The Raven Room

by Ana Medeiros

  Julian was standing by the door holding their coffees, with his back to a family sitting by the window, and when Alana returned he felt her put something inside his jacket pocket. She took one of the cups from him with a smile.

  “Check for yourself,” she said, sipping her coffee but not taking her eyes away from his face.

  Julian reached inside of his pocket. His expression shifted from curiosity to surprise and then to approval. Slowly, he took his hand out of his pocket and, in a casual gesture, rubbed it over his nose and mouth. He moved to stand behind Alana.

  “I’ve your panties in my pocket and your scent all over my face,” he spoke so only she could hear.

  “Is it turning you on?” she said, still facing the room.

  “Check for yourself.”

  In a fluid motion, as Alana turned to face him, she reached for his crotch and fondled him. It all happened very fast and for a brief moment their eyes met.

  “You’ve no idea what I’ll do to you when I get my hands on you later today,” he said to her as they were again outside of the coffee shop.

  “Is that a threat?”

  They were walking side by side, enjoying their hot coffees.

  “I don’t threaten. I simply do.”

  “I guess I’ll just have to wait and see, won’t I?” Her tone was serious but full of mischief.

  “Alana, you’ll beg.”

  “For?” she asked, glancing at him with desire in her eyes.

  “For me to stop.”

  “That will never happen.”

  “Oh really?”

  “Not when it comes to you.”

  “We shall see if you continue to think that way once I stop holding back.”

  Admiring the bare tree branches swaying above them in the light wind, she smiled. “We shall.”

  They wandered around for several hours and Julian found himself laughing and enjoying himself more than he had in a very long time. Alana’s happy demeanor was a positive influence on him. Julian let go of the thoughts that persistently weighed on him. It had been a week since Grace had come to him and revealed the true state of her marriage with Peter. After spending the night at Julian’s condo, Grace had left Seth and Eli in his care while she had returned home to have a conversation with her husband. Watching over the boys for several hours had been exasperating. Julian had to constantly stop them from putting anything they could get their hands on into their mouths. He had to change more diapers than he ever thought he would. To entertain them, Julian had showed them every kid-friendly video he could find on the Internet and, through all of that, Seth and Eli had stirred within Julian a sense of wonder. When Grace had arrived to take them back home with her, he had experienced a mix of strong emotions. But he hadn’t shared them with Grace. Julian knew he had, a long time ago, relinquished his right to have such feelings toward the boys.

  “Should I even ask why we ended up at the cemetery?”

  They were at Graceland Cemetery and, because the weather was still too cold for most people to wander outside for long periods of time, it appeared they were the only ones there. The sky had changed from a cheerful, clear blue to a deep, depressing grey. The wind, which had picked up, was the only sound breaking the eerie silence.

  “I love cemeteries,” she replied softly, not standing far from Julian. “You don’t?”

  “Not particularly.”

  “I’ve been fascinated by them since I was a kid.”

  “What do you like about them?”

  Without a destination in mind, they were wandering amidst the graves throughout the barren grounds.

  “The dead. I read the names on the graves, how long they were alive, and I try to imagine what kind of life they might have had, the happy and sad events they experienced, who they might have loved and who might have loved them, who they left behind…like they’re the characters of an epic novel created by my imagination.”

  When a strong gust of wind moved Alana’s long hair off her shoulders and made it flutter around her face, Julian took a moment to admire how she stood out against such a stark and poignant background.

  “If you walked in here today and you saw a grave with the name Julian Reeve on it, what type of person would you make him to be? What life would you give him?” he asked, pulling up the collar of his black wool coat to better protect himself from the cold wind.

  “I’d say he lived a short life. A linguistics professor, he was an intellectual who wore thick tortoiseshell frames and had an extensive collection of blazers. He loved books. Even more than I do.” Alana winked at him. “He had a wife, a nice woman, and a couple of children. But he wasn’t in love with her so when he met Rosalind, who he called Rosa and who happened to be a few years older than him and an accomplished poet, he couldn’t stop himself from being attracted to her. The two of them started an intense and life-changing affair. While his sweet wife stayed at home raising the kids, he and Rosa traveled the world together. But Rosa died of a mysterious disease. He was by her side until the end. Losing her broke his heart and plundered his soul into a silent despair that couldn’t be expressed through words. He died five years later, hit by a car while crossing the street. In his pocket there was a note Rosa had written for him when they had just met and their hearts were ablaze with a fervor only love can create—My dear Julian, my silly Reeve. Do you remember when I said you were my Superman?” Alana turned to Julian, a carefree smile on her face. “With Reeve for a surname I had to mention Superman.”

  Before he could speak, Julian cleared his throat. “I don’t know what to say…does that sound like a good life to you?”

  “Absolutely. He got to experience an all-consuming love that, because of death’s merciful intervention, didn’t wither under the cruelty and relentlessness of time. He died in love and she died loving him. Not many have that.”

  Julian wanted to move closer to Alana but he was having a hard time doing anything else that wasn’t surrendering himself to the memories her words had stirred.

  “You’re such a romantic,” he finally said, his gaze lost in the empty air in front of him.

  “No, I’m a pragmatist.”

  At that point Julian was able to smile. “You made a love affair the highlight of my short life. Isn’t that a perfect example of a romantic?”

  “Imagine you’re on your deathbed and reminiscing about your life. What do you think will jump out at you? How you should have treated more troubled kids? How you should have made more money? Unlikely.”

  “If you were on your death bed right now, who would you think about?” Julian asked, his voice almost drowned out by the wailing sound of the wind.

  Walking a few feet to her right Alana sat down on a wooden bench. Julian joined her, sitting so close that his leg touched hers.

  “My family.”

  “You mentioned before you wish you still had a family…are they dead?”

  She nodded. “Yours?”

  “I don’t know for sure but I would guess that they are.”

  They were both staring at the muddy ground and Alana was the first one to speak. “I’m sorry they’re gone.”

  “What happened to yours?” he asked, forgetting that by asking that question he was nearing dangerous territory with her.

  Alana shook her head.

  “You don’t want to talk about it?”

  “It hurts too much.”

  Julian wrapped his arm around her and Alana rested her head on his shoulder. They sat for a while, in silence. He didn’t know what she was thinking but he imagined it was about her family. He rarely allowed himself to think about his but there was a melancholy to their surroundings that awoke in him memories of his childhood. There was a time in his life when Julian had felt so lonely that he wished he had a sibling, someone he could trust and confide in, but knowing his brother or sister would have probably gone through what he did after his mother abandoned him, was too overwhelming. He found comfort in knowing all the pain he had felt hadn’t been mirrore
d by someone he cared about.

  Julian’s gaze wandered. The scattered rows of dark tombstones, some of them tilted, went on for as far as he could see. An unexpected feeling of tranquility started to take shape in him and regardless of the damp cold seeping into his core, his body relaxed against Alana’s.

  “Have you ever loved?” she asked, leaning closer to him. Her movement had been almost imperceptible but he had noticed it.

  “A long time ago.”

  “The girl from your nightmares? Tatia?”

  Julian lay his cheek on her head and felt the cheap fabric of her winter hat against his skin. Looking down he noticed her naked hands on her lap. Taking his gloved hand out of his pocket, he covered both of her hands.

  “She and someone else,” he replied, his stare still on her icy hands.

  “I hope you told them.”

  “Not enough times.”

  “If you saw them today what would you say?”

  He felt the tender touch of the falling snowflakes on his face and a shiver of contentment ran through his body. He inhaled deeply. His nose and mouth were so close to Alana that the scent of her took hold of his senses. “That I remember.”

  By the time they walked out of the cemetery, there was a layer of fresh snow on the ground. The temperature started to drop, which meant the city was in for a winter storm.

  “I really wish I had my car with me,” Julian said, as he ran his fingers though his now white hair.

  “Why? You’re not enjoying getting around on foot as the sky dumps snow on your head?”

  He gave her an amused look. “Do you even need to ask?”

  “Have you always been this high maintenance?”

  “I have lived in poverty and in wealth. Let me tell you, I choose wealth any day.”

  “I can’t say I blame you.”

  “Where are you taking us?”

  “It’s okay, Julian.”

  “What’s okay?”

  “To not always be in control. There’s relief to be found when you allow someone else to take charge.”

  Alana’s comment wasn’t inaccurate. Julian understood the solace relinquishing control could bring. But for him there was no relief being vulnerable around someone else, especially someone he was intimate with. The possible negative consequences were just too great for him not to fear.

  “I thought you were excited about calling the shots today,” he said.

  “I am. And even though you started the day being excited about it too, for some reason, it’s now causing you serious anxiety.”

  He sighed, smiling. “That obvious, huh?”

  “Glaringly.”

  They got on at Sheridan subway station and took the Red Line to Belmont. When they got to street level the sidewalks were slippery and Julian reached for Alana’s hand. She was so light that if she slipped she would fall easily.

  “So…where are we going?” he asked again.

  Alana looked up at him and groaned. They both burst out laughing.

  “A bookstore. Happy now?”

  “Which one?” Julian pressed.

  “You’re something else. I told you where we’re going.”

  “And I asked you the name of the bookstore. What’s wrong with that?”

  “There’s nothing wrong with you asking but I’m not telling you.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you have to let go and we have to start somewhere,” she said.

  “Really? It sounds childish to me.”

  “To be honest, I don’t care if you find it childish or not. Don’t listen to the chatter in your brain. Give yourself to the moment and flow with it.”

  Julian shook his head in frustration but didn’t speak. He allowed Alana to lead the way and soon they were entering Elliot’s.

  Alana greeted the man behind the counter with a friendly smile and Julian followed her up the narrow wood stairs to the second floor.

  “Don’t let the grumpy looking man downstairs fool you. He’s actually very nice. I call him Bubbles,” she whispered, leaning closer to Julian as they made their way upstairs.

  Julian laughed, leaning forward and kissing her neck just as she removed her scarf and jacket. “Am I starting to see the real Alana?”

  “Who would that be?”

  “Trouble. Lots and lots of trouble.”

  Turning around, she winked. “You have no idea.”

  The bookstore was almost empty and they spent several hours browsing its three floors filled with books. Julian wished he had visited the bookstore sooner. With its creaky floors, narrow corridors and a smell that reminded him of a dusty old house, the place had the charm of a hidden, forgotten library. It was impossible not to be seduced by it.

  After spending some time on the bottom floor, Julian finally found Alana on the third floor, sitting by the small stained-glass window, wearing her thick-framed reading glasses and her nose buried deep in a large book.

  “Anything that interests you?” he asked, keeping his voice low even though they were the only ones on that floor.

  “I always find something that interests me.”

  Speaking to her from his standing position made Julian feel unnecessarily domineering so he sat on a pile of books, across from her. “I can’t believe I haven’t been here before. It’s quite a gem.”

  “I knew you would like it. It’s my favorite used bookstore in the city. It’s been here for fifteen years. I believe only soulless people don’t love books with a past…what do you have there?” she asked, looking at the book Julian was holding. “Let me guess, it’s about aliens?”

  “Funny,” he sneered at her teasing tone. “It’s about the Ottoman Empire.”

  “Sounds like an easy read.”

  “You?”

  She lifted the book she was holding so he could see the cover.

  “Sex and Punishment, Four Thousand Years of Judging Desire.” Julian read the title out loud. “Sounds like an easy read.”

  Alana laughed, closing the book. “I’ll be done in less than a week.”

  “Why did you choose it?”

  “It looked interesting.”

  “How so?”

  She raised an eyebrow. “Trying to analyze me, Dr. Reeve?”

  “Just curious, that’s all.”

  “We saw each other for the first time at a sex club. I’m sure you can understand why I would find the topic of society attempting to control sexuality through the law interesting.” She tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. “You might be more educated and wealthier than me, but I’m not a vapid little thing.”

  “You haven’t shared much about yourself, but from day one it has been clear to me how intelligent you are.”

  She smiled at him and Julian leaned back, admiring her. She was in her element and he couldn’t remember seeing her more at ease.

  “Pass me your Holga,” he instructed.

  “Why?”

  “Who’s afraid to let go now, huh?”

  Alana rolled her eyes. She grabbed the camera and passed it to Julian. He pressed the shutter. As soon as he had taken the picture, Alana returned to the book she had been holding.

  “Can you look at the camera again?”

  “You had one shot,” she replied, not looking up from the page.

  Julian wasn’t bothered by her refusal to cooperate. She looked even more beautiful when she wasn’t facing the camera and her attention was on something she visibly loved.

  “Alana?” Julian called out to her. “I want you to know if you ever wanted to lay low for a while, you could take time off from work and stay at my place. I’d be more than willing to help you out. If you ever wanted a different job, a different address, a fresh start…I could give you that.”

  “Why would you do that for me?” She didn’t sound upset by his offer. Merely surprised.

  “Because I care for you and I don’t want anyone to harm you. I want you to know you have options.”

  “Thank you. Thank you for giving me an opt
ion and for leaving it up to me to decide.”

  “I know if I tell you I want you to stop going to the club, quit your job, and stay at my place, you’ll say no.”

  “You’re right on that.”

  “Will you think about it, though, and then tell me what you want to do?”

  “I will, Julian. I promise.”

  Removing her glasses, she kneeled on the floor, between his legs. Julian caressed her cheek with his hand and kissed her lips, affectionately at first. Soon the kiss became eager, more assertive and he cradled her nape on his open palm, keeping her face close to his. Alana broke the kiss and while she held his gaze, he felt her hands slide down his torso and stop over his erection. She fondled him over the thick fabric of his jeans and Julian bit his lower lip.

  “There aren’t security cameras on the third floor,” she said, unbuckling his jeans.

  As he felt her mouth on him, Julian threw his head back and knocked over a large pile of books. He cursed under his breath but Alana didn’t stop. Gathering all of her hair with his hand, he held it in his closed fist as her head moved up and down. Julian usually used his hold on her hair to control her movements. Enjoying it deep and rough, her gagging sounds and the tears spilling down her cheeks from the strain always fueled his arousal. But this time he simply held her hair up for her, allowing her to be in control.

  Pulling him out of her mouth, she looked up, saliva dripping down her chin and onto him.

  “You’re so fucking good at this,” he whispered, breathing hard.

  He saw Alana pick up the forgotten camera from the floor and, while she continued to stroke his erection with her tight fist, she began to take pictures of him.

  “Don’t.”

  Julian became aware of the voices on the floor below and Alana placed a finger to her lips, a warning sign for him to stay quiet. Leaning closer, she kissed him. “We’ll hear if they come up the stairs. Close your eyes and enjoy. I want you to come in my mouth. I want to swallow you.”

  In his sprawled position over the toppled books, with his briefs by his ankles and dust sprinkled all over his coat, Julian wanted to abandon himself to the feeling of her lips and tongue on him. The voices downstairs continued and he hoped they didn’t decide to climb the stairs to the top floor. Should they do so, he wouldn’t have the strength to move. They would be caught.