Better Haunts and Garden Gnomes_A Cozy Paranormal Mystery
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Better Haunts and Garden Gnomes
(Un)Lucky Valley Book One
Michelle M. Pillow
MichellePillow.com
Better Haunts and Garden Gnomes © Copyright 2018 by Michelle M. Pillow
First Electronic Printing June 26, 2018, The Raven Books LLC
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
All books copyrighted to the author and may not be resold or given away without written permission from the author, Michelle M. Pillow.
This novel is a work of fiction. Any and all characters, events, and places are of the author’s imagination and should not be confused with fact. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or events or places is merely coincidence. Novel intended for adults only. Must be 18 years or older to read.
Published by The Raven Books LLC
www.TheRavenBooks.com
Raven Books and all affiliate sites and projects are © Copyrighted 2004-2018
Contents
About Better Haunts and Garden Gnomes
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Newsletter
About the Author
Please Leave a Review
Fooled Around and Spelled in Love
Curses and Cupcakes
Reading Guides
Featured Titles from Michelle M. Pillow
About Better Haunts and Garden Gnomes
Welcome to Lucky Valley where nothing is quite what it seems.
Lily Goode wasn’t aware she had an inheritance waiting for her in the form of a huge Victorian house in Lucky Valley, Colorado. Life might finally be coming together for her. That is if you don’t count the endless home repairs, dealing with eccentric Aunt Polly who claims they’re both witches, and Nolan Dawson the handsome home inspector who seems to have it out for her, then, sure, life is grand. Oh and not to mention the strange hallucinations and garden gnomes who are far more than lawn ornaments.
If mysterious accidents don’t do her in, then the rebellious gnomes just might. With the help of Aunt Polly, it’s up to Lily to discover who’s sabotaging her new home and trying to drive the Goodes out of Lucky Valley once and for all.
From NY Times & USA TODAY Bestselling Author, Michelle M. Pillow, a Cozy Mystery Paranormal Romantic Comedy.
To the most talented Bailey
To John for putting up with author insanity
To a wonderful group of women, authors, and retreat buddies: Mandy M. Roth, Gena Showalter, Jill Monroe, Kristen Painter, Leigh Duncan, Fiona Roark, and Roxanne St. Claire
To Garden Gnomes everywhere, keep up the good work
Chapter One
Lucky Valley, Colorado
Lily Goode stared at the beady eyes looking back at her. They were trapped in chubby faces, some happy, some grumpy, all a little creepy. They waited by the large tree in the front lawn, in flower beds that seemed unseasonably in bloom, behind the broken rails on the porch. A couple standing on the front steps like two miniature guards had pointy hats that were taller than their bodies. The female wore a pink dress and held yellow flowers. The male held a sign that read, “We accept.” Several more hats poked out of the overgrown front bushes as if their wearers lay in wait and ready to pounce. They came in a variety of heights and colors.
“Welcome to Lucky Valley, the creepiest place on Earth,” Lily muttered. “Have you ever seen so many garden gnomes in all your life?”
“Don’t look at me. This is your inheritance, not mine,” her younger brother Dante chuckled. His black sweater and dark slacks were stylish and made him stand out in the mountainous countryside. He looked like he belonged in a New York catalog shoot, not standing in front of a dilapidated Victorian house in the middle of nowhere. “Marigold left you the haunted mansion that time forgot.”
Lily closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Marigold Crawford Goode. Their absentee mother. The woman who one day left her three children on the steps of a fire station in Iowa and just disappeared. Lily had been seven at the time.
Since she was the oldest, it had been Lily’s job to protect the other two. Luckily a kind elderly couple had fostered them. Ila and Ronald Whaylen couldn’t have children of their own, so they had become experts at taking in other people’s. However, by the time the Goode children arrived, they were worn from their years of raising troubled kids, and life with them had been more a case of survival than of family fun. When they died, it had been up to Lily to keep the siblings together for two years until she’d turned eighteen and became Dante and Jesse’s legal guardian. After that, Marigold had popped up from time to time, but none of the encounters had made for pleasant memories.
Why had she thought this legacy would be anything other than disappointment? Everything her mother touched had turned to heartache.
The familiar tightening in her chest was brief, and she pushed it down. Those were old wounds best left buried. Nothing good came from digging up the past.
The yellow porch light didn’t help alleviate the unsettling vibe of the old home as it cast shadows over the gnomes in the darkening evening light. The house itself stood trapped in a limbo between care and neglect. It was clear someone had loved it for a very long while, but that time had passed, and decay now attacked the wood siding. Purple and pink paint curled and chipped. It sprinkled the ground like permanent snowflakes. A shutter hung cockeyed on a single hinge.
Trees rose gently over a hill behind the house. She’d seen it as they drove up. Mountains towered to the left, and a valley stretched to the right. The mountain road led to a ghost town, and the valley to a small hamlet that barely passed as a town. It was quiet and out of the way, and if not for this rundown house she couldn’t afford to repair, Lucky Valley would have made a fine place for a new start.
Lily unconsciously touched her jeans pocket where a couple hundred dollars resided. They would need to be frugal and make it last.
As it was, the house was more money pit than living space. She couldn’t afford to renovate. She could barely afford the gas it took to drive halfway across country to get here. She’d most likely be forced to sell the property and hope for enough to cover a down payment on a small place somewhere else.
“Lily? Lily Goode? Is that you? Wait, don’t tell me. I see the shine and I already know the answer. Finally we meet!”
Lily watched a vibrant woman come from the shadows by the side of the house. There were no other cars in the drive and she had assumed no one else was around.
Artificially red hair spiraled from the woman’s head, escaping a bun. Thick, red plastic glasses framed her eyes. She moved with an abundance of energy, made even more apparent by the bright orange and white of her jumpsuit. It was only after she neared that Lily saw a hint of the woman’s age in wrinkles near her eyes. She had the kind of face that could have been a troubled forty or a young sixty.
Lily shared a look with her brother before glancing up at the sky. “How did you get here? Did you... skydive?”
“Isn’t it fabulous?” The woman gestured over her outfit and gave a smal
l wiggle. It looked like something a daredevil who jumped out of a perfectly good airplane might wear. “You are exactly as I envisioned you, sugar bee, minus the mole.” The woman studied Lily’s face. “I was positive you had a mole. The present I brought you will never do now. You’ll have to forgive me as I think of something else.”
“Are you Polly?” Lily recognized the voice of the woman who’d called to tell her about the house. It was annoyingly cheery.
“Call me Aunt Polly.” Polly lifted her arms and lunged forward.
Lily stiffened in surprise and tried to step back, but the woman pinned her arms at her sides with her strong embrace. Strawberry body spray wafted from the woman. Red hair tickled her chin and Lily turned her head to the side. Not exactly known for being a hugger, she wasn’t sure how to handle the unexpected contact.
“I wasn’t aware one of our parents had a sister.” Dante walked closer to the house, out of the woman’s reach. He moved with a practiced refinement he had not been born into. Like all the Goode siblings, he tried to erase the past by not being a product of it. “But if you knew our mother, you’d know we couldn’t always depend on her to tell us the truth of things.”
Polly released Lily and turned to Dante. “Oh, Florus, I would recognize you anywhere.”
“My name is Dante.”
“You look just like your grandfather. He was a tall fellow too.” Polly pointed her finger to encircle his face. “Same disapproving wrinkle in his forehead. You had better be careful or you’ll look like a prune when you’re my age. Nothing ages a person more than sadness, worry, or cheeseburger pickle pie.”
“Cheeseburger pickle pie?” Lily repeated with a grimace. That couldn’t be a real thing.
“Pregnancy cravings. Having children. The ultimate worry that never leaves you,” Polly explained as if her logic should have been evident. “Marigold had that worry. Carried it around for you four kids like a weight.”
“There are three of us,” Lily corrected. She followed her brother to the porch. Dante tested the step with his foot before putting weight on it. The board creaked.
“Right. Jessamine’s not here with you?” Polly asked.
“Jesse had to work.” Lily sighed. Her younger sister had refused to come with them. She wanted nothing to do with Marigold Crawford Goode or any inheritance left to them. Plus, Jesse’s boss never permitted time off.
“I do hope she’ll come soon. I love meeting family. I’m from the Crawford side. Marigold was my…” Polly tilted her head in thought, “twelfth cousin’s sister’s daughter once removed and then unremoved’s mother’s aunt’s granddaughter.”
“Wouldn’t that make her your twelfth cousin’s second cousin,” Lily said, trying to decipher the connection, “which would be your fourteenth cousin? Wait, I’m lost.”
“I never understood the once removed,” Dante said.
“It means the difference of a generation, so Marigold’s first cousin would be our first cousin, once removed,” Lily said. “Don’t ask me how I know that. And don’t ask me what unremoved means. That sounds like a bend in the family tree I don’t want to know about.”
“No, she was once removed from the family coven but then allowed back in,” Polly said.
“Of course she was,” Dante drawled. He turned his back on Polly and made a face at Lily while mouthing the word, “Crazy.”
“So this is the house my mother left me.” Lily changed the subject. “You said nothing about it being part of a ghost town when we spoke on the phone.”
“That’s Old Lucky Valley, sugar bee. We’re in New Lucky Valley.” Polly paused to adjust a gnome hiding in the bushes. “There you go, Winks. All settled in your new sanctuary.”
“You put the gnomes here?” Lily asked in surprise.
“It never hurts to have an army of garden gnomes protecting your property, especially a house as magical as this one, and they did so beg for a change of scenery. The salty Maine air is very hard on their skin.” Polly skipped up the stairs, moving past Dante as she went to the front door. She patted her chest and hips as if looking for keys before shrugging and pushing the door open.
“I don’t know if we should go in there.” Lily looked along the porch. A black cat sat on the edge, staring at her with disturbingly bright eyes. “I haven’t talked to a lawyer about the property and someone could consider this to be trespassing.”
Polly waved her hand. “Trust me, no one is going to complain about a Goode going into the Goode house. There are two cops in this town. Sheriff Franco Tillens, a cowboy who will see the paperwork as a formality and not care, and who is probably out fishing and can’t be bothered. And his deputy, Tegan Herczeg, who has been on the job less than a year.”
“On the job?” Dante mouthed, only to whisper, “Apparently, we have the female Lieutenant Columbo with us.”
“Columbo?” Lily arched a brow. “The 1960s called. They want their television show back.”
“The 1990s called, they want their comeback back,” Dante joked.
“Was that from the ‘90s?” Lily asked. Dante shrugged.
“Come on, sugar bee,” her brother said, lifting his hand to indicate she should go first.
“Thanks, Florus,” Lily answered wryly. Dante grimaced. “I think we should probably confirm with that lawyer to make sure this whole thing is real. I’m not exactly sure Aunt Polly has all her screws tightly in place.”
“No screws,” Polly called from within. “But I have a hammer if you need one, and a wrench Herman found on the beach. He insisted I keep it, and I think I now know why. They’re in the trunk of my car, which is... maybe in Pennsylvania.”
Lily wasn’t sure how the woman had heard them whispering from within the house. Dante pointed at his ear and mouthed, “Hearing aid?”
Lights flickered as Lily crossed the threshold. “You forgot where you left your car?”
A shiver worked over her, and tiny memories from her childhood peeked into her mind from behind a closed door. The house was vaguely familiar, or maybe it simply reminded her of another Victorian from another point in her life. After the Whaylens, they’d moved around quite a bit.
Lily didn’t go past the main foyer. Time had marched its way over the inside, peeling wallpaper and warping wood. Dust coated every surface, and cobwebs hung like strings from the ceiling and chandeliers. Sheets draped over pieces of furniture though she wasn’t sure why since they couldn’t protect from neglect and decay. Already this house needed too much work. Even with her brother’s help, she doubted they could make it livable because if the surface was this bad, who knew what they’d find behind the walls.
“Spectacular, isn’t it?” Polly’s voice drifted from another room. “Reminds me of my Queen Anne home in Maine, only flip-flopped around. Your turret is on the opposite side. And the rooms are different. And my house is pink like a decorated cake.”
Lily grabbed her brother’s hand to get his attention. “What was Marigold thinking leaving me this? And why? What are we going to do with—?”
Polly poked her head from around a corner and smiled. “Since the late 1800s, this property has passed from oldest child to oldest child. It’s just the way things used to be done, and when things are done enough times they become a tradition. But don’t worry, Florus, Marigold left you something too.”
“My name is Dante.”
“Right,” Polly said in dismissal.
Dante stepped out of Polly’s view and circled his finger by his ear to indicate he thought the woman was insane. Lily nodded in agreement. Polly was nice, but there was definitely something off about their long-lost relative.
Polly went to the stairs. Lily found herself looking to see if the woman wore a hearing aid. She didn’t see one.
“Wait, are you sure that’s safe?” Lily stopped Polly from going up. “We should probably have someone come out and make sure this structure is sound before we fall through the floor.”
Polly giggled. “You’re a funny one. There’s no
reason to fear a little dust and wood groans. A little magic here, a couple of spells there, and poof—all done.”
“I’m more worried about black mold, wood rot, and unwelcome critters,” Lily answered, only to add sarcastically, “but I agree that the only way this place will become livable is if we find a wizard.”
Lily leaned against the stairwell and peered up. It was too dark to see anything upstairs, but there were cracks in the ceiling that gave her reason to pause. Where did one even start on a project like this? Structural engineer? Plumber? Electrician? Mason? Exorcist? Firestarter?
“Do you know one?” Polly walked up the stairs.
“Know one what?” Lily wondered if she had been mumbling her list out loud.
“A wizard.” Polly paused and glanced down at them. She gestured that they were to follow her.
“I don’t think she knows magic isn’t real,” Dante said under his breath as he turned his back on Polly.
“Of course it’s real,” Polly called down. An upstairs light flickered a few times as if to support the woman’s claim. “Look around, don’t you see it glittering on the walls? And in the mountains and valley outside? Like an aurora borealis of magic and sparkles.”
“Never mind,” Dante said. “She’s not crazy. She’s just a hippie.”
He sighed in resignation and followed Polly upstairs. Lily took a deep breath before going after him. The stairs creaked with each step, but at least they didn’t bow under her weight.