The Minnesota Candidate

by Nicholas Antinozzi

  “I was frightened,” sniveled Doris. “I didn’t know what I was doing. I just had to get out of there.”

  “I’d send you back up there, but you’d just get lost in the dark. Shit, we’ve got to figure out a way to get some light down here.”

  “If only you would have remembered to grab some new batteries...”

  “Shut up!”

  “Then you shut up about the matches. Why do you always have to be so mean to me?”

  “Quit your whining and let’s think about this. I think we need to go down there and find the next stairway. We still haven’t found the living area.”

  “What, stumble around in the dark?”

  “Do you have a better idea?”

  Doris shook her head. There didn’t seem to be any windows on this level and there was no way they would survive jumping from the upstairs windows. They had to move forward. She put her hands up in front of her and began to walk. Marie followed behind her, pressing her hands against Doris’ back. “Don’t push me,” said Doris.

  “I’m not pushing you. I just don’t want us to be separated.”

  “Oh, that’s a good idea.”

  Doris stumbled into this and she crashed into that, but she managed to keep her feet under her as she probed the blackness. Her fingers clawed at cobwebs and the giant room began to reek of rotting meat. “Was that you?” grunted Marie.

  “No, whatever it is, it’s getting stronger. I think something got in here and died.”

  “We better hope that doesn’t happen to us.”

  “Will you stop it? I’m scared to death.”

  Doris ran one hand along the wall as she blindly plodded forward. Marie planted her hands on Doris’ hips and she followed along. “You really should go on a diet,” she said, grabbing handfuls of goopy flesh. “You’ve really let yourself go.”

  “Like you should talk, you fat cow,”

  “Can you see anything up there?”

  “Not a thing,” said Doris, feeling the greasy wall as she walked.

  “What is that awful smell? My God, I think I’m gonna barf.”

  The wall suddenly disappeared and Doris stopped. “I think I found the stairs,” she whispered. She took a tentative step and felt for a stair. She dragged her foot over the edge until she found the next step. “Yep, I found the stairs!”

  “Keep going,” said Marie. “I’m right behind you.”

  Clutching the rail, they inched their way down the first flight of stairs. The passageway was barely wide enough for two people to walk side by side. Thankfully, the stink stayed upstairs and Doris commented on it. “I think I smell fresh air.”

  “That was me,” said Marie.

  “Oh, you’re so funny,” said Doris and the two women laughed. Doris felt better after they laughed. She felt her way around the first landing and they started down the second. “I’m getting kind of hungry,” she said. “I wonder if they got anything to eat.”

  “Are you crazy? Nobody has been in here for five years.”

  “They might have some Spam. I can eat that stuff right out of the can.”

  “Spam,” grunted Marie. “Do you really think these people ate Spam?”

  “You never know. I think if I was a millionaire, I’d still buy Spam.”

  “When you are a millionaire, sister. Like sometime later today.”

  Doris liked the sound of that and she nodded her head. “What are you gonna do with your share of the loot?” she asked.

  “Ya know, I’ve been thinking about that. The first thing I’m going to do is buy a real fancy car. Then I’m gonna park it right outside Clyde Bauer’s patio door. He’s a big car guy, ya know. If he’s lucky, I’ll let him take me for a ride.”

  Doris reached another landing. She clawed her way around it, only to find another flight of stairs. “I think I’m going to get a place on a lake; a little cabin on a secluded bay, with a dog and a fishing boat.”

  “But you already have that,” said Marie. “Not the dog part, but all you have to do is get Shari and Tommy to move over here. That house is as good as yours.”

  Doris thought about that. She could see herself living in the little house. She would have to gut the place and start over, but she had plenty of time and she would have plenty of money. “I was thinking about getting a Chihuahua,” she said. “You know, little dog little mess.”

  “I hear ya there. I have this friend who has a Great Dane. Let me tell ya, I couldn’t do it.”

  Doris reached yet another landing. This time she slapped at the walls as she worked her way around it. Like the others, the landing only led to another set of stairs. “How many flights of stairs are in this place?” she asked.

  “Just chill out, girlfriend, I bet this one goes all the way to the first floor.”

  Doris continued walking down the stairs, seeing only blackness. “Shouldn’t we be at the bottom by now?”

  “No, I’ve been keeping track. The first floor should be at the bottom of this flight.”

  “I hope you’re right. This is creeping me out.”

  “Think about your dog. Have you thought of a name?”

  Doris had thought of a name. “Tinker-bell,” she said.

  “Oh my God,” chuckled Marie, “that’s so gay. Tinker-bell, are you kidding me?”

  “What do you mean? Tinker-bell is a great name. Didn’t you watch any Disney shows?”

  “Of course I did. That’s just an awful name for a little dog. You should give it a tough Italian name, like Vito or Rocky.”

  “Why would I want to do that?”

  “Because the poor dog will get a complex, you gotta give little dogs big names.”

  “I didn’t know that. Hey, we’re at the next landing.”

  “Thank God. Find the door, it has to be here.”

  Doris dug her fingers into the concrete wall and scraped them along as she walked. She hit a corner, followed by another. And then she felt another railing. “Argh!” she shouted, “another flight of stupid stairs!”

  “Calm down,” said Marie, patting Doris on the back. “I must have miscalculated. Quit freakin’ out on me. I don’t like this any better than you do.”

  Doris took a deep breath and tried to gather herself. Just then, from somewhere high above, echoed the sound of insidious laughter. The laughter seemed to come from several different voices. Doris froze as her heart threatened to explode. And just as suddenly as it had begun, the laughter stopped. “What in the hell was that?” she whispered.

  “I don’t know,” hissed Marie, “but I don’t think we should wait around to find out. Book it, Doris!”

  And Doris began to book it. Dragging her hand along the railing, she charged down the stairs in a panic. They rounded landing after landing, but there was no sign of a door. Deeper and deeper they descended into the depths of the strange house. Finally, out of breath, Doris could run no more. She and Marie stood on yet another landing, panting like a couple of old race horses. “Great… idea… Marie,” gasped Doris.

  “Kiss… my… fat… ass,” replied Marie.

  They stood there in the darkness for what might have been only a minute, or maybe as many as ten. There was no way of knowing. When Doris was able to breathe normally, she turned to Marie. “What the hell was that?” she asked.

  “I’ve been thinking about that,” said Marie. “I heard something about this place being booby-trapped. Think about it, what if they turned the power back on? If I was filthy rich and wanted to keep people out of a spooky old house, I’d do something just like that.”

  “Just like what? What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Like that crazy laughter… I’d have it on a tape recorder and if someone uninvited tripped over a wire, I’d blast them with that laughing. It sure scared the crap out of us, didn’t it?”

  Doris nodded her head. “Why didn’t I think of that? I feel so stupid. How could we have fallen for that? That’s the oldest trick in the closet.”

  “You got that righ
t, sister. All we have to do is remind ourselves that this house is rigged to make us look like a couple of fools.”

  “I ain’t nobody’s fool.”

  “Me either. Look, let’s just keep walking at a steady pace. No more running, we could have been killed back there. Nice and easy, okay? If we hear anymore laughing, we just laugh along with them. What do ya say?”

  Doris laughed. Above them, much closer than the last time, the laughter returned. Where there seemed to be a dozen voices before, there now seemed to be a hundred. Doris continued laughing and Marie joined in. “When you think about it,” said Doris, “this is really funny!”

  “I know,” howled Marie.

  With the laughing voices behind them, but gaining, Doris and Marie continued walking down the stairs, laughing right along with them.

  Their bed bucking like a mechanical bull, Tom stared down at his wife. Except this monster was not Shari. The body was the same, but Shari’s beautiful face had been twisted into something that was beyond perverted. Her face had ballooned to three times its normal size and there were blackish horns sticking out from her temples. Shari’s beautiful teeth were now yellow and jagged. The temperature in the room seemed to have fallen to below zero. “This is not my wife,” said Tom. “This is Naamah,” he repeated this several times as the bed leapt around the room.

  Alice took him by the arm. “There’s nothing you can do here,” she hollered, trying to be heard over the racket. “You need to get into that house!”

  Tom nodded and allowed Alice to lead him out of the freezing room. Chona closed the door. “What’s the plan?” she asked. “I’m going with you, just so you know that. I can kick some serious ass, if it comes to that.”

  Alice nodded her head and smiled. “You must have missed that part in the journals. Oh yes, you’re supposed to go along with the boys. I thought you would have caught that. I understand, honey, you probably haven’t picked up a book since high school.”

  Chona nodded, but her eyes said that she wanted to kick Alice in the face. “So, you’ll stay here with Shari until we get back?” asked Tom.

  “No, I’ll stay here with Naamah. Shari is gone, Tommy. Now there is only Naamah.”

  “Can’t we leave Levitz here with you?” asked Chona.

  Alice smiled and shook her head. “He’s the Chosen One, you can’t leave him behind. You should know that.”

  “I know,” growled Chona, “it’s in the journals.”

  “Yes, honey, it’s all in there.”

  “Let’s get back to Shari,” said Tom. “We go over there and find that ray gun. Then, all I have to do is come back here and give her a blast? That will get rid of Nallah?”

  “Naamah,” said Alice. “Say it after me… Naa… mah.”

  “I don’t care what that thing’s name is. Just tell me, and save the crap about reading it in the journals, how is a ray gun supposed to work against a demon from hell?”

  “Because,” Alice began, sarcastically, “the reason that Naamah was able to possess Shari is because her brain is full of microchips. Those chips opened her up to Naamah. Once we eliminate the chips, Naamah will be driven back to where she belongs.”

  “What about our baby?”

  “I’m fairly sure that your baby will be fine.”

  “That’s not good enough. I need more than that.”

  Alice pushed Tom toward the stairs. She was surprisingly strong for an octogenarian. “Everything depends on how long it takes for you to bring back that ray gun. You need to get moving, young man. And don’t forget to find your mother and that other meddling fool. Wait until I see them, boy, they are going to get such a tongue-lashing.”

  They found Sam in the kitchen. He was making sandwiches. “I didn’t know how long we’d be over there,” he said, spreading peanut butter across wheat bread. “I thought it was better to be safe than sorry. You guys got any chips?”

  Tom covered his face and ran out of the room. Senator Levitz followed him out into the garage. “Did Alice tell you?” he asked. “I’m the Chosen One. What do you think about that?”

  “I think you should shut up and help me find some flashlights.”

  “You shouldn’t talk to me like that.”

  “I’ll talk to you anyway I please. If we don’t find that ray gun, you won’t live to be the Chosen One. Now, get looking for a flashlight and anything else you think we could use.”

  Levitz wandered over to the control panel for the electrical system. The door was open and he studied the breakers. “This might help,” he said. “The power is off. Here, there we go. I flipped it back on. You can thank me later.”

  The words had no sooner slipped from his mouth when several alarms began to blare. The sound was so loud that Tom covered his ears with his hands. He ran over to the control panel. “Which one was it?” he shouted.

  Levitz pointed up at the switch and Tom flipped it off. The alarms stopped ringing. Tom shook his head, angrily. “What does that mean?” asked Levitz.

  “It means that my mom and Marie are inside the other house. Come on, I want to check something out.”

  “No thanks,” said Levitz. “I’m not leaving this house until I absolutely have to.”

  Tom turned and ran out the open door. He ran across the lawn and down to the back of the big house. He slowed to a jog as he began to feel winded. He began to walk when his heart ordered it. And then he spotted the long extension ladder. One look up at the open window was all Tom needed to know. He imagined his mother up on that ladder, leaping into the open window, and his heart was filled with pride. “My mom did that,” he said to himself. “And so did my aunt, Marie. They’re some tough old birds.”

  Tom jogged back to the garage. He was thinking about what they might need and was putting a list together in his head. Shari kept a couple of canvas sacks under the workbench and Tom squatted down to look for them. The sacks were gone. “Shit,” he grumbled. He found an old duffel bag with a broken zipper and he grabbed it by the nylon handles. “This will have to do,” he said.

  He then began to fill the duffel bag. He tossed in a pair of hammers and some beefy screwdrivers. He added a chisel and can of bug spray and an old roll of yellowing toilet paper. He found a short length of rope and some duct tape and tossed them into the bag. “Think, think, think,” he muttered to himself.

  Sam appeared in the doorway. “Hey, I been lookin’ for ya. What do ya want, Pringles or Cheetos?”

  “What?”

  “You ain’t got any regular chips and some people don’t like Pringles. I was just askin’ to be nice.”

  “And I appreciate that. Why don’t we bring both?”

  “Yeah, why didn’t I think of that? I hope that Senator Levitz doesn’t get too hungry. All you had that was kosher was half a jar of pickles.”

  “That’s his problem.”

  “That’s just what I was thinkin’.”

  “Help me out here. I’m trying to think of what tools we might need. You would probably know a lot better than I would… when it comes to that sort of thing.”

  “And just what is that supposed to mean?”

  “Um… never mind. What do we have to drink? I could sure use a beer.”

  “Alice says no alcohol. I happen to agree with her. We don’t want to be drunk at the end of the world. I don’t think that God would be too happy about that.”

  Tom nodded. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right. How long before you’re ready to roll?”

  “I think we should all use the bathroom before we go. This could be a long trip. What do you think?”

  “You sound just like my ma.”

  “Don’t you ever say that,” laughed Sam.

  Tom shook his head. “Aren’t you even a little bit afraid? Nothing seems to scare you.”

  “Tommy, where I’ve been and the things I seen, I can’t get scared no more. That thrill is gone.”

  “I never thought of it like that. Prison must have been awful.”

  “Prison, who said
anything about prison?” Sam asked, giving Tom a wink. “I’m talkin’ about this crazy family of ours.”

  Tom watched Sam as he walked away. He would often wonder about what he had said. There seemed to be a lot of truth in his words. Tom knew that being part of that same crazy family had prepared him for this day. He wasn’t as cool as Sam, but he felt that he was getting there. He tossed a piece of wire into the bag and continued his search.

  Chona ran out to the garage with a Zippo lighter and a handful of candles. “I couldn’t find a flashlight,” she said. “Your mom and Marie must have taken it.”

  “Did you ask Shari?” asked Tom, realizing his gaffe a second too late.

  “Oh yeah,” said Chona, “she said argh-ugh-argh.”

  “Very funny. Sorry, it’s just a lot to take in.”

  “Don’t worry about it. It isn’t every day that your wife gets possessed by the demon, Nallah.”

  “Naa… mah. Naamah, get it right. Didn’t you read the journals?”

  “Oh my God, she’s a nice old lady, but she is a royal pain in the butt. Was Alice a schoolteacher?”

  “As a matter of fact, she was.”

  “I thought so. She must have majored in condescension in college. I think that’s a prerequisite for teaching school.”

  “I’m just glad that she’s staying here with Shari.”

  “Don’t you mean Naamah?”

  “Nope, I mean Shari. We’re going to find that ray gun, Chona.”

  “I know we are. Just hang onto that thought. We’ll find it.”

  “What about the Chosen One, how does he fit into all of this?”

  “I don’t know… I never got that far in the journals.”

  “Don’t worry, I understand. You probably haven’t picked up a book since high school.”

  Chona fell against the workbench and she began to laugh. “Who says things like that? That woman was born without a filter.”

  “My mom is like that. She never thinks before she starts talking.”

  They laughed and then Chona walked back into the house. Tom felt a lot better about their chances after that. He dropped a few more things into the bag and thought they were as ready as they would ever be. He left the duffel bag on the floor of the garage and he walked back to the patio door. He paused before going inside. There were several boats out on the lake and the sun was just hitting the tops of the trees. It had been a long day, but there was no time to stop for a nap. He wished he was out on the lake, cruising along without a care in the world. He wondered if he would ever feel that way again.