by London Casey
“It’s not what you want, is it?”
Alice sucked in a breath, swallowing her tears. “No… it’s not what I want at all… you’re going to have to save Aiden one more time, Lily…”
Chapter 36
(Broken Plate)
PRESENT DAY
(AIDEN)
“Give me a hug,” I said as I gripped Felix tight.
He hugged me back with some strength. “Bye, Aiden.”
Those two words did me in good. Hearing his sweet little voice was amazing. Hearing him say goodbye was a miracle. Hearing him say my name was a little twist of a knife, though. I wanted to hear the truth. I wanted to hear Dad.
“Did you need me to go with you?” I asked Alice.
“No,” she said. “No. It’s fine. Just a checkup. Doctors are amazed right now. It’s refreshing to leave the doctor’s office with a smile.”
I stood up. “Let me know if anything happens. Or if you need anything.”
“Thank you, Aiden,” Alice said.
She looked like she had more to say, but then she took Felix’s hand and they left.
I turned to face Lily but she wasn't smiling.
“What?” I asked.
“We should go somewhere and talk.”
“What? Why?”
“Aiden…”
“What’s wrong?” I asked. “Is it us? You? Me? Did Alice say something to you?”
I felt jittery and it wasn’t from the coffee. I had this sudden crushing sense of something wrong.
Lily pulled an envelope from her back pocket.
“What’s that?”
“The answer you wanted,” she said.
I looked back. I looked forward. “Alice couldn’t give it to me herself?”
Lily shrugged her shoulders. “I’m here, Aiden. No matter what, I’m here.”
I grabbed the envelope and opened it. I took out the single piece of paper. It was a bunch of gibberish data with the result at the bottom. Written in some scientific lingo, but I didn’t need to be some brainy scientist to know what it meant.
I looked at Lily.
She already had tears in her eyes.
She already knew.
I had the truth.
I wasn’t Felix’s father.
I felt like everything around me came to a grinding halt. The clanks of forks on plates and coffees mugs banging together from the kitchen sounded the gongs of church bells. The chatter from everyone in the diner sounded like a low, deep, slow growling noise. I heard my own heartbeat, slower than I expected, from my gut to my head, into my eyes.
I was suddenly broken.
I told myself nothing would change. Why would it change? Felix was still my boy. I was still going to raise him. I would always love him. Nothing would change.
Except everything suddenly changed.
I dropped the envelope to the table. I put my hand down and hit the side of a plate. It flipped up into the air and fell to the floor, smashing. I looked at the broken plate. Then I realized people were looking at me.
I snapped.
“What the fuck are you looking at?” I yelled at some guy.
“What?” he yelled back.
He pulled himself out of the booth and stood up.
“Jesus, no,” Lily said and got in front of me. She pushed at my chest. “Aiden. No.”
The guy waved his hands and then sat back down with the rest of his friends.
“It’s a broken plate,” I yelled. “You don’t have to fucking stare, asshole.”
Now all four of the people at the booth worked their way out.
Lily had a handful of my shirt and I walked her backward.
I was really going to take on four guys. I’d get my ass kicked, but whatever. It’d take the pain from the news out of my heart for a minute.
“Stop,” Lily said. She looked at the guys. “Stop. You don’t understand.”
“Keep his mouth shut,” one of them warned.
“Fuck you,” I said.
A bunch of people in the diner gasped.
I looked around and saw kids. Little kids. And there I was, cursing like a drunk fool.
I broke away from Lily and walked by the four guys waiting to take me on. They each took a shot at me but I ignored them. I hurried outside the diner, Lily hot on my heels. I turned right and went to the corner. I turned right again. I looked down the street. I could see everything so differently now. Slow. Torturous.
Fuck.
I was losing it.
No. Fuck that. I had already lost it.
I wasn’t Felix’s father.
That meant Alice knew who was. That meant some guy - some fucking guy - would get to step into the picture and be the fucking hero. A guy who wasn’t there at the beginning. A guy who didn’t rub Alice’s back when she threw up. He didn’t bear the brunt of Alice’s anger when her hormones went a little crazy. He didn’t watch Felix enter the world at twenty-five-fucking-weeks and look like a fucking science project for months in a hospital. He didn’t fucking live through what I did with Felix as he struggled day after day after fucking day.
“Aiden,” Lily said.
Her soft hands slid around the front of my body. She hugged me, her face at my back.
I let out a breath, my voice crackling.
I felt a tear escape from my right eye.
I wasn’t crying for Felix.
I wasn’t crying for me.
I wasn’t crying for Lily, either.
Wanna know what I was crying for?
Because in that moment… the only thing that could help me… was the one thing I swore I’d never touch again.
Simply put: I needed a fix - and I needed it fucking bad.
Chapter 37
(Fucking Famous, Fucking Rich)
15 YEARS AGO
(LILY)
He paced the apartment.
The apartment.
It was so fucking cool, you know? Aiden had his own apartment. It made him just so much hotter than he already was. There were so many guys his age that were in their parents’ basement, smoking weed, doing nothing. But Aiden was accomplishing things. His band was playing shows. They were getting ready to record another demo. He worked two jobs to make sure he could have his own apartment.
It was so awesome.
I spread my hands across the bedsheets. I licked my lips. I never thought I would actually wait as long as I did. Considering so many of my friends had given themselves up years ago. And a handful already had babies. I thought it was a combination of the babies and the pressure that almost made me afraid to do it.
But when I looked at Aiden…
He rubbed his chin, then stopped and leaned over the dresser. I heard the scratch of the pencil to the paper. Then he stood up. He tapped the pencil on the paper as he bobbed his head, singing whatever he had just written.
“Aiden,” I said.
“I gotta get this done,” he said. “New song. I want to debut it at the show. Just me and a guitar. I want to blow their fucking minds away. The crowd. The guys in the fucking band, too. They need to see what I’m capable of.”
I stood up.
I walked to him and grabbed his hand. I peeled the pencil out of his hand and put it on the dresser.
“Hey,” I said, touching his face. “You’re going to drive yourself crazy.”
“Yeah?”
“You’ve been pacing for an hour. Relax. It’ll be fine.”
“You don’t get it, Lily,” he said. “This is the gig. I can feel it. Things are going to change. And when this breaks, I’m going to be fucking famous, fucking rich, fucking everything I’ve ever wanted. I’m going to get us out of this town together. And we’re going to live easy and love wildly.”
“I like the sound of that,” I said.
“Speaking of that…” Aiden touched my face. “There’s one way I could relax.”
Aiden kissed me. I kissed him back. He quickly guided me to the bed. His hands were fast. His intentions as wild
as his kisses. My body wanted him so badly. Holding back anymore just seemed too stupid to do. There was no need for some special moment, time, place, whatever. It was okay to just go for it. To just enjoy it. After all, this was Aiden. The guy who had been the love of my life for five years already. And through those five years, he was honest with me. He loved me back. He took care of me in ways I never thought anyone could.
Aiden pulled back and I grabbed his shirt. “No.”
“What?”
“No. Don’t stop, Aiden.”
“Lily…” His hands touched my waist. “We’ve never...you’ve never…”
“I know.”
“I was just playing, Lily. You know how I feel about that. I’m never going to pressure you. I’m never going to hurt you, either. I don’t care about anyone else.”
I nodded.
There were so many women and girls who wanted Aiden. I honestly didn't know how he did it. How he had so many willing people wanting him and he didn’t bat an eye at them. They meant nothing to him. And that made my life a little crazy. I never had so many people hate me for no reason. Just because Aiden loved me and not them.
I kept my grip firm on Aiden’s shirt. I nodded.
“Lily…”
“Aiden. Don’t argue with me.”
I pulled at his shirt, wanting it off.
He took it off and dropped it off the bed.
My hands touched his hot, hard skin. I’d never touched another man or boy before so I had no comparison. But what I felt with Aiden and the way he made me feel, I never needed to compare. My toes were curled tight in my socks and shoes. My belly quivered and tingled with butterflies. He grinned and slowly slid his hand up my shirt. Always gentle and kind with me, knowing my limits and knowing what to do and how to do it. Everything else had been checked off our list except one thing.
My first time.
It wasn’t his first time, though. He made that clear to me. He kept that honest. There were times when we just couldn’t be together. Did it hurt? Of course. But I loved Aiden for always being there for me and always being honest. But now that we were together, really together, it was just me and him.
My hands moved down his body to the top of his jeans.
I was shaking. I was nervous.
He always made me nervous. But a really good kind of nervous.
As my fingers fumbled with his belt buckle, the bedroom door blasted open.
Aiden jumped off the bed, my shirt half up, my belly exposed.
The drummer for his band - Richie - stood there. “Oh, fuck. Were you two…?”
“What the hell do you want?” Aiden yelled.
“Don’t you lock your door?” I asked.
Richie dangled a key and winked at me.
“I want the key back,” Aiden said. “It was for emergencies.”
“This is an emergency,” Richie said.
“What now?”
“A guy named Jake is looking for us,” he said. “He’s some band manager. Heard about us. He knows we’re playing the show tonight, man. He’s going to be there. He wants to fucking meet up before the show. Shit, he might sign us. He’s got connections from L.A. to New York, bro. This is it.”
Aiden glanced back at me, grinning.
I pushed back from the bed and sat up.
“Fuck,” Aiden said. “So, what do we do?”
“We get our shit in order.”
“I have a new song,” he said. “Just me and a guitar. Maybe we can run it by the guys and get something basic to it.”
“I like it,” Richie said. “Let me get everyone together. Meet in the garage in an hour?”
Aiden looked back at me.
I smiled.
I had waited eighteen years for the big moment, I could wait even longer. No big deal. Not when it came to Aiden’s music. He was so good at it, too. He deserved the success. He didn’t need to live in this shithole town we grew up in. There was no way he’d get trapped in this place.
“An hour,” Aiden said. “Let me get the final touches on this thing.”
“You got it.”
Richie got to the bedroom door and then threw the key over his shoulder.
“I was kidding!” Aiden yelled.
Richie was gone.
“You gave him a key?” I asked.
“His old man kicked him out,” Aiden said. “They got into a fight. A legit fight. It was pretty bad.”
“Over music?”
“Drugs.”
“Drugs?” I asked.
“Richie’s old man wanted him to pack his drums with dope. Tape bags to the insides of the drums. To move product without getting caught. Richie told his father to fuck off. His father clocked him in the jaw. They tangled up. Richie showed up here bloody. I’d rather have an annoying roommate like Richie than a dead drummer.”
“I didn’t know that,” I whispered.
Aiden ran to the dresser. He scribbled with the pencil some more.
Then he jumped to the bed, bouncing me.
He hovered over me. “I’m sorry about that.”
I touched his face. His smooth, steel-cut jaw. I wondered what he’d look like with facial hair. Probably hotter. Aiden was the kind of guy who could do no wrong when it came to looks. Ever. He was just naturally sexy and it seemed a little unfair.
“It’s okay.”
“No. This is a big deal, Lily. A really big deal. And I want it to be special for you. I don’t just want it to be some random three-in-the-afternoon fuck, you know?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “You matter. As long as it’s you.”
“Oh, it’ll be me,” Aiden said.
“Go finish your song.”
“Can I play it for you?”
“Yeah,” I said without hesitation.
Aiden grabbed his guitar from the corner of the room. He sat on the edge of the bed. Still shirtless, mind you. His back to me. There wasn’t a sight sexier than that. In some weird way, I felt like all the messed-up things in my life had finally paid off. That was Aiden.
He strummed a chord and stopped.
“No. Fuck.”
He strummed another. Then another. He grabbed the piece of paper with the lyrics and put it next to him. He went back to strumming chords. It was kind of amazing to watch him piece a song together.
And that’s exactly what he did.
In a few minutes, it went from random chords to a song. Then he started to play single notes. Putting together a melody. Then back to playing chords. He started to sing, his voice carrying the notes he had just been playing on guitar.
Sitting lonely, only one, chasing a Friday night fight
Pushing hey, trying to say, wasting away another long night
Speaking now, forever how, I’ll be the one you need
Trying time, just be mine, your hand and heart, all we see
The streets I’ve search…the world I’ve faced…the love, lost, living in this place…
The hearts I’ve broke…the eyes that fade…the love, lost, living in this place…
Aiden kept going. I forgot to breathe. I just stared. I just listened. Soon he wasn’t even reading the lyrics. He was just writing the song as it came to him. I snapped back to reality and hurried to grab for the notebook on the nightstand. I started to jot down what he was singing, just in case he got lost in the song and missed some words.
Finally, Aiden looked back at me, singing the last line of the song over and over and over.
… the love, lost, living in this place…
His eyes devoured me.
… the love, lost, living in this place…
A little grin, making me fall even more in love with him.
… the love, lost, living in this place…
His voice, rough yet smooth, slowly quieting.
… the love, lost, living in this place…
His eyes then shutting. Losing himself to that final moment. Making that connection one last time.
… the love,
lost, living in this place…
The last chord strummed and Aiden hung his head for a second.
“Wow,” I said. “Aiden…”
He flipped the guitar out of his hand and stood up to leave the bedroom.
I hurried to follow, the notebook in my hand.
He stood at the kitchen sink, breathing hard.
“Aiden…it’s okay…”
“I don’t know what happened there,” he said.
I put the notebook on the counter. “I wrote down everything you sang.”
Aiden put his hand on the paper. Then he turned and grabbed me. I let out a little cry as he lifted me up and set me on the counter. He kissed me harder and faster than I had ever been kissed before. I’d never felt such a wild surge through my body, head to toe.
He held my face and pulled away.
“That’s another song for you,” he whispered to me. “Love, lost, living in this place. That’s us, Lily. Loving here. Being lost in this fucking town. And then living here. We’re going to get out of here and do it. I promise you.”
“I believe you, Aiden.”
“Fuck, sweetheart, I want you. I want you in the worst way.”
“I’m ready. I’m so ready, Aiden.”
“I know. Soon.” He kissed me again. “I’m going to run through that song a few more times and then I have to go. I want you to have Richie’s key. This is your place now. Stay the hell away from your fucked-up house, okay? Stay here. Be here.”
I smiled.
I couldn’t wait to rush home and pack a couple bags. Nobody would even notice me being gone, either. That was fine. I had a part-time job as a waitress and a second job at a dry cleaner. The hours and pay were shitty, but whatever. It was my money. I wouldn’t have to rely on anyone else. Except Aiden. And with him, it was different.
Aiden went back into the bedroom.
I heard the guitar. I heard his voice. I shut my eyes and let my heart race to the rhythm of the song.
It was perfect. Beautifully haunting. Beautifully perfect.
… the love, lost, living in this place…
To me, forever was just a heartbeat away.
In reality…Aiden was going to leave me…in the middle of the night…
