties our family throws you, of course,” I muttered, and tried to keep my focus on the downtown traffic instead of on her. Despite the rain, Friday nights during the summer always brought plenty of people to the center of the city, and this night didn’t differ.
“That’s not fair.” She paused. “Are you trying to pick a fight with me?”
“No. Are you trying to with me?”
Avery still inspected herself in the mirror, unsatisfied with something I didn’t see. After a moment she slammed the visor closed and let out a long sigh. “Stupid.”
“What’s stupid?”
“I don’t know. This. The way we’re acting.”
“We’re not acting any way,” I said as I turned the car onto I-71 from downtown. “It’s not an act.”
“Pfft,” she said. “Not an act? I saw the way you looked at me when you came home tonight. I know. I saw right through you, Spencer. I still see right through you.”
“Come on.” My hands tightened on the steering wheel as I sped up the car. “Don’t do this.”
“Don’t do what?”
“Don’t fight with me about this.” I allowed myself a glance in her direction. “Don’t.”
“Just explain something to me, Spencer.” Her lungs pushed out a deep breath and she gripped the handrail on the car door. “Explain why we’re so cursed.”
“What?”
“Why I’m cursed.” She gulped. “Why I have these feelings for you that are so intense, and I can’t stop them, no matter what I do?”
“Avery, please.”
“I’m tired of denying it.” She ran her hand through her hair. “Sick and fucking tired of that.”
My foot pushed harder on the pedal, and the speedometer pushed passed 75 MPH. We whipped past cars as we headed north, away from the city, but I ignored it all. I had only one mission: end this conversation without any more damage to the family.
We’d already done enough.
“Don’t say shit like that,” I said.
She turned her head and watched the traffic as we sped by cars on the highway. As I pulled from the middle lane into the fast one, I realized we’d be home in less than ten minutes. Just ten. Ten minutes to fix this. Or ten minutes to stop it again.
“When you were gone, I managed to forget you. I managed to block it out. Whole days went by where I didn’t feel anything.”
Her voice broke, and I looked over at her just in time to see one long tear fall down her face as she stared at me. My stomach twisted, so I focused back on the road.
“I told myself that I’d been wrong, and that anything I felt for you beyond what’s normal, really wasn’t there at all.” She sniffed, and her hand swiped at her cheek. “But then you came home. And it all came rushing back again.”
The car had reached our exit when she pulled one of my hands off the steering wheel. With a protest from me, she folded it into hers, and we held hands for the first time since the night we slept together.
“How long have you had feelings for me?” I said.
“Years.” She sniffed again and turned her head to look out the window as the car rolled down the exit to home. “Do you remember the night before you left for the Peace Corps?”
I nodded.
“I wanted to tell you that night, but I was afraid.” She shook her head. “I thought that you, well, I couldn’t be sure what you’d say. But I’m tired of being afraid when I’m around you. I’m not going to let myself be that way anymore.”
I didn’t answer. Instead, I pulled the car into the parking lot of a dark, long abandoned gas station. I parked the car underneath what remained of the metal awning above the gas pumps. Then I let myself take a few long breaths before I spoke to her again.
“Do you remember when I said that if we did this, there would be no turning back?” I said.
“You said it was dangerous. That our parents wouldn’t understand, and that no one would understand.”
I took off my seatbelt and twisted my body toward her. The light from the sign of a hardware store next to the gas station gave me just enough light to see her magnetic, captivating eyes. Leave it to Avery to make neon lights sexy. I swallowed.
“What I meant is that if we went further, I wouldn’t be able to hold back with you,” I said. “It won’t be just sex. Not for me.”
She unsnapped her seatbelt and turned her own body around so that now she faced me full on. “You’re the only person I want to be with, Spencer. Ever. How many times do I have to tell you that?”
“So you’re sure you want to do this.” I closed the space between us more. “You’re sure. Even though it means more secrets.”
“I’m sure.”
And then she kissed me. Just once. When she pulled back, she rested her hand on my shoulder. “Tonight. Please let me be with you again tonight.”
I groaned out at a reply and my lips and hands went everywhere, on her mouth, her thighs, underneath her dress, on the soft flesh between her breasts and her collarbone. She tugged on the hem of my shirt and I moved so she could pull it off me, then her hands traveled down my chest and I knew I could take her right there in the car if I wanted to. It would be so easy, so simple, and so frantic.
So cheap.
And that’s why I stopped.
“Not here,” I said. “I don’t want to be with you here. Not like this.”
She said nothing, but I heard the soft gasps of her breath.
“After our parents go to bed,” I said. “When the house is quiet. Come to my room like you did the other night.”
&nbs
p; After a moment, and a hard, visible swallow, Avery nodded. “I can do that.”
My hand traced a path from her shoulder to her ear, then hooked around the back of her neck and underneath her hair. “We’ll have to be extremely quiet.” Then I leaned in so that my mouth grazed hers. “Can you do that?”
She breathed against me. “No one will find out, Spencer.”
“No one but us.”
“I promise.” She sighed, and my lips found hers again.
AVERY CREPT DOWN the hallway just after 2AM, about two hours after our parents went to bed. I heard her step on a few wayward floorboards as she walked the long hallway, and I flinched when the boards creaked. More than once, I hoped she had a good excuse prepared if someone happened to stop her.
No one did, though. And then the door opened for one more night with her.
“It’s different now,” she said once she closed the door and walked over to my bed. “Ever since you came back home. So different.”
I stayed under the comforter and watched her vague outline come into focus. “Of course it’s different now. It’s better.”
The sheets rustled when Avery grabbed the comforter on the open side of the bed. She pulled it back, but made no move to get into the bed. A few beats passed.
“What’s wrong?” I said.
“Just thinking about us.”
“Don’t.” I grabbed the hem of her short robe. “Don’t think about anything. Not tonight.” My fingers traveled on the border of the fabric until I found the sash, which I pulled open. She moaned when my fingers brushed the flawless skin of her thigh.
“Get in the bed, Avery. Now.”
She slipped the robe off and followed my command, finding a natural place next to me. When I wrapped my arms around her, I felt only naked skin, and I smiled into her neck. She wore nothing. Nothing at all. When I spoke again, I made sure I lowered my voice so that only she would hear it.
“Just how I like you,” I said. “How I’ve always wanted you.”
“Naked?”
“Yes,” I said. “Naked.”
“And you’ve wanted that for a long time? How long?” She followed my lead and didn’t raise her voice, either.
“Years,” I said against her ear. “I’ve wanted it for years.”
Avery took a few deep breaths and then turned her body so that we faced each other underneath the comforter and sheets. Her feet entwined with mine, and she buried her head in the crook between my neck, shoulder, and left arm. We lay there, breathing against each other, for a long time. I didn’t look at the clock. I just counted the passage of time by the rhythm of her lungs.
“Spencer,” she said just after I thought she’d fallen asleep. “I never really said thank you.”
“Thank you for what?”
“For your help. For what you did.”
“You mean before I left.” I stiffened. “You didn’t have to thank me. I don’t deserve your thanks.”
“Yes, you do,” she said, and pulled herself closer to my chest. “Sometimes when I’m with you, what happened, and how much you did for me is all I can think about.”
“Don’t,” I said, and covered her mouth with a long, demanding kiss. Every cell in my body wanted to climb inside her once more and taste something forbidden.
That night would be memorable. It would have ramifications. And it would cement our decision. After that night, I could no longer tell myself that sex with Avery had been a one-time mistake or a momentary loss of control. I would have to own this.
So would she.
As we kissed, I pushed her body backward on the bed and repositioned myself above her. She didn’t protest or try to stop me, but when she moaned a little louder than I liked, I had to pull myself away from her.
“AJ,” I whispered in between shaky breaths. “What did I tell you? You have to be quiet. We have to be quiet.” I braced myself on my right elbow and ran my left hand through the hair that fanned out from her onto the pillow. Then that hand traveled to her breast. Her breath hitched when my hand kneaded it once. “Can you be quiet while I do this?”
“Yes.”
My ears strained to hear her reply.
“Good.” After another second, my hand moved to the taut skin of her stomach. I threaded a line back and forth across it. “And what about this?”
Her hips bucked up from the bed and she stifled a moan.
I watched her writhe underneath me as I continued to trace the line. “You didn’t answer my question.”
“What was it?” she said between gasps.
“Can you be quiet while I do this? If you can’t be quiet, I’ll have to stop.”
She sucked in a long breath. “Yes. I’ll be quiet.”
“Excellent, Avery.” My lips hovered above hers, but I didn’t let myself kiss her again. Not yet. I wouldn’t do that until I knew she was ready. And she wasn’t ready yet.
“Mmmhmmm.”
My hand cut a path from her stomach to in between her legs. She sighed when my fingers reached the apex and lingered there. “What about this? Can you be quiet when I do this?”
“Spencer, oh my God,” she whispered. Her right hand found the pillow beneath her head and she grabbed hold of it, twisting it as my index finger gently rubbed. “I can’t.”
“Hold it in. No one can hear us. We’re not alone in this house, and you know that.”
“But it feels so good.”
“Shh, Avery. Be quiet. Or I have to stop.”
“Don’t stop,” she murmured, and her hips moved again. “Please don’t stop. Please.”
“If you insist,” I said into her ear.
Any question I might have had about how much I turned her on had already faded away, but I knew for certain how much a moment later, when my index finger found its way inside her. That’s when I let myself kiss her, this time on her lips, then on her forehead, nose, hairline, jawline, the nape of her neck, the top of her breasts. My finger moved in and out of her a few times, building to the place we’d been once before, and when she groaned in ecstasy, I pulled back and opened the nightstand drawer.
“Very good,” I said as my hand searched for the condoms. “You’re doing well.”
“Are we quiet enough?”
The way she asked that question told me she didn’t really care how I answered. Whatever had happened and would happen between us consumed us both. It was all we wanted. All we needed. Damn the rest of the world to hell.
“I’m sure we are,” I said as I slipped and condom on. “But what I’m really wondering is,” I paused and repositioned myself so that I hovered above her, “can you be quiet when I’m inside of you? Can you take all of me and not make a sound?”
“I want to find out.”
I kissed her nose. “Well, you’re about to find out right now.”
She sighed, and I moved in between her legs. We kissed again, deeper this time, and after another few seconds I entered her. She moved against me to draw me in deeper, and for a split second my eyes lost focus. Warm. Smooth. Delicious. Wrong. Dangerous. Traditional words to describe this didn’t work.
I should never have wanted Avery. I knew that. She should never have wanted me. I knew that, too. But at that moment, we didn’t care. Nothing else mattered but us. This. The one thing we couldn’t and didn’t want to deny.
“I used to wish we’d be together, and I remember the first time I saw you,” she said after it was over and we had both climaxed. The blue bed sheets twisted around us, and I held her against me with my right arm. “Do you remember me?”
“You were four. And I had ketchup on my face from the French fries in the happy meals that Henry used to bring me on Fridays.”
She giggled again. “You were complaining about how you wanted to play Nintendo instead of going to Eden Park.”
“You had the lightest blonde hair I had ever seen.”
She pulled her head from my shoulder. “Do you love me, Spencer?”
“Hmm.” I gulped. I should ha
ve seen this question coming and I had no idea how to answer it. “Love you?”
“Yeah.” She guided her index finger down the side of my face and stopped at the faint stubble my razor had missed. “Do you love me?”
“Avery, I . . .”
“What?”
In 24 years of life, I’d never told any girl that I loved her. I didn’t know what that word meant; not really. I’d always been a sex guy, not a love guy. Love had never tried to show up in my life.
Except with her.
“It’s okay.” Her finger traced a continuous circle in the stubble. “I know what you’re going to say. You don’t have to say it.”
“No, wait, that’s not what I meant.”
“Just stop.” She turned until she lay flat on her back, but at least my arm still stayed hooked around her. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“You didn’t let me finish.”
“Forget it.” She rubbed her hand over her eyes. “I just want to go sleep.”
“Here?”
“Yeah.” She yawned. “Here.”
“Okay,” I said. I’d already thought of this. Before she came to the room, I set the alarm clock on my phone for 4:45AM, well before anyone else at Chadwick Gardens would wake, and a solid two hours and fifteen minutes before Henry started his day at our house. “It’s late anyway.”
“Yeah, it is.”
That was the last thing Avery said before she fell asleep.
THE ALARM DID its job and broke through the night at 4:45AM, but I didn’t really need it. I didn’t sleep for five minutes that night. Instead, I lay there and listened to Avery breathe. It reminded me of the ocean: slow, steady, and unfiltered. When the alarm woke her, I cringed.
“What time is it?” she said into my shoulder. During the night, she’d rolled over once and murmured in her sleep, then threw her arm across my stomach and didn’t move again. Now, her voice still had the thick cover of deep sleep.
“Four forty-five,” I said. “Well, just after that. You slept pretty well.”
She pulled closer to me. “I know. Better than I’ve slept in a long time.”
“You have to go back to your room, AJ.” I knew this was the right thing to say, though I didn’t want to say it. She had to leave. Again. And she had to do it soon.
