Crossings

by Danielle Steel

  All the way home he had listened to the news on the radio. Air Force spotters were watching the entire West Coast, but no planes had been sighted. There were no further attacks after Pearl Harbor.

  He dialed the private number himself, after making some notes on his desk, and they kept him waiting for a while, but the President came on surprisingly quickly. Everyone of any importance at all in the country would be calling Roosevelt now. But as the President of Burnham Steel, he also knew that he would have top priority.

  As he sat at his desk, with the phone cradled beneath his ear, he made several hasty notes. And as he sat there in rugged clothes, on this Sunday evening, he felt in command again. He had been beaten for the first time in his life, but he wasn't beaten forever. One day he'd get Johnny back, and right now maybe it was just as well that he was with Hillary after all. He had a lot on his mind, and a lot of things were going to change now with the country at war. For a while he wasn't going to have a spare minute. He looked up seriously then as the President came on the line, and Nick told him why he had called him. It was a brief but satisfactory conversation, and Nick got everything he wanted. Now all that remained was to lock his office and see John. After he called Brett Williams.

  Brett Williams was his right-hand man, and had run the United States operation for him during the year Nick was in Europe. And five minutes later Nick had him on the phone at home. Brett had expected to hear from him all afternoon, and wasn't surprised to hear from him now. They both knew what was coming. It would mean a boom for them, but it was still frightening.

  “Well, Nick, what do you think?” There was no greeting, no welcome back, no mention of the disastrous attempt to win custody of Johnny. The two men knew each other well. Brett Williams had begun working at Burnham Steel in the days of Nick's father, and he had been invaluable to Nick since he took over.

  “I think we're going to have one hell of a lot of work. And I think a number of other things too. I just called Roosevelt.”

  “You and every little old lady in Kansas.”

  Nick grinned. Williams was an intriguing man. He had grown up on a farm in Nebraska, earned a scholarship to Harvard, and had been a Rhodes scholar at Cambridge. He had come a long way from the fields of Nebraska. “I made some notes. Peggy will type them up for you tomorrow. But I want to ask you a few pertinent questions now.”

  “Shoot.”

  He hesitated for a moment, wondering if he'd be willing to do it. It was a lot to ask. But Williams didn't let him down. He never had before, and Nick knew he wouldn't now. But it was good to hear it from Williams himself. He wasn't really surprised at what Nick asked, as Roosevelt hadn't been when Nick had called him. It was the only thing Nick could do, given who, and what, he was. And all three of them knew that. What Nick wondered now was if Johnny would understand too.

  ick picked Johnny up at Hillary's apartment on Friday. He had wound everything up in the office before he left and he had the whole weekend free for his son. The boy was ecstatic to see him. Hillary watched them from the doorway with pursed lips and her greeting to Nick was cool, as was his to her.

  “Hello, Hillary. I'll bring him back on Sunday at seven.”

  “I think five would be better.” There was a brief lightning bolt of tension between them, and Nick decided not to argue with her in front of the child. He had been through enough, and Nick didn't want to spoil their visit.

  “Fine.”

  “Where will you be?”

  “At my apartment.”

  “Have him call me tomorrow. I want to know he's all right.” Her words grated on Nick's nerves, but he nodded and they left and he questioned Johnny intensely in the car, but although the boy would have preferred living with his father, he had to admit that his mother was being decent to him. And Mrs. Markham Sr. had been very nice to him in Palm Beach. She had given him a lot of presents and took him on walks with her, and Johnny liked her. He admitted that he wasn't seeing too much of his mother and Philip. They were out most of the time, and he had the impression that Philip didn't care much for kids.

  “They're okay, I guess. But it's not like living with you, Dad.” He grinned broadly as he walked back into his old room and threw himself on the bed.

  “Welcome home, son.” Nick watched him with a happy smile, and the ache of the past nine days began to dull. “It sure is good to have you back.”

  “It sure is good to be here.” They had a quiet dinner together that night, and Nick tucked him into bed. He had a lot to talk to him about that weekend, but it could wait. They spent Saturday skating in Central Park, and went out for a movie and a hamburger. It seemed very different from their old life, and it lacked the ease of an everyday existence, but Nick was just glad to be with John. And on Sunday he told him what he'd been putting off all weekend. They had talked several times about Pearl Harbor, and what it meant for the United States, but it was only on Sunday afternoon that Nick told him he was reenlisting.

  “You are?” The child looked shocked. “You mean you're going to go fight the Japs?” He had heard that at school and Nick wasn't sure he liked the way he said it, but he nodded.

  “I don't know where I'll be sent, John. I could be sent anywhere.” The boy thought it over carefully and then he raised sad eyes to his father's.

  “That means you'll be going away again, like when you were in Paris.” He didn't remind his father that he had promised never to leave him again, but Nick saw the reproach in his eyes. No matter that the whole world was upside down and Hawaii had been bombed, he felt guilty suddenly for reenlisting. It had been that that he had wanted to check out with Williams. As the head of a major industry in the country, he could have gotten a deferral. But he didn't want that, he wanted to go and fight for his country. He no longer had his son with him, and he needed to get away from it all. From Hillary, and the courts and the agony of an appeal, and even from the reproaches in his son's eyes because he had been unable to keep him. He had realized that he needed to make some radical changes as he walked through the woods in Massachusetts, and when he had heard the news of Pearl Harbor, he had known instantly what he had to do. His call to Roosevelt had been to inform him and expedite his reenlistment. And his call to Brett had been to ask the man to run Burnham Steel in his absence. Brett was the only man he would have left it to. As long as he was willing, Nick was going. “How soon will you leave, Dad?”

  Johnny seemed like a little grown-up as he asked. He had seen a lot in the last few months, and he had grown up a great deal.

  “I don't know, Johnny. Probably not for quite a while, but it all depends on where they decide to send me.” Johnny digested his father's words and nodded, but it threw a pall on the rest of their afternoon, and Nick was doubly glad that he hadn't told him sooner.

  Even Hillary noticed how subdued the boy was when Nick brought him home. She looked at Johnny, then at Nick, and was quick to ask. “What happened?”

  “I told him that I've reenlisted.”

  “In the Marines?” Hillary looked startled as he nodded. “But you already served.”

  “Our country's at war, or hadn't you heard?”

  “But you don't have to serve. You're exempt.”

  Nick noticed their son listening to their words with interest. “I have a responsibility to my country.”

  “Do you want me to start singing ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’?”

  “Good night, John.” He ignored her and kissed their son good-bye. “I'll call you tomorrow.” He was reporting to Quantico, Virginia, on Tuesday, and after that he would be busy for a week or two. He had stayed in the reserves for a long time, so he didn't have to retrain, and he was going in with the same rank he'd had when he left, as a major.

  And that night as Nick went back to the apartment, he wondered what Hillary would tell Johnny, that he didn't have to go to war? That he was being a fool? Then what would the boy think? That he was being abandoned, He felt suddenly tired again as he tried to sort it all out in his head, and went
back to the apartment to go through some papers. He had a lot to do before Tuesday.

  hen Nick reported to the base at Quantico on Tuesday morning, he was amazed at how many men were reporting back to duty. There were one or two faces he knew from the reserves, and legions of young boys signing up as enlisted men. And he was surprised too at how comfortable he felt to be back in uniform. He walked smartly down the hall, and a nervous young boy snapped to attention and addressed him as Colonel.

  “That's General, sir!” Nick roared and the boy almost peed in his pants as Nick tried not to laugh.

  “Yes, sir! General!” The brand-new private disappeared and Nick grinned as he turned a corner and ran into an old friend who had seen what he'd just done.

  “You should be ashamed of yourself. Those kids are just as patriotic as you are. Probably more so. What are you doing, trying to get out of a tough week at the office?” The man who addressed him was an attorney he'd gone to Yale with, and served with in the reserves years later.

  “What happened to you, Jack? Did they disbar you?”

  “Hell, yes, why else would I be here?” The two men laughed and wandered down the hall. They had to pick up their orders. “I have to admit to you, though, by last night I decided I was nuts.”

  “I could have told you that at Yale.” And then he glanced at his friend. “Any guess as to where they'll send us?”

  “Tokyo. To the Imperial Hotel.”

  “Sounds nice.” Nick grinned. It was strange being back in the military, but he didn't dislike it. He had talked to Johnny the night before too, and he thought the boy finally understood what he was doing. He had actually sounded proud of him and it took a huge burden off Nick's shoulders to hear him like that.

  They saluted the officer who handed them their orders and she smiled. They were the best-looking pair she'd seen all week, and although Jack Ames wore a wedding band on his left hand, she noticed that Major Burnham didn't.

  “Do we get to open these now, Lieutenant? Or do we wait?”

  “Suit yourselves, just so you report for duty on time.”

  She smiled and Jack opened his first, with a nervous grin. “And the winner is … shit. San Diego. What about you, Nick?”

  He opened the envelope and glanced at the single sheet of paper. “San Francisco.”

  “And then on to Tokyo, right, cutie pie?” Jack pinched the girl's cheek.

  “That's Lieutenant to you.”

  They walked back into the hall, and Nick was lost in thought.

  “What's the matter, don't you like San Francisco?”

  “I like it fine.”

  “Then what's the matter?”

  “My orders say I've got to be there by next Tuesday.”

  “So? You had other plans? Maybe it's not too late to change your mind.”

  “It's not that. I'll have to leave by day after tomorrow. I told my boy …” He stood lost in thought, and Jack understood. He had a wife and three daughters to contend with. He patted Nick on the shoulder and left him to his own thoughts, and that night Nick called Johnny at Hillary's place. There was no easy way to break the news. He already knew that he was to leave by train on Thursday night, and he would be given a twenty-four-hour leave before that. It wasn't long enough to say good-bye to his son, but it was all they had. He spoke to Hillary first and explained the situation to her, and for once she was decent and agreed to let him see the boy the following night, and on Thursday, for as long as he could. And then she put Johnny on the phone. She told Nick that she'd let him break the news himself. “Hi, Dad.”

  “Major Dad, if you please.” He tried to keep his tone light, but his mind was already on their good-bye. It wouldn't be an easy one for either of them, and he was terrified that the child would feel abandoned. But he knew that he was doing what he had to do. “How're you doing, tiger?”

  “I'm okay.” But he sounded sad again. He hadn't fully recovered yet from the news Nick had given him only two days before, and there was worse to come.

  “How about spending tomorrow night with me?”

  “Can I do that?” Excitement filled his voice. “You think Mom'll let me go?”

  “I already asked and she agreed.”

  “Wow! That's great!”

  “I'll pick you up at five o'clock. You can spend the night at my place, and you can figure out where you want to eat.”

  “You mean you already have leave?”

  “Sure. I'm an important man.”

  His son laughed. “It must be easy being a marine.”

  Nick groaned. “I wouldn't say that.” It was a distant memory but he still remembered boot camp eighteen years before. “Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow night. Five o'clock.” He hung up and wandered slowly away from the phone. It was going to be rough saying good-bye to him, but no worse than what had happened to them only weeks before. He thought back to the trial, and then pushed it from his head. He couldn't bear the memory of the night Hillary had picked Johnny up. Not that this was going to be much easier, and he wasn't wrong.

  He told Johnny over dinner the next night, and the child simply sat and stared at him. He didn't cry, he didn't balk, he didn't say a single word. He just looked at him, and the way he did almost broke Nick's heart.

  “Come on, tiger. It's not that bad.”

  “You promised you'd never leave me again. You promised, Dad.” It wasn't a whine, just a small sad voice.

  “But, Johnny, we're at war.”

  “Mom says you don't have to go.”

  He took a deep breath. “She's right. If I wanted to, I could hide behind my desk, but it wouldn't be right. Would you be proud of me if I did that? In a few months your friends’ fathers will be going off to war. How would you feel then?”

  “Glad that you were here with me.” At least he was honest, but Nick shook his head.

  “Eventually you'd be ashamed. Is that really what you want me to do?”

  “I don't know.” He stared into his plate for a long time. And then finally he looked up at him. “I just wish you wouldn't go.”

  “I wish the Japanese hadn't attacked Pearl Harbor, John. But they did. And now it's our turn to go and fight. They've been fighting in Europe for a long, long time.”

  “But you used to say we'd never go to war.”

  “I was wrong, son. Dead wrong. And now I'm going to do what I have to do. I'm going to miss you like crazy, every day and every night, but you and I both must believe that I did the right thing.”

  Tears seeped slowly into his son's eyes. He wasn't convinced. “What if you don't come back?”

  His voice was gruff. “I will.” He started to add “I swear,” but he had sworn before, and lately they hadn't done so well with things he'd sworn about. “Just know that, son. Know that I'll come back and I will.” He told him about San Francisco then, and eventually he paid the check and they went home. It felt strange to Nick to be back in uniform again, but for the last few days uniforms had begun to spring up everywhere. And as they left the restaurant, with their arms around each other, he wondered if one day his son would be proud, or if he'd never give a damn, feeling only that he'd been betrayed again and again, by a mother who didn't care, a judge who didn't understand, and a father who'd run off to play soldier. His heart was heavy as he tucked Johnny in that night, and the next day was worse. They took a long walk in the park, and watched the ice skaters swirling on the Wollman rink, but there were other things on their minds, and time moved too fast for both of them. He took him back to Hillary's at four, and she opened the door and looked at her son. He looked as though someone had just died, and she watched as Nick said good-bye.

  “Take good care, son. I'll call from San Francisco whenever I can.” He knelt beside the crying child. “You take care of yourself now, you hear? I'll be back. You know I will.” But Johnny only flung his arms around his father's neck.

  “Don't go … don't go … you'll get killed.”

  “I won't.” Nick had to fight back tears too, and Hillary
turned away. For once their pain had touched her too. Nick squeezed the boy tight once more and then stood up. “Go on in now, son.” But he only stood there as Nick left, watching as he turned once more to wave good-bye, and then he was gone, running down the street to hail a cab, a tall blond man in uniform, with deep-green eyes swimming in tears.

  He picked up his bags at his apartment then, and said good-bye to the maid. She cried too, and he hugged her once before he left, shook hands with Mike at the front door downstairs, and then he was off to catch his train, and as he took his seat with the other men, he was reminded of the last train he'd seen, the one carrying Liane to Washington as he'd stood on the platform and watched her go. How different their lives were now, or his at least. He hoped that for her nothing had changed, that Armand had survived the war thus far. And he knew now what they'd been through when she had left Toulon, the wrenching good-byes. All he could think of on the way west was his son, and his face as he'd looked up at his father and cried. He called him midway on the trip, but the boy was out and he'd had to board the train again quickly. He'd call him again from San Francisco when he arrived, but when he did, he never got to a phone at the right time. He was swamped with orders, assignments, and adjustments to the no-longer-familiar military regime. It was a relief when at last he got to his own room. The Marines had taken over several small hotels on Market Street, they had no more accommodations to house their men and it was the best they could do. And when Nick closed the door at last on Tuesday night, it was difficult to believe that he'd only been back in the military for a week. It seemed as though he'd been back for years, and he was already sick of it. But there was a war to fight. He hoped they'd ship him out soon. There was nothing for him in this town. There was a sea of uniforms everywhere. And all he wanted was a quiet place to sleep. He lay in the dark on the narrow bed in his hotel, and he was just drifting off to sleep when he heard a knock at the door. He muttered an expletive as he tripped on his way out of bed and stubbed his toe, and yanked the door open to see a nervous private standing there with a clipboard.