The Minnesota Candidate

by Nicholas Antinozzi

  “I don’t have a problem with that.”

  “But jihad has multiple meanings and levels of severity. To Muslim extremists, jihad means sacrificing your life in the name of Islam. They see it as an all-out war against non-believers. These guys won’t be satisfied until they’ve killed every last one of us. Well, guess who crashed the stock market?”

  Tom laughed at that. “That’s impossible,” he said. “The stock market isn’t like a car.”

  “Oh really?” said Louie, crossing his muscular arms. “Anyone with enough money can manipulate the market. Don’t kid yourself, Tom. The stock market is exactly like a car. When it crashes, there is always someone behind the wheel. These extremists crashed the market on purpose; they wanted to weaken us before they began their worldwide jihad. Tonight, they plan on burning the cities. Not just Minneapolis, but every major city they’re rooted in. We’re at war, man. Are you ready to fight?”

  Suddenly, Tom felt uncomfortable standing at the glass door. He motioned for Louie to follow him and they moved down into the candy aisle. “This is crazy,” he said. “Where are you getting your information?”

  “I’m getting it online. You wouldn’t hear this on the mainstream media. They know what’s going on, but they don’t want to start a panic.”

  Tom’s opinion of Louie sank like a stone. He had met many conspiracy theorists in college and Tom had always gone out of his way to steer clear of them. He saw them as malcontents, preachers of a twisted gospel. They rabidly believed everything they read online. Whenever he argued with them, Tom could see the light go out in their eyes. “You read it online?” he asked. “And that makes it true, huh?”

  “What, you don’t believe me?”

  “I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny, either. I hate to break this to you, but the internet is full of bullshit.”

  Instead of the light going out in Louie’s eyes, his blazed like hot coals. He grabbed Tom by the arm and clamped down on it with hands of steel. He then pulled Tom back up the aisle, to the door. Louie pointed out to the body of the dead woman. “Why don’t you go out and explain that to her? Better yet, why don’t you go find that police car? I’m sure they’d love to hear your opinion.”

  “Let go of my arm.”

  “Open your goddamn eyes.”

  “We’re not at war.”

  “The hell we’re not. Go on, I’ll unlock the door. You won’t make it to the next block.”

  Tom was just about to tell Louie to go ahead and unlock the door, but two dark-skinned men suddenly appeared in the street. They wore long black beards and were dressed in white robes, but the robes were smeared in blood. Each carried a long-bladed knife in one hand. Tom gasped as he realized what else they were carrying. “Oh my God,” he whispered. “Get away from the door!”

  Louie didn’t move. “You dirty bastards,” he hissed. He turned to Tom. “Do you believe me, now?”

  Tom was staring into the lifeless face of one of the decapitated victims. The monsters clung to the heads by the hair. Through the glass, Tom could hear the men shouting. “Allah Akbar!” They chanted it again and again, waving their trophies in the air for the world to see; brandishing their swords in a threatening motion. Louie’s father joined them at the glass door and he grumbled something in a foreign tongue.

  “Oh,” said Louie, turning to face his father, “they’ll pay for this.”

  “You take this,” said Bing, pressing an ancient revolver into his hand. “You know how to shoot gun?”

  Tom nodded his head and took the gun. He and his father had spent many hours at the range. He hadn’t shot a gun since that time, but he was confident that he could hit what he aimed at. “Thank you,” he said. He then turned to Louie. “I’m sorry I didn’t believe you. I guess it’s time for me to get my head out of my ass, huh?”

  Louie accepted a shotgun from his father and the three men stood at the glass door, watching as the spectacle moved further down Lowry Avenue. Like a pack of wild dogs, other men followed the pair of coldblooded killers. They also carried knives, but others carried tree branches fashioned into clubs; and some, in broad daylight for all the world to see, carried guns. Tom couldn’t believe what his eyes were telling him. “What should we do?” he asked.

  “We go up on the roof and we wait,” said Louie. “If we’re attacked, we give them everything we’ve got. Dad, you stay down here with Grandpa.”

  Bing nodded his head. “I have more bullet behind counter. Many box, you take them.”

  Carrying a grocery sack full of ammunition, energy drinks, and snack food, Tom followed Louie up five flights of stairs to a rooftop garden. A four foot wall, constructed of brick, boxed in the outdoor patio. On top of these walls were potted plants and shrubs. Louie crept to the wall and took cover behind a lush growth of ferns. He poked his head through the ferns and took a quick look over the ledge. “It’s clear,” he said.

  With the late afternoon sun shining down upon them, they sat and listened to the occasional pop of gunshots. The smell of smoke hung in the air. Tom told Louie a little about himself, explaining how he had ended up at the convenience store. Louie laughed. “I feel your pain, buddy,” he said. “I can never afford to put more than ten bucks in my gas tank.”

  “How about you?” asked Tom, are you married?”

  Louie nodded his head. “Yeah, my wife is named Nora and we live up by her dad, in Big Lake. Know where that is?”

  “Sure, up by Elk River. My dad used to take me duck hunting up there.”

  “Nora is staying with her dad. I didn’t want her home alone. She’ll be safe up there.”

  “So, let me get this straight, you read all of this stuff on the internet and you hopped in your car drove down here?”

  “I did. I got here five minutes before your car died at the pumps.”

  “How did you know that this was the real deal? I mean, seriously, the internet is always buzzing with crazy shit like this. How could you have possibly known?”

  “Because I saw what was happening in Stockholm and London, in Munich and Rome and Sydney, they’re all burning up. This is the big one, Tom.” Tom was about to ask another question when they heard a crash. The sound came from below them and Tom followed Louie as he crab-walked along the ledge to investigate. Louie peered out between two potted plants and he quickly squatted back down. “There are about twenty of them,” he whispered, “mostly kids. Stay down.”

  For the next five minutes, the air was full of shrill screams and banging and crashing sounds. Then, like a roving pack of wolves, the voices began to fade away. Louie motioned for Tom to stay down. Once again, he popped his head up between the plants. “What happened?” whispered Tom.

  “Take a look,” said Louie, not bothering to whisper.

  Tom poked his head up over the ledge and found that they were standing above the parking lot. The dead body of the woman was still sprawled out on the asphalt. Tom’s eyes moved to the pumps and he groaned when he saw the Mercedes. The black SUV looked like it had been to hell and back. The windows were smashed in and the sheet metal was rippled with dents. “Oh shit,” mumbled Tom.

  “Look at the bright side,” said Louie. “At least you weren’t in it.”

  Shari stared down into the pit and felt no sympathy for the women. However, the sight of so much bleached white skin was making her queasy. Without saying a word, she walked back to her house and tossed some clothes into a bag. Shari stopped in the kitchen and she added two bottles of water to the care package. Eventually, she would drop a ladder down to her captives, but not until she received an apology. The more she thought about things, the angrier she became. She tried to imagine herself in their position, caught red-handed, and reacting without an ounce of contrition. That took a lot of nerve. From what Shari could gather, Doris and Marie had been walking, unapologetically, over people for most of their lives. She thought it was high time that somebody taught them a lesson.

  She stepped outside and closed the patio door. The late afterno
on sun was still high in the sky and the tranquil water in the bay was unblemished by a single boat. On a normal day, the lake would have been buzzing with activity, but not today. She turned and headed across the lawn and then she froze. A car, a battered jalopy trailing blue smoke, was headed down the driveway. Shari clutched the shopping bag to her chest and estimated the distance to her bedroom and the Sig Sauer. Brakes squealing, the clunker rolled to a stop. The driver’s door opened and a familiar looking man stepped out. It took a minute before Shari recognized him as Crazy Steve Calizzi. “Hello,” she said, warily.

  “Hey Shelly,” said Steve. “I’m sorry for just dropping by like this, but the gate was open and we thought what the hell.”

  “It’s Shari.”

  “Huh?”

  “My name is Shari.”

  “Right, Shari, like I was sayin’, Lumpy and I were out driving around and we thought we’d stop over and say hello.”

  The passenger door opened and Lumpy climbed out. He gave Shari a polite wave and then his expression changed. He pointed to his face. “Hey, you lost that Popeye thing you had goin’ on. Good for you. Hey, is Fat Tommy around?”

  “No, I’m sorry but Tom is gone and he won’t be home until late.” There was an awkward silence as the young men shrugged their shoulders and stared at the grass. Suddenly, distant screams erupted from the open door of her parent’s house. Lumpy and Steve both turned to face in that direction. “I’ll tell Tom you guys stopped by,” said Shari, hoping they would take the hint.

  “That sounds like Aunt Doris,” said Lumpy.

  “And Aunt Marie,” added Crazy Steve. “Sounds like trouble. We better get in there and see what’s wrong.”

  “There’s nothing to worry about,” said Shari. “They’re just in there poking around. They probably just saw a rat or something.”

  “We better check it out,” said Lumpy. “Come on, Steve.”

  “No, I really wish you guys would leave.”

  With dollar signs flashing in their eyes, Lumpy and Steve turned and sprinted toward the open door. Shari screamed for them to stop, but she could see that there was no stopping them. She ran after them, but they were young and very fast. Soon, both men disappeared inside the house. Shari froze in her tracks and dropped the bag. There was a moment of silence and then all hell broke loose. The screams of the women were quickly drowned out by the shrieking of the men. Shari found that she was also screaming. She left the bag where it was and she ran up to the big house.

  All four of them were in the pit. Steve and Lumpy were sitting on one end, covering their eyes, while Doris and Marie were clawing away at the opposite wall. Shari stood up at the top and she shook her fist. “I tried warning you,” she growled. “But no, you wouldn’t listen to me. Are either of you hurt?”

  “Just my eyes,” groaned Lumpy. “Please, get me a screwdriver so I can pop them out.”

  “Get two screwdrivers,” said Steve. “Sweet Jesus, what the hell is going on down here?”

  Shari ran her fingers through her hair. “Well ladies,” she said, “go ahead and tell them. I have some clothes up here, but you’re not getting them until I get an apology.”

  “Don’t listen to her,” hissed Marie, “she’s trying to kill us.”

  “She’s an evil woman,” added Doris.

  Shari shook her head and laughed, bitterly. “I can wait here all night. I’m not letting anyone out until you women confess what you’ve done. I’m not kidding, Doris.”

  Doris clawed her hands in the air and bared her teeth to Shari. “Wait until I tell Tommy about this! You’re in so much trouble!”

  “You rotten bitch!” screeched Marie.

  “For the love of God,” said Steve, “will you just get them some clothes? I think I’m going to be sick.”

  “Don’t look at them,” said Lumpy. “You’re going to get nightmares.”

  Shari’s anger grew to a feverish pitch. “So, that’s how it’s going to be, huh? Do you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to go back to my house and get my video camera and I’m going to bring it back here. Then I’m going to stream all of this online so the whole world can see you.”

  “You wouldn’t dare,” grunted Marie.

  “You just watch me.”

  “Can she do that?” asked Doris, turning to face her nephews.

  Both men turned away. “Yes, she can!” shouted Steve. “Will you just tell the story and apologize? I don’t want my friends seeing this!”

  “Oh my God,” said Lumpy, “Pete and Bobby are always on the internet. You two had better fess up. I don’t want to have to send my boys to therapy. Do you know how expensive that is?”

  “She’s lying!” screamed Marie, but her voice had lost some of its edge and it was followed by a long moment of silence.

  “I’m sorry,” said Doris. “Fine, you win. I’ll tell the whole story.”

  “Don’t you dare say a word,” hissed Marie. “I’m warning you, Doris.”

  “Shut up,” said Steve.

  “Yeah Aunt Marie, shut your yap,” added Lumpy.

  Marie turned on her nephews like a wild boar. She charged them with both arms swinging. Shari covered her mouth to stifle her laughter. Dressed only in her dirty white bloomers, Marie began slapping her cowering nephews with looping blows. “Who do you think you are?” she bellowed. “I’ll teach you rotten punks some respect! Apologize to me, damn you!”

  “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

  “We’re sorry!”

  “Stop it, Marie!” shouted Doris. “Get away from them!”

  Marie stood over her nephews, sagging breasts heaving from the exertion, and Shari chuckled as the big woman realized her nakedness. Marie covered herself and returned to her corner. “Your arm doesn’t look broken to me,” said Shari.

  “I’m sorry, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?”

  “That’s a start. Now, just for the record, I want you both to explain how you ended up down here to Steve and Lumpy. Don’t leave anything out. When I’m satisfied, I’ll get you your clothes and I’ll drop a ladder down there. Do we have a deal?”

  “Fine! Doris, go ahead and tell it. I want to get the hell out of this hole.”

  And Doris told the story. Shari could see that naked or not, Doris loved the spotlight. She told the story from her eyes, explaining what she had felt and why she had done what she had done. The only part she left out was how she had framed Sam for the missing gun. Shari let that pass. Later, when Tom was there to hear it, they would pull that out of her. Covering their eyes, Steve and Lumpy listened, adding their own two cents as Doris droned on. Marie even chimed in a few times, adding what little she could to deflect as much blame as possible.

  Satisfied, Shari returned to the bag and she brought it back to the pit. She dropped it down and then she walked back to her open garage to fetch the ladder. With her anger subsiding, Shari was finally able to enjoy the humor in the situation. She laughed to herself as she pulled the ladder down from the wall.

  Shari dropped the ladder down and waited as the four relatives climbed up into the daylight. The second they were all outside, Shari slammed the big door shut and she locked it. Doris stared at Shari in disbelief. “You mean that after all that, you won’t let us have a look around? You’re a mean woman, Shari. That’s just cold.”

  “Get off your soapbox. Nobody goes in there, not me, not anyone.”

  “We promise not to take anything,” said Marie, sounding like a kindly old woman. “Isn’t that right, Doris?”

  “That’s right. We promise not to take anything. Lumpy and Steve were just leaving, weren’t you, boys?”

  “Actually,” said Steve, “we ain’t got any gas.”

  “Yeah, we were hoping you might have some in a can or somethin’.”

  “I don’t have any gas,” said Shari. “I use a lawn service and don’t even keep a can in the garage. I have some cash in the house. You can drive up to Super America.”

  Steve shook his head.
“There ain’t no gas, not anywhere. The whole town is dry as a bone. I guess we’re going to have to hang out until Fat Tommy gets home.”

  “Oh,” grunted Marie, “well, this is just great. What would you boys have done if no one was here?”

  “We would’ve waited,” said Lumpy. “What else could we do?”

  Shari shook her head and began walking down the stairs. “I’ll let Tom figure it out when he gets home. Come on, I’ll fix us all some sandwiches. I need a drink.”

  “I need a gallon of whiskey,” agreed Steve. “I want to forget what happened here.”

  “Me too,” said Lumpy. “That was gruesome.”

  Marie stopped in front of them and she waved a finger at her nephews. “If either of you ever breathes a word of this to anyone, so help me, I’ll make you regret it for the rest of your miserable lives. Are we clear on that?”

  “As a bell, your secret is safe with me.”

  “Absolutely, I sure don’t want my boys hearing about this.”

  “Good, I’m glad we understand each other.”

  Doris shook her head. “We were so close. Shari, you’ve got to let me back in there. Not today, but someday. I promise to keep it a secret.”

  “If she goes in, I’m going in,” said Marie. “I think I’ve paid my dues.”

  “Nobody is going in there. What part of no don’t you understand?”

  “Sure is a nice night,” said Steve. “Maybe after we eat, we could go for a spin in that boat? I wonder why nobody is out on the lake.”

  “You know, I was thinking the same thing,” said Shari. “Something big must be going on. Have any of you heard the news, today?”

  “I don’t watch the news,” said Lumpy. “It’s too depressing.”

  “Me either,” agreed Steve. “None of it ever affects me, anyhow.”

  Shari thought about that as she led the group inside. The power was still out, but she had a battery operated radio in the garage and she sent Steve out to fetch it. “It’s under the workbench,” she said. “You can’t miss it.”