Out of Practice

by Penny Parkes

  Dan took a calming sip of his coffee, before realising it was stone cold and grimacing. He tapped his pen on the desk and scrolled down the screen to double check. Yes, he was right. Karen had been in roughly twenty times in the last year – often requesting a different doctor and seemingly always with some new ailment or malady and never with any intention of following the advice she’d been given.

  ‘How have you been getting on with the walking programme? Has that helped with the swollen ankles at all? And you have been remembering to elevate them at night?’

  Karen shifted in her seat. ‘Well, obviously I do it when I can.’

  ‘And how often would that be?’

  ‘Once a week, maybe once a fortnight when I’m busy.’

  The silence hung in the room and Dan scrolled back further and saw Taffy’s own unique annotations. TEETH, he’d noted down, when Karen had come in about feeling tired. Again, obviously that had nothing to do with the extra six stones in weight she was lugging around everywhere she went. Tried Everything Else; Try Homeopathy. Dan sighed, making a mental note to thank Taffy later for foisting the alternative health brigade on him.

  ‘Well,’ said Dan diplomatically. ‘I’d like you to really give the low-sugar diet another go and try and do a bit more walking and then we’ll review in a month or so. You haven’t any other symptoms to speak of, no itching or rashes?’

  Karen shook her head, clearly disappointed not to have a little green piece of paper, after making the effort to come in to the doctor’s. She stood up, with considerable effort, and headed for the door.

  Dan’s eyes flickered to the clock, noticing that he was one patient in and already running late if he wanted to accompany Lance and Hattie to their appointment in Bath.

  ‘Oh there was just one other thing, Doctor,’ Karen said, hovering by the chair and looking embarrassed. ‘It’s been terribly painful having sex recently and my Gary says he might have felt a lump. Do you think that’s something I should be worried about?’

  A small vein in Dan’s forehead slowly pulsed and the calm expression on his face became a little more forced. Why did they always do this? Waste their appointed time talking about trivialities and save the big stuff for when their hands were on the doorknob. ‘Sit down, Karen,’ he said gently, deliberately turning away from the clock. ‘Now, tell me all about it.’

  Chapter 18

  It only took Holly a moment to realise that two clichés she’d routinely discounted were actually bang on the money – you never did hear anything good about yourself by eavesdropping and blood really was thicker than water.

  Holly shrank back against the wall outside Dan’s office and tried to stop her thoughts spiralling. She’d only stopped by at the end of the day to give Dan some local stats about male cancers and some promising research taking place in the States, that might, just might help Lance. Only minutes before, she’d imagined another sleepless night looming, worrying about Lance and Hattie and their baby. Now, it seemed she would have something a little closer to home preoccupying her thoughts into the wee small hours.

  Inside the office, Dan and Lizzie were locked in a heated argument, the edited highlights of which made Holly feel as though her chocolate muffin was about to make an encore appearance and eclipsed every other thought in her head.

  ‘For fuck’s sake, Lizzie! Just let it drop, will you. I can’t magically snap my fingers and be kicking up my heels without a care in the world. I’m getting counselling. I’m being a good little patient. You can’t just wish PTSD away, you know.’

  ‘But Dan – come on – you have to get yourself in a better place than this. You’re a wreck. Even if everyone else around here is too polite to comment, I’m not. You look like shit. You look distracted and edgy – not the most comforting look for a GP, I might add. You said you wanted Senior Partner more than anything. So, what happened to everything we talked about?’ said Lizzie, her voice rising in frustration.

  ‘Well you lied to me, didn’t you?’ he retorted.

  ‘White lies, Dan. White lies. And nobody got hurt did they? I said I’d find you moral support and she’s here. You said you needed to feel supported at work and I brought you Holly. People don’t come more supportive than Holly. Jesus Christ, you could be a murderer on death row and she’d find a way to hold your hand while she looked for the silver lining!’

  There was an extended pause and Holly had to fight every instinct in her body, which was flooding with adrenalin and strongly urging fight or flight. She felt completely unprepared and ill-equipped to cope with this. It was sheer strength of will that kept Holly rooted to the spot, trying to buy herself some thinking time. It wasn’t so much the acerbic words pouring out of Lizzie’s mouth that were so hurtful; it was the cutting tone of her voice that made Holly feel so used and abused. That, and the feeling of being completely blindsided by someone you counted as a friend – a best friend.

  Obviously Dan too had registered the scornful dismissal as he leapt to Holly’s defence. ‘Would you listen to yourself there, Lizzie? This is your best friend that you’re talking about. She’s uprooted her entire family to move here. She’s walked into a job that has fuck-all security – you know I couldn’t tell her what was going on here. But you could. And damn it all, Lizzie, you promised you would!’

  ‘Well if I had, she wouldn’t have come, now, would she?’ Lizzie shot back, a sullen vicious bite in her words that was normally reserved for the bottom of the third bottle of wine.

  For all that Lizzie said, Holly was no clueless Pollyanna. She could see the flaws in her nearest and dearest with perfect clarity – when she chose to. But she also knew that she herself wasn’t perfect and therefore made a conscious effort to cut everyone else some slack. She was only too aware that you never really knew what was going on behind closed doors.

  Truth be told, moving to Larkford had given Holly more insight into the reality of Lizzie’s world than she’d ever had before. Lizzie’s constant quest for perfection on every level was enough to make Holly feel tired just thinking about it. Working for a glossy magazine was one thing, but Lizzie seemed determined, driven even, to live the dream.

  Yes, Lizzie was beautiful, indulged and ambitious, but until now, Holly had never thought that made her a bad person. She questioned Lizzie’s priorities sometimes – didn’t all friends do that from time to time? – but she had never imagined such a chasm could develop between their moral viewpoints.

  Her own moral compass was swinging indignantly at this point: her wounded feelings yelping for an explanation or an apology and in shock from the ambush; but her fairer voice of reason was quietly and insistently pointing out that the sheer volume of Lizzie’s alcohol consumption of late, suggested all was not picture-perfect beneath the surface.

  Holly tried not to think of herself as an enabler, but she was also well aware that confronting Lizzie about her drinking would have only one possible outcome. End of friendship. So she’d held her tongue and bided her time. She could see now that had been a mistake. But Lizzie simply didn’t do criticism. More precisely, Lizzie couldn’t take criticism – she was more than happy to dish it out, though.

  Holly found herself straining to hear Dan’s reply, forced out as it was through gritted teeth. ‘You should have told her, Lizzie. You’ve put her and me in an impossible situation. George is off. Any idiot could tell you I’m not up to the job of running this place and then what? Did you think about what would happen to her for a minute?’

  ‘Of course I did, but forgive me if I put my own cousin’s needs first. You needed the new doctor to be on your side, yes? She is. You needed someone who’d fit right in, yes? She has. You needed someone pliable and people-pleasing and just a little bit needy? Ta da! I’d say you’re welcome, but I can’t help noticing that you’ve never once said thank you.’

  ‘Thank you for what? For misleading and manipulating your best friend for me? For promising you’d tell her how the ground really lies here before she accepted the job and th
en not saying a word? Of course, I love that you were looking out for me, but I never, ever would have wanted you to do it at this price.’

  Holly could hear Lizzie tapping her feet, as she always did when she was put on the spot. Perhaps, Holly wondered dispiritedly, the guilt was finally starting to kick in. Her own rage was now simmering on a slow heat, as she wrangled her emotions under control. She still felt poleaxed – almost as if this were a bad dream – but the bitter taste of betrayal, strangely metallic in her mouth, and the tiny crescents in her palms, where her nails had taken the butt of her restraint, were all too real.

  ‘Look, I don’t see what you’re getting so het up about. This is Holly we’re talking about. I was doing her a favour. Milo was chasing skirt – again – and she was schlepping away all hours at the hospital. This is an improvement for her! Best friend on tap, great colleagues, fab place to live. Okay, so she screwed it all up by bringing twat face with her, but still . . . Even with cheating husband in tow and no future job security, this has to be better than where she was before.’ Lizzie was clearly making an effort to win Dan around, as she changed gears and layered reason and compassion into her next words. ‘Surely you can see that, Dan? I really have done her a favour. And you honestly aren’t thinking straight if you think coming clean up front would have been the best approach. My cousin needed my help. You, Dan, needed my help. What was I going to do?’

  ‘Erm, had you considered honesty? You really can’t see it, can you?’ Dan said slowly, incredulously. ‘You’ve lied to me. You’ve lied to Holly. You’ve manipulated both of us.’

  Holly heard the screech of wood on polished flooring, as Dan pushed back his chair and stood up, but her mind was too distracted to translate. It was only when the door jerked open and they stood face to face, equally aghast, that Holly’s brain kicked in.

  ‘Evening, Dan,’ she managed calmly. ‘Evening, Lizzie. Isn’t there something you wanted to tell me?’

  There was an ugly pause as every person in the room wished they were somewhere else.

  Dan looked especially mortified. ‘Holly,’ he began, ‘I don’t know what to say . . .’

  Holly took a shuddering breath. ‘Then that makes two of us.’

  She watched him struggle to find a way to express himself, one hand firmly gripping the hair at the nape of his neck. So many half-heard conversations and snippets of information suddenly made so much more sense. Without the charisma and aura of professionalism, Dan simply looked like a broken man. It was hard to lay the blame entirely at his feet, when he clearly had so much else going on.

  Holly even knew that there was an element of truth in Lizzie’s hurtful words too. Moving to Larkford had been an improvement for her, a lifestyle choice. But was that really Lizzie’s call to make?

  Dan reached out and touched Holly’s shoulder, breaking her train of thought and making her jump. ‘Everything’s up in the air right now, Holly, but I need you to know, I’ve got your back. Whoever makes Senior Partner, there’s bound to be a reshuffle, but you have my support, for what it’s worth.’ He flashed Lizzie a look filled with anger and frustration. ‘And that is what Lizzie was supposed to tell you. We only hand out short-term contracts to all new employees, just to check that we get the fit right. But it does rather leave you vulnerable, Holly.’

  ‘So what happened to, it’s a mere formality, rolling terms . . . All the spiel trotted out at the interview? Was all of it bullshit?’ Holly demanded.

  ‘It was the party line. George wasn’t sure of his plans, we needed to stay flexible . . . But again, from my point of view, I stand by every word.’ He managed an uncomfortable laugh. ‘I just need to make sure I get the job.’

  Holly looked at him, his right hand trembling and a sheen of sweat on his forehead. This conversation clearly wasn’t doing him any good and she almost felt sorry for him. After all, with him looking such a train wreck, what were the chances he would beat suave, sophisticated Henry Bruce or the wildly ambitious Julia Channing – no matter how many fluffy bunny under-layers she seemed to be hiding?

  ‘Dan. Go home,’ said Holly gently. ‘Have something to eat and go to bed. I’m not convinced this is really your battle. I’ll lock up.’

  Dan hesitated, looking from Lizzie to Holly as if evaluating whether it was safe to leave them alone together.

  ‘I really am truly sorry, Holly.’

  ‘I know,’ she said quietly. ‘Now go home.’

  It was some indicator of his state of mind that he did so without question.

  The minute the door closed behind him, Holly walked around and sat in his chair.

  Lizzie hadn’t moved, she was still sitting down with her feet propped up, a splayed open bag of Kettle Chips forming the basis of her impromptu get together with Dan. She didn’t look in the least bit remorseful.

  ‘So,’ said Holly. ‘I’m sure you’ve lots to tell me, so why don’t we start with the truth?’

  Lizzie rolled her eyes and Holly felt her pulse rate ratchet up another couple of notches. ‘Oh don’t be so melodramatic, Holly!’ Lizzie leaned forward and pushed the Kettle Chips across the desk.

  Holly felt like throwing them on the floor and grinding them into the carpet with her heel, the sour spasms of hurt only fanning the flames of her anger.

  ‘You know, I’m not sure it actually is melodramatic to discover you’ve been used as a pawn in someone else’s chess game. In fact, I think melodrama might be an under-reaction at this point – did you stop to think for a moment about me? The boys? Milo?’

  Lizzie batted Holly’s words away with her hand. ‘Like you really care how this affects Milo? You were down here like a shot, whether he wanted to or not.’

  Holly watched Lizzie talk as though she were a total stranger. All the pep talks about being the sole breadwinner and earning the right to choose were obviously part of Operation Gullible Fool.

  ‘Did you want me here at all, Lizzie?’ Holly asked quietly.

  Lizzie rolled her eyes again and Holly wanted to shake her. ‘Again with the drama – of course I wanted you here, you daft eejit. Would I have gone to all this trouble to find you a job if I didn’t?’

  ‘Is that all you’ve got to say? No apology? Nothing?’

  Lizzie shrugged. ‘You know I don’t do apologies. Let’s just put it behind us and move on. You know I’m right, Holls, you have to trust me on this one.’ Lizzie leaned back further in her chair, her body language that of someone who knows victory is assured.

  ‘But I don’t,’ Holly realised in that moment, ‘I don’t trust you. Not after this. And the worst thing is, that I’ve been replaying every conversation we’ve had since I got here and it’s all lies.’ Holly shook her head in disbelief. ‘Big fat lies!’

  ‘White lies,’ Lizzie immediately cut in.

  ‘Really?’ Holly asked, her voice dripping with an overwhelming current of disdain. ‘Was it a white lie when we had supper at your house and you feigned surprise that George was retiring? Was it a white lie when you pretended that Dan was “ just a bit tired”? Or maybe when you encouraged me to sign a twelve-month tenancy on my house, for the “security”?’

  ‘Oh Holly, where’s the harm? You’re here, I’m here, Dan’s getting some help – although it’s too little, too late in my opinion . . . You know, he’s really got to get his head in the game because Julia’s TV thing is looking really lucrative and . . .’

  Holly was out of her seat and halfway to the door, before Lizzie finally gave up.

  ‘Sit down and have a drink? Let’s have a proper girl’s night, yeah? I’ve got some gossip that will have you looking at your patients in a whole new light.’

  Holly stopped, suddenly realising what she’d always chosen to ignore. Her friend was a gossip. Quite a malicious cruel gossip, by all accounts. It was something that was easy to ignore while bathed in the light of her friendship and patronage – but now Holly had experienced a small taste of life on the other side of Lizzie’s sharp tongue.

  ‘Y
ou may be my oldest friend, Lizzie, but you haven’t been a very good one, have you? Startling lack of apology aside, along with your complete lack of awareness that you have done Anything Wrong.’ Holly’s voice had started so calmly, but was now rising to a crescendo. ‘I’m not sure I actually like you very much. And from how you were talking about me just now, I’m not convinced that you like me very much either.’

  Lizzie didn’t say a word. So accustomed to having Holly fall into line, she had obviously assumed that today would be the same. ‘You don’t mean that,’ she eventually said defiantly.

  ‘You know,’ said Holly, ‘despite being – now what was it? – “pliable, people-pleasing and just a little bit needy”, I do know my own mind. And right now, with friends like you, who needs enemies. I think you’d better leave, so I can lock up.’

  As Holly went through the motions of bath and bedtime with the twins that evening, she struggled to hold herself together. She could try and talk to Milo about it, of course, but then she’d have to tell him the full story.

  Besides, she didn’t actually need to have the conversation to know what he’d say. He thought that Lizzie was a complete narcissist and always had done. The irony was not lost on Holly that Lizzie believed Milo guilty of exactly the same thing.

  In this scenario, Milo would tell her to walk away. His scathing comments about Lizzie were often trotted out, particularly on those occasions when Holly needed reassurance after a sarcastic dig or unfeeling jibe made her feel fragile. He could just never understand why she always went back for more.

  As she snuggled down under the Fireman Sam duvet cover to read Going On A Bear Hunt for the umpteenth time, Holly revelled in the warmth and security of that moment. Right now, these two boys felt like the only honest thing in her life.

  Somehow, she realised, she had managed to populate her adult world with self-involved, self-admiring egotists. What on earth did that say about her own mental health? Was she really not worthy of the leading role in her own life story?