The Minnesota Candidate

by Nicholas Antinozzi

  Now it was Tom’s turn to shrug. He didn’t know, but he was sure that whatever he floated by his mother would be shot down. “I’ll talk to her about it,” he said, “tomorrow. Thanks for the advice.”

  “Ah, don’t mention it. At least you didn’t wait until tomorrow to give her the news.”

  “What do you mean?” asked Shari.

  The old cabbie chuckled as he closed the trunk. “Tomorrow is Mother’s Day.”

  Tom slapped his forehead. For the first time that he could ever remember, Mother’s Day had caught him unprepared. He closed his eyes and slowly shook his head.

  “Give me a second,” said Shari. She quickly stepped past Tom and a moment later, she climbed back into her seat in the cab. She turned to face Doris, who was dabbing tears from her eyes. “Mrs. Picacello, I love your son and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But we had a deal and I’m prepared to follow through with my end of it. Yes or no, do you still want us to have our marriage annulled?”

  Doris sat back in her seat and shot Shari a look that could have boiled mercury. “What do you expect me to say?” she asked, waving her hands in the air. “Did you bring me out here to rub your money in my face? How can I compete with all of this? I’ll give you my answer, it’s no. If this is what Tommy wants, he can have it. I won’t stand in his way. Just don’t expect me to act like I’m happy about it. There, are you happy?”

  Shari was so angry that she actually snarled. She had never snarled before and it surprised her. "Yes,” she hissed. She then climbed back out of the cab and motioned for the driver to take Tom’s mother away.

  They watched the cab as it drove away and Tom put his arm around his new wife. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “I don’t know what got into her.”

  Shari turned to face him. “I need a drink,” she said, “let’s go inside.”

  Tom thought a drink sounded like a good idea. He had a thousand questions for his new bride and he needed a few minutes to prioritize them. He turned and began walking up toward the main house, but Shari took him by the arm and directed him to the smaller house. Tom stared up at the many windows of the mansion as they passed by; each of them was dark and forbidding. “What’s up with this place?” he asked, unable to contain his curiosity.

  Shari clasped his hand in her own. “Oh, it’s just too big for me to keep up with. Besides, it’s full of my parent’s stuff. I just haven’t been able to part with it.”

  “It sure is a beautiful home.”

  “Yes, it is. Thank you.”

  “How could you keep all of this from me?”

  “I told you why I kept it a secret. I suppose you think I’m crazy.”

  “No, I don’t think you’re crazy. I understand why you kept it a secret and I love you for it. I was just trying to imagine myself in your shoes and doing the same thing. It would have killed me to keep all of this from you.”

  Shari stopped walking. “Your mother was right about one thing. Money and material things are nice, but in the end they don’t mean a thing,” she let go of his hand and pointed to the drooping, right side of her face. “This happened five years ago, during my second divorce. I can’t afford to have it happen again. I love you, baby, more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my entire life. I panicked when we were at your mom’s house. I didn’t know what else to do. I had one card and I played it. I was hoping your mom might react a little differently when she knew the truth about me. She hates me, I know she does. I’m just happy she promised not to ask us to have our marriage annulled.”

  Tom was just about to tell Shari that his mother didn’t hate her, but he had promised himself that he would never lie to her. “Mom doesn’t know you,” he said, which was true. “We need to give her some time to come to terms with all of this. If she never comes around, that will be her problem. I love you, Shari. I mean that. I won’t let anything or anyone come between us, not ever.”

  Shari put her arms around her husband. “You know what?” she asked. “I believe you.”

  She gave him the grand tour of the smaller house and Tom felt as if he were walking into a bygone era. The walls and cathedral ceiling were knotty pine and the floors were gleaming hardwood. A massive stone fireplace covered one living room wall, which was flanked by towering bookshelves, each with its own oak ladder that hung suspended on a track. The shelves were filled with leather-bound books, an endless supply for rainy days and cold winter nights. The house was decorated in antiques and filled with woodsy knickknacks and oddities, which gave Tom the impression of being in a northern hunting lodge. The rooms smelled of stale air and Shari pulled blinds and opened windows as they traveled from room to room. The house had four bedrooms and three full bathrooms, each as unique as the last. The master bedroom and bath took Tom’s breath away. Shari asked him what he thought of it, but he had run out of adjectives. A tear fell from the corner of his eye.

  “Are you happy?” she asked.

  Tom stepped over to the empty, sunken Jacuzzi tub that sat at the edge of the king-sized bed. The tub looked large enough to accommodate six adults. He wiped the tear from his cheek. “I don’t know what to say,” he said. “I wish I had my own secret to share with you.”

  Shari smiled. “But you do have secrets to share, baby,” she said. “You have a lifetime of secrets to share. We’ve only known each other for three months. What do you think of the house? Do you think we should live here?”

  “Are you kidding me? I love the house and of course we should live here!”

  Shari stepped over to Tom and they exchanged a lingering kiss. “Oh God,” she exclaimed, “I was hoping you’d say that. I love it out here, but I hated living here alone. I’ve got to warn you, the commute can be a real bitch.”

  Tom pointed to the bottom of the hot tub. Like everything else in the house, the tub was spotlessly clean. “I’m assuming this thing works.”

  “It did the last time I checked it.”

  “I think we should fill it up.”

  “I was just going to suggest the same thing,” said Shari. She reached inside the tub and closed the stopper. She then opened a bronze tap and hot water began to spill into the marble pool. “Check your watch,” she said, pointing to her wrist. “We’ve got half an hour to kill while this thing fills. Can I interest you in that drink?”

  “You certainly could. Shari, I love you. Thank you for making me the happiest man on the planet.”

  Shari turned to face Tom and her bottom lip began to quiver. A moment later, she began to cry. “Thank you,” she sobbed. “I haven’t been this happy since my parents were alive. I just wish they could have met you,” she tried to continue, but she began to sob and Tom pulled her to his chest and held her tight.

  Chapter 2

  They had their drink on the front lawn, a glass of Chardonnay for Shari, a Jack and Coke for Tom. Precisely half an hour later, they were stripping down to their birthday suits and climbing into the bubbling waters of the hot tub. An hour after that, the couple found themselves back on the front lawn, sipping their second drinks and watching the sun dip down below the trees on the other side of the tranquil bay. A buzzing sound caught Tom’s ear and he turned to face Shari. She gave him an odd look. “That’s the front gate,” she said. “I wonder who that could be. No one knows I’m out here.”

  Tom felt his heart sink because that wasn’t entirely true. “That must be my mom,” he said. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. Maybe she’s changed her tune? Sit tight, baby, I’ll go buzz her through the gate.”

  Tom sipped his drink as he stared up at where the driveway disappeared into the darkening woods. He felt that familiar sense of helpless anger and he narrowed his eyes. He had been foolish to think that he and Shari could just live happily ever after, not with his mother’s shadow hanging over them. He decided to put his foot down, right then and there. She could either change her tune or she could whistle it, all alone. A cab appeared, yellow, perhaps even the same driver, thought Tom. But tha
t cab was followed by another, blue, which was followed by another and another, and four more after that. Tom’s eyes grew large at the sight. This couldn’t be his mother, he thought. But on that count, Tom was dead wrong.

  Shari walked out to join him as the cabs began parking in front of the main house. “What’s going on?” she asked. “Who are all of those people?”

  Tom began to recognize them as they emerged from their cabs. They were all members of his family, but not the ones that he was excited to introduce to his new wife. These were members of the lunatic fringe branch, the outcasts and the connivers and the misfits, the drunks and the addicts, the crazy basket cases and the homeless squatters. Tom cringed at the sight of them, because leading the pack was his mother. “Oh my God,” gasped Tom. “I can’t believe she actually did that.”

  “Did what?” asked Shari.

  “She must have gone home and called in the goon squad. Look, don’t get the wrong idea, these people are part of my family, but they’re the kind we usually keep in the closet. Do not offer them anything, okay? We’ll never get rid of them.”

  Shari put her hands on her hips and gave Tom a stern look. “I will not be rude to your family, Tom. I’m surprised you would even suggest it. I’ll order some pizzas and we’ll just make the best of it. Don’t you see what’s happening? Your mother is testing me. Well, I’m not about to let her beat me. Come on, let’s go meet them.”

  Tom wanted to scream, but he clamped his mouth shut and managed a nod. Shari had no idea what they were getting into. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he whispered.

  “Come on, now,” she replied, innocently, “how bad could they be?”

  “You have no idea.”

  Shari laughed at that. It would be the last time she laughed that night.

  Doris Picacello smiled as she watched the newlyweds walking across the lawn. She had assembled her army, a platoon of Picacello’s and a squadron of Calizzi’s, dipping all the way to the bottom of the family well to find them. She counted heads, they were twenty in number, and already they were wringing their hands together at what they perceived to be their good fortune. Doris laughed to herself. They could think whatever they wanted to think. Besides, why shouldn’t her Tommy share some of his new-found wealth with his less fortunate family members? There was obviously plenty of it to go around.

  Doris caught herself smiling, something she rarely did. In fact, she couldn’t remember the last time she had been this happy. Unknowingly, Tom and his new wife had dropped her back into her favorite element, a fight, and she wasn’t about to let them out of the ring.

  “Are you kidding me?” asked Crazy Steve Calizzi, her nephew. He was as thin as a toothpick and smelled like a brewery. “Fat Tommy owns both houses? He knows I live in my car, doesn’t he?”

  “You’ll have to remind him of that, Stevie,” said Doris, giving him a wink. “My Tommy is a good boy. I’m sure he’ll take care of you.”

  “Fat Tommy’s new wife must be a Rockefeller,” said Marie Picacello, Doris’ sister in-law, an overweight spinster from way back. “I can’t believe this is happening to our family.”

  “Amen sister,” said Doris. “Imagine the parties we’ll have out here.” A group of nearby Picacello’s and Calizzi’s heard that and they began to whoop and cheer. Doris smiled at them, triumphantly. She knew her Tommy; the boy had always been a giver. This was going to be a serious test for him. He had a heart of gold; at least he did have a heart of gold, thought Doris, until that wretched woman had stolen it from him. Doris watched the pair as they approached, still a hundred yards away, but closing. She wondered what Shari would make of this group. She turned back to face the cab drivers. “Here they come,” she said, pointing to the newlyweds as they approached. “They’ll take care of you. And I’ll be sure they give you all a nice tip.”

  “This is just like Christmas,” said Shifty Sam Calizzi, a sixty-something cousin of Doris’, whose nickname didn’t even begin to scratch his tarnished surface. “I get out of the joint and walk right into this. I can’t believe it, Doris, I just can’t believe it. Maybe my luck has really changed?”

  “Maybe it has,” agreed Doris. She stepped away from him and waved at the couple as they drew nearer. She was so excited. She looked around at the motley group and smiled, even though she despised each and every one of them. Shifty Sam was a big-time loser, but he had summed up her feelings, perfectly. Maybe her luck had finally changed. Life had been so boring since Vince had passed away. Without someone to bully, to belittle, life had almost seemed pointless. And while she had had her moments with Tommy, he was no Vince when it came to doing battle. His father had known how to dish it out and she had eaten it up and spit it into his face. She wondered if Shari might be able to fill those considerable shoes. She certainly hoped so.

  “Why aren’t the cabs leaving?” asked Shari. “Maybe your family doesn’t plan on staying long. You see, it won’t be that bad.”

  Tom had been wondering the same thing, but when he spotted his mother waiting up by the drivers, he began to suspect the truth. “They’re waiting to be paid,” said Tom. “I’ll bet you a million dollars.”

  “We can pay them,” said Shari, not missing a beat. “I’m sure they take plastic.”

  “We’ll be paying them for a round trip. They’re not staying. Look at these people; I wouldn’t trust half of them as far as I could throw them. And the others, well, they should be locked up in padded cells. I’m telling you, you’re about to meet the bottom of my family barrel.”

  “Will you please stop saying that? I’m a big girl and capable of forming my own opinions. I want to accept your family. I also want to be accepted into your family, Tom. That’s very important to me.”

  “Fine,” grunted Tom, “get ready to jump into a pool of leaches. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  “Stop saying that.”

  They were among the vultures now and Tom could feel them sizing them up. “Tommy,” called his mother from the cab drivers, “we need you up here!”

  “She needs my credit card,” whispered Tom.

  Shari gave him a nudge with her elbow as they continued walking. She couldn’t remember the last time she had seen so much leather. She smiled and nodded to the crowd as they parted, allowing them access to the business at hand.

  Doris beamed at the sight of Tom and Shari. When they were five feet away, she charged over to them and gave each a warm hug. “I felt so terrible after I left,” she said. “I’m so sorry for the way I acted. I hope you’ll both forgive me. I promise to forgive you for the shabby way you treated me and we’ll be even, okay? Now Tommy, would you mind paying the drivers? I forgot my money at home and after all, this is your party.”

  Shari held up her little purse to Tom. “I’ll take care of it, honey,” she said. “I’ll be right back.”

  That wasn’t exactly true. It took Shari nearly fifteen minutes to settle up with the eight cab drivers. This gave Tom a few minutes alone with his mother, time he desperately needed. He led her up to the front steps of the main house, which was now covered in shadows as twilight fell upon them. “What are you up to?” he hissed.

  Doris smiled. “What do you mean?” she asked. “I was excited to tell everyone your big news. What, was I supposed to keep it a secret? You never asked me to do that.”

  “You know exactly what I mean. You wouldn’t let these people within a hundred yards of your house. Don’t play innocent with me, Ma. I know what you’re up to.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I made some phone calls and this is who showed up. I can’t help it if the other members of our family felt as slighted as I did. You brought that on. Now, don’t you dare embarrass me, I want to introduce your lovely wife to our family.”

  Tom shot a look down to the milling mongrels and spotted a small group down by on the dock. “Stay out of the boat!” he shouted. “Ma, you had better help us keep an eye on these people. Shari has antiques in the house.”

>   “How come you were down at the tiny house? What’s wrong with this one?”

  “This was her parent’s house. She keeps it locked up. The other house is really nice,” Tom turned back to the group on the dock. “Johnny, get out of the boat!” he shouted.

  “You didn’t answer my question, Tommy.” What’s wrong with this house?”

  Tom balled his hands into fists. “Ma, there’s nothing wrong with this house. Shari doesn’t use it, that’s all. What difference does it make?”

  “I’ve always wanted to live on a lake, Tommy. You know that.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me. You never said that, at least not to me.”

  Doris smacked her lips together and smiled. “Actually,” she said, “I didn’t realize it myself until this afternoon. The fresh air, beautiful sunsets, water lapping at the dock. Oh, I could get used to this.”

  Shari walked up to join them as the last cab drove away. She gave Tom an odd look, obviously having heard the last part of their conversation. Tom dropped his eyes, praying the conversation would be steered in another direction. He got his wish. “Next time, charter a bus,” said Shari.

  “Good idea,” agreed Doris. “I’ll remember that.”

  Tom’s cousin, Larry Calizzi, known inside the family as Lumpy, approached with his two preschool aged boys. Tom couldn’t remember their names, but he was grateful for the interruption. Larry walked up to Shari and introduced myself. “Welcome to the family,” he said, grinning like a used car salesman. “I’m Lumpy, I suppose Fat Tommy has told you all about me. Don’t believe a word of it, that’s all I’m sayin’. These are my boys, Pete and Bobby. Boys, say hello to Fat Tommy’s new wife.”

  The younger boy stuck out his hand and Shari warmly accepted it. “I’m Bobby,” he said, smiling shyly. “I’m happy to meet you.”