A Chancer

by Kelman, James

  There’s a boozer down the street, said Tammas. Nick out for a pint; that’s what I’ve just done. They’ve got an off-sales as well.

  An off sales . . . mm, aye. Uncle Gus nodded. Seems a bit out of order but: bringing a carry out to a wedding! Still, a bottle of bloody sherry’ll no go very far.

  Biblethumpers, muttered Mr McCorquodale, appearing suddenly. What else d’you expect?

  Hey Boab, he’s saying there’s a boozer just down the street a bit.

  Good. Mr McCorquodale glanced at Tammas: Son, d’you know what a biblethumper is?

  Sssshh Boab . . .

  And by the bye, you should have been getting things organised, no skipping out for pints. Mr McCorquodale poured himself a sherry then topped up Uncle Gus’s tumbler.

  Tammas nodded.

  And did you just forget it or what? the speech . . . Mr McCorquodale was returning the bottle to the display cabinet.

  I didnt really have it worked out properly.

  Ah well you should have shouldnt you.

  Leave the boy alone, said Uncle Gus, I’ve done the same myself.

  Have you? When was that?

  Och! Uncle Gus shook his head, pursed his lips and drank some sherry. Plenty of times.

  Plenty of times?

  Och aye, Christ.

  Hh! Mind you . . . Mr McCorquodale smiled, It probably saved us getting a bloody sermon, if the speeches had all carried on.

  Tammas glanced at him: Did they no?

  Naw. Ended up everybody thought they were just to start eating! Mr McCorquodale shook his head.

  It’s no your fault, said Uncle Gus.

  Whose fault is it then? Mr McCorquodale asked.

  No his anyway, one of them could’ve said something.

  Aw aye, I see.

  Well they bloody could’ve. Uncle Gus frowned and swallowed his sherry in a gulp.

  Cheers to you too, said Mr McCorquodale and did likewise then reached for the bottle again. It’s hell of a sweet this stuff isnt it? Effing syrup it tastes like!

  Ssh.

  Sssh yourself. Mr McCorquodale topped up his tumbler and then he glanced at Tammas and offered him one.

  Naw no thanks.

  Wise man.

  Tammas smiled; he brought out his cigarettes, but paused: along at the group where Rab and Rena were, Julie was standing to the side and looking down towards him. She raised her left hand and touched herself at the back of the neck, seeming to smile at something one of the group was saying. Then she looked back along at Tammas again.

  He’s no listening to you, said Mr McCorquodale, he’s watching that wee lassie.

  I dont blame him.

  Ah well it’s better than watching you right enough I’ll give him that.

  Tammas sniffed, he cleared his throat and opened the cigarette packet.

  I’m saying is there any jobs on the horizon son . . . ? Uncle Gus smiled.

  Eh naw, no really, I’m thinking of maybe going away.

  Going away?

  I’m no sure.

  What’re you fed up?

  Aye, a bit.

  Mr McCorquodale was nodding. If you ask me you were a wee bit previous jumping on the broo when you did.

  Probably.

  Probably!

  Aw Boab give the boy a break!

  Mr McCorquodale pursed his lips and winked at Tammas: I’ve to give you a break!

  Tammas smiled.

  Well you’re picking on him.

  I’m no picking on him.

  You are.

  Tch, Christ. Mr McCorquodale shook his head. Am I picking on you Tammas?

  Tammas smiled. Actually, he said, I better go . . . He turned from them and stepped towards the doorway.

  Julie was coming in the same direction. He paused to strike a match, lighted a cigarette, and followed the girl out into the lobby. She led him into the doorway of the end bedroom. Thank God, he said, getting me away from Rab’s auld man!

  Julie nodded.

  Naw, I’m no kidding ye!

  It’s cause Rab told me to. Did you no notice the time? I was trying to tell you when we were in there – it’s half six.

  O Christ that’s right, the taxi.

  You’ve to get it as soon as you can. As soon as the coast’s clear they want to skip away.

  As soon as the coast’s clear?

  Aye.

  What d’you mean?

  Pardon?

  What coast you talking about?

  Julie breathed in deeply and frowned, and Tammas grinned. She turned her head from him . . . You were supposed to toast me you know. I waited all week for it.

  I’m sorry.

  Mrs McCorquodale says she’s going to give you a doing.

  Hh.

  She is . . . Julie continued to look away from him. She was holding a slice of currant cake in her hand and she broke a piece of it off and put it in her mouth.

  Tammas nodded.

  But it was nice what you said about Rena.

  I should’ve said it to you as well.

  Tch, I wasnt meaning that.

  Naw but . . . he shrugged. I’m sorry.

  It doesnt matter. I wasnt meaning that.

  Aye but that’s some dress you’re wearing; it’ll look really great in the photographs.

  Tch . . . Julie shook her head, still looking away from him.

  Honest, I’m no kidding ye.

  Tch. She shook her head again and began walking off.

  Naw, he said and he whispered after her: I mean it Julie.

  He waited until she had returned into the main room then walked down the lobby.

  There was a telephone in the house but it was situated across from the bathroom and a crowd of kids and some adults were standing about. He continued on and out, shutting the front door behind himself, and he checked his cash while crossing the street to the pub. He had enough for one more pint and after he had made the phone call he stood by the exit, drinking it, peering out the door every so often. When the taxi arrived he raced over and told the man to wait a minute.

  Rab’s young brother, Alec, was waiting for him back in the house and he led him straight into a bedroom where Rena sat on the bed. With her were Betty and a couple of other girls. She now had on her ordinary clothes and the white wedding outfit was on a hangar, hanging from the top of a wardrobe door. Thank goodness, she said and laughed briefly. Is everything okay?

  Aye, great, the taxi’s down there.

  Rena was onto her feet and bending to drag out a suitcase from below the bed. Moments later the door opened and in came Rab and he was in his ordinary clothes now as well; and behind him Billy and John, both grinning and holding plates of salad. Then Julie appeared, still dressed in the best maid’s outfit.

  Rab said, Naw, naw, it’ll no do, there’s too many of you; they’ll twig something’s up ben the room. Come on now . . . He glanced at Billy. Eh man?

  Billy grinned and backed off. John edged out in front of him, also grinning. Rab was glancing at Betty and the other two girls: Eh? D’you mind?

  And when they had gone he said to his young brother: You as well.

  Aw Rab.

  Naw, come on!

  Let him stay, said Rena.

  Naw.

  Yes.

  He’ll be seeing us next week when he comes down to England.

  Rab! Rena smiled and she shook her head.

  Okay okay but it means the likes of my auld man’ll know because we’re all missing at the same time.

  It doesnt.

  Okay, okay.

  Alec said, He’s bloody terrible so he is Rena, he’s always like this.

  Shut up, muttered Rab, we’ve got no time for any carry on – eh Tammas?

  Tammas nodded; he stepped to the door and clicked it open, peered outside.

  It was arranged that Alec went first and stood guard by the front door. Next out was Rab, followed by Julie, and Rena, and Tammas was coming last, with both the suitcases. And he waited until the front door had c
losed behind Rena before leaving the bedroom. But Mrs McCorquodale appeared from the kitchen. Her face was red and she whispered, Tammas.

  Eh . . .

  It’s alright son I know what’s going on. She stuffed money into the top pocket of his jacket . . . Just take it now cause you’re doing fine you’re doing fine.

  Mrs McCorquodale . . . he began.

  Naw son you’re doing fine, away you go, come on. She waved her fist at Alex who was laughing at them from the landing outside, holding the door ajar.

  Tammas nodded, he strode down the lobby and out, kicking the door shut behind himself.

  Down on the street the driver was standing by the passenger entrance of the taxi, a cigarette poking from the corner of his mouth and he came forwards to grab the two suitcases, and slide them in next to Rab and Rena’s feet. Alec and Julie were shaking hands and exchanging kisses with the two of them and the driver was now slamming shut his door and starting the engine and glancing over his shoulder. Tammas moved to the window and shook hands with Rab and kissed Rena. Good luck to yous, he said.

  Rena laughed.

  It was a great wedding, he said.

  Worst fucking speech I’ve ever heard! cried Rab.

  From behind Alec shouted: I’m telling mammy you swore!

  Punch him on the mouth for me Tammas!

  Okay.

  And thanks, cried Rena, reaching her hand out to him.

  Tammas laughed.

  O God! cried Julie.

  And the taxi was moving off from the kerb. And loud cheering coming from the upstairs windows of the building. John’s head could be seen and also Rena’s mother staring down. And then a clattering of feet and folk emerging from the close and chasing after the taxi, a couple of them tossing confetti. The taxi slowed to do a u-turn and the cheering was loud once more as it trundled past them all, with Rab and Rena’s faces at the window, laughing at everybody. Some of the guests started trotting behind it, waving and shouting Good luck and All the best. Tammas went with them and then Julie was beside him and they laughed at each other, and he paused to encircle her waist with his right arm, and squeezed her, half lifting her from the ground. Ahh! The breath came from her in a gasp and he let her go. She continued waving but was breathing quite harshly, now holding her waist with her hand. Christ, he said, sorry Julie . . . He shook his head, gazing after the taxi; it was nearing the end of the street, turning, out of sight. Sorry, he said.

  You just caught a muscle I think . . . She peered down at her waist, rubbing it.

  I’m really sorry.

  The other guests and relatives were returning into the close now and he waited a moment before sticking his hands into his trouser pockets and strolling after her. There were still faces to be seen at the upstairs window, and also at other windows in the tenement building. He walked to stand near Billy and Alec. Julie was speaking to a girl who looked as though she was not one of the actual wedding guests, and there were others – mainly elderly women – who were standing looking on. A boy said to Tammas: Hey mister was there a scramble?

  Tammas did not reply. Billy was saying, You going up the stair?

  Aye in a minute . . . He nodded in the direction of Julie.

  O aye . . . Billy sniffed. I’m wanting to see you but man, it’s about the factory and that.

  Tammas nodded. I’ll be up in a minute.

  My da’s getting the forms, if you’re still interested.

  Aye. Christ.

  I’ll see you when you come up then . . . Billy turned and walked after Alec who had already gone into the close.

  Eventually Julie came, accompanied by some wee kids who were staring at her dress.

  Tammas asked, You going up the stair?

  Going up the stair . . . ?

  He shrugged.

  Are you no?

  Julie frowned.

  Eh . . .

  They’ll be starting the records for dancing.

  He nodded, offered her a cigarette.

  I dont smoke.

  O aye, sorry. He sniffed and went on: Listen Julie I’m sorry and that I mean lifting you like that, hurting you, it was really stupid – I didnt mean it I mean Christ, if I hurt you. He shook his head.

  Dont be daft, you just caught a muscle.

  Naw but . . .

  It’s alright. She smiled. They’ll be expecting us up the stair.

  Aye . . . He took out his matches, struck one and waited a moment before taking a light; he blew out smoke.

  Julie moved slightly in the direction of the close. The kids were still there and a couple were standing in front of her. She scowled at them: Away yous go and stop being so nosey!

  But they continued to stand there, giggling, until Tammas suddenly leapt at them making them jump and they shrieked laughter and rushed along to the next close.

  Julie was staring in the opposite direction. I was looking forward to the dancing . . . I was, I was looking forward to it.

  Were you?

  Yes. She made a shivering sound.

  Fair enough . . . They stared at each other for a brief period, both looking away at the same time.

  Betty thingwi’s got a face down to the floor.

  What d’you say?

  Julie was gazing back down the street as she replied, She’s got a face down to the floor.

  What d’you mean?

  You know fine well.

  He shrugged, smiled very slightly. The silence continued for perhaps as much as half a minute. Then he added, I’m not going with her you know.

  Mmhh.

  I’m no . . . He puffed on the cigarette.

  She nodded, she was biting on the corner of her lower lip; now she crossed her elbows over her breasts, her hands gripped the sides of her arms, just below the shoulders. She shivered. She said, I think we should go up the stair. Eh, you coming up? It’s really freezing.

  He nodded but made no other movement.

  Eh Tammas?

  What about a pint first? he jerked his thumb in the pub’s direction. No a bad lounge. Fancy going over for a minute?

  Tch! I’m no going into a pub like this!

  You look fine. Honest I mean . . .

  Julie paused before saying, You dont go into pubs dressed like this but.

  It’s a lounge.

  Doesnt matter.

  It’s quiet; it’s really quiet.

  Julie stared down the street without replying.

  Could you no go up and get a coat?

  She glanced at the close mouth.

  Eh Julie?

  I dont know.

  Just for a pint, come on, I’ll wait for you.

  She turned and said: What did you forget your speech for?

  I dont know, I just – I forgot.

  Julie shook her head.

  Honest.

  Tch.

  Tammas sighed. He smiled. Come on, come on we’ll go.

  I’ll need to change first.

  I’ll wait for you here.

  She nodded quickly and walked into the close, and kept walking along, to the foot of the staircase, where she glanced back over her shoulder. Tammas pointed to where he was standing inside the entrance and whispered loudly: I’ll just be here.

  About ten minutes later the door on the first storey opened and footsteps down, but it was Alec who appeared. He stolled out with his hands in his trouser pockets. She told me to tell you no to wait Tammas. She says you’ve to come up the stair, she’ll see you in the house.

  Tammas nodded.

  You coming?

  Eh I’ll be up in a minute. I’ve got a splitting head. Hey, fancy a pint?

  Alec frowned. Whereabouts?

  Across the road.

  Aw naw man they’re too strict in there they’ll no serve me.

  You sure?

  Aye, fucking, they’re really strict man.

  Aw.

  A moment later Alec shrugged. Anyway, they’re about to stick the records on. All the Scottish stuff first but they’ll be dancing after th
at.

  Tammas nodded.

  It’ll be a good laugh.

  Aye. I’ll just have a quick pint.

  You’ll come up but?

  Aye, course.

  Okay. Billy was wondering where you were as well.

  I’ll just be a minute tell him.

  Okay.

  Tammas turned immediately, left the close, crossing in the direction of the pub, but he carried on walking beyond it. A taxi had pulled to a stop at the traffic lights; he rushed up to it and climbed in. The driver was waiting for him to speak. Sorry, he said, Shawfield, Shawfield jimmy.

  •••

  There had been a slight flurry of snow when they boarded the bus and now, as they alighted, it was coming down quite thickly and beginning to lie. He stepped from the platform first, turning to give Vi his hand; she was holding the wee girl. Along the pavement they walked carefully, the stonework slippery in places. At the close before the corner of her street Vi paused, sheltering while opening her handbag, taking a £5 note from the purse inside. Get us a couple of fish suppers from the chip shop, she said, it’ll save me having to cook.

  Sure?

  Vi grinned: I’ll race you as well. I bet you ten pence I’ve got Kirsty down before you get back!

  Ha ha!

  I bet you! she cried, and was already out the close and walking in a hurry.

  Watch you dont fall!

  But Vi continued on without glancing back the way and Tammas laughed and started running over the road towards the chip shop.

  By the time he arrived up the stairs Kirsty was in her pyjamas and sitting up in the cot with a picture book on her lap, eating a digestive biscuit. Vi had set out two mugs and was pouring the tea. Her back was to him but she could be heard chuckling. On top of the table were the salt, the vinegar and the tomato sauce, a teaplate of margarined bread.

  That bloody queue, he said.

  Ha ha.

  Naw but no kidding it was right out onto the pavement.

  Tch! He cant even admit he’s lost!

  Naw but no kidding! Tammas stepped quietly to her and kissed her on the side of the face. He placed the parcel of food on the table, and the change from the £5 on the mantelpiece.

  I hope my ten pence is there as well you!

  Tell you what, a double or clear.

  A double or clear?