—CARRIE MCCRAY.
De preacher was up preaching and he said: “Every tongue got to confess; everybody got to stand in judgment for theyself; every tub got to stand on its own bottom.”
One little tee-ninchy * woman in de amen corner said: “Lordy, make my bottom wider.”
—REBECCA CORBETT.
There wuz two deacons of de church, one Methodist and one Baptist. They went out sailing one night in a little boat and in de late watches of de night de water begin to git rough and stormy, and de tides begin to rise, and de boat begin to wheel and rock to ketch water; and de Methodist deacon said to the Baptist deacon: “Say dere, brother, we better git busy and begin to dip dis water out de boat wid a bucket.”
So de Baptist deacon decided dat dipping de water out wid a bucket wuzn’t gettin’ much results. So de Baptist deacon decided dey better pray. So he said, “We better say our prayers.”
The Methodist deacon said, “No, dem little God damn Our Fathers prayers ain’t gointer do us any good, dip water.”
—CARRIE MCCRAY.
A man wuz cussin’ and damnin’, an’ a preacher come along and says tuh him: “Son, it’s wrong tuh be talkin’ ’bout fightin’. Let God fight your case.”
So de man says: “All right.” An’ so he didn’t fight.
’Bout uh week after dat de man met de preacher, an’ he wuz all scratched up, an’ his clothes all tore up. He said to de preacher: “God maybe all right in uh man fight, but He ain’t worth uh damn in uh bear fight.”
—GEORGE BROWN.
A man wuz hongry and he ast de preacher to help him out. De preacher tole him just ast de Lawd for whut he wants and he’ll git it. So de man went home and got down and ast de Lawd, says: “O Lawd, send me down a barrel of flour, a barrel of meal, a barrel of sugar, a tub of lard, ten hams, a side of meat, a barrel of pepper—hold on, dere a minute, God. Dat’s too damn much pepper.”
—NAT JAMES.
This was a great big woman. So she had done got religion and was going to be baptized in de river de next Sunday. So she went round and tole her friends she had better religion than anybody ever joined dat church and they better come see her baptized. So they did.
De preacher was a lil man, and de river was full of holes, and he got fretted when he heard how this big portly sister was going to rear and pitch out dere in dat water, so he got to studying ’bout dat thing.
So dat Sunday he tole de deacons to make her de last candidate and to stand close and give him aid and assistance wid her case. All de time he was baptizing de others, she was rearin’ and pitchin’ and hollerin’ so de people on shore could take notice. When he got to her he said de words right quick and ducks her under and holds her under till she swallows a little water. She was so full when she come up she couldn’t git her wind. She was steppin’ out on de bank before she got straight to open her mouf, but she seen all de folks upon de bank she had done tole to come so she had to say something; but all she could git out was “Chris’mus gift”.
—L. O. TAYLOR.
Two men wuz hoboing round an’ come tuh uh town. They had done caught three pigeons an’ wuz ’bout tuh kill ’em an’ eat ’em when dey heard somebody say de church needed uh preacher. So they made it up for one of ’em to preach an’ git holt uh some money.
They went on to de church house an’ one of ’em took de pigeons an’ clammed up in de loft, an’ de other one took his seat in de pulpit.
When de people come, he tole ’em he wuz uh preacher an’ uh God-sent man: so they let ’im preach.
Him an’ his partner had done made it up dat everytime he call for uh pigeon from heben, de one up in de loft would send down one so de people would think it come from heben. Dey knowed dey wuz going tuh get uh good collection after that.
De one dat wuz preachin’ reared an’ he pitched. De church got all warmed up. After awhile he thowed back his head an’ hollered, “If I be uh God-sent man, send me down uh pigeon from heben!”
De one up in de loft sent down uh pigeon. De people begin tuh shout.
He preached on awhile an’ he hollered agin, “If I be uh God-sent man, send down another pigeon!”
Down come another pigeon. De people wuz goin’ wild. Some of ’em even got skeered an’ crep’ out de church.
He preached some more, den he hollered de third time, “If I be uh God-sent man, send down another pigeon!”
De pigeon didn’t come. He hollered agin, but no pigeon. He figgered his buddy mus’ be sleep so he hollered still louder. De one up in de loft wuzn’t sleep. Dat last pigeon had done got loose an’ he wuz tryin’ tuh ketch ’im, so when his buddy kept on hollerin’, he hollered down, “You kin wait till I ketch ’im, cantcher?”
—CLIFFERT ULMER.
There was a church at my home that couldn’t keep a pastor. So they changed pastors as regular as jumping checkers. So at last one of the deacons said, “I’ve found the man.”
So on Saturday he come to preach Sunday, so the deacon advised him to be particular for he had a peculiar people to deal with.
He said, “Oh, I’ll suit the people all right.”
So on Sunday everybody was in a hurry to get to church. When he got up to address the congregation he said: “Brothers and sisters, it affords me no small source of pleasure of being with you today.”
So his favorite deacon whispers to him and says, “Be careful, for God’s sake! Don’t tell a lie.”
The preacher said, “I want to sing one of my favorite songs suited to common meter.” So he gave it out—“O for a thousand tongues to sing my Great Redeemer’s praise!”
One old deacon back in the corner said, “Come on down! Come on down from there! You have lied to start with—got a thousand tongues singing a song I can sing with one tongue. Come on down.”
And that’s all he got to say in that church, and when I left home they were still pastorless.
—JOE WILEY.
Once there wuz an ole lady so par’lyzed tuh not do nothing. One day she wuz in church, so de preacher put a man in de loft of de church and told him, when he say, “De Lawd is coming by”, to go tuh tearin’ off de shingles and make uh fuss.
He begin to preach. He said, “De Lawd is coming by,” man begin to tear shingles and make a fuss. Everything begin to run, and this par’lyzed lady led de crowd hollerin’, “De Lawd is coming by.”
—EDWARD MORRIS.
There were once an old fellow, a farmer, and he had cleared some new ground, and he had a lil son and when he went to cultivate this land he put his son out to plow it with a very contrary mule; and de boy was plowing and de mule was going contrary, and de boy begin to curse and rear at de mule. So a preacher was passing at de time to revival meeting, and he heard the boy cussing and he ast de boy why did he cuss so bad and why didn’t he pray. And de boy told him that a man couldn’t pray and plow new ground, and so de preacher begged de boy to come to church dat night—which he did.
De preacher says, “You never hear me cuss, smoke, drink or lie, and if you ever hear or see me doing any of those things—you just whistle.”
De preacher talked on and said, “Nothing could pick the grass as close to the ground as a goose,” and when he said dat the lil boy raised up in de back of the church and whistled.
The preacher remembered that he had told the boy right immediately and after he finished preaching he ast de boy whut did he lie ’bout.
De lil boy tole him, “I heard you say dat nothin’ could pick grass as close as a goose; but I must say dat a gander can pick it just as close as a goose.”
—JERRY BENNETT.
Man loved preachers an’ uster always have uh heap uh stump knockers * round all de time. He had uh boy dat wuz kinda mis chee vous an’ one time he made de ole man so mad he tole ’im to git out an’ go where he couldn’t never see ’im no more. De boy jus’ wanted tuh be aggravatin’, so he ast ’im where he must go. De ole man wuz so mad he tole him tuh go tuh hell, cause he didn’t keer whut become of ’im.
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De boy went on off an’ thought he would jus’ travel roun’ an’ see de world while he wuz on his way tuh hell. He traveled on till he come tuh de land uh de molly-moes (mile-ormores). They is great big birds dat sticks they heads down in de ground when they see somebody comin’ an’ shake they feathers, an’ you kin hear de wind whistlin’ thew ’em fur uh mile or mo’.
He got by dem all right an’ traveled on till he got tuh Head-and-Belly land. Dere all you had tuh do wuz tuh set down on de side uh de road an’ wait, an’ anything you want tuh eat would come by yuh. Uh baked hog wid uh knife an’ fork in his side would come trottin’ long an’ all you had tuh do wuz tuh stop ’im an’ eat all you want—then tell ’im tuh go on tuh de nex’ one dat wanted some meat. Fried chickens an’ everything come long, an’ tater pies an’ he et all he wanted; den he went on where he wuz gwine.
Way after while he got tuh hell, but everybody wuz back in de kitchen, an’ so when he hailed he didn’t git no answer. He didn’t see no dogs, so he went on round tuh de back an’ heered somebody talkin’ in de kitchen an’ he got skeered. He thought whut uh bad boy he uster be an’ he wuz skeered de devil wuz gointer ketch ’im an’ chunk ’im in de fire, but he didn’t see de fire. Way after while he got up nerve tuh peep thew un crack an’ he seen de devil settin’ tuh de table playin’ skin wid two or three preachers. One of ’em said: “Seem lak Ah hear somebody outside. Better go look.”
De devil played on. De preacher tole ’im agin he thought he heered somebody outside, but de devil got mad an’ tole ’im: “Say! you tryin’ tuh git me tuh go outside so you kin shuffle dese cards tuh suit yo’self. But Ah ain’t goin’ no damn where till you fall.”
De devil had uh big open fireplace wid taters roastin’ in de ashes an’ slices uh country cured ham broilin’ on sticks an’ uh big jug uh likker settin’ on de table. Bad Boy wanted tuh git in dere so bad! He wanted de devil tuh ketch ’im after he seen all dat, so he made some noise wid his feet. Afterwhile de devil says: “B’lieve I do hear somebody out dere, but it ain’t nobody but uh preacher an’ I got too many uh dem here now tuh eat up my rations an’ drink up mah likker. He sho ain’t gointuh git in. B’lieve I’ll go sick de dogs on ’im.”
De boy went on way from hell an’ kept on travelin’ fuh uh year uh two, den he come tuh uh place an’ some crackers got ’im. They had uh way uh ketchin’ niggers an’ keerin’ ’em cross on uh island an’ makin’ ’em work two or three years, an’ den if youse uh good nigger, they’d give yuh uh pass an’ let yuh go. They paid yuh all right, but you couldn’t leave.
Well, de boy staid over dere three years an’ saved all his money. Den he got intuh uh crap game an’ won uh whole heap uh money, so he made up in his mind he wanted out. So he went on down tuh de boat an’ de white man dat run de boat wuz settin’ dere readin’ uh paper wid his gun layin’ on de groun’ beside ’im. He had jus’ cleaned it. He wouldn’t eben look up at de nigger.
He say tuh de man: “Cap’n, Ah’d lak tuh go cross here tuhday.”
De white man didn’t look up, still he jus’ retched out his hand fuh de pass an’ de boy says: “Ah ain’t got no pass, cap’n, but Ah’m liable tuh give yuh uh couple hunded dollahs fur keerin’ me cross.”
De white man put down his paper an’ looked at ’im an’ said: “Oh, you got to, got to lick Venus, got to lick Venus an’ her puppies (pistol and six bullets) or you can’t cross here.” (Sung to the tune of “You must have dat true religion.”)
De boy reached in his shirt an’ tole ’im, “Ah got uh thirty-two-twenty; b’lieve tuh mah soul it’s uh doggone plenty. If dat ain’t enough Ah got uh forty-four-forty an’ uh pocket full uh cartidges an’Ah’m goin’ cross here.” (Sung to same air.)
Dat white man looked at dat pistol, begin tuh clap his hands an’ says: “Oh, git on board, lil childen, git on board lil childen, git on board lil childen, dere’s room for many uh mo’.” (Chorus of “Git on board”.)
De boy come on cross an’ kep’ on travelin’. Way afterwhile he come home. He had done been off seben years when he got back. It wuz uh cold night when he come tuh de door an’ knocked an’ de ole man said: “Who is dat?”
An’de boy said: “It’s me, John.” De ole man let ’im in an’ he looked so well de ole man wuz glad tuh see ’im, so he ast ’im where he been all dis time, an’ he says: “You tole me to go tuh hell, didn’t yuh? Well, Ah went.” He looked round an’ seen six preachers settin’ tuh de fire.
“Naw! Whut wuz hell lak?”
“Jus’ lak here. Ah couldn’t git tuh de fire fuh de preachers.”
—JAMES PRESLEY.
Uncle Jeff and The Church
During slavery there was an old slave named Jeff and he used to serve his old master so well that he used to give him his old clothes once in a while.
One time he gave Jeff a good pair of pants that he didn’t like for some cause and Jeff decided—now that he had something nice to wear—to join the church, but he wanted to join the white church. So when Sunday came, he went and took a seat in the back of the church, and when they opened the doors of the church, he got up and told them he wanted to join.
You know they didn’t want him in the church; but the preacher didn’t exactly know how to turn him off; so he asked him, he said: “Jeff, do you think the Lord intended for you to join this church?”
Jeff said, “Why sho, He tole me to go unite myself wid a church, an’ de niggers ain’t got none; so He musta meant for me to join dis one.”
“Jeff, I think you are mistaken. You didn’t understand Him. I tell you what to do. You go back and ask him again, and if He tells you to come here again—why, then you can join.”
Jeff knew that the preacher had just taken a way to get rid of him, so he waited a long time before he went back; but finally he did go, and when the doors of the church were opened, he went up again.
The preacher said, “Well, Jeff, what did the Lord tell you this time?”
“I went back and ast de Lawd agin lak you tole me about joinin’ dis church.”
“Well, what did He say, Jeff?”
“He say dat a good Christian lak me oughter been ’shamed of myself for even comin’ here thinkin’ ’bout joinin’ dis church. He says He ain’t never even joined here hisself. Fact is, He don’t think He could git in if He wuz to try.”
Then Jeff walked on out dat church and never came back.
—LOUISE NOBLE.
Preacher had a son that was just crazy ’bout card playin and gamblin. So one Sunday he was at it wid some of his friends and his old man come in. The boy was scared to let his pa ketch ’im so, you know in them days, preachers used to wear long dusters. So he had one hanging long side de wall. So de boy just stuck de cards in de pocket of de coat and make out he wasn’t doing a thing. So de preacher put de coat on and went on down to de river to baptize some converts. De boy and his mama went too.
So when de preacher got out waist deep out come de ace. Next thing a king, next a queen and jack. Then de deuce. (A good poker hand)
De boy’s mama hollered: “Oh, my husband done lost!” (She meant his soul, thinking he had taken to gambling.)
Boys says: “Well, mama, if papa lose wid a hand like that he don’t deserve no sympathy.”
—MACK C. FORD.
Once there was a preacher in the pulpit that had a handkerchief in his pocket. A man slipped a lamp eel in his pocket. The preacher reached his hand in his pocket to get his handkerchief, and grabbed the lamp eel by the head. He went to hollering and said, “What is it, what is it, what is it?”
An old sister in the church said, “I don’t know what in the hell it is, but don’t throw it on me.”
—JOE WILEY.
There was a man went to church every Sunday and he would shout and run all over the church. One of the deacons of the church told the man if he would stop shouting and running around all over the church he would get him a pair of boots. The man stood it for about two Sundays. When the preacher was preaching,
the man got happy and said: “Boots or no boots!” and started to shouting.
—DAVID LEVERETT.
Too many people say step out on de word. But all dem words don’t say preach. Sometimes God writes and just as soon as God git to de letter P—they run off and go preach. God wuz gointer say ‘plow’, but they don’t wait tuh see.
Now, one time uh jackass sent uh man tuh preach. They wuz two brothers and both of ’em wuz preaching and one always had big charges, so de other one went down in de woods and prayed to de Lord to know if he wuz called. About a mile or more through de woods uh man had a jackass and he wuz hungry, so just as de man ast de Lord dat, he whickered: “Waa-anh Wanh! Go preach, go preach!”
De man jumped up and went and tole folks he wuz called to preach. But look like he never could git no good charges. He wuz always on turpentine stills and sawmill camps. So one day he met his brother and ast him how come, and his brother tole him, says: “You sho de Lord done called you to preach?” He tole him yeah, he heard de voice distinct. Says, “You better go ast Him agin.”
So he went back to de same praying ground, but de woods wuz cut down. So when he ast de Lord dis time, de jackass whickered agin and de man looked up and seen him, and says: “Yes, youse de son of a gun * sent me off to preach last time.”
—EUGENE OLIVER.
There was a little boy lived on a hill and it was a thicket between his home and the schoolhouse. One day he was coming from school. He was going up the hill and met a bear. The boy came running back down the hill and he met a preacher. The preacher saw him running and asked, “What’s the matter, son?”
The boy told him that a bear got after him. The preacher asked him why didn’t he stop and pray, and the boy said, “I didn’t have time.”
The preacher said, “I am going up there—watch me.”
The boy watched the preacher. After while the preacher came running down. The boy asked what was the matter. The preacher said, “A bear got after me, son. A prayer is all right in prayer meeting, but it ain’t worth a damn in bear-meeting.”
Every Tongue Got to Confess Page 5
