by London Casey
Tink looked mad. Really mad.
“Bro,” I said. “I need some cash.”
He looked right at me. “I got a job.”
“Okay.”
“You gotta just go with me.”
“What are we doing?”
“Ever have someone really fuck you good?”
“What…”
Tink got right into my face. He was my height, my size, but his eyes were something else. His eyes were dark and scary. His eyes screamed of a fate that would be twenty-five-to-life. In reality, though, Tink would end up getting killed long before serving a life sentence.
“Just go with it,” he said.
“Hey, there was a dealer in my house. Got my mother strung out. I threw him over the fence into the empty lot.”
“Did you take his drugs and cash?”
“No.”
“Fuck,” Tink growled. He stepped back. “You got a lot to learn out here, Aiden.”
“I just wanted him gone. If my father came home…”
Tink waved a hand. “Tell you what. We take care of my problem first. Then we go over to that lot and take care of yours. We’ll get you some cash, bro. Cash.”
“I need cash. I want to take Lily out for her birthday.”
“You hitting that yet?”
“Fuck off, Tink.”
He laughed. “You know, eventually you’re going to need to empty that sack of yours. And not into a sock or down the drain.”
“Fuck. Off.”
Tink threw an arm around me. “Walk with me, Aiden.”
As we walked, Tink rattled off some wild story about a gun, a store getting robbed, some money left behind, and someone needing to pay up. I was going to be the distraction guy. Tink would show up from behind and he’d do all the work from there. I just needed to be on the lookout for police.
I hated this shit but it was sadly the only choice I had.
As we turned down an alley, Tink put a hand to my chest and pushed me against a brick wall.
“Worse case, you hit him. Just fucking swing, okay? Nobody will know. Nobody will see.”
I nodded. “Let’s go.”
We walked down the alley and Tink darted away. I walked alone, hands in my pockets, minding my own business. I saw a guy who matched the description of what Tink said. He quickly stood up and stepped into my path.
“This is my alley!” the guy yelled.
“Fuck off,” I said.
I got closer. I took my hands out of my pockets.
The guy looked sort of homeless. Maybe just high.
“Get out or I’ll kill you,” the guy yelled.
“Now!” another voice yelled.
I saw Tink appear from out of nowhere. The guy looked at Tink and then lunged at me.
I threw a right punch and hit him in the jaw. He yelled and stumbled back right into Tink’s arms. Tink threw the guy to the ground and pulled a knife.
“Tink!” I yelled.
“He fucked my sister,” Tink said.
Those four words rang out in the alley. They would forever play into my life for the next few years because of where I was headed. Tink defending his young sister’s honor. A druggie who made the biggest mistake of his life. And me… just trying to get a few bucks to take Lily to dinner.
Before I could process it all, Tink came down with the knife, sinking it into the guy’s gut.
Chapter 40
(I’ll Make it Right)
20 YEARS AGO
(LILY)
I opened the bathroom door and saw Mom’s head literally in the toilet. I pulled her out, her blonde hair messy with water and vomit. I held her head with one hand and then flushed the toilet. The smell was horrible. That bitterness of vomit but also the harsh aroma of straight vodka. I grabbed a towel and put that on the floor. Then I lowered Mom’s head down. I kept her on her side just in case she threw up again. I didn’t want her to choke and die.
Well, I sort of did… but I couldn’t let it happen.
I put another towel to her back to help keep her on her side.
I washed my hands and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I hadn’t even realized I was crying. It was just so natural for me. I wiped away the tears and left the bathroom. In the hallway, there was a full length mirror with a crack in it. I paused and gazed upon my figure.
It was frustrating.
The other girls were getting taller. They were getting boobs. We all got our periods, though. I wanted boobs. Well, bigger ones. It only seemed fair, right? After everything I went through… not to mention all the girls with bigger boobs and longer hair and lots of makeup and less clothing, well, they all loved Aiden. They all loved to flirt with him. They all loved to lean in front of him, trying to get him to look down their shirts.
Aiden never did, though. He always ignored them. Then those girls would get mad at me.
Last week someone smashed a cherry against my locker.
I sort of didn’t get what that meant, though. Aiden told me not to worry about it.
I took a breath and went back downstairs. I was counting down the minutes for Aiden to come back. I should have known better than to believe when Mom said we were going out. It never worked with her. She would be sober and angry. Then she’d drink a few and be kind. She’d be the greatest person ever. Laugh. Tell stories. Hug me. Put on music and dance. Then she’d keep drinking. She’d go until she threw up. Then she’d pass out and wake up the next day like it never happened.
That was okay, though.
I had Aiden.
I’d met him a year ago. Right around my thirteenth birthday, he came crashing into my life. He and Tink chasing some guy down the street. The guy hit me by accident and down I went. Tink kept going but Aiden stopped. He dropped to one knee and that was it. I was done for. I’d never looked at a boy like I looked at Aiden. It was instant. And the craziest part was that he looked at me the same way.
We became inseparable.
I ended up on the back steps again, just thinking. About everything.
I put my head against the railing and sighed.
I lived in a town where dreams were swallowed up and traded for drugs. Where if you planted your feet for too long it was like the ground was made of quicksand. Except you went really slowly. It would start with just enough to keep you in town. Then it’d get you for good.
I wasn’t going to be that person.
I wasn’t going to work dead-end jobs and struggle and eventually collapse under the pressure of survival.
And I knew Aiden wouldn’t let that happen, either. Between the two of us, we were going to really make it. For real. I knew I had years to go, though. That was okay. I had time to watch, learn, and get ready for life.
Before that, I couldn’t wait to get something to eat with Aiden.
He showed up right on time, just like he always did.
Except… he had a pizza with him.
And he looked terrified.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“What? What’s wrong?”
Aiden put the pizza box on the porch and then stood over me, looking down. “Lily, something bad happened. With Tink.”
“What?”
“I didn’t realize what he wanted to do. I swear to you.”
“What are you talking about, Aiden?”
“I’m so sorry. I swear, I never wanted to hurt you. To let you down.”
I stood on the third step, eye level with Aiden. I grabbed for his hand. “Talk to me.”
“I can’t take you out tonight. I’m sorry.” He reached into his pocket and threw money to the steps. “You can have everything of mine, though. Please take care of yourself.”
“Aiden…”
“Lily, I have to go to the police. Tink is on the run. I won’t run. I’ll do the right thing.”
“The right thing?”
“Lily, Tink stabbed someone. I think the guy is dead. Or dying. Or will die.”
I gasped. “What…”
Aid
en shook his head. “I thought he was just roughing the guy up. The situation is a mess. I was there. I hit the guy. I set it up. I can’t go on the run. I’ll face the music. Whatever it is. I won’t turn on Tink either.”
“No,” I said. I clawed at his wrist. “I’ll lie for you. Say you were here the entire time. Nobody else will know.”
Aiden shook his head. “I can’t do that to you.”
“Yes, you can. I’ll do it. I can’t lose you!”
I felt my voice crackle.
Aiden touched my face. He kissed me. “I’ll make it right. I promise I’ll make it right. I’ll be back soon enough. I’ll be back for you. Okay?”
“Aiden, no.”
“Yes, Lily. My flower. Yes. I have to do this.”
“You didn’t know what Tink was going to do!” I yelled. “How can you get into trouble?”
“Exactly,” Aiden whispered. “Let me do what I have to do. I’m so sorry I can’t take you out to dinner. When this settles, I’m going to come get you, Lily. And I’m going to take you out to dinner every night for the rest of your life.”
“I don’t want dinner,” I said. “I want you. I can’t face this town alone.”
“You’re never alone,” Aiden said.
I heard a cop siren in the distance.
Aiden lowered his head.
“No, no, no.”
“Yes,” he whispered. “I’m going to go face that. Tell the truth.”
“What’s the truth?” I whispered.
“The guy did something very bad to Tink’s sister. So, I punched the guy out. And when the police ask me who stabbed him, I’ll shrug my shoulders. They can do anything they want to me but they won’t find the knife and they won’t tie it to me. It’ll be okay, Lily. I swear to you.”
“Don’t go,” I yelled. “Please don’t go. Don’t leave me, Aiden. Everyone leaves me. What’s wrong with me?”
He swallowed hard. “There is nothing wrong with you, Lily. You are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.” He touched my face. “Never forget those words, Lily.”
Aiden pulled away.
He backed up and turned.
I watched him walk away.
I refused it.
I jumped from the steps to the sidewalk. Pain shot up my ankles into my knees. I ran after Aiden and caught up to him at the gate. I jumped. I literally jumped at him, getting onto his back.
He caught me and stopped.
“Lily…”
“You can’t,” I said. “I love you, Aiden.”
He hung his head. He shook me off, then turned to face me.
“Lily, if I don’t do this, they’re going to come after me. I’ll look worse off. Please trust me. I love you, too. I mean that.”
“Aiden…”
He pulled me in and kissed me. It was a different kind of kiss. There was something behind it. Something I’d never felt before. Something that made my heart swell and yet made me want to cry.
And I did cry.
Aiden left and left for good.
Once he was out of sight, I realized what the kiss was, what it meant.
It was my first real goodbye kiss.
Chapter 41
(Kiss the Demon, Brudder)
PRESENT DAY
(AIDEN)
The screen lit up. I ignored it. I grabbed for a bottle of whiskey. My liver ached in protest but I didn’t give a shit. Yeah, I was a fucking dick for bailing on Lily the way I did. I hadn’t called her in a day. I hadn’t called Alice, talked to Felix, nothing. I was just alone and empty. Back in a fucking cheap-ass motel room outside of town, only leaving to get more booze.
It all collapsed on me.
The urge going through me was bad. I was better off drunk so I didn’t drive into town and score what I wanted. But the problem now was that even drunk as hell, the urge was there. I felt my veins throbbing. They were thirsty for a little venom. Just a little flicker. Just something to take the edge off.
I threw the whiskey bottle back and finished it off. I dropped it to the floor and turned to my side. I grabbed for the trashcan, knowing I’d need it soon enough. The clock on the nightstand read three in the morning.
And Lily’s calling you, man. She loves you. She wants to care for you. This is your dark hour and you’re alone. You’re a fucking scumbag, man. A true fucking scumbag.
I squeezed my eyes shut and chased that voice away.
The room was spinning and another voice echoed into the frame.
The voice was clear as day and easy to identify.
My brudder!
Shit. It was Gabe’s voice.
“No,” I whispered.
It’s okay, brudder. Kiss the demon, brudder. It’s what you want. It’s what you need.
I swung my hand, trying to find Gabe and punch him.
I couldn’t find Gabe, though.
I did find sleep.
But, it wasn’t comfortable sleep.
And when I’d wake up, the urge would be worse than ever.
I stuffed the greasy food into my mouth and threw the wrappers on the floor of my truck. I drove back into town. I cruised the old neighborhoods, finding all the old spots. To the tracks where it was dirty and wild. They’d since cleaned it up. The graffiti was gone. It was just red, painted walls. The overgrown grass and shit was all well-cut and kept. The streets looked cleaner. New trees were planted. There was an attempt at revival. Old businesses shut down and gave way to new opportunities.
I thought about Tink. He and I were kings of these streets.
I did my time after he murdered that guy. It was a messy story and it didn’t end well for anyone. I was put away until my seventeenth birthday. Tink stayed on the run. His sister couldn’t take the pressure of what happened to her, and without badly-needed treatment, she turned to drugs and wound up dead within two years. That set Tink off even more and he enacted a turf war that ended with a bullet in his head.
Sad as it was, it seemed I was the only one who got out of that mess. Just by telling the truth. And I wouldn’t have even done that if it wasn’t for Lily. I wanted to do right for her. Without Lily, I would have been on the run with Tink. I would have been with him when he started that war. And I would have taken a bullet, too.
The revived part of town gave way to the shit part that was forgotten. That included where I used to live.
On every corner there was a chance for me to get what I wanted.
I managed to stay strong and cruise through town.
I got out of there.
My conscience was directing the way.
I thought about going to the basement of the church. There’d be no meeting there but it would feel something like sanctuary. Or maybe just smarten the fuck up and go home to Lily.
I just didn’t want the pity. I didn’t want to have to face Alice. I didn’t want to think about what I’d have to tell Felix.
Worse yet, if Felix’s father actually got involved. It wasn’t fair to Felix to not want that guy in his life.
My hands gripped the wheel tighter.
I drove to the church and parked in the lot.
I sat there and let my mind rot away.
Then I threw open the door and exited the truck. But I didn’t go in the direction of the church. I went in a different direction. The urge was really bad. There was no stopping it. It had been a long time since I flirted with the demon. Not since the night Gabe died. But the thing was, I wasn’t stupid like Gabe. I wasn’t going to get myself killed. I just needed to get the thoughts out of my head.
And believe me, it wasn’t hard to find what I wanted.
Shit.
It took me all of twenty minutes.
I kept my hands in my pockets and made no eye contact with the dealer. He asked if I was good for the cash. I showed him the cash. He said to follow him to get the product. The product. The devil. That’s what it was: the fucking devil.
As I followed the guy, I knew what I was doing. I knew how bad it was. It wasn’t th
at I didn’t care, I just needed to feel nothing. Just a quick little bit of nothing.
We stood in a beat-up lawn area of the town. The exact kind of place where junkies would hang out. Share war stories. Shoot up together.
I thought about Felix.
How tiny he was when he was born. How I fell in love with him the second I saw him. How my entire world changed. My focus was on him. Raising him. Wanting him to grow up and see a different side to the bullshit we all face in life.
Now none of that seemed to matter.
Felix would be in the arms of his real father. As much as I hoped the guy was a piece of shit, I also didn’t want Felix to grow up without his father. I’d forever just be Aiden. Even if I did raise him, I would be Aiden. Even if Felix wanted to call me Dad, I would be…
“Aiden.”
I looked up and shook my head. The guy was running now.
“What the fuck?” I whispered.
I looked down and saw that the cash was gone. He took it out of my hand. In its place… the devil. The demon. The sweet venom.
I licked my lips.
“Aiden,” a voice said again.
I thought for a second it was the devil talking to me. Then a hand touched my shoulder.
I jumped.
“Hey, hey, it’s going to be okay,” the voice said.
I slowly turned. I couldn’t believe who was standing there. A hand touched my hand, stripping me of the drugs.
Slowly, I began to nod.
“Okay, Aiden…”
I expected maybe a hug.
Instead, the biggest fist I ever saw came swinging at my face.
Chapter 42
(Tracing Lines on the Window)
PRESENT DAY
(LILY)
I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep. How could anyone possibly sleep when the man they loved took off, nasty intentions in his eyes. Desperate, I tried to chase him around town. But Aiden knew how to slip away. It was the thing I hated about him. All the time, always slipping away.
I refused to even think that it would be another five years before I’d see him again. After hours of driving, with the gas light on in my car, I went to Alice’s.
