The Jolly Regina

by Kara LaReau

  Jaundice and Kale gave Fatima and Peg each a hug good-bye. It was the first time they could remember giving a hug to anyone before, even each other; the experience would have been quite pleasant if the circumstances weren’t so tragic. Then Fatima lowered them down.

  “Good luck findin’ yer parents!” called Fatima and Peg.

  “Good luck staying alive!” shouted Jaundice and Kale.

  Immediately, they began rowing. And though they heard cannon fire and shouts from the crews of both ships for a good long time, neither of the Bland Sisters looked back. They hoped to honor their friends by upholding the second rule of pirating: No cryin’ on deck.

  aliases |'ālēəsəs| plural noun

  assumed or false identities

  Chapter Twenty-three

  Many hours had passed, and the Bland Sisters were still rowing, wordlessly and determinedly. It was Kale who finally broke the silence.

  “What’s that?” she said. She pointed to a strip of brown and gray on the horizon.

  “Don’t get distracted,” warned Jaundice. “We need to stay focused.”

  The Bland Sisters rowed quietly for another good ten minutes. The strip of brown and gray grew closer.

  “Um, it looks like land,” said Kale, squinting.

  “Dr. Snoote had a definition for this, I think,” Jaundice said, nearly out of breath.

  “I do miss him,” Kale said wistfully. “Even if he was old and musty, his definitions and sidebars were always so helpful. Like that bit with the compass—that was almost too clever, wasn’t it?”

  Though it was the right choice at the time, Kale was now experiencing serious regrets about abandoning her dictionary. She was at a loss without Dr. Snoote, her wordless yet wordful companion. It was as if, like Peg, she’d had a limb amputated.

  Jaundice ignored her sister; this was no time for regrets.

  “We think that’s a strip of land, but it’s called a mirage,” she said. “It’s a hallucination people often see when they’re tired, or under stress. And we’re both. Just ignore it and concentrate on rowing.”

  Kale looked at the horizon. Jaundice was almost always right.

  “We’re about to run aground,” Kale announced.

  And so they were. The Bland Sisters and their dinghy were now floating up to a length of sandy beach. With the last vestiges of their strength, Jaundice and Kale pulled the little boat up to the shore, fell face-first onto the sand, and promptly fell asleep.

  Hours later, they woke up to the sound of seagulls crying and waves lapping against the dinghy. Kale grabbed a handful of sand and let it trickle through her fingers.

  “I’m pretty sure this isn’t a mirage,” she said.

  Jaundice stood up. Something had caught her eye. It was a large piece of wood, propped on its side and covered with sand. She brushed off the sign and gasped when the words on it became legible.

  “We’re on Gilly Guns Island!” Jaundice exclaimed.

  “So we made it after all?” said Kale. “Talk about serendipity.”

  “We need to find our parents. They’ve been marooned here for a long time. Come on,” said Jaundice.

  “No thanks,” said Kale. “I’ll stay here.” She had already begun counting grains of sand and didn’t want to lose her place.

  Jaundice took her sister by the arm. “I’m not leaving you here, silly. You can count sand later, when we get back.”

  Kale sighed. She was enjoying counting sand, as it gave her the same feeling she had when she watched the grass grow at home. She felt peaceful, almost sleepy, as if she were not really thinking, or using her brain at all.

  The landscape was a bit rocky, so the Bland Sisters were slow-going in their exploration. They climbed to the top of what seemed to be the tallest outcropping and looked out. It was a sea of green: palm trees, vines, shrubs, and all sorts of exotic flowers, birds, and animals. A waterfall sparkled in the distance.

  “Well,” Jaundice said.

  “Isn’t that something?” added Kale.

  They had never seen so much vegetation before. Other than the grass they watched grow each day, the Bland Sisters had one plant in their house, a ficus, which dropped its leaves whenever one of the sisters happened to walk by.

  “All that green hurts my eyes,” said Kale. “I much prefer brown.”

  “Or gray,” said Jaundice, nodding.

  “Shall we continue on the rocks?” asked Kale.

  “Yes, let’s,” said Jaundice. The rocks were brown and gray, and therefore inviting.

  Several yards ahead, the Bland Sisters caught sight of a break in the outcroppings. They saw a large hole there, large enough for each sister to walk through.

  “I know what this is,” Jaundice said. “It’s a cave.”

  “Caves are supposed to be dark, and full of bats,” recalled Kale.

  “We have to go inside,” Jaundice said. “Our parents could be in there.”

  Jaundice walked a few steps forward before realizing that her sister wasn’t there. She turned around.

  “Aren’t you coming?” Jaundice asked.

  “I’d rather count sand,” said Kale.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t know that I even want to save them,” Kale said, kicking a rock. “After all, they left us alone for all these years. Then they gave us to pirates, which was almost fun, until we almost died. I don’t know much about parents, but I have a Feeling ours aren’t exemplary.”

  Jaundice put her hands on her hips. “We came all this way. Now you don’t want to find them?”

  Kale shrugged and kept kicking the rock.

  “They didn’t just leave us alone. They left us a nice house,” Jaundice reminded her sister. “They left us the mailbox, and arranged the sundries basket.”

  No response from Kale.

  “Well, I’m going in,” Jaundice said. “At least come along to keep me company.”

  Kale thought about this for a moment. “Fine,” she said finally, running to catch up with her sister. “But I’d still rather count sand.”

  The inside of the cave was not very deep, so the sun kept it from being very dark. Two boulders were set up almost like chairs, so the Bland Sisters sat down.

  “I bet they sat right here,” Jaundice said.

  “I bet they really like clams,” Kale said, kicking at the shells littering the floor.

  “Maybe that’s all they had to eat while they were sitting here,” Jaundice said, “waiting for us to rescue them.”

  “Well, even if they were here, they’re not anymore,” Kale said.

  “Maybe they’re hiding out somewhere else now,” Jaundice said. “Maybe they’re in the green part of the island, where all the trees are.”

  Kale rolled her eyes, then went back to kicking shells. If they were at home, she’d be looking forward to her afternoon cheese sandwich. Instead, she was looking forward to a foreseeable future of wandering through jungles and eating nothing but clams. Of course, Kale had never been in a jungle or eaten a clam, but neither sounded appealing.

  “Ow!” she exclaimed. Her foot kicked something larger than the other clamshells, and seemingly immovable.

  It was a shell. But this shell had no earthly business being among a pile of clams. This was a large, creamy-yellow conch shell, polished to gleaming perfection, half-buried in the sandy cave floor. Kale got down on her hands and knees and started digging.

  “What is it?” asked Jaundice.

  “A souvenir,” said Kale, dislodging the shell and brushing it off. “After everything we’ve been through, I’d at least like to bring home a nice memento. If we ever get home, that is.”

  It was really quite an impressive specimen. The illustration next to the definition of shell in Dr. Snoote’s dictionary had been that of a clam, so the conch struck Jaundice as quite extraordinary. Particularly the tongue.

  “The tongue is quite extraordinary,” Jaundice remarked.

  “What tongue?” Kale asked.

  �
�There,” Jaundice said, pointing at the opening in the shell. “That thing that looks like a bit of folded-up paper.”

  In fact, it was a bit of folded-up paper, as Kale discovered after poking at it tentatively. She pulled it out and unfolded it. Her eyes grew wide as she started reading.

  “It’s a letter,” she said, looking at Jaundice. “For us.”

  Dear Darling Daughters, the letter began (with no small amount of alliteration),

  You have found our hiding place here, and this letter! Bravo, you two!

  In any case, apologies again, for leaving so abruptly all those years ago. As we’ve already told you in great detail, we thought we’d bid our past farewell when we’d assumed our aliases and settled into our modest life in Dullsville (and brought you both into the world). We were called back on what was supposed to be a brief errand—to rescue a colleague trapped in a shark cage—and on the return trip, we encountered some particularly nasty cannibals who wouldn’t say no to having us stay for dinner. And then, after an expedition to the North Pole, followed by a jaunt across the Siberian tundra, we found ourselves a bit tied up, so to speak. Blah blah blah—we’re sure we’re boring you with this needless recap, as you’ve already heard these stories in the letters we’ve been sending each month. (Don’t worry about not responding; we’ve moved around so much, we haven’t really had a fixed mailing address.)

  Of course, as we’ve been busy traveling the world, engaging in extraordinary pursuits as the zealous adventurers we are, we’ve missed you desperately, and we’ve been waiting for the day when you might be ready to join us—and that day has now come! Huzzah! ¡Hurra! Hourra! Alé! Heko!

  By now you’ve realized that we deliberately led Deadeye Delilah to you, as we wanted her to show you an authentic, rollicking, piratical time, which would lead you here—and ultimately, to us! We hope your journey on The Jolly Regina (which we are sure you found as enlightening and entertaining as we did) has whetted your appetite for more suspense and excitement. We’re sure you’re eager to join us in our pursuit of fantastic sights and new experiences!

  Looking forward to seeing you soon! A lifetime of adventure awaits!

  All our love,

  Mom and Dad

  P.S. We’ve arranged for your transport off the island—just blow into this shell three times!

  P.P.S. Before you leave the island, you should really explore the nature and wildlife preserve a bit—it’s quite a treasure! Just watch out for the tigers and the quicksand and the snakes! Have fun! XOXOXOXO

  The Bland Sisters sat on a rock in the cave and let all of this sink in.

  “So . . . our parents are adventurers? With aliases?” Jaundice said.

  “Does that mean our names are aliases, too?” asked Kale.

  “I hope not. I can’t imagine us being anything other than Bland,” said Jaundice.

  The sisters nodded. Nothing seemed truer.

  “They say they sent us letters,” Kale said. “What letters?”

  “You didn’t see any when you checked the mailbox?” Jaundice asked.

  “I thought you were checking the mailbox,” Kale said.

  “I thought you were,” said Jaundice.

  The Bland Sisters blinked at each other. All this time, all these years, their parents had been corresponding with them, and they never knew it. Kale reread the letter, her fingers tracing each word as she went along.

  “So all this was just their way of getting us out of the house?” she said.

  “Now that’s a plan,” Jaundice said, nodding. “Very clever. Not to mention effective.”

  “We could have been keelhauled,” Kale said. “Or spent the rest of our lives as indentured pirate servants.”

  “I suppose they’d consider that ‘enlightening and entertaining,’” said Jaundice.

  “So what do we do now?” asked Kale.

  Jaundice picked up the conch shell. “There’s only one thing to do,” she said. “Unless you like the idea of being marooned here.”

  Kale took the shell from her sister and blew into it three times. Her lung capacity wasn’t as impressive as Fatima’s, but it was surprisingly significant. After the noise dissipated, the Bland Sisters looked at each other.

  “Now, we wait,” Kale said, clasping her hands and putting them in her lap.

  “So I suppose you don’t care to explore the preserve?” Jaundice asked.

  “And behold all those flowers and plants and trees?” said Kale.

  “And beware the tigers and quicksand and snakes,” added Jaundice.

  “Um, not interested,” said Kale, going back to kicking shells.

  “No,” Jaundice said, joining her. “Me, neither.”

  materialistic |mə'ti(ə)rēə'listik| adjective

  a tendency to focus on material possessions, especially money

  Chapter Twenty-four

  An hour later, the Bland Sisters heard a noise outside the cave. It was the sound of a boat running aground. Jaundice and Kale peeked out the cave opening.

  “Yo-ho-ho!” bellowed a voice.

  It was Captain Ann, standing on the bow of a large white jolly boat. Inside the boat were several of her crew members, as well as two familiar faces: Fatima and Peg. When they saw the Bland Sisters step out of the cave, they leaped out of the boat and ran over to them.

  “Yer safe!” cried Fatima and Peg, giving each of the Bland Sisters a constricting hug.

  “You’re alive!” cried Jaundice and Kale. Neither could define the emotion they were experiencing, which felt like a combination of happiness and relief.

  “Fatima and I got sick of fightin’, especially since we were sinkin’ fast,” Peg explained. “So she grabbed Delilah and handed her over to Captain Ann, in exchange for a cease-fire.”

  “Now she’s in the brig of The Booty Myth,” Fatima said. “Lefty, too.”

  “And as a reward for turning over my sister, I’m giving these two newly appointed privateers their own ship,” Captain Ann said, clapping Fatima and Peg on the shoulder. “Most of the crew of the Regina will be joining them.”

  “They already elected Peg the captain,” Fatima said, puffing out her sizable chest. “And me the first mate. Imagine that?”

  “So, in a way, everything worked out,” Jaundice said.

  “Serendipity,” Kale said. “That’s what that is.”

  “Delilah violated the first rule of piratin’,” Captain Peg said. “Steadfast loyalty to yer ship and yer shipmates, above everythin’. She’d rather risk all our lives than surrenderin’ herself? Some captain she was.”

  “Plus, she was leadin’ us all on a wild goose chase, lookin’ for Cap’n Ann’s booty,” Fatima said.

  “Wait,” Kale said. “So there’s no treasure?”

  “There was,” Captain Ann explained. “But I had to give it up when I became a privateer, so I gave it to charity. Eventually, they used the money to create this nature and wildlife preserve.” She waved her arm to indicate the sign the Bland Sisters had uncovered.

  “So, in a way, the treasure really was on Gilly Guns Island,” Jaundice said.

  “And our parents were telling Delilah the truth about it,” Kale added. “She was probably just expecting to find a chest filled with doubloons.”

  “My sister has always been a bit materialistic,” Captain Ann said, picking a stray thread off her gold-embroidered jacket. “In any case, your parents enjoyed a good bit of exploring here before they called me for transportation off the island. Quite a pair, those two.”

  “Do you know where they went?” Kale asked.

  “I should know,” Captain Ann said. “I took them there. I have the directions they gave me back on the ship. Of course, they told me that whenever I found you, I should take you to them, or wherever in the world you’d like to go.”

  “So we can finally reunite with our parents,” said Jaundice. “And join them on their adventures.”

  “Or have our own adventures, anywhere in the world,” said Kale.


  “Ooh, ye can go to the mountains!” Fatima said. “Or to the desert! Or to the rain forest!”

  “Ye can go to Paris or Rome or London or Hong Kong,” said Peg. “Or Hollywood!”

  “Or you can stay awhile with me and sail the seven seas,” said Captain Ann. “I could always use an assistant or two.”

  The Bland Sisters whispered to each other for a few moments. Then they looked at their pirate friends.

  “We know exactly where we want to go,” Kale said, rubbing her hands together.

  “Right-o,” said Jaundice. “But on the way, we’d like to make a little stop. To pick up some treasure.”

  “Sounds good to me,” said Captain Ann. “Let’s weigh anchor, mateys!”

  anthropology |'anthrə'päləjē| noun

  the study of humankind

  Chapter Twenty-five

  And so, Captain Ann and her crew and Captain Peg and First Mate Fatima rowed the Bland Sisters back to The Booty Myth and helped them seek out an amazing treasure trove—of books, at the library in Port Innastorm.

  “I’ve never seen so many different-colored books before,” Kale whispered, after using Captain Peg’s key to unlock the door. It really was a grand display. Books were shelved floor to ceiling, just waiting to be read.

  “Biology, sociology, anthropology, zoology,” Jaundice said, reading off the signs marking each section. “Just about every ‘ology’ you could think of is here.”

  After a few more moments of exploring, the Bland Sisters came upon the same section simultaneously. It was marked REFERENCE.

  “Ooh,” said Kale.

  “Ahh,” said Jaundice.

  The shelves in the reference section contained encyclopedias and dictionaries of just about every language and culture known to man, or woman. Though the selection seemed overwhelming at first, it was not long before the Bland Sisters discovered one very familiar volume.

  “Dr. Nathaniel Snoote’s Illustrated Children’s Dictionary!” Kale exclaimed, embracing the book and twirling around. “Hello, old friend!”