by Maggie Cole
If I hadn’t allowed him to drive me, we would be together right now.
I can’t imagine what he is going through, and even though I can’t have him, I want him to be guilt-free and happy, even if it’s with Billie.
I sit in my car sobbing so hard, it takes me a while to pull myself together enough to drive home.
When I get there, I curl up in a ball on my bed. I need to figure out a way to work next to him and not feel like this. Now that he’s in Chicago and our paths have crossed professionally, I’m going to have to deal with it. I can’t be breaking down every time I’m around him.
I’m trying to figure out a strategy of how to forget him when I hear my buzzer. I go over and hit the intercom.
“Let me in, Charlotte.” Quinn’s voice comes through the speaker.
Why is Quinn here? I wrack my brain then remember the girls and I planned to go out for dinner and drinks to celebrate my first day back. I hit the buzzer, and it doesn’t take long till Quinn is standing in my apartment.
When she steps in, she gives me a big hug. “How was your first day back?”
I lie to her. “Fine.”
She tilts her head and squints at me. “Charlotte, have you been crying?”
I turn away.
Quinn puts her arm around my shoulder. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
My stomach shakes again. “I was in surgery all day with Xander.”
“What? Come sit down.” She pulls me over to the couch.
“He’s in Chicago, the new surgeon on my team of doctors. For seven hours, I had to work next to him.”
Quinn puts her hand over her mouth. Then she removes it and asks, “Does he remember you.”
I scan Quinn’s eyes, not sure if I should tell her.
“What? Tell me.”
“He doesn’t remember me but told me he dreams about me.”
She arches a brow. “So, he remembers you.”
I shake my head. “He is still searching for Billie and loves her.”
“Xander doesn’t love her. He doesn’t remember everything but will realize it eventually.”
I shake my head harder. “No. He’s in love with her. I asked him, and he didn’t even hesitate.”
Quinn’s eyes widen. “But if he dreams of you, then he remembers you. His mind must be trying to piece things together.”
“No, he doesn’t remember me. And I can’t live in hope. I need to forget about him and move on. I won’t stand in the way of him finding Billie or play second fiddle if he is still in love with another woman.”
“But he isn’t,” Quinn insists. “Jamison says once his memory of when he was twenty-two to twenty-four comes back fully, he will realize he hasn’t loved her in over ten years.”
I need to change the subject, so I flip the tables on Quinn. “What’s going on with you and Jamison?”
Her face flushes, and she shrugs. “Nothing. We’re friends. Not much can go on when we live a plane ride away.”
I narrow my eyes and stay silent.
“What?”
“I don’t believe nothing is going on.”
“That’s your choice.”
“But if you were in the same city, you would be together?”
She flushes darker and shrugs again.
I tilt my head. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
She avoids my observation. “What are you going to do about Xander?”
“I don’t know. I’m going to have to work with him. I need to forget about him.”
Quinn squints at me. “Why don’t you see if you hang out with him if he remembers you?”
“No way. He’s in love with another woman. There’s—”
“But he isn’t. He doesn’t love her anymore. He just doesn’t remember. Once he does, it won’t be an issue. Jamison swears he was over her way before he met you.”
“Whether he was over her before we met doesn’t matter. What matters is right now, he is in love with her.”
“But—”
“No!” I’m almost yelling.
Quinn slowly nods. “Okay.”
I glance down at my watch. “We’d better get going, or we’ll be late meeting the girls.”
Quinn stands.
I rise, too. “I don’t want to talk about this with the others. I shouldn’t have said anything to you.”
“Why?”
“Xander and I are over. It will never be. Let’s just drop it, okay?”
Quinn sighs. “If that’s what you want.”
“It is.” But it’s the farthest thing from what I want.
Quinn and I get to the restaurant, and Piper and Vivian are already there. They have drinks waiting for us on the table, and as soon as I sit down, I chug half of mine back.
“Jeez, Charlotte. Thirsty?” Vivian teases.
“Yep.” I motion for the waitress to send me another drink.
Quinn glances at me, and I know she is dying to spill my Xander news. I give her a look that tells her I’m going to kill her if she says a word.
I do not want to talk about it.
Unfortunately, like my luck has been all day, that isn’t in the cards.
Piper clears her throat. “Since you’ve got a drink in you now, I need to tell you something.”
I know what’s coming. I don’t know why I thought I would get away with avoiding the Xander topic tonight.
“Xander is moving here, and he started at the hospital you work at,” Piper blurts out.
I sarcastically laugh. “Yeah, I figured that out after the seven-hour surgery I had to endure with him today.”
“Seven hours!” Vivian shrieks.
I throw back the rest of my drink then glare at Piper. Suddenly, I’m mad. She could have prepared me for my run-in with Xander. “Thanks for having my back on that one.”
Piper winces. “You said you didn’t want to know anything about how he was doing. I wanted to tell you in person. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“I don’t think Xander working at the same hospital I do is in the same classification as status updates on him,” I throw back at her.
“I’m sorry. You’re right.”
Vivian puts her hand on mine. “What happened?”
The waitress sets down another martini, and I take a sip. I tell the girls everything that happened, including how Xander said he dreams of me.
“What does that mean?” Vivian asks.
I shrug. “I don’t know. He doesn’t remember me, but he dreams of me. How does that even make sense?”
I don’t get any answers, just confused stares. I can’t say I blame my friends.
“What did he say you are doing in these dreams?” Quinn asks.
I shrug. “We didn’t get that far. But it doesn’t matter. He is still searching for and in love with Billie.”
After finishing my second martini, I pop the green olive in my mouth and ask the waitress for water. I rarely drink a lot, and it’s already going to my head.
I tap my fingers on the table and stare at Piper. “I assume Xander is staying with you and Noah?”
She shakes her head. “The hospital is paying for his accommodations until he finds a place. It’s part of his relocation package, and he said he didn’t want to be in our hair. We told him that was silly, but he chose to stay at the hotel.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask her which one, but I don’t. I’m afraid I might use my liquid courage and end up beating on his door tonight.
Quinn says, “I told Charlotte I think they just need to hang out, and he will remember her.”
“No,” I sternly tell her again.
“Why? It won’t hurt,” Vivian says.
I sarcastically laugh. “It won’t hurt? Who? Xander? Because it will definitely hurt me, and I already hurt enough.”
“You don’t know that.” Piper points at me.
“My heart is crushed enough. I don’t need to set myself up to get trampled even more. No, there will be no hanging out. I need to figure out how to
work next to him, and that’s it.”
The girls all exchange a look, and I know they want to argue with me, but I hold my hand up. “Please, let it be. I can’t be a second-place person because he can’t find Billie, and I can’t live hoping he will remember what we had. He will never remember me, and I don’t need false hope.”
“But—” Piper began.
“Please. Don’t.”
She lets out a big breath and nods.
“There is no future for Xander and me besides as work colleagues.” As I say it, I tell myself it’s the truth, but it doesn’t make it any less painful.
5
Xander
Five Months Earlier
“Come on. We’re taking you out,” Noah insists.
“No offense, but I’m not really in the going-out mood,” I tell him.
It’s been a month since I woke up in the hospital. Part of me wishes I’d have just stayed asleep or died in the accident.
Everything is confusing and frustrating. Noah, Jamison, Chase...they all tell me I’m not twenty-two. It’s twelve years later. I’m no longer a paramedic. I’ve gone through med school and am a surgeon. According to Noah, I invested in several companies with him and am pretty wealthy. My apartment is fancier than I ever thought possible. And I am no longer with the love of my life, Billie.
Except I don’t remember a single thing about the last twelve years, and every day that goes by, I lose more and more hope I’ll ever get my memory back.
“Sorry, but I’m not letting you sit at home all night. Get dressed. You’re coming out with us.” Noah has his, ‘I’m not letting you out of this,’ expression on, so I groan, go into the bathroom, and remove the pajama bottoms I’ve been wearing all day and take a shower.
When I walk out of my bedroom, Noah nods at me. “Good to see you can still clean up well.”
“Funny. Good thing I didn’t lose my good looks and amazing fashion sense in the accident.” I joke about it, but I would have rather lost those things than my memory.
“What would all the ladies do if that had happened?” Noah teases me, but we both know I’ve not had any ass since before the accident. Any ass I got right before, I don’t remember, so did it even happen? All I remember is screwing Billie since I was nineteen, in multiple positions and places, but she is nowhere.
To make things worse, a faceless woman haunts me every night, and it’s not Billie, so I live in a constant state of guilt. I don’t tell anyone about my dreams. I’m sure it’s just my screwed-up mind playing more games on me. I never even had wet dreams this intense when I was a horny teenager, and the last thing I need to do is tell anyone about it and be deemed crazy.
“Let’s get this over with,” I mumble to Noah and snatch my keys off the table.
Noah’s car and his driver Lou are waiting at the curb. That’s another thing I can’t seem to get used to. Noah, Jamison, and Chase have all changed. Yes, they are still the same guys I’ve always known, but they all have lives...stories I don’t know. The last I knew, we were all paramedics. Now, Noah runs one of the largest merger and acquisition firms in the country and is worth billions. Jamison and Chase own ambulance companies in several states and are expanding. And my investment portfolio has more zeros behind it than I could have ever dreamed.
Apparently, the three of us were smart and gave whatever we could to Noah to invest in various companies and are all self-made billionaires.
I mean, seriously, how do four guys who scrambled for scraps become not millionaires but billionaires?
I thought Noah was playing a joke on me when he sat me down and said, “We need to go through your finances so you pay your bills on time and don’t screw up your credit.”
“Am I going to lose everything since I can’t work right now?” I asked him seriously.
Noah laughed but then seemed to realize I was freaking out. “Xander, you’re loaded. You never have to work again if you don’t want to.”
“Funny. Just give it to me straight. How long until I have to beg my parents to move back in with them? I’m sure my salary was nice and all, but with my student loans and no paycheck coming in, I’m sure this apartment will need to go.”
Noah searched my eyes, not saying anything.
“It’s okay. Don’t sugarcoat it. I can handle it. How bad is it?”
“Xander, I’m not joking. We’ve done well. Really well. You invested in some of my first projects with me. You only work because you love being a surgeon. It would take a lot for you to run out of money.”
“Stop being cruel. Just give it to me straight, Noah. How long?”
He gazed at me a minute, went over to my pile of unopened mail, sorted through it, and came back with about ten envelopes from different banks and financial firms. Throwing them on the table, he said, “Open them.”
Slowly, I opened them. One statement after another confirmed he was telling the truth about my financial situation. When I had them all laid out in front of me, I added it up in my head and sat back in shock. “So I’m rich?”
Noah laughed. “Yep. Filthy fucking rich.”
I tried to comprehend it.
I should have felt elated.
I should have been dancing on the table.
I should have been grateful I would not lose my fancy apartment and have to move in with my parents.
I felt nothing but more confusion.
What I last remember is buying ramen noodles and my mom bringing casserole dishes of lasagna to the station so the guys and I could eat something decent between our shifts and school studies.
How did it all happen? I wish I could comprehend it all, but I can’t. I don’t remember any of it.
Even my cell phone is so complicated, I hardly use it. What happened to my flip phone and paramedic beeper?
“Earth to Xander.” Noah waves at me in the car.
“Oh, sorry,” I mumble.
“Xander, you’ve got to snap out of it. You can’t go down this hole,” Noah says.
I glare at him. “Easy for you to say. You remember the last twelve years of your life. Mine, too, apparently.”
“That may be true, but you didn’t let me go down the hole when Nathan died, and I will not let you go down it.”
Nathan. I turn toward the window, blinking back tears. Noah’s brother died, and I can’t remember that, either.
Noah’s voice gets softer. “Xander, your memory will come back. Give it more time.”
I stare out the window. “Will it? I’m beginning to think not.”
“It will. I know it will.”
I say nothing, and we soon pull up to the curb. When we get inside, Chase and Jamison are at the bar.
“Xander,” they both call out.
They sound the same as they always have when they are at the bar and drinking, so I plunge into a false sense of comfort. Within minutes of our arrival, Chase orders shots, and I pound a few back. I haven’t drunk alcohol in...well, I don’t remember when. It doesn’t take long before I feel buzzed and am smiling.
The hostess comes and tells us our table is ready. We grab our beers and sit down at the table. For the first time in a long time, I’m having fun. The guys and I spend dinner laughing.
I keep ordering more shots and am feeling pretty drunk. Noah says, “Think it’s time to cut back on those.”
I roll my eyes at him. “Don’t be a wuss.”
He laughs.
The waitress quickly comes back with the shots.
“No wuss zone. Drink up, Parker,” Jamison says to Noah and then clinks my glass to his.
I throw back the shot. Then I notice the woman with honey-colored hair. She looks like her, and my pulse creeps up.
I stand up quickly, knocking over my chair and take a few steps. I grasp the back of her shoulder. “Billie?”
The woman turns around. She isn’t Billie.
“I’m so sorry. I thought you were someone else.”
She bats her eyes at me and smiles. “That’s okay.�
�
I sulk back to the table. “Shit. I will never find her.”
“Stop searching for her. You’re not with her. You don’t want her,” Chase says.
I glare at him. “Don’t tell me what I want or don’t want.”
He’s about to say something else when the staff in the restaurant start singing “Happy Birthday,” and a cake with the number thirty-five on it is placed in front of me.
How the hell am I thirty-five?
The candles are flickering, and the guys are singing along with the staff when all the anger, frustration, confusion, and desperation I’ve felt the last month comes to the surface. I pick up my pint of beer and dump it on top of the cake.
The staff stops singing.
“Have you lost your mind, Xander?” Chase stands up quickly as the beer drips off the table and onto his pants.
“Yeah, motherfucker, I have lost my mind, in case you haven’t been paying attention,” I yell at him.
“Get a grip, man,” Chase yells back.
I land a punch right in the middle of his nose. He steps back for a minute then comes back at me, and his fist collides with the side of my chin.
There is a ton of commotion and loud noise as people scream. Noah and Jamison are dragging us away from each other, and Chase and I are yelling.
Within minutes, the cops are in the restaurant, and Chase and I are being pulled out to the back alley. Jamison follows, and Noah is nowhere to be seen.
When we get outside, one cop demands, “What are you two thinking?”
“It’s just a misunderstanding among friends, Simon,” Chase mutters.
“It will kill me to arrest you two. You better hope Noah can clean up your mess,” the other cop says.
They seem like they know us, but I’ve never seen them before. I glance at Jamison for answers.
“Crandle, can I talk to you a minute?”
The cop named Crandle and Jamison step away, leaving Chase, Simon, and myself.
“Xander, you could be in massive trouble with the medical board for this. What are you thinking, throwing punches in a restaurant?” Simon asks.
“I’m sorry, but do I know you?”
