Truly, Madly, Deeply

by Karen Kingsbury

  She was crying again.

  Her mom finally released her. Then she stood and pulled three tissues from the box on the dresser. With her back to Annalee, her mother dried her eyes. She might’ve thought she looked more composed when she turned around, but she didn’t. Annalee had never seen her mom look so upset.

  “What else?” Annalee wanted to know everything now. If it was real and it was serious, she needed answers. “Tell me.”

  And then in words and ways Annalee understood, her mother told her. How her cancer was serious and she’d have more tests tomorrow, and how treatment had to begin right away. Wednesday. Two days from now.

  When it was all said and when Annalee and her mother had held on to each other again, and when her mom had begged God for perfect healing… Annalee had one question.

  “Please… can I see Tommy?”

  “Yes. Of course.” Her mother dried her eyes again. “You’re going to beat this, honey. We’ll pray. Everyone will pray.”

  Annalee’s eyes were still dry. She was too shocked to cry. A strange calm came over her. If she was sick, then it was time to get better. “God won’t leave me.”

  “Never. Not ever.” Her mother kissed her forehead. “I need to call your father. He’ll be home in a few days but… he needs to know.”

  “Okay.” When her mom left, Annalee walked to the window and pulled her phone from her sweater pocket. Tommy’s practice was over by now. Normally she would text him but today demanded more than that.

  He answered on the first ring. “Annalee. I just got to my car.”

  She couldn’t find her voice, couldn’t make herself say the words.

  “You got your results?” Tommy knew. He always knew.

  “Can… can you come here, Tommy?” She didn’t want to cry. Not now. “Please… hurry.”

  “I’m on my way.”

  Annalee waited for him on the front porch. In happier times, she and Tommy would sit out here and talk about politics or Bible stories or funny conversations they’d had that week. She slipped into her jacket and pulled it tight around her. The air was cooler, autumn barely holding its line against the coming winter.

  It didn’t matter how thick the jacket was, Annalee couldn’t get warm.

  Not until she was in Tommy’s arms again.

  * * *

  ANNALEE WAITED TILL they were at their bench, the one at White River Park with the best view of Indianapolis. It sat at the foot of the prettiest tree in the city. She used to say time stood still here.

  Tommy sat close to her and took her hands. “Are you cold?”

  “Not now.” She lifted her face to the setting sun. “Can we just sit here? For a minute?”

  “Sure.” Tommy’s face was pale, same as Annalee’s mother’s. And he didn’t even know the truth yet. His hands were warm against hers. “We don’t have to talk.”

  Annalee nodded. She needed a minute. The truth was still a terrible nightmare, nothing real or possible. How could she put into words something she was only beginning to grasp? She pressed in closer to Tommy, her knees against his. The sun moved lower in the sky. In an hour it would disappear behind the buildings and night would come.

  Which would lead to tomorrow. And tomorrow would lead to Wednesday.

  She could do nothing to stop the ticking of the clock. And with that certainty Annalee drew a steadying breath and looked straight at Tommy. As much as she wanted to sit here and pretend it was yesterday, here was the truth. “I have cancer. It’s bad.”

  There. She had said it.

  Tommy searched her eyes, her expression. He stared down at the place where their hands were joined and then he turned his face to hers again. “No.” He shook his head. “You’re… you’re perfect.” He released one hand and placed his fingers against her cheek. “Who told you this?”

  “My doctor talked to my mom.” She didn’t blame Tommy for not believing the news. She didn’t believe it, either. “It feels like… it’s all happening to someone else.”

  But it wasn’t. And now that she’d told him the hardest part, she filled in the details. “I go in tomorrow for more tests.” She leaned her head on his shoulder. “And on Wednesday they’ll admit me to Indiana University Health Medical Center for treatment.”

  Tommy didn’t stand or pace or look like he wanted to run. He put his arm around her and held her closer than before. “I… I don’t understand.”

  She told him what she knew. The tumor in her chest was the size of an orange. Stage 4. Which was why the tumor was too big to be removed. Her doctor would give her six rounds of treatment to eliminate the mass and kill the cancer in her lymphatic system. “Several days in the hospital… then time at home for a couple weeks. Again and again. Six rounds.”

  The sharp exhale that came from Tommy sounded like he’d been punched. She could feel him looking up, turning his face to the sky. “Why the hospital? For the treatment?”

  That had been one of her questions, too. “The medicine is strong.” She started to shiver again. “Too strong for me to be home.”

  Tommy eased back enough to look into her eyes. “We’ll fight this. Together.” He didn’t blink, didn’t look away. “I’ll be with you every day.” Panic darkened his face, but he didn’t waver. He shivered a bit. “God isn’t done with you, Annalee. He… isn’t done with us.”

  She leaned her forehead against his. “I don’t want tomorrow to come.”

  He put his arms around her and held her again, his cheek alongside hers. After a minute or so he looked at her once more. “Tomorrow has to come.” He brushed her hair from her face. “That’s when you’re going to start beating this.”

  His words were supposed to encourage her. She knew that. Instead they scared her. “What if… I’m not strong enough, Tommy?” She clung to him again. “I’m so afraid.”

  He put his hands on her shoulders. “Annie Oakley… you’re the toughest girl I know.” His teeth were chattering now. “You will beat this!”

  Annalee nodded. Annie Oakley. The sun still shone on them, but the air was cooling. She couldn’t sit here another minute, couldn’t stand the sadness. “Walk with me.” She stood and held her hand out to Tommy. “Please.”

  He looked like he wanted to cry, but he didn’t. He fought it, the way she had known he would. Since she gave him no choice, Tommy stood and drew her to his side. As they started along the canal Annalee felt the strange feeling again.

  It was something she’d noticed lately. The fact that she couldn’t breathe right. When she was lying down or sitting or moving too fast, her lungs didn’t seem able to get a full breath. She had told herself her energy was to blame. Too little sleep or not enough vitamin B. Changing that should help and then she’d feel normal again.

  But now Annalee knew better. Every strange thing she’d been feeling was probably related to her cancer. She shuddered. Relax, Annalee. Breathe. A few more steps and she settled down. There. She was breathing better now.

  With Tommy’s arm warm around her shoulders.

  Another couple was walking toward them. A guy and girl maybe in their mid-twenties. As they came closer Annalee could see their wedding rings. They laughed and talked and before they reached Annalee and Tommy they stopped and kissed.

  Nothing too long or inappropriate for being in public. They were in their own world. Too in love to notice anyone else. Living out their very own happily ever after.

  As the couple passed, the man smiled at the woman. “I’m ready to go home.”

  She smiled. “Me, too.”

  Home. Together. Annalee slipped her arm around Tommy’s waist as they kept walking. Would that ever be the two of them? Married and able to go home together? What would that be like? Annalee set her gaze straight ahead. Why did they have to wait till then?

  After today she’d be in and out of the hospital. The details her mom had shared were horrible. Her doctor had apparently said Annalee would lose her hair and she’d lose weight. Even her eyelashes and eyebrows would disappea
r. Chemo and radiation would overtake her and she’d be fortunate if she ever felt normal again.

  If she ever felt as good as she did right now. She slowed her pace.

  Tommy looked at her. “You want to go back?”

  “No.” A grove of trees stood just off the path ahead. She led him there and she leaned against one of the trunks. He faced her, inches away, and Annalee brought her hand to his cheek. “I love you, Tommy. Do I tell you that enough?”

  “Yes.” He looked concerned. “You always tell me. I love you, too.” He hesitated. “You’re going to get better, Annalee. You need to believe that.”

  “I do.” She didn’t hesitate. But they both knew there were no guarantees. Not with cancer. She studied his handsome face, the line of his jaw. “Hold me. Please.” Her voice fell to a whisper. “Don’t let go.”

  “Annalee.” He drew her into his arms and cradled her head to his chest. “I’m here.” This moment was entirely different than the one on Karon Beach last summer. Rather than passion and possibilities, this embrace was wrapped in worry. Desperation. “I’ll help you through it. Every day,” Tommy whispered into her hair. “I won’t ever leave.”

  His words meant everything to her. Not only that he wouldn’t leave her here, now. At the starting line of the most terrifying fight of her life. But he wouldn’t leave her. Not ever. She understood that from his tone.

  The sun was setting and she had to get back. Tomorrow everything would change. She would be busy with doctor appointments and whatever medications they might start her on in anticipation of her hospital stay. And the next morning after that…

  Annalee didn’t want to think about it. She breathed in the smell of Tommy’s cologne and memorized the sound of the water moving through the canal. The feel of his arms around her. And all she wanted was to stay this way with him forever.

  She moved just enough to see his face. “I wish you could come home with me. Stay with me. Overnight.” She didn’t have to spell it out. “You know?”

  The look in his eyes was the same one he’d had on the beach of Phuket. Even with the vastly different reasons. He touched her face. “Do you mean…?”

  “Yes.” Annalee took a slow breath. “Everything’s different now.” Her heart beat faster. “So what if… what if we never get the chance.” Her breath mingled with his. “Kiss me, Tommy. Would you?” She took gentle hold of his face. “Please.”

  He searched her eyes. “We’ll get the chance, Annalee. One day.” He wove his fingers into her hair.

  And like something from a dream, his lips were on hers. Never mind that they couldn’t spend the night together. Tommy’s kiss was the sweetest thing Annalee had ever known. The sun was setting, shadows falling, and time stopped as he kissed her again. Like they weren’t in the park and she wasn’t sick.

  Tommy searched her eyes. “That… was amazing.”

  “Yes.” A thrill of soft laughter quieted every concern in Annalee’s heart. “All I want is you.” She slid the side of her face against his. The feel of him this close made her forget everything else.

  “Me, too.” Tommy looked straight through to her soul. “But I want so much more, Annalee. I want you well.” He kissed her once more and then, breathless, he stepped back. “I need to get you home.”

  “I know.” Leaving here was the last thing she wanted to do. She wanted to stop the sun in the sky and keep darkness from falling. So they could stand here a little longer. Kiss and laugh and talk about the day when they wouldn’t have to say goodbye. When they could stay like this till morning and let passion have its way. Maybe dreaming would keep the dark away. Anything to outrun tomorrow. Because in this beautiful unforgettable moment, Tommy’s next kiss said all she needed to know.

  And cancer couldn’t get a word in edgewise.

  11

  Tommy took the day off school Wednesday, and watched the poison enter Annalee’s body one drip at a time. He couldn’t remember the name of the drug or the kind of medication the doctor had inserted into her chest port before this one.

  All that mattered was Annalee.

  Hours passed and it was just the two of them in her hospital room now. Annalee’s mother was down in the cafeteria, but Tommy wouldn’t move from her side. He couldn’t.

  “How do you feel?” He sat in the chair beside her bed and held her hand. The one without the IV needle.

  “Tired.” The light in her eyes had never dimmed. Not once. And she hadn’t complained since treatment began. She looked deep into his eyes. “How about you, Tommy? Are… you afraid?”

  “Of what?” Tommy didn’t dare let her see his fear. “God’s using this to make you better. That’s what we both want.”

  He stared at the bag above her bed. Getting cancer treatment at the hospital was a whole lot more complicated than he had known. And there were a dozen known side effects for her type of chemo. But this morning even as the doctor went over the list of probabilities, Annalee’s peace never wavered.

  Tommy kissed her hand and kept eye contact with her. “So you don’t feel sick?”

  “No.” A soft laugh came from her. “The side effects don’t hit for a long time. Days even.”

  Tommy nodded. “I… hate that you have to go through this.” He gritted his teeth and locked eyes with her again. She didn’t look good. Her skin was gray and her face seemed thinner than a week ago.

  “Hey.” She pressed her fingers between his. “We prayed about this… remember?”

  “Yes.” He sighed.

  Prayer. That’s what he needed more of today. Prayer would make a difference. He believed that. But not once since he’d gotten to the hospital had he prayed, and now his thoughts raced a thousand miles an hour in every possible scary direction.

  “What is it?” She searched his face.

  “It’s just…”

  “You’re scared.” Annalee lifted her head. “It’s going to be okay, Tommy. We have to believe that.” She settled back into the bed. “I have this… I don’t know. A peace, I guess. It’s like I can hear God saying I’m going to get through this.”

  With all his heart he wanted to share her peace. But the facts flew in the face of his faith. Especially today, when her diagnosis had never been more real. He couldn’t say any of that, so he just nodded.

  “I know.” A grin tugged at her mouth. “Let’s talk about you. Have you told your parents yet? About being a police officer?”

  “No.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “I’ll tell them tonight.” Maybe that was it. First Annalee’s treatment, and then the fact that he had to go home after this and tell his parents his decision. He didn’t want to be a lawyer or a doctor the way his family expected.

  He wanted to be a cop.

  “Tommy… talk to me.” She was the picture of calm. “Tell me again why you want this? Especially now, when things are so crazy. Being a police officer… it’s never been more dangerous.” She was quiet for a moment. “Then maybe you’ll know what to say to your parents tonight.”

  One of her machines began to beep. The sound was incessant and loud and Tommy’s anxiety doubled. Now what? Was her body rejecting the chemo? “I’ll be right back.” Tommy stood and went to the door. He stuck his head out and flagged down a nurse at the station across the hall. “She’s having a problem in here! Please hurry.”

  As Tommy returned to his spot he noticed Annalee’s raised eyebrows. “I’m fine.” She shook her head. “My IV bag needs replacing.”

  A male nurse entered the room and checked her monitors and the other machines at the head of her bed. He swapped out the IV bag and tapped a few buttons. “Should be good.”

  Tommy exhaled. He winced at Annalee. “Sorry. I just… it’s hard enough to watch you go through this. If anything went wrong… if—” He couldn’t finish his sentence. “I had to be sure.”

  Her smile warmed his heart. “Where were we?”

  Was it his imagination or did her voice sound weaker? “Why… I want to be a police officer.”
>
  “Yes.” If she was troubled by his new career choice, she didn’t let on. “All the reasons, Tommy. Come on.”

  They’d gone over some of these, but he could see what she was doing. If he talked about becoming a cop then maybe he wouldn’t worry about her. He clung to her hand and leaned forward. As close as he could get to her. “I want to do something good. Something that matters.”

  She nodded. “I’ll always remember you running toward that burning car.” Her eyes held his for a long beat. “Who does that?”

  He ran his thumb over the top of her hand. “Kids being trafficked, drug dealers destroying lives for a pocketful of cash, gangs terrorizing inner-city neighborhoods.” He looked straight at her. “Someone has to defend our city, the people who live here.”

  “Who else but you?” Annalee didn’t look away. “Glad you’re telling your parents tonight.”

  “Yeah.” Tommy felt an ache in the pit of his stomach. “I think they’ll take it okay. I hope so.” He looked at the area on her upper chest where the port was sewn into her skin. “How do you feel now?”

  “I’m fine.” She yawned. “You need to go home. Do your homework.”

  She was right. He released the bed rail so nothing separated them. Then he leaned close and hugged her, best he could with the tubes and blood pressure cuff and IV. “All I want… is to be back at the park, kissing you by the canal.”

  Their faces were inches apart. She looked deep into his eyes. “I’ll remember everything about it. As long as I live.”

  Which would be a very long time, Tommy thought. He leaned closer still and kissed her forehead. “I’d kiss you now.” He looked over his shoulder. “But your nurse might not like it.”

  “My mom, either.” Annalee smiled. “At least not here, in the hospital. You know.”

  Tommy straightened, his hand still wrapped around hers. Before he could ask Annalee one last time how she was feeling, there was a sound at the door. Annalee’s mom walked in with a water bottle and a small coffee.