With the Lights On

by Jackie Ashenden

‘You want to give me a fantasy?’ I murmured. ‘Isn’t that Honey’s line?’

  ‘No,’ she said patiently. ‘You know that I can want to fulfil a fantasy for you without it having anything to do with being an escort, right? People in relationships do it all the time without being paid for it.’

  There was the slightest thread of sarcasm in her voice, but I couldn’t see her face well enough to see the expression on it.

  I frowned. ‘I’ve offended you.’

  She let out a breath and then I felt my hand being taken and she drew it to her, letting my fingers trace her mouth and the curve in it. ‘No, you didn’t offend me. Feel my smile?’

  I could, and it was so soft and so warm. My chest felt tight at the easy, familiar way she’d taken my hand and let me touch her face with no awkwardness at all. As if she’d been doing that for me a hundred times.

  ‘Yes,’ I said roughly. ‘I feel it.’

  ‘There. I was teasing. But, seriously, this isn’t an escort thing. This is something I want to do for you, because...’ She paused. ‘Well, because you’re special to me too.’

  I stared into the pale blur that was her face, trying to see the darkness of her eyes, but they were lost to me. They would always be lost to me, and her smile too, regardless of my sight.

  It hit me then, hard, like the quarrel from a crossbow, that tonight was all I’d have of her. That tomorrow she would be gone and all I’d have left would be the memories we created tonight.

  It shouldn’t hurt. There shouldn’t be pain with that thought. So I ignored it, the way I ignored everything else.

  ‘Okay,’ I murmured. ‘But, you know, all the fantasies I’ve had have been about you specifically.’

  Her body shifted against mine, the scent of her filling my senses, making my breath catch. ‘Hmm, I like the sound of that. What are they?’

  I’d had them. Fuck, had I had them. ‘Me, in absolute control of you. Getting you to do whatever I want.’

  She gave a soft laugh. ‘That’s not unsurprising, Mr Control Freak.’

  I let my fingers drift from her mouth to grip her chin, holding her firmly. ‘No lights this time. I want you in the dark with me. I want you blind like me.’

  A shudder went through her; I could feel the vibration of it in my hand. I felt it, too, in the trembling of her hips against my thighs. A thread of pure heat poured through me and my cock hardened. I pressed her more firmly against the wall, gripping her chin, my free hand finding the beat of her pulse in the hollow of her throat, measuring it. It was fast and getting faster.

  ‘You like that?’ I asked softly. ‘Does it scare you to join me in the darkness?’

  ‘A little.’ Her voice was husky. ‘But I want to.’

  I stroked that fast little pulse, dragging my thumb over her soft mouth. ‘It’s not a fantasy if you’re not into it, Maggie.’

  ‘I know. But I like you being in control. It’s a relief.’

  ‘And the darkness part of it?’

  She was silent a moment. ‘I don’t much like blindfolds. I never have. But... I think it would be different with you.’

  The constriction in my chest became something deeper. She’d already given me her trust back there on the couch, and here I was essentially asking for it again.

  What about you? Do you trust her?

  Oh, yes, I certainly trusted her with my pleasure, no question. She’d already blown my mind on the couch and no doubt she’d blow it in my bed too.

  That’s not the kind of trust we’re talking about...

  I shoved away the thought, impatient now. Stepping away from the wall, I held out my hand to her, feeling her slim fingers entwine with mine. Then I turned and led the way to my bedroom.

  ‘You know where everything is in the apartment, don’t you?’ she murmured. ‘Exact locations, where everything is placed; distances.’

  ‘Yes. I’ve never had any problems navigating around the apartment.’

  We were in the hallway now, the ambient light dropping to zero for me as we moved out of the living area. It wasn’t hard to find my way around as the apartment was fairly contained.

  ‘You’re kind of amazing,’ she said, wonder tingeing the words. ‘You cooked dinner for me and I never even realised.’

  ‘That was the whole point.’

  ‘How do you not cut yourself? Or burn yourself? How do you know where everything is? How do you remember?’

  There was no judgement in her voice, only an intense curiosity, which was very much her. She’d often pepper me with questions during our meetings, especially if it concerned something she was interested in, and I’d never minded it then.

  I found, rather to my surprise, that I didn’t mind it now.

  ‘I had some support from some independent living people.’ I’d paid someone to teach me how to cook without sight. ‘And after that it was all practice.’ I glanced back at where I could sense her behind me and smiled. ‘I cut myself a lot.’

  ‘I can imagine.’ There was a warmth in her voice that wrapped around me, holding me tight.

  And I found myself going on. ‘During the day it’s not too bad, since I have my central vision. But I do find I rely on the map I have in my head of my apartment to get around, even when I can see. Sometimes it’s easier at night when I can’t see at all.’

  ‘I get that,’ she murmured. ‘What about when you go out?’

  ‘That’s a little more problematic.’ I could sense my bedroom doorway just ahead of me. ‘But I know my office as well as I know my apartment and I can get around it.’ I didn’t add that the crowded spaces of the city with lots of people were difficult. That going to bars and restaurants was even more so. I didn’t go out much any more. All the wining and dining of clients I left to Eli. My presence wasn’t necessary for that kind of bullshit anyway, and besides, I’d never been much of a party animal.

  You don’t go out these days at all.

  No, but that was my choice. I didn’t want the white cane or to be led around like a fucking sheep. And, as it was getting harder and harder to go without those things, I stayed in places that were familiar to me. Places where I was in control.

  ‘Do you go out anywhere else? Apart from the office, I mean?’ Another one of her innocent questions. But I was done.

  I pulled her into the bedroom, leading her to the bed, and didn’t reply. There were windows directly ahead of me—large ones that looked out onto a beautiful view of Central Park during the day. The view would be of blackness and streetlights now, but of course I couldn’t see it.

  ‘Stay where you are,’ I ordered, then stepped away, moving over to the dresser that stood against the opposite wall from the bed.

  She obeyed me, the room filling with the soft, quickened sounds of her breathing. I opened the drawer that held my T-shirts and pulled one out. Then I turned and came back to where she stood, moving behind her.

  Desire was rising inside me. I thought I’d got used to how badly I wanted her, but apparently not. The thought of having her in the darkness with me made me ache. Made my cock hard. Made the blood pump through my veins in a heedless rush.

  It was a private world, my blindness. It was my cross to bear and I didn’t want to share it with anyone else. Yet...the thought of her joining me in it made my hands shake.

  I hadn’t realised how badly I wanted that until now. Trusting me in the light was one thing, but trusting me in the dark, joining me in the dark, was another thing entirely.

  The scent of her skin rose around me, the warmth of her naked body almost but not quite touching mine. She was breathing faster, harder, now.

  ‘Are you ready?’ I asked softly.

  ‘Yes.’ There was no hesitation in her at all.

  I lifted the T-shirt and laid it gently over her eyes.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Magdalen

/>   I’D NEVER BEEN into blindfolds. I didn’t like how it meant I couldn’t see my client. It was a loss of control and, since every meeting I had with a client was about controlling it, that made me uncomfortable.

  It had never been a hard limit, though, just something I endured because I did like to give my clients whatever they needed.

  And I wanted to give Trajan this. The look on his face when he’d told me he wanted me in the darkness had conveyed everything I needed to know about how much this meant to him.

  So I’d prepared myself to endure it, and yet the moment the soft cotton covered my eyes, I felt my heart shudder and shift in my chest, the dragging ache of desire intensifying between my thighs.

  The cotton was soft and it smelled of him, and as it blocked out the light from the city beyond the windows I felt something inside me relax rather than tense, the way it normally did.

  Blackness closed all around me, but I could feel the heat of his powerful body behind me, grounding me. This was the difference that trust made, I realised. Because it was all about trust, wasn’t it? Me trusting him.

  And him trusting you.

  Yes, that was true. He might not think it himself but there was trust involved in this. He was trusting me with his private fantasy, trusting me to share his private world with him. And for such an intensely private man as Trajan to do that...

  A pulse of some deep, intense emotion swept through me.

  You aren’t falling. You’ve already fallen.

  His hands tightened the blindfold around my head and then moved to brush my shoulders before travelling down, stroking my sides lightly.

  ‘All okay?’ His voice was near my ear, a soft rumble of sound, his breath warm on my skin.

  ‘Yes.’ I touched the cotton covering my eyes. ‘I don’t normally like blindfolds but this is surprisingly okay.’

  ‘And you call me the control freak.’ His fingers made another glide down my sides and then up, soothing rather than inciting.

  ‘Is this what it’s like for you?’ I stared into the blackness in front of me. ‘At night? Just...black?’

  ‘Yes.’ Another soothing stroke, making me shudder. ‘Does it frighten you?’

  I swallowed, unable to give him anything else but the truth. ‘Yes.’

  ‘That’s normal. I was frightened too. My father’s an asshole, but he had one thing right: acknowledging a fear gives it power over you.’

  A little thrill went through me. Another piece of the puzzle that was him. ‘So, what—you just don’t acknowledge the things that frighten you?’

  ‘I don’t acknowledge their power,’ he corrected, his fingers pausing at my hips. ‘I don’t let being visually impaired stop me from doing anything I want. I have to adjust, of course, but I go on as normal. And that way I’m not at its mercy.’

  That sounded very much like him.

  I wanted to know more; the questions were tumbling around in my brain.

  But then he said, ‘Don’t fixate on what you can’t see. Focus on your other senses.’ His fingers began to trace patterns on my skin, light and delicate.

  It was very like something I would have said to one of my clients, and yet here, with him, with my eyes covered, it felt different.

  Everything felt different with him.

  I focused on his touch, on the slow drift of his fingers, my skin getting more and more sensitive. Heat prickled all over me as my awareness grew—of his tall, powerful presence behind me; of warmth and the scent of pine and salt.

  The circles he traced grew bigger, turning into spirals along my sides and hips, rippling outward over my stomach, then going higher and higher, curving along the undersides of my breasts.

  I shivered and leaned back against the hot wall of his body at my back.

  His touch was unbelievably gentle and reassuring, and yet somehow I found my heart beginning to pound, the nagging ache between my thighs becoming more demanding.

  The circling fingers moved to my breasts, tracing large circles that got smaller and smaller, narrowing in on my nipples that had now begun to throb. I couldn’t stop the gasp that escaped as he circled the tips of my breasts, around and around, oh, so lightly. I couldn’t stop the arch of my back, wanting more, wanting those teasing fingers to touch my nipples, pinch them, tug on them, intensify all the sensations.

  ‘Trajan...’ I murmured. ‘Please...’

  ‘Patience.’ His mouth drifted down the side of my neck, trailing light kisses to my shoulder. ‘You’re so impatient, sweetheart.’

  ‘I know, but...’ His hands moved again, down over my stomach, brushing down over the sensitive skin of my pussy, tracing circles there, making every word I’d been going to say vanish from head.

  ‘Relax.’ His breath was warm against my shoulder. ‘Let me handle it.’

  And then his arms were around me and I was being lifted and carried, and I barely had enough time to understand what was happening before I felt the softness of a mattress and sheets under me, and I realised he’d put me down on the bed.

  There was a moment or two when I heard the sound of a zipper and the rustle of fabric, then the mattress dipped and the warmth of his body was right next to mine, his hands on my shoulders pushing me firmly down on my back on the mattress.

  Excitement gathered in the pit of my stomach, my breathing getting faster and faster. I couldn’t see anything but darkness, yet I could sense him above me. He had one knee on either side of my hips—I could feel them pressing against me—and his hands were on either side of my head. He must be looking down at me, but I couldn’t understand why, because surely he couldn’t see me?

  ‘What are you doing?’ I asked breathlessly, reaching out to find him.

  ‘Keep still,’ he said, his voice full of authority. ‘Arms by your sides.’

  I obeyed, trembling with inexplicable excitement.

  He shifted and I felt his hands run down my sides again, checking me. ‘Good,’ he murmured. ‘As to what I’m doing, I want to get a sense of you. Smell your scent, feel your body beneath me. Listen to your breathing.’

  ‘Oh. Well, I...’ The words were cut off as a hot mouth covered my nipple, sucking strongly. I cried out, my fingers curling into the sheets beneath me, little points of light bursting in the darkness behind my blindfold.

  Then I felt warm, exploring fingers between my thighs, parting my sensitive flesh, stroking and caressing. Teasing and pressing.

  Sensations built, one after another, feeling more acute without sight, more intense.

  I couldn’t get a sense of where he was. My awareness had narrowed to his hands on my skin, his fingers moving inside me, his mouth on my breasts, neck, stomach and thighs. And then further, his tongue on my clit, his fingers moving in a relentless rhythm.

  The pleasure was acute and the orgasm hit with incredible swiftness, making me cry out, clawing at the sheets as it swept over me. His touch gentled to long, sweeping strokes down my body as the aftershocks pulsed through every nerve ending.

  I panted, my eyes closed, a little shocked by how quickly he’d made me come. And it was clear he wasn’t done yet, because his stroking hands stilled and then gripped me, handling me with calm strength as he turned me over onto my stomach.

  Then he began to stroke me again, his hands moving down my spine in long, luxurious caresses. I moaned with the simple pleasure of it, my muscles relaxing, the intensity of the first orgasm receding.

  ‘That feels amazing,’ I said croakily. ‘What about you?’

  ‘It feels amazing to me too.’ Warm amusement threaded through his beautiful voice.

  The pillow was cool beneath my forehead where the blindfold didn’t cover my skin. By this stage I’d stopped trying to see through it, or even just trying to see. It was easier to close my eyes and concentrate, as he’d told me to, on my other senses. Especially where he was touchin
g me. I felt as if I’d died and gone to heaven with his hands on me.

  ‘You know what I mean.’ I swallowed, my throat gone dry. ‘Don’t you want something for yourself?’

  ‘Oh, believe me, I’m getting everything I want.’ His hands drifted down my back to the curve of my butt, where he squeezed me. ‘And I’ll take it too.’ He squeezed again, slipping his fingers between my thighs from behind and stroking the slick folds of my pussy. ‘How does this feel?’

  I shuddered as he slipped a couple of fingers inside me. ‘Good. Oh... God...very good.’ My hips lifted against his hand, pleasure beginning to build again.

  He squeezed me again, his thumb sliding between my butt cheeks and pushing gently against the tight ring of muscle. ‘That okay?’

  I stiffened, my breath catching as a wave of heat blasted through me. ‘I...’ My breathing felt too fast, another wave of pleasure threatening to overwhelm me.

  ‘Well?’ He didn’t take his thumb away, but he didn’t push any harder.

  ‘Yes,’ I managed to force out. ‘I mean, it’s not my favourite, but...’

  ‘My intention was to do everything to you tonight, Maggie.’ There was a darker, rougher quality to his voice now, dangerous and seductive. ‘Everything. I want every part of you to be mine. Will you let me?’

  Anal sex had always been painful and unpleasant for me, but again, I never made it a hard limit because I hated to refuse my clients anything, especially if it was a special fantasy for them.

  ‘And to be clear,’ Trajan added. ‘I’m asking Maggie, not Honey.’

  Honey wouldn’t have thought twice, and the fact that I was doing so now only proved how far she was from me in this moment. But that was good. That was what I wanted.

  And I wanted to give him his fantasy too. If he’d made a blindfold okay, then maybe it would be different with this as well.

  ‘Okay,’ I said thickly. ‘Yes.’

  I felt him shift beside me, his fingers easing out of my pussy then back in again in a long, deep glide. At the same time, that thumb pressed harder, working its way inside me, making me groan into the pillow at the intrusion.