Truly, Madly, Deeply

by Karen Kingsbury

  “So… you’ve spent hours there.” Luke wasn’t asking. Somehow he knew. “All that time on that site. Seeing how cops die?”

  Reagan took a long sip of her latte. She shook her head. “No. That was just part of it.” Her Google search had only fueled her fear. No question. Sometimes she had searched police officer dangers until her chest was too tight to take a full breath. She felt ashamed of herself. “I also looked up police risks and police ambushes. I googled the photos of spouses and kids left behind when an officer had died. And I researched what happens to a cop who sees too much violence.”

  Luke didn’t blink, didn’t look away. His tone was rich with understanding. “Did that help?”

  Her frustration bubbled up again. “Maybe it did.” She leaned her forearms on the table. “Luke, being a police officer is dangerous. It is. The more I researched it, the more true that became for me.”

  “And Tommy knows that.” Luke took both her hands this time. “Honey, life is dangerous. Doctors have heart attacks and lawyers sometimes get stalked by the suspects they prosecute.” He paused. “Look at your dad. No one would’ve thought being a businessman would be dangerous.”

  He was right. Reagan had shared with Luke the story about her father, the one her mom had told her on the anniversary of 9/11. “The thing is…” Reagan searched Luke’s eyes. “I don’t know how I can live through it. Every day… not knowing whether he’ll come home.”

  They finished their coffees and Luke moved to the chair beside her. The shop was nearly empty except for the two of them. “Come here.” Luke took her in his arms. “Faith in God, Reagan. That’s how we’ll both get through it.”

  Reagan still couldn’t believe it. Were they really talking about this? Really coming to agreement that their Tommy was going to be a police officer? Shouldn’t there be more discussion, at least? Did Tommy really know the risks of being a cop? She dropped her voice to a whisper. “The average life expectancy of a police officer is just fifty-seven years.”

  “Reagan.” His eyes were kinder still. “Only God knows the number of our days.”

  “But that’s nearly twenty-two years less than—” She stopped herself. “Only God knows.”

  “Yes.”

  A sigh slipped from the deepest place in Reagan’s soul. If Tommy wanted to fight crime with his one precious life, that was his choice. Not hers.

  Luke had to leave. He had a meeting back at the office. They stood and Reagan leaned her head against his for a few seconds. “I’m sorry again. For how I’ve been.”

  “You do know that most police officers are heroes.” He moved a strand of hair from her eyes. “Imagine life without them.”

  “Of course.” Reagan was horrified that she had come across as if she believed anything else. “I have the highest respect for everyone wearing a badge, Luke. You know that.”

  “I do.” He raised his brow, his expression gentle. “As long as it’s not your son.” He didn’t wait for a response. “Just think about that, Reagan. When you talk to Tommy.”

  Reagan thanked him for the talk and when Luke was gone she sat down and stared at her empty coffee cup. A different kind of sick came over her. Had she come across that way to Tommy? Like she thought police work was something less than being a doctor or a lawyer? That wasn’t how she felt at all.

  Police officers… firefighters… first responders. All of them put their lives on the line every day. Their job description was simple—help people, help society.

  Another coffee. That’s what she needed. She got in line behind a trio of teenage girls and at the same time a pair of police officers entered the coffee shop. A man and a woman. Both black. They were chatting, smiling as they got in line behind Reagan.

  Probably somebody’s husband… someone’s wife. The son and daughter of parents who likely supported them. People who were proud of them. Did they have children, little ones hoping their daddy or mommy would come home at the end of the day? Every day?

  Reagan wanted to hug them. Instead she turned and smiled. “Thank you. For your service.”

  “Of course.” The male officer was quick to respond. “It’s our pleasure.”

  Our pleasure. The words stayed with Reagan as she stepped up and ordered another coffee. She paid for her drink and slid her card forward. “I want to pay for whatever the officers are having.”

  “Okay.” The guy behind the counter took her card and grinned. “I love when people do that. It’s only right.”

  “Yes.” Reagan took her drink to her table and waited while the police officers ordered. Both of them looked back at her and waved.

  “Thank you.” The woman smiled and held up her coffee. “Means a lot.”

  After they left, Reagan collected her credit card and went to her car. For a long while she sat behind the wheel, staring at the bushes in front of her. The next call could cost the officers their lives. Yet here they were, smiling between tasks. Doing the job they were called to do.

  “Lord, You see my heart.” She whispered even as tears filled her eyes. An image came to mind. The same two officers coming to her door with somber faces. Middle of the night. She shook her head. “No, Father. I can’t lose Tommy. I cannot.” She squeezed her eyes shut and leaned back against the headrest. “Change his mind, God. Please. Give him another passion so—”

  The male officer’s words hit her again.

  It’s our pleasure.

  In a single moment, her fear faded. She still had questions, still desperately wanted Tommy to change his mind. But for the first time since Tommy had told them about his decision, Reagan understood why her son wanted to be a cop. It wasn’t merely that he felt a duty or obligation to serve his community. Being an officer was something he truly wanted to do.

  The job would be Tommy’s pleasure, too. Reagan could feel that now with all her soul. And if that’s how Tommy felt, how could she be anything but supportive? If spending his life in a police uniform was what Tommy wanted, Reagan had to find a way to feel the same. For Tommy’s sake.

  Even if the struggle lasted the rest of her life.

  16

  The cracking sound split through the air and Tommy stopped, the wind cold on his face. He was walking with Annalee across the frozen Eagle Creek Reservoir just northwest of Indianapolis. But now… now all around them came the sound of cracking ice.

  “Annalee!” He shouted her name. What was happening? They’d done this before and the ice never gave way.

  But then, it was way too warm for the reservoir to be frozen. Also neither of them had fishing gear.

  “Why are we doing this?” Annalee looked up at him. They were holding hands, walking farther out to the center of the water. “Maybe we should go back!”

  Tommy’s teeth chattered. And suddenly he realized what was happening. The ice wasn’t thick enough. It had to be four inches thick before it was safe for ice fishing.

  More cracking. Louder, and coming from all around them. Then Tommy saw something that stopped his heart. Lines were appearing in the ice. Faster and deeper. “Annalee!” He shouted her name and pushed her toward shore. “Run!”

  But the moment they took their first steps back to land, freezing water bubbled up between the cracks and the ice beneath them began to sink. “Annalee! Get down!”

  She dropped to her knees and he did the same. The only way to keep from falling through the ice was to disperse their weight. Tommy knew that. But it wasn’t helping. The water was rising, the ice cracking faster, louder.

  And then just as they made a few feet progress toward land, the ice supporting Annalee gave way. “Tommy… help!”

  He lunged for her, but before he could grab her boot, she slipped into the frigid water. “No!” Tommy’s scream echoed across the frozen lake. “Someone help!”

  But no one came, no one heard. And Annalee was sinking, flailing in the freezing reservoir, and then with a final scream… she disappeared.

  Tommy could see her dropping, falling far, far below the surface
. He moved toward her, flung his body in her direction and before he could draw another breath he was underwater, too. The cold stung and dragged him down, and no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t reach Annalee.

  She was sinking toward the sandy floor faster, and faster, headed to the bottom. Tommy couldn’t scream, couldn’t call out, couldn’t move. This was it. They were going to die here in the ice-cold waters of Eagle Creek Reservoir and no one would find them till spring. He pushed toward her, arched his back and reached out for her. But the distance between them only grew.

  He was dying, desperate for air. And before Tommy could stop himself, he opened his mouth and breathed. Freezing water filled his lungs and his body writhed in pain. The sunlight faded to shadows and the last thing Tommy saw was Annalee. Her motionless body on the floor of the lake.

  And then came a darkness like Tommy had never known before.

  He squirmed and fought it, pushed through it and suddenly, miraculously he gasped and this time his lungs filled with precious, life-giving air. Warm air. And he wasn’t trapped in the frozen water beneath the ice of Eagle Creek Reservoir.

  His feet kicked their way free of the sheets and blankets and he sat straight up, breathing hard, grabbing as much air as he could. What had happened? He blinked. Where was he? Sweat ran down his forehead and he looked around. What was this?

  He was in bed.

  The clock on his nightstand read 3:03 a.m.

  Tommy leaned back against his padded headboard and closed his eyes. He ran his hands over his arms and felt his hair. Everything was dry. He wasn’t with Annalee and they weren’t falling through the ice.

  The entire, terrible ordeal had only been a dream. A nightmare.

  Eventually Tommy caught his breath. He eased himself back down and turned on his side. Even then the images stayed with him. The awful way he hadn’t been able to help Annalee. The impossibility of reaching her and pulling her to the surface.

  His heart raced. The dream was just like his life.

  Annalee was going back to the hospital for another round of chemo. Two days from now. She was getting sicker and weaker and sinking to the bottom of the lake. God still wasn’t answering their prayers, and there was nothing Tommy could do about it.

  Sleep wouldn’t come, so he did what he’d learned to do long ago in these situations. He closed his eyes and started with Matthew 11:28–30.

  Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

  Over and over Tommy silently repeated the words. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened…

  Peace began to ease the tension in his muscles. Annalee wasn’t getting better, no matter how much they prayed. But God was here, now. Tommy could feel His familiar presence. If You’re here, Lord, then help Annalee. Don’t let her drown. He exhaled. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest…

  Eventually Tommy fell asleep.

  When he woke it was nearly nine o’clock. Which meant his family would be downstairs having pancakes. A Saturday morning tradition in the Baxter family. Tommy dragged himself from bed and looked out the window. No snow or ice. Only blue skies as far as he could see.

  He got dressed and joined his mother in the kitchen. She had just started with the scrambled eggs. “I’ll help.” He took the pancake mix and poured it in a bowl. “Where’s Dad?”

  “He’ll be back soon. He got up early to help plant trees in Grandpa John’s backyard.”

  “Sounds like Dad. He’s always helping someone.” Tommy grinned at his mother. “And you wonder where I get it?”

  Malin and Johnny helped set the table and their dad arrived just as breakfast was served. Tommy waited till his siblings finished eating and went out back before telling his parents about the dream. “I get it. I mean… with all Annalee is going through.”

  “Of course.” His dad put his fork down. “I’m sorry, Son. What a horrible night.”

  “Yeah.” He took another bite of his eggs and stared out the window that overlooked their backyard. “It wasn’t even winter, but we were walking on ice… and the water was freezing cold. Which didn’t make sense. But it was as real as us sitting here.”

  For a minute no one said anything. His dad broke the silence first. “How is she?”

  “She has her scan Monday.” Tommy pushed his fork through his eggs. They didn’t look as good now. “A lot will depend on that. It’s complicated.”

  “But… how is she?” His mom asked the question this time. “You’ve been gone so much with school and visiting Annalee… we haven’t really talked about how she’s handling all this.”

  Tommy appreciated that his mom didn’t make a dig about the time he’d spent with the ride-along program. During breakfast she’d been more relaxed. As if something had happened since yesterday to soften her.

  He pushed back his plate. “Honestly… she looks terrible.” It felt good to talk about this. “Her mom bought her a wig—which she’s wearing at home. But it doesn’t hide how thin she is… or how weak.”

  Last night at her house Annalee had collapsed on the way back from the bathroom. Tommy had been there to help her, but even then she couldn’t seem to make her legs work. More side effects from the chemo, her mother told Tommy. “I don’t get what God is doing.” He pushed his plate back. “We keep praying, but nothing. Like… is He even listening? Does He care?”

  No wonder he’d had the crazy nightmare.

  His dad took the question first. “Disease… sickness. It’s part of a fallen world, Tommy.”

  “Sure, I know.” His tone sounded sharper than he meant it. “I’ve heard that. But God’s supposed to love us, right? And Annalee hasn’t done anything to deserve this. She’s the most faithful girl I know.”

  “He does love her, Tommy. He loves you both.” His mom’s voice was gentle. Kinder than it had been in a while. “Still… I’m sorry.” She hesitated. “Tommy… I have to tell you something.”

  He wasn’t sure where this was going.

  His mother folded her hands on the table. “I’ve had… a very bad attitude toward your decision to do police work and the ride-along sessions. Even toward you.” Her voice grew softer still. “Your dad and I… we talked yesterday.”

  “About what?”

  “You being an officer.” She didn’t break eye contact with him.

  “Okay.” The slightest hope lifted Tommy’s spirits. “How do you feel now?”

  “Scared to death.” His mom didn’t blink, didn’t smile. “I don’t want to worry about you heading to work every day or wonder if your wife and kids might have to live without you.” She looked down at her hands for a long moment.

  “Mom’s still working through it.” His father put his arm around her and looked at Tommy. “I think you can understand how she might feel.”

  Actually, Tommy hadn’t thought about the danger. He faced his mother. “I guess… I thought you were upset because you wanted me to be successful.” He shrugged. “Make more money.”

  “No.” His mom looked up. “That was never it.” She shook her head. “Police officers are some of the most successful people I know. Smart, courageous.”

  Tommy waited, letting her finish.

  “It was always this… this raging fear. Like a monster breathing down my neck. What if something happens to you, Tommy?” She sighed. “I don’t think I could take it.”

  Wow. Tommy shifted his gaze back to the window and the orange and red leaves on the trees outside. All this time, here was why his mother had been so upset. Because she was afraid something was going to happen to him. The news made Tommy feel better. Her attitude had been so bad since he’d told them his decision, Tommy could only think she cared about the money he was walking away from.

  Which hadn’t seemed like her at all. Plus, his mom had always been grateful for cops.
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br />   Tommy could remember times when their family had been out shopping or at a restaurant and his mom had gone out of her way to thank an officer. Why hadn’t this hit him before? Of course she was afraid. Danger was part of life for everyone who wore a police uniform. For any first responder, for that matter.

  “Thank you for telling me.” He met his mother’s eyes. “Fear… it isn’t from the Lord, Mom. That’s what you always told us when we were growing up.” He thought for a moment. “Of course, I’m scared about Annalee. So I get it.”

  “Trust God.” She looked off, as if she were seeing those old days again. Back when fear was about not getting hurt in a basketball game or making the right friends at school. “I don’t know how many times I told you that.”

  “And you believe it.” His dad still had his arm around Mom. “You just have to remember how to let go.”

  His mom nodded.

  Tommy was still a little confused. “So… you’re not mad at me. But you still don’t want me to be a cop?”

  “Yes.” His mom’s expression looked weary. “I’m sorry. I’ll work on it, but… yes, that’s where I’m at.”

  “She’s trying.” His dad seemed to want to encourage Tommy.

  Despite his mother’s troubled spirit, the conversation helped. Tommy felt more at peace as he headed off for his Saturday ride-along. Today—like the last few Saturdays—Tommy was riding with Officer Raul Garcia. He was tall with the build of an NFL linebacker.

  “Call me Raul,” the officer had told Tommy their first time out together. “By the way, Lockwood’s superhigh on you.” Raul grinned. “Says you’ll probably run the place someday.”

  “Oh yeah?” Tommy liked Raul. The guy was young like him.

  “But first”—Raul winked—“you have to get by me. I’m twenty-four and that’s been my goal since I was hired.”

  This afternoon they were out on Post Road and East Forty-second, an area known for gang violence and drug sales. Raul was a talker, and as they patrolled the area he chatted about his parents. “Salt of the earth, Tommy.” He smiled. Raul was always smiling. “Raised me and my four brothers to love the Lord first, family second, and everything else after that.”