by S. Celi
“I know.” She raised from the bed some more and kissed me. “Now I wish I hadn’t fallen asleep. We could have had sex again.”
“You’re still sure you want to do this?”
“Yeah.” She kissed me again. “Tonight. I want to come back again tonight.”
“I was thinking about something while you were sleeping.” I ran my fingers through her matted mess of hair.
“What?”
I rolled over and turned on the light. “A couple of weeks ago, at the Remingtons’ party, Grant said something. He noticed, well, I don’t know. He thought he saw something between us, just by the way I was acting.”
She frowned. “Grant thought he saw something? Really?”
“Of all people.”
“Grant’s a tool bag.”
“Tell me how you really feel.”
I smoothed some of the hair out of her face. Despite the bedhead, and the remnants of sleep still in her eyes, she was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. I should have told her I loved her when she’d asked the night before, because I knew I did. I knew I did.
I loved Avery Jackson. And I didn’t care what that would cost me.
“Grant’s a player,” she said. “And asshole.”
“Either way. If my best friend notices, other people might notice, too.” I paused. “My mom knows something is up. She had a certain look on her face at the party. She suspects.”
“She thought we did something?”
“Doing something might as well have been another party guest that night.”
“Jesus.” She lay back on the bed, facing the ceiling. “Okay. I get it. We have to take extra steps to make sure this stays a secret.”
There it was again. A secret. We had so many of those. Too many.
I moved myself above her, and then my right hand found her breast. She made a small sound when I massaged it. “If we want to keep doing this with each other, we have to make sure we don’t attract too much attention.
“I want to keep doing this, Spencer. I never want to stop.”
“Me either,” I said. “So we have to make sure we can. Can’t be too close in public. Can’t linger too long. No flirting.”
She turned to me. “No flirting?”
“Nope.”
“Hmm. I don’t know if I can do that.”
My mouth found her ear. “You’re going to have to.”
“If you insist.” She turned and got off the bed. I watched, sad, my heart sinking in the depths of my chest as she pulled her robe around her naked body. It reminded me of a closing door. Waiting to see her naked again would torture me like nothing else. But that torture was worth it if it meant I got stolen nights with Avery in my bed.
“I guess I’ll see you at breakfast,” she said. “Since its Saturday.”
“Yeah. Saturday.”
She walked to my bedroom door and when she got there, she looked back over her shoulder. “Are you going back to sleep?”
“I guess.”
“Sleep well, then.”
She opened the door, smiled at me, then walked through it and shut the door behind her. I stared at the door for about ten seconds before I shut off the light. 4:59AM. I turned over on my side and tried to fall asleep.
THEY ALL SAT at the table when I stumbled into the kitchen four hours later. Dad had his coffee and a copy of The New York Times in front him. Linda had just bitten into a blueberry Danish from the large tray in the middle of the breakfast table. Henry stood by the stove, wiping the tiles with a green sponge.
And Avery sat in front of a large plate of fruit. She still had the bedhead, and when she saw me a “we just fucked” grin pulled at her lips. I narrowed my eyes and hoped she remembered our conversation in bed that morning.
“Ahh, Spencer,” Dad said, but didn’t look up from the newspaper. “So good of you to join us.”
“Thanks.” I pulled a free wooden chair away from the table and sat. I tried not to look at Avery. If I looked at her, I wouldn’t be able to get through one gulp of coffee, let alone a whole meal.
“Up late last night?” Dad said.
“Sort of,” I said, then grabbed a banana off the tray. “Long night.”
“Did you have fun at your friend’s party, sweetheart?” Linda asked Avery. She had maybe two bites left of the large Danish.
Avery shrugged. “It was okay. Lots of people were downtown last night.”
Dad closed the paper and reached for the sugar bowl. “Did Mitchell bring you home? I didn’t see his car.”
“No.” Avery nodded at me. “Spencer came and got me. Mitchell got too drunk to drive.”
Dad’s eyes met mine for the first time since I had walked into the room. “Thank you for that, Son. Very responsible.”
“No problem.” I took one of the cheese Danishes and tried to keep my voice calm. “I was bored. Wasn’t a big deal.”
“Looking forward to having you start full-time at work in a week,” Dad said, and spooned two large lumps of sugar into his black coffee. “Just in time. I need to go to Kansas City to look at some properties, so it will be good to have you at the office to help out while I’m gone.”
“How long do you think you’ll be?” Linda asked. She finished the Danish, and leaned back in her chair some, drinking coffee from a white mug that said Palm Beach in bold blue letters.
“Just a week or so,” Dad said. “Maybe less than that.”
“So not that long then,” Avery said.
“Not that long.” Dad gestured to me with the hand that held his coffee. “And Son, I’m thinking of taking you along on some of the other trips I’ll have to make there during the fall. Good chance for you to learn how we close deals at Chadwick.”
“This is the strip mall we’re buying in Overland Park for twenty million?”
“Yes.” Dad took another long sip of his coffee. “This is the one we’re getting in that foreclosure deal.”
“Great.”
“I think I’ll have to go there a few more times,” Dad said to Linda. “Maybe three.”
She nodded, and the conversation shifted to the usual small talk. I could have covered my ears and still known exactly what was said. Linda had a few upcoming board meetings for October’s annual breast cancer awareness luncheon at Duke Energy Convention Center. She wanted Avery to join Junior League. Dad thought my stepsister should take more hours once grad school started. Henry had a few odd projects the landscapers and one of the housekeepers needed to complete before the end of the week.
Typical. Usual. Boring.
And then, a few minutes into our usual breakfast, I felt something against my leg. It rubbed back and forth against my jeans, then moved further and grazed my sockless toes. Shit.
Avery’s foot.
I tossed her a sharp look, but she didn’t look my way at all. Instead, she turned to Linda and started some mindless conversation about classes she wanted to take during the next semester, and the thesis she had to write in order to get through the program. All the while, her foot traveled and entwined with mine underneath the table. I had to admit it turned me on.
“Spencer.” Dad’s voice made me jump a little. “Did you hear what I just said to you?”
“Yes,” I said after a bite into the banana. “I did.”
“And your answer is?”
“Of course.”
I put the banana on the plate as Avery’s foot inched up the side of my leg. If she continued doing this, she’d reach my penis in a matter of seconds. She’d find my dick already hard-once she got there.
“Of course.” Dad blinked at me. “Your answer is of course?”
“Sure.” I shrugged. Avery’s foot found my knee.
“Did you hear my question?” Dad sipped his coffee and watched me over the rim of his mug. Avery and Linda ended their conversation; we’d all heard the change in his tone. Even Henry stopped cleaning the kitchen counter to listen to this.
“Sure I did,” I lied.
“I a
sked you if you had been drinking lately,” Dad said. “Janet found some vodka underneath your bed when she cleaned your room yesterday.”
“Vodka?” My eyes widened. “What do you mean she found vodka? I don’t have any vodka there.”
And I didn’t. I had a bottle of bourbon.
“Whatever it is, that doesn’t matter.” Dad shifted his weight in the chair. “And don’t lie, Spencer. The bottle was there, and it was open.”
“Well, Janet got it wrong.” Calm. I needed to stay calm and collected. I also needed Avery to cut it out, so I shifted my own weight in the chair and brushed her foot away. “You know how Janet is.”
“No.” Dad exchanged a glance with Linda. “I don’t know how Janet is. Why don’t you enlighten us?”
“I’m not drinking heavily, Dad. That bottle of liquor is Grant’s.” Another lie slipped out of my mouth, as easy as breathing. “He left it here while you guys were in Europe, and I didn’t have a chance to get it back to him yet.”
“Why didn’t you give it back to him at the party?”
“I tried to, but I couldn’t find him at the end of the night.”
Dad’s expression told me he didn’t believe me for one second, but he didn’t push me much further. “Just be careful, Spencer. You’ve come a long way since, well, since the accident.”
“I know.”
“Wouldn’t want to mess up that hard work.”
“Of course not.”
Avery straightened in her chair, but remained focused on her plate of half-eaten fruit. I couldn’t read her expression or her body language. And I hated that.
“Don’t give me a reason to change my mind about you,” Dad said. Then he tapped the table, and Avery looked up from her food. “Both of you. Listen to me. I am proud, even with your mistakes. You have bright futures.”
“Thanks,” I said.
Avery nodded.
“But you have to remember,” Dad said, “the Chadwick name, what we do in public, the decisions we make, and how we act as a family, are very important. We do not want any mistakes.”
“You’ve told us that our whole lives,” Avery said.
Dad placed a strawberry Danish on his plate but made no move to bite into it. “For some reason, I feel the need to say this again.”
“Honey, the two of them have already heard this plenty of times,” Linda said.
Dad lifted his hand. “I know that, but I need to reiterate this.”
Linda looked away.
“This family came from nothing,” Dad said. “We were nobodies in this town. Started with five dollars in my pocket and an idea. All my life, I’ve worked hard, and I’ve wanted nothing more than to see the two of you succeed.”
“We know,” Avery said.
“But I worry, sometimes. I see things that make me nervous. And I want the two of you to understand that though you are both adults now, the things you do have ramifications for everyone in this room.”
Avery opened her mouth to reply, but I beat her to it.
“We get it,” I said.
Dad ignored me. “Now, more than ever, you have to ask yourself—is what I am doing good for the family? Does this help us or hurt us? There are people all around who want nothing more than to see us fall. People who are waiting for a major mistake they can use to write us off in society. Everything we do can affect our family’s livelihood, our business.”
“Dad,” I said. “Come on.”
“Listen to me, Spencer.” Dad put his fist on the table. “We live in the right house. You both went to the right schools. We’re in the right clubs. We know the right people. But make no mistake, we are new money in a town full of old, and new money has rules.”
There it was again—my father’s fatal, cancerous flaw. He spent far too much time worrying about what other people thought, and more valuable time stressing over how the rest of us acted. It consumed him; it was his Achilles’ heel. If he didn’t give it up, it would destroy him. I knew that for certain.
“I think you’re worrying about this too much, Dad.”
“No, Son, I’m not.” Dad ate a small bite of his Danish. “Make no mistake here. People are watching, and more than you realize.”
“I just think you’re exaggerating this.”
“The small things matter,” Dad said. “They matter just as much as the large things.”
I looked away from him, frustrated and sad. And I knew once again why so many secrets floated around our family like dust. He would never stop his quest for perfection, not from himself or from us. And that meant he could never know how Avery and I really felt about each other.
Never.
AVERY AND I got good at hiding. Very good. In fact, by the end of my first full week at the family business, we had fallen into a kind of routine. I’d always been good at routines, and so had she. We had a dozen years of prep school to blame for that.
The days trudged along on the same regular schedule. Wake up. Run two miles. Eat breakfast. Get to the office by 8AM. Spend all day trying to impress my dad and prove that I belonged in an administrative role for the company. Leave the office at 7PM. Grab a drink with someone after work, usually Grant, at one of the downtown bars. Head home and try to ignore Avery. Go to bed around 11PM. Wait for her to come to my room after 1:30AM, while the rest of house slept. Spend the next three hours with her. Feel horrible when she had to leave. Fall asleep for the rest of the night.
Pretty soon, I lived for the hours between 1:30 and 4:45AM. Sure, it felt good to finally be a part of the company I’d watched my father build for my entire life. And I liked the power shift I saw happening around me as I proved to people I had become mature enough to bear the Chadwick name and take a place in the company. For the first time in a long time, I walked into a room and didn’t see glares of disapproval, or disdain on the long faces of his coworkers and friends. And I didn’t want to give that up.
But I also didn’t want to give up Avery.
We had sex most nights, the kind of wild, secretive sex you have with someone you know you can’t touch. We said things to each other without speaking. Our three clandestine hours together at night were the only times I felt like myself.
“Avery,” I said a few minutes after we’d had sex for the second time one night at the beginning of August. “I’ve been thinking again.”
“About what?” She lay on her stomach next to me with her arms tucked underneath her and the sheet pulled to her waist. While she watched me, I traced a slow pattern on her mouth.
“This. Us.”
She sighed. “Yeah. Me too.”
“We’ve been doing this for three weeks now.”
“I know.”
My fingers moved from her back to her shoulder blades. “I don’t think they have any idea.”
“Who? Dad and Linda?” She wrinkled her nose. “No, they don’t. We ignore each other during the day. They don’t know.”
“Which is good.” I pulled myself next to her. “You know, the only time I really feel alive is when I’m with you.”
She answered me with a half-smile. “I know. Me too.”
“I wish things were different.”
She turned from her back to her left side and pulled the sheet so that it wrapped around her. “But they aren’t. They just aren’t.”
“Ever thought about changing that?”
“All the time.”
She buried herself closer to me, and I fingered the bracelet on her wrist, the one that I had given her from South Africa. Two months later, the beads had lost half their paint and the string looked stretched. Something told me she wouldn’t take it off until the bracelet busted on its own.
“But how would we do that?’ she said after a moment. “That’s what I can’t figure out.”
“We could just leave one day. Run away. Go someplace where no one knows us, like California. Change our names.”
She laughed once. “Have you ever been to California?”
“It’s perfectly nice.
Plenty of people like it there.”
“Maybe I don’t want to go to California.”
“Okay.” My hand moved to her back. “We’ll go where you want to go. Anywhere.”
“Hmmm.” She paused for a second. “Anywhere.”
“The whole world is yours, Avery.” How much I wished that could be true.
“Well,” she said. “How about Lisbon?”
“Lisbon? Lisbon, Portugal?”
“Is there any other one?” She lifted her head and then pointed her finger at me. “You said anywhere. I’ve never been there, but I want to go. I think we’d fit in.”
“Lisbon? Really?”
“What?” She frowned, but gave me a half-smile at the same time. “You don’t sound like you like that idea.”
I shrugged one shoulder. “Just that I’ve never heard you talk about it before. Paris and London, of course, but not there.”
“I’ve seen pictures of Lisbon. It looks nice there.”
“We don’t know Portuguese.”
“So what?” She snuggled against me again. “Everyone in Europe knows English anyway.”
“This is why you need me around to take care of you.” I swallowed back some of my emotions. “And if you want to go to Lisbon, then we’ll go to Lisbon.”
She laughed a little into my shoulder. “It would never work. We couldn’t get away from our family if we tried.”
“I’d make sure they wouldn’t find us, sweet pea.”
“Sweet pea? You’ve never called me that before. I like it.” She lifted her head again and stared at me for a beat. “And, Jesus. Life is so unfair.”
“Well, yeah, I think it’s unfair, for sure.” I ran my hand through her tangled hair. “But we’ve both known that for a while. We got a hard lesson in that a long time ago.”
She sighed and put her head on my chest so that she faced the window. Outside, rain pounded from a thunderstorm, and I saw lightning flash in the distance. “
Then her fingers traveled to my shoulder and she gripped me a little bit tighter. “It sucks how the one person I’m supposed to be with is the one person I can’t have.”
“But you do have me. You just did. Twice.”
