—EDWARD MORRIS.
My daddy was a great preacher. One Sunday he got to preaching and said: “When I get to heaven, I am going to fly around awhile, then I am going to put on my golden slippers and walk around awhile.”
There was a bunch of boys standing around the church house peeping in the windows. So the preacher said, “I am going to see God for myself. I am going to tell him how you treated me. I am going to be on Hallelujah Street, and then I am going to have some fun.” And he wanted to show the people how he was going to have fun. He started to sit down in the window, but it was up and he fell out on the ground. The boys came running around the church house to see what had happened. The preacher said, “What in the hell is you all coming around here for? The fun is all over now.”
—L.O. TAYLOR.
There was two colored preachers went to Mississippi to run revival and ran their meeting for two weeks.
At the end of the meeting they had gained a lot of souls. So on their way back to Alabama they stopped to count money, and to their surprise they had a hundred bucks a-piece.
The younger preacher said to the old one, “Let’s shoot some craps.”
The older one said, “No, no, I’ve quit all that for twenty years.”
So the younger one kept on persuading him until finally the game started. The younger preacher had a sharp shot they called the Hudson; the older preacher had the shot they call the Up-and-Out.
So him and him! The old preacher losing all the time. So when he got to his last dollar he opened his knife—(Soliloquy): “And as soon as the younger one make that point I am going to take my money back.”
The younger one was watching him all the time, so he continued to shoot. As soon as the point was made the old one fastened him around the neck and said: “Give me my money! I’ve ’hark from the tomb around your neck,” not noticing the thirty-two–twenty the younger preacher had in his side. So the young preacher said, “Yes, but I’ve got the doleful sound.”
So the old one looked and saw the gat and said, “The doleful sound gets it.” So I being there, I asked the bushes to go my bond.*
—JOE WILEY.
I had the occasion of leaving Alabama and going to Georgia. While being in Georgia I attended a meeting runned by Reverend Fullbosom. So the meeting lasted one week.
So all the time meeting was going on, nobody wouldn’t bow down, neither say “amen” to nothing said.
So the church had only one door and one window, and the window was in the pulpit behind the preacher. So the last night of the meeting, Reverend Fullbosom carried his fifty-six special; so when church begin Reverend said: “Brothers and sisters, we are about to end our meeting, so Brother Sexton, lock the door and bring me the key.” So he did, the sexton being peg-legged.
About that time I was a mourner.
Reverend Fullbosom said, “I’ve preached to all of you one week and not a one of you have even bowed down.” So he opened his grip and out with his fifty-six special and said: “Now, all of you thieves, and robbers, hoboes, cut-throats, and rounders, BOW DOWN!”
So they begin to bow. So the peg-leg man thought it was impossible for him to bend that peg, so he said: “Brother Pastor, me too?”
Reverend said, “Yes, you peg-leg son of a gun, BOW DOWN!”
So when I looked around the sexton was on both knees singing: “If my wife is in this church, tell her to come here please; if she ain’t got time to come, tell her to send me them keys.”
So Reverend made three shots in the church and everybody went to run and made for the side of the church, and running so fast they carried it twenty-eight miles before they thought to turn it loose.
—JOE WILEY.
“Say, boy, where have you been?”
“I been to hell and everywheres else, mister.”
“What did you see there?”
“I saw a preacher and some boys. The boys was shooting crap on Sunday. The preacher scolded them and told them they ought not to do that. So the boys told the preacher that they were going to find Jesus next Sunday. So the boys had dirty * under a hat and covered it up. The preacher was standing up and they all said, ‘We have found Jesus.’
“ ‘Where is he,’ said the preacher?
“ ‘You pick it up,’ said the boys.
“So the preacher picked the hat up and said, ‘Well, boys, Jesus done defecated and gone.’ ”
—EDWARD MORRIS.
* Originally typed “package” but changed in the manuscript.
* “Shine” or “moonshine.”
* “tiny.”
* “preachers.”
* Originally typed “son of a bitch,” but changed in the manuscript.
* As in, “headed for the hills.”
* incriminating evidence.
Devil Tales
The’ passed the communion cup to a woman and she turned it up to her head and drunk it all up. She rubbed her belly and hand de cup back to de deacon and says: “Hah! I could drink uh quart uh dat wine for my sweet Jesus.”
Baptis’ and Meth’dis’ always got a pick out at one ’nother.
One time two preachers—one Meth’dis’ and de other Baptis’ wuz on a train and de engine blowed up. When they started up in de air de Baptis’ preacher hollered: “I bet I go higher than you.”
A man had two sons. One was name Jack and de other one was name Frank. So they got grown and their father called ’em one day and says, “Now, y’all are grown. Here’s five hundred dollars a piece. Go out for yourself.”
Frank took his and went and bought him a farm and settled down.
Jack took his and went on down de road. He got into a crap game and bet his five hundred dollars and won. He bet five hundred more and won agin.
He went walking on down de road and met a man. “Good morning, my boy, what might be your name?”
“My name is Jack. Who are you?”
“Lie-a-road to ketch meddlers.”
Jack says, “I speck youse de man I’m looking for to play me some five-up.”
“All right, let’s go.”
So they set down and played and Jack lost. “I got five hundred more that says I’ll win.” They played and Jack lost agin. “Well,” he says, “I got five hundred more.” He lost dat.
Den de man says, “I tell you what I’ll do. I’ll play you a game for your life against all the money.”
Jack lost again. So the man he says, “My name is the devil. My home is across the Atlantic ocean. If you gets there before this sun rises and goes down again I’ll save your life. If not, you’ll have to die.”
Jack was down by de road crying and a ole mast ast him, “What you crying for?”
Jack says, “I played five-up wid de devil and he have won my life. He’s gone back across the Atlantic Ocean. He told me if I’m not there before the sun rises and goes down again he’s bound to take my life. I don’t see no chance of getting there.”
Old man says, “Youse in a pretty bad fix, all right. There’s only one thing can cross de ocean in twelve hours. That’s a bald eagle. She comes here every morning and dips herself in de ocean and walks out and plucks off her dead feathers. Now you be here tomorrow morning with a bull yearling; when she get through plucking her feathers she’ll be ready to go. You mount her back wid dis bull yearling and every time she hollers, you put a piece of meat in her mouf and she’ll carry you straight across de ocean by nine o’clock.”
Jack was there de nex’ morning wid de bull yearling and saw de eagle when she dipped herself in de ocean and come out on shore to pick off her dead feathers. She dipped herself the second time and shook herself. When she rocked herself and made ready to mount the sky, Jack mounted her back wid his yearling.
After while she hollered, “Hah-ah! one quarter cross de ocean. I don’t see nothing but blue water.” Jack tore off one de hams of dat yearling and stuck it in her mouf and she flew on.
After a while, “Hah-ah! half way cross de ocean—don’t see nothing but blue water
, hah!” He give her de hind quarters and she flew on.
After while, “Hah-ah! mighty nigh cross de ocean—don’t see nothing but blue water, Hah!” He give her de rest and pretty soon she landed. Jack hopped off and met an old black man with red eyes and ast him if he know where de devil live at. He told him, “Yeah, he live in de first little house down de road.”
He knocked on de door and de devil opened it. “Well, you made it, didn’t you? Come in and have breakfast with me.”
After breakfast he says to Jack. “I got a lil job for you to do and if you do it, you can have my youngest daughter; but if you fail I’ll hafta take yo’ life. I got seventy-five acres of new ground—never a bush cut on it. Every bush, every tree, every stump got to be cut and piled up and burnt before twelve o’clock.”
Jack went on down there and went to work; then he begin to cry and de devil’s youngest daughter come down wid his breakfast. She says, “Whut’s de matter, Jack?”
“Your father gimme a hard task. I can’t clean all dis off by twelve o’clock.”
“Eat yo’ breakfast, Jack, and lay yo’ head in my lap and go to sleep.”
Jack done so, and when he woke up every bush, every tree, every stump was cut and piled up and burnt. So Jack went on back to de house.
“I got one more little hard task for you to do. If you do, you kin have my daughter; if you don’t, I’ll hafta take yo’ life. I got a well three thousand feet deep—I want every drop of water dipped out and bring me whut you find on the bottom.”
Jack went to dipping the water out de well, but it run in faster then he could dip it out; so he set down and went to crying. Here come de devil’s daughter and ast him, “Whut’s de matter, Jack?”
“Your father have give me another hard task. I can’t do this work.”
“Lay down and put your head in my lap and go to sleep.”
Jack done so and after while she woke him up and hand him a ring and tole him: “Heah, take dis to papa. That’s whut he want. Mama was walking out here de other day and lost her ring.”
Devil says, “I got one more task for you to do and you kin have my youngest daughter. If you don’t, I’ll hafta take your life.” De devil had some coconut palms three hundred fifty feet high. He tole Jack, “You kill these two geeses and go up dat palm tree and pick ’em and bring me back every feather.”
Jack took de geeses and went on up de tree and de wind was blowing so strong he couldn’t hardly stay up there. Jack started to cry. Pretty soon here come de devil’s daughter. “Whut’s de matter, Jack?”
“Your father have give me too hard a task. I can’t do it.”
“Just lay your head in my lap and go to sleep.”
Jack done so and she caught the feathers that had got away from Jack and when he woke up she hand him every feather and de geese and says: Heah, take ’em to papa and let’s get married.”
So de devil give them a house to start housekeeping in.
That night the girl woke up and says: “Jack, father is coming after us. He’s got two horses out in the barn and a bull. You hitch up de horses and turn their heads to us.”
He hitched up de horses and she got in and off they went. De devil misses ’em and run to git his horses. He seen they was gone, so he hitched up his bull. De horses could leap one thousand miles at every jump and de bull could jump five hundred. Jack was whipping up dem horses but de devil was coming fast behind them and de horses could hear his voice one thousand miles away. One of ’em was named Hallowed-Be-Thy-Name and the other one Thy-Kingdom-Come.
De devil would call, “Oh, Hallowed-Be-Thy-Name, Thy-Kingdom-Come! don’t you hear your Master calling you? Jump Bull, jump five hundred miles.” Every time he’d holler de horses would fall to their knees and de bull would gain on ’em.
De girl says, “Jack, get out de buggy and drag your heel nine steps backward and throw dirt over your left shoulder and git back in and let’s go.”
They did this three times before de horses got so far off they couldn’t hear their master’s voice. After dat they went so fast they got clean away. De devil kept right on coming and so he passed an old man and ast: “Did you see a girl black as coal, with eyes of fire, wid a young man in a buckboa’d?” He tole him yeah. “Where did you hear ’em say they were going?”
“On de mountain.”
“I know ’tain’t no use now, I can’t ketch ’em. (Chant) Turn, bull, turn clean around, turn bull, turn clean around.”
De bull turnt so short till he throwed de devil out and kilt him and broke his own neck.”
That’s why they say, “Jack beat the devil.”
—JERRY BENNETT.
The Woman and the Devil†
There was one man and his wife who always lived lovin’. They never had fussed since they had been married. Devil didn’t like dat so he decided to break ’em up. He tried and tried, but he was about to give up one day when he stopped a woman’s house to get a drink of water. So she ast him why he looked so downhearted and he tole her he been trying to break up a couple for two years and they just wouldn’t fuss.
So she says, “If you will gimme a new pair shoes, I betcher I kin git ’em to fussin’ and quarrelin’.”
So he tole her he would. So she quit whut she was doin’ and went on over to de couple’s house. De woman was sweepin’ and singin’. De woman says, “You so happy, I’m sorry I come.”
“How come? Don’t you like to see folks happy?”
“Yes, thass how come I wish I hadn’t come here. Youse too good a woman to have such a deceitful man. I ain’t goin’ tuh tell you whut he done, so don’t ast me.”
De woman says, “Nobody can’t make me b’lieve my husband ain’t right. Not even de devil hisself couldn’t break us up.”
“Oh, I ain’t trying, thass how come I ain’t goin’ to tell you nothin’. But if you jus’ watch you’ll see for yourself. Nobody won’t have to tell you if you keep yo’ eyes open.”
Then she left de woman and went on down in de fiel’ where de man was plowin’. “Hello, brother, you sho is a smart man. That’s whut makes me sorry to see a man like you wid a woman that keeps secrets from him.”
“My wife ain’t got no secrets from me. Thass one thing we don’t do, is keep things from one ’nother.”
“Well, all I got to say is, long as a person don’t open up a box you can’t tell whut they got in it. You jus’ got to take they word for it. A secret wouldn’t be a secret if ever body knowed it. Don’t think I come to talk about nobody. I wouldn’t tell you nothin’, not even if you paid me. But if you keep yo’ eyes open an’ yo’ mouf shet and nobody won’t have to tell you nothin’.”
So she went on ’bout her business. Devil hung round where he could watch. De man come in and never said a word. De wife got busy wid de cookin’ and she never spoke. He took down de wash pan and started to washin’ his hands. She come snatched de towel out his hands and wiped her face with it. He set on de stoop and wouldn’t ast her wuz dinner ready. She took de broom and swept all over him and wouldn’t ast him to move.
He says, “Looka heah, ole nigger ’oman, whut de hell’s de matter wid you? If you wanta know, I kin knock some uh dat hell out you anytime you git too high.”
She up and tole ’im, “Looka here, Mr. Nappy-chin, I kin make out without you any day in the week. Gwan, hit me! I dare you!”
So they fought all over de house before they thought to git de thing straight. So de devil went on and give de woman de new pair of shoes.
—GENEVA WOODS.
Once I wuz travelin’ huntin’ uh job tuh work, and met uh man wid two horses. He ast me if I wanta work. I tole ’im, yes suh. He said, one of de horses was swift ez de wind and de other wuz a little bit swifter.
He tole me tuh go tuh his house and git his shotgun and one shell tuh kill enough birds to build uh bridge across de devil’s trussle (trestle). I didn’t do lak he tole me. I went an’ got uh whole handful uh shells. He tole me after I build dat bridge dat I could have his
daughter.
I went out dere and shot up one tree and all de birds flew out dat tree intuh another one. Went over and shot in de other tree, and by dat time the devil’s daughter come out dere where I wuz. She ast me couldn’t I kill ’em. I tole her naw.
She took de gun and shot and here come a bundle of birds fallin’ down and she took de toes fur de nails, and she took de thighs fuh de logs to cross de bridge, and she took de backs fur de boards (floors), so she bilt de bridge and she tole me: “Papa ain’t gointer let me go wid you.” She tole me, “When you come up dere tonight, when he snore so loud—he ain’t sleep. Wait till he breathes easy. Then, you ketch dem two horses,” says, “an’ we’ll go.”
She give me one-half uh banana, and tole me to put dat in my pocket. She give me one-half uh peanut, and tole me to put dat in my pocket. She give me uh egg, and tole me to put dat in my pocket. And so she tole me, “When we go to my grandma’s house, she got a lil fice (dog) and ef he kiss me, I won’t see you no mo’, and ef he kiss you, you won’t see me no mo’.”
He had an ole jumpin’ bull jump five thousand miles every time he jump. De horses wuz named Three Color and Changeable. Every time you say “Changeable” he be changing states dat quick.
So when we saw her daddy coming, she tole me to han’ her de egg. She throwed it crost her left shoulder and it made a great big river, and he had tuh go back home tuh git his blood hounds to drink up all de water so he could come on across.
Look back agin and saw him comin’ on his bull, and so she tole me tuh hand her dat half uh banana. She throwed dat crost her left shoulder, and dere come a great big banana field. She said, “Papa love bananas, an’ I know he’ll hafter stop and git some of those.”
He stopped and turnt roun’ and carried some bananas back to de house. While he was carrying those bananas back to de house, we dodged him. So we got dere and we stopped and went in, an’ so we wuz setten down talkin’ and de lil ole fice come dere to play with me, and I pat ’im on de head. When I know anything, he had done kiss me “bap” in de mouth, and I ain’t seen my gal no mo’.
Every Tongue Got to Confess Page 6
