by London Casey
She was broken.
Felix was upstairs playing with his toys.
Everything was a gigantic mess. And I was the one who was supposed to hold it all together. Just like always. I was the strong one. The brave one. Yet on the inside I was fucking destroyed.
“Here,” Alice said as she came to the couch.
I was under a blanket, waking up from a much-needed nap. There were only so many times I could call and text Aiden. Calling the cops would do nothing because he wasn’t really missing. And I didn’t want him to get busted with drugs.
I took the coffee mug and stood up. I walked to the window and saw that it was pouring outside. I sort of hoped to just see Aiden standing there.
“This is my fault,” Alice said. “And I’m going to fix it.”
“It’s not your fault. He wanted to know the truth.”
“I should have done it better,” Alice said. “Not given you an envelope to give to him at a diner.”
I swallowed hard.
Truthfully, I was blaming myself. My judgment slipped when I handed him the envelope. What did I expect him to do? Cheer? Be relieved that he was off the hook with Felix?
I put my hand against the window. I caught myself tracing lines on the window. Following a few stray raindrops. Then I turned and started to drink the coffee. It was time to function. Time to wake the hell up and find Aiden. No matter what I ended up finding, he needed to know he still was everything to me.
I downed the coffee even though was a little too hot. I wiped the tears from my eyes. I put the mug in the sink.
“Well, you’re awake,” Alice said.
“I’m going to find him,” I said. “Fix this mess.”
“I wish I could help.”
“You stay with Felix. If Aiden comes here, you call me. I just wish I knew someone to talk to. Damn him for being so stubborn and always on his own. What about the meetings? He still goes?”
Alice nodded. Then her eyes lit up. “Shit. Lily. I know who to call.”
“You do?”
Alice slapped her forehead. “What is wrong with me? Why didn’t I think of it first? Big Mike.”
“Big Mike… yes…”
“Big Mike,” Alice said again. “He runs the groups. He took to Aiden. They’re close. We need to call Big Mike. He’ll know what to do. Where to look, how to handle it.”
I nodded, not telling her that I already knew who Big Mike was.
“Big Mike,” I said. “Okay. Great. Give me his number right now. He won’t mind if we call? Especially since it’s about Aiden, right?”
“He won’t mind. He lives to help everyone. Why didn’t I think of this sooner?”
Because you’re selfish. Because you’re too worried about chain-smoking and blaming yourself for the world’s problems. Because you’re feeling guilty that Aiden isn’t Felix’s father and because you spent two hours talking about how Felix’s father isn’t that great of a guy…
Then again… why hadn’t I thought it myself? My mind and heart were both so scattered.
“What matters is you thought of it now,” I said. “Please get me the number.”
Alice gave me Big Mike’s number and I made the most important phone call of my life.
“It’s always a slippery slope,” Big Mike said as he drove his long car through the streets of town. “It never ends. That’s the curse of it.”
I stared out the window as the town passed by.
Big Mike was, well, big. But he had the kind of personality that just sucked you right in. I felt like I’d known him all my life within just five minutes of meeting him. He met me at Alice’s and told me to get into his car. Then we were off. He went down some really dark alleys and bad places in town, but everyone he talked to respected him.
That also included me.
He was probably my last chance at getting to Aiden.
“You know that, girlie?” Big Mike asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“It never ends. It claws at you.”
“What do I do?”
“What you’re doing now. Aiden never had anyone to lean on. It was always about you. So, he got some shit news and I bet you he’s kicking himself for not getting to you first.”
“He was with me. Then he ran.”
“That’s the urge. Don’t sweat it, girlie. We’ll get him back to you. He’ll be fine.”
“What if…”
“A world of what if is a world that gets nothing done,” Big Mike said. He cut the wheel to the right. Then he said, “Worst case, we have a friend who is a cop. He’ll help us. Under the radar.”
I had nothing else to say.
Big Mike started to rattle off stories of all the people Aiden had helped. Through his words, when he rarely spoke to everyone. More through his actions. Always wanting to save people. That was a side of Aiden I hadn’t experienced all that much. Ever since we’d gotten back together he stopped going to meetings. Big Mike had called him and Aiden gave an excuse. One after another.
It made me wonder if I was the problem.
“Am I the reason?” I finally asked Big Mike. “If I send him into temptation…”
“Nah,” Big Mike said. “You save him. You’re the reason he’s who he is. Even this little stunt. It’s a mind thing. A feeling of weakness. Aiden doesn’t want to be weak. Ever. And in front of you, Lily? Not a chance.”
I nodded.
Big Mike made another turn.
Then I saw Aiden.
“There he is!” I yelled.
It was Aiden following a guy. From the road to a messy, grassy area.
“Shit,” Big Mike said. He slammed the car into a curb and threw it into park. “He’s going to buy! I gotta stop him! Stay here!”
Big Mike jumped out of the car.
I watched as Aiden put his hand into his pocket and took something out. Money. The other guy then made a quick swap. Big Mike barreled toward them. The other guy - the drug dealer - saw Big Mike and quickly took off.
Aiden didn’t move, though.
He just stood there.
My heart was in my throat.
Big Mike grabbed Aiden and spun him around. He grabbed for the drugs and got them out of Aiden’s hand. I had a sense of relief wash over me. But it was short-lived.
Big Mike wound up and punched Aiden in the face.
I got out of the car and started to run.
Aiden was on the ground.
Big Mike grabbed Aiden by his shirt and pulled him to his feet. He shook him, yelling right in his face.
“Stop!” I cried. “Stop! Don’t hurt him!”
Aiden’s eyes looked at me.
Then he smiled.
Blood in the corner of his mouth.
Big Mike looked back at me. “I told you to stay in the car, girlie!”
“You can’t hit him. Don’t hurt him.”
“I’m waking his ass up,” Big Mike said.
Aiden licked the corner of his mouth. Then he looked at Big Mike.
I could hear myself breathing, my heart pounding.
We waited for Aiden to say something.
“Well?” Big Mike growled. “You ain’t high. That’s good. You look hungover. And you just bought. Wasted money on that shit. What have you got to say now, Aiden?”
“You should really brush your teeth more,” Aiden said.
“What?” Big Mike asked.
“You’ve got some plaque collecting. That could really mess up your smile.”
“Motherfucker,” Big Mike said. He shoved Aiden back.
Big Mike turned and dropped his butt down on a bench that didn’t look like it could withstand Big Mike’s size. But it did.
I ran toward Aiden.
“I’m fine,” he said. He put a hand out. “I didn’t…”
I was pissed at Big Mike for hitting Aiden right up until I got close enough to him. The urge swept over me and next thing I knew, my hand was swinging through the air, smacking his face.
The sound
was loud. My hand instantly throbbed with pain.
I side-stepped to the left and let out a groan.
From the corner of my eye I saw Aiden just standing there. His cheek already turning bright red. I swore I could see my handprint, that’s how hard I hit him.
“I’m fine,” he said again.
“Fine?” I asked. “Do you know what you just did?”
“Brother, man, that ain’t good,” Big Mike called out. “You’ve got people that care.”
“I know,” he said. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry,” I said. “You disappeared, Aiden. You tried… you did buy…”
“I did,” Aiden said.
Big Mike stood back up. “Aiden, I’m going to ask you an honest question. Do you love this woman?”
“You know I do,” Aiden said. “You’ve known about her for years.”
“And the second I met her, I think I fell in love with her,” Big Mike said. “How does that make you feel?”
“Big Mike…”
“Because a woman like this is once in a lifetime.”
“And that’s why I’ve given her my lifetime,” Aiden said. He reached for my hand. “I didn’t want to hurt you again. I didn’t want you to carry what was going through my heart and my head. But then in the blink of an eye I’m following some guy and have cash in my hand. I don’t even remember it happening…” Aiden looked at Big Mike. “Honestly.”
“Old habits,” Big Mike said. “So, here’s what we do. You two call for a ride home. Lily, you’ve earned yourself a fine bottle of wine and an expensive dinner. At Aiden’s expense, of course. And Aiden, you better have your ass at the next meeting or else I’m sending Breck to come get you. Speaking of which, I’ll be hanging here and having Breck come to clean this mess up.”
Big Mike nodded to the drugs on the ground.
“Can you give us a minute?” Aiden asked.
“Sure,” Big Mike said. “I’ll just go back to my car. Catch my breath. Pray a little. I can’t lose you, Aiden. No way, man. You need to find your way through the bullshit in life.”
Aiden nodded. “I love you, Big Mike.”
“I love you, too, you asshole.”
“Big Mike,” I said.
I threw my arms around his huge shoulders.
“Aw, girlie,” Big Mike said.
“Thank you.”
“No, thank you. You’re tough. You’re a rock. Remember that. And Aiden is a great man.”
“I know,” I whispered.
I turned to face Aiden. He was sitting on the bench. He patted the seat next to him. I sat down and didn’t speak a word.
“All I could think about was someone else. The biggest threat in my life, Lily. Someone else. All those times I was gone away from you, it was someone else who could have swept in and gotten you. Over and over. With Alice. All the years of bullshit and it’s someone else who is going to get the real side of her. Not that side she gave to Gabe. Not the side she showed me. Now Felix. Someone else is going to raise him. Teach him to ride a bike. Throw a baseball. Do dumb shit. Fatherly shit.”
“Aiden…”
“But I want that,” he said. He looked at me. “I want someone who is going to make you happy. Make you not worry. Make you feel alive and whole. And I want someone for Alice who is going to balance her out. Show her that life is good. Even in tragedy. And Felix? He deserves his father. That’s what tears me up the most. But he deserves his father.”
“And he deserves you,” I said. “And he’s got you. Alice deserves you, and she’s got you. And I deserve you, Aiden. Someone to make me happy? Make me alive and whole? That’s you, Aiden. Dammit. That’s you.”
“You forgot about not worrying,” he whispered.
“You’re always going to make me worry,” I said. “But that’s just us. It’s always us.”
I reached for his hand.
Aiden took a deep breath. “I didn’t plan on doing anything stupid. I just had that urge, sweetheart. And I think that urge is going to bother me for a long time.” He looked at me again, his eyes glossy. “And you want to live with that?”
“I want to live with that,” I said. “I swear to you.”
Aiden nodded. Then he stood up. He pulled me to my feet. His hands touched my face. His thumbs stroked my cheeks.
“I should have known,” he whispered.
“What?”
“You slapped me.”
“You deserved it.”
“But you didn’t give me my chip back.”
“No, I didn’t. That’s mine. Forever. Get a new one. Go earn it.”
Aiden smirked. “I want to show you something.”
He reached into his back pocket and pulled out an envelope. He handed it to me. I pulled the flap back and saw cash. Lots of cash. Lots of it.
“What the…”
“If I wanted to go big, I would have,” he whispered. “I was lashing out in the wrong way, Lily. I should have given it all to you. And I plan on doing that.”
“With cash?” I asked.
Aiden put his hand to mine. “The last time you found an envelope of cash… you thought it was for drugs. But it wasn’t.”
“But it was,” I said.
“Yeah, it ended up that way.” Aiden took the envelope back. “Not this time. I have something I have to do, Lily. I’ll meet you at home. I promise.”
“I’m supposed to just trust you. With what just happened?”
Aiden nodded. “Yeah. Because that’s just us.”
Aiden kissed me. Stealing my breath. Stealing my words of protest.
He broke away and jogged across the street before taking out his phone. I assumed he was calling for a ride.
Me, I just stepped back and sat back down.
The emotion of the day finally collapsed on my shoulders. I didn’t mean to cry but I had no choice. There was no more holding back. I wanted forever with Aiden and with that forever would come a greater fight.
More so, I thought about the envelope. What its original purpose was intended for.
What Aiden was going to do now.
Our life had been crazy for twenty years.
And crazy was just the beginning.
Aiden was going to buy me an engagement ring.
Chapter 43
(Empty Eyes, Full Hearts)
PRESENT DAY
(AIDEN)
I could hear a pin drop. The occasional squeak of a chair, the shuffle of a light jacket, someone sniffling because the room was so fucking dusty. It could have been ten seconds, ten minutes, ten years. Standing there meant time stopped. You were never really handed a knife but you were expected to cut your soul open. It was the only way to heal: to cut. What a concept.
All around me, I saw them. I knew exactly what I was staring at.
Empty eyes, full hearts.
That’s all we were able to offer.
No matter where we came from, here we were. It didn’t fucking matter. Paths twisting and turning, like a jungle vine, but yet at the end of it, we were all the roots, tied together, mixed up, fucked up, trying to make sense of it.
I stepped out from behind the podium, exposing myself. I grabbed a piece of paper, one that I had been scribbling on for a couple of days.
“Got a lighter?” I asked Joey, a guy who chain-smoked so much that his mustache was a mustard color.
He gave me a lighter.
I lit the paper on the fire and dropped it to the floor.
“That’s what I had to say,” I said.
In the back of the room I saw Lily. Standing near the table. Hugging herself. She was taking it all in. In the back row in the corner was Prick. I never thought I’d see the day when he’d be at a meeting. But he came to support me and to reassure himself that he was going to be okay.
“I don’t think there’s anything I could say,” I said. “That’s the truth. Because anything I say is going to be an excuse. And face it, if we just make excuses then we’re just a bunch of fucking junkies.
Trading our high for some other high. I won’t stand here and cry. I won’t stand here and tell you about the years lost. About the mistakes. Because you know it already. You’ve lost jobs, education, you’ve lost a chunk of your lives. We all have. Time is the one thing that we’ll never get back. We can score in a minute outside. Right? We can talk for hours. We can fill our souls with anything we want. But we cannot get back time. We only have what’s left in front of us. So instead of standing here and telling you about the time I broke a promise to a woman and got ripped up, and then I watched my brother overdose and die while he was telling me to go love that woman, I’m going to look at the time we’ve got left. I always called it a demon. The devil. The sweet venom. Right? Because face it. It was good. It felt good. It was fucking beautiful. Wasn’t it?”
Everyone started to murmur. I could see the look on their faces. Big Mike raised an eyebrow at me.
“Here’s the thing… it’s the reflection, okay? Look in the mirror. That’s the truth. You can make up beauty anywhere you look. But to feel beauty is something else. So yeah, that shit was sweet, beautiful, amazing. But the second it surged through your body and you looked in the mirror, you knew the truth. And when it all washed away, you swore ‘never again.’ Then… you wondered. What if the next time is different? So, there’s that word again: time. There’s always a next time until there’s not. There’s always a tomorrow until it doesn’t come. We don’t get to know the ending to the story but we get to help write it. Maybe that’s fucked-up. Maybe that’s not fair. But that’s life. Fucking life. I might get hit by a bus when I walk out of here, but from now until then, I’m going to take the time that’s here and breathe in it.” I pointed to the charred remains of my original notes. “I’m not going to end up like that.”
I walked away.
Around the chairs and by everyone.
Big Mike stood up and whistled.
Everyone slowly started to clap.
Prick stopped me at the back row, grabbing my shirt with a tight fist. “Fuck you, man.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Fuck you.”
He blinked fast.
I slapped my right hand to his face. “Fuck you, too, Prick.” I smiled. “Fuck you, too.”
