No Heaven, No Hell

by J. T. Brindle

  Lianne reached out to pick up his unbandaged hand. Raising it to her face, she caressed it there. ‘You forget,’ she reminded him, ‘so far, I’ve only been allowed to see her once. But I’ve had a reply back from the authorities, and I can see her again, this weekend coming.’ She stroked his thick dark hair, gently pushing it back from his forehead. ‘I’ve already told you what she was like the last time.’ The memory was shocking. ‘She was fine, doing well, and filled with remorse,’ she lied.

  The truth was, Ginny didn’t say a single word the whole time her sister was there. Instead she sat in the chair and stared out the window, her beautiful dark eyes haunted. Whenever Lianne spoke, she would snatch her head round and stare at her, as though she would like to rip out her throat. When, in a startling move, she lashed out at Lianne, with her fingers crooked like the claws of an animal, the warden quickly intervened and took her away.

  ‘When you see her…’ The tear grew plump and round, slithering to the pillow.

  ‘Yes, Daddy?’

  ‘Never mind.’ How could he ask her to relay what was on his mind? That would be too cruel. ‘Have you seen your mother?’

  ‘Not yet. I’m going straight after.’

  He smiled, and winced when it hurt. ‘They’ve promised to take me in a wheelchair when I’m out of plaster,’ he told her. ‘The nurses are very good. They carry little messages between us, and they tell me how well she’s doing. They even let me use the phone once. It was good to hear your mother’s voice.’ He smiled with pleasure. ‘But she sounded strange, kind of muffled.’ He pointed to his neck. ‘Moving is hell. Even to speak into a phone.’ He was quiet for a minute. ‘She shouldn’t have done this,’ he groaned. ‘Why would she do such a thing?’

  ‘Do you want me to tell her anything?’

  ‘Tell her she must be brave. Tell her not to hate herself for what she did to me and your mother. We’ve forgiven her. Tell her that.’

  Lianne felt a little rush of anger. ‘I didn’t mean Ginny.’

  He rolled his eyes to the ceiling, his mouth set in a grim line. ‘Sorry. You can tell your mother that I love her, and miss her. It will be good to see her with my own eyes.’

  ‘I’ll give Ginny your message, too.’ She wanted to make amends for being angry.

  ‘If you like.’ He fleetingly touched her hand. ‘Are you happy with Dave’s family?’

  Lianne smiled at that. He was interested in her after all. ‘They’re very good to me,’ she said.

  ‘Have you decided about going back to school after the summer?’

  ‘I won’t be going back.’ It was on the tip of her tongue to tell him about the baby.

  ‘You’re looking for a job, is that it?’

  ‘Would you mind very much?’

  He considered for a while, before replying in a soft, almost inaudible voice, ‘Lying here, you get to think a lot.’ The nightmare never ended. ‘Who am I to say what you should do with your life?’

  ‘You’re my father. Ginny’s too.’ The question spilled out without her even realising: ‘Is she really insane?’

  He turned his eyes towards her. There was such sadness there that it squeezed his heart. ‘I want you to go now, sweetheart,’ he said. And he hated himself.

  ‘Are you tired?’ He looked tired, haunted. Like Ginny, she thought. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t come to see you every day,’ she reluctantly suggested.

  His eyes flickered with horror. ‘No! I want you to come and see me, every single day.’ When she was here he knew she was safe. When she was away from him he could never be sure.

  ‘If you only knew how I watch that door every morning,’ he revealed. As if to allay her suspicions, he changed the subject. ‘Remember to tell your mother… keep herself beautiful for me.’

  ‘I will.’

  She kissed him and pressed her face close to his. No more words. It was all said.

  The doctor had a moment to spare. ‘Your father’s doing very well,’ he assured her. ‘Tomorrow we’re taking the plaster off, and after that he’ll be doing physiotherapy to strengthen the muscles.’

  Lianne was delighted. ‘How long before he can come out?’ She would have said, come home. But they had no home.

  ‘Now, now, don’t be too hasty.’ He liked this young woman. In spite of everything, she always had a bright smile for the staff. ‘Your father’s legs were shattered. We had to use pins just to hold the bones together. Oh, he will walk again, probably even without much of a limp. But it won’t happen overnight.’ Rubbing his chin, he said consideringly, ‘Taking into account the damage to his spine, a month, maybe longer. Each patient is different.’

  ‘Will he be crippled?’

  The doctor could at least be honest. ‘No, he won’t be crippled. But, as I’ve already explained, although thankfully none of the damage is permanent, a full recovery won’t happen overnight.’

  Her mother’s specialist had a very different story: ‘Your mother suffered second-degree burns to the whole of her back and legs. She’ll recover, but I’m afraid the scars will always be with her.’

  A short time later, Lianne walked through the glass-topped tunnel that led to the new burns unit. In the stark, white room, she sat at her mother’s bedside, watching while she slept, still not able to believe that this catastrophe had fallen on her family. Liz looked so pretty, so still and quiet in her empty slumber. While the tragedy was unfolding, she had been cosseted in the arms of her man. Unlike Jack, who was conscious throughout, she was spared the trauma of living through every terrible moment.

  ‘Lovely, isn’t she?’ The nurse came in softly. ‘Like a child,’ she said. ‘So small and delicate.’ She checked the dressings and changed the drip and still Liz slept on. ‘Try not to disturb her,’ she asked. ‘She needs all the sleep she can get.’

  After the nurse had gone, Lianne silently regarded her mother. ‘Like a child,’ she repeated softly. Until just recently, Liz had been drip-fed, and as a result had grown very thin. She had only just begun eating solids again, but the high cheekbones were still prominent, and the arms were pathetically small. With her pale, flawless skin and shining brown hair she looked years younger than Lianne remembered: not at all like the mother who yelled at them to come and get their breakfast, or put their shoes away, or drop their dirty clothes in the linen bin.

  Suddenly, it was too much to bear. Leaning forward, she folded her arms on the blanket and laid her head down. When Liz winced in her sleep, she whispered brokenly, ‘Forgive me, Mum. Please… forgive me.’ She didn’t know why, but she felt it was all her fault.

  Lying on her stomach, Liz appeared at first glance to be unhurt. Her face and arms were clean and glowing. It was only when the nurse lifted the blankets to check her that Lianne saw her mother’s lower neck and entire back swathed in bandages. She could only imagine the raw flesh beneath.

  Talking as though to herself, Lianne revealed how Mrs Martin had got her a part-time job at the newsagent’s, and how Mr Martin said they should get a discount off their newspapers now. She told how Dave had done so well in his temporary job as a driver for the local garden centre, that they had given him a new van.

  ‘Bigger than the bakery vans,’ she said proudly. ‘He’s earning a good wage, and he really enjoys the work.’ Careful not to betray the secret that only she and now Mrs Martin knew, she said anxiously, ‘I think he means to give up the idea of college, but I won’t let him do that. He has it in him to make a fine doctor. It would be a sin and a shame if he threw it away.’

  After a while, she grew tired of talking to herself. Taking the notepad and pen out of the bedside cabinet, she scribbled a note and propped it up on the fruit bowl where her mother would be able to read it:

  Hello, Mum,

  I didn’t want to wake you, so I’ll see you tomorrow.

  I’ve been to the bakery again, and everything is all right. Fred says the accountant visited, and that he was very pleased.

  Daddy sends his love, and so do I.

&nb
sp; Miss you Mum. See you tomorrow.

  Lianne.

  xxx

  As she leaned over to kiss her, she whispered, ‘I’m so sorry, Mum. It was me that made Ginny angry. If only I’d known what she meant to do, I might have been able to stop her.’ At the back of her mind was the knowledge that once Ginny made up her mind, no one could stop her. Still, she somehow felt responsible.

  When the door closed quietly behind Lianne, Liz opened her eyes. ‘Not your fault,’ she said. ‘It’s his fault, and mine… for creating a monster.’ Too afraid to think, she closed her eyes and sank into a deep, replenishing sleep.

  On Friday evenings, Mrs Martin watched the television. Her husband paid his once-a-week visit to the local pub, where he played darts, drank a slow pint and caught up with men’s gossip – mostly soccer, work, and the state of the nation.

  Lianne and Dave walked in the lazy heat alongside the canal, talking lovers’ talk, and planning a future. ‘I hope you don’t want me to get down on one knee,’ he said, drawing her into the shade of a tree, ‘but I wondered if you might like to get married?’

  Lianne was taken aback. Half-expecting him to raise the idea of marriage, she thought she had prepared herself for it, when in fact she was knocked over. ‘Are you serious?’ she laughed. ‘You really want us to get married?’

  ‘Wouldn’t ask you otherwise.’ Parting her lips with the tips of his fingers, he put his mouth to hers and tenderly kissed her.

  When he drew away, his hand remained on her face, gently stroking, caressing. ‘I won’t take no for an answer,’ he whispered, his cocoa-coloured eyes smiling into hers. ‘I know all the old arguments… that we’re too young, or we have no money. We love each other, that’s all that matters. The rest will follow.’ He leaned forward, so close he could touch his lips to hers without even moving. ‘You do love me, don’t you?’

  ‘You know I do.’

  ‘No argument then.’

  Lianne had to be certain. ‘Everything you said… about us being too young, and having no money. It’s true just the same.’

  ‘Not insurmountable,’ he declared, with a firm shake of the head. ‘As for being too young, we’ll just have to grow older a bit quicker. And we won’t be poor for long, because I’ll work hard to get us the things we need.’ Anticipating her next argument, he went on, ‘I’m sure Mum will let us stay there until we have our own place.’ He grew excited, afraid to lose her. ‘If you don’t like the idea of living with the in-laws, I’ll make enquiries about places to rent.’

  She had to admire him. ‘You’ve obviously thought it through.’

  ‘You bet I have. I won’t risk losing you. I don’t want anyone else. I never will.’ Putting both his hands on her shoulders, he held her so hard she couldn’t move. ‘I love you, Lianne.’

  ‘I love you too.’ She wondered how she could tell him that she was carrying his child. Should she tell him now? Later? Would he feel trapped? Would he hate the idea? Would it only serve to make him all the more determined to work, rather than study? In that precious moment, when he looked at her with such intensity, wanting her to say yes, willing her to give all, she could not meet his gaze.

  His heart fell like a stone inside him. ‘Tell me,’ he urged. ‘There’s something else on your mind, isn’t there? Tell me, Lianne.’

  The two things uppermost in her mind were the baby, and college. She chose to keep one to herself, and reveal the other. ‘I would never marry you if it meant your giving up the idea of being a doctor.’

  He reeled back as though she had slapped him in the face. ‘Then you’re making things impossible,’ he argued. ‘I can’t go to college, and earn a wage to keep us as well.’

  ‘Then we’ll wait until you leave college.’

  Horrified, he stared her out. ‘You’re talking years!’

  ‘I know.’ She also knew she had done the right thing in keeping quiet about the baby.

  His smile was a bitter one. ‘Are you really prepared to wait that long?’

  ‘If I have to.’ Somehow she would manage, God willing.

  ‘I see.’ He began walking, waiting for her to follow. ‘You say you love me, but you don’t mind waiting five… maybe six years for us to marry?’

  She was almost running to keep up with him. ‘If that’s how long it takes.’

  ‘What if I say I don’t want to go to college? What if I tell you I had already changed my mind about being a doctor?’

  ‘I wouldn’t believe you.’

  They walked home in silence, angry with each other, angry with themselves. ‘Think about it,’ he told her, as they went into the house. ‘If you love me enough, you’ll let me make the choice.’

  Lianne was considering her answer when Mrs Martin called out from the living-room. ‘Come in here, you two,’ she said. ‘I’ve been on my own too long, and I feel like a chin-wag.’

  Dave gave Lianne a quick kiss. ‘Sorry,’ he said.

  ‘So am I,’ she replied. ‘I don’t mean to be bossy.’ Then, to his frustration, she muttered, ‘But I meant every word I said. Give up college, and you give up me.’ In her heart she knew he still wanted to be a doctor. If he let that go for her, she would never forgive herself.

  On the first Sunday in July, Lianne went to see Ginny.

  Dave insisted on accompanying her. ‘After what happened last time, I want to be there,’ he told her.

  Lianne didn’t argue. Instead she merely asked that he be careful not to antagonise Ginny with his presence. ‘She was never happy about me being with you,’ she confessed, ‘so if you’d stay in the background, I’d be grateful.’ She would be more than grateful, she thought. She would be safe.

  Mr Martin made the generous gesture of offering them his precious Hillman Avenger for the day. ‘And mind you don’t scratch it,’ he warned.

  Dave was shocked but delighted. ‘I passed my driving test ten months ago, and you’ve never once let me borrow your car,’ he declared. ‘What’s so different now?’

  His father studied him through proud eyes. ‘Because you’ve had the good sense to bring home a young woman like Lianne,’ he said, giving her a warm smile, ‘and she’ll make certain you return my car unscratched.’ He then opened out his newspaper and returned to his reading. As they went out the door he called to them, ‘No canoodling in the back, mind. And wipe your feet before you step on my carpets. They cost me five bob at Halfords.’

  ‘He’s a fusspot, but his heart’s in the right place,’ Mrs Martin remarked as she saw them off. Dipping into her purse, she gave Dave a couple of pounds. ‘Make sure you don’t run out of petrol,’ she told him. To Lianne she gave a parting kiss. ‘Don’t you worry,’ she murmured, ‘things have a way of straightening themselves out.’

  Lianne knew what she meant. She meant the baby. And Dave. And Ginny too. She meant, ‘Take care. Don’t let her hurt you. And don’t be afraid of the future.’ In that moment, Lianne loved her dearly. But she wanted her own mother. However kind and thoughtful others might be, there was no real substitute for your own flesh-and-blood mother.

  The car ran smoothly all the way. Along the Leighton Road and out towards Buckingham. Through the little market town, and on to the outskirts. The journey from home to the clinic took an hour; now they were travelling up the drive, and there it was, looming before them in the brilliant sunshine, a vast building of Victorian design, with rambling gardens and a wide imposing entrance.

  ‘Don’t be nervous.’ For most of the journey, Dave had been quiet, concentrating hard on the road, and getting used to his father’s car.

  Now, as the miles were covered and they drew closer, he felt more relaxed. Taking one hand from the steering wheel, he gripped her small fingers in his. ‘I’ll be with you every step of the way.’

  Lianne, too, had been deep in thought, with little to say. Now, though, there it was, standing before them like Judgement Day, a place where the mentally disturbed were housed, a place unjustly feared by outsiders.

  Reliving the
last time she was here, Lianne could feel herself trembling. ‘I’m not nervous!’ she snapped. ‘Why should I be nervous of seeing my own sister?’ She glared at him, not knowing how to tell him she was afraid.

  Dave wasn’t offended by her sharp tongue. Though he sensed the deep ties between these two, he had never really understood it. Lianne was soft and loving, while Ginny was hard and cruel. They could not be more different. Yet there was a unique bond between them that left everyone on the outside. ‘I didn’t mean to suggest you were nervous of seeing Ginny,’ he lied. ‘I just thought you might be worried about going inside, that’s all.’ He squeezed her hand. ‘It won’t be like last time,’ he promised. ‘She won’t want to hurt you.’ She’d better not try, he thought, or she’ll answer to me!

  ‘You’re right,’ Lianne admitted. ‘I am a little nervous. And I had no right to snap at you like that.’

  He turned into the car park and slowed to a halt. Wrenching on the brake handle, he switched off the motor and leaned over to kiss her. ‘Friends?’ he asked sheepishly.

  Her pretty face broke into a grin. ‘Friends!’ she said. They got out of the car and walked hand-in-hand through the car park, up the wide steps to the front door and over to the desk. ‘We’ve come to see my sister,’ Lianne announced.

  The nurse on reception remembered her from the last time. It wasn’t unusual for a patient to attack their loved ones in such a violent manner, but this young woman had been extra good with her sister, gentle and caring, wanting only to be with her. It was always sad when a meeting ended in violence.

  She thumbed through the appointments ledger. ‘Virginia Lucas… and you are Lianne?’Her smile was brighter than a summer’s day. ‘And this must be David Martin, the young man you rang about?’ Whenever the arrangements were changed, there was always a procedure to follow. Lianne had to let them know if she was bringing a second visitor.

  While the nurse filled out the necessary forms, Lianne felt the need to question her. ‘Is Ginny all right?’

  The woman scribbled faster. She had a lot of work to do and it was already eleven thirty. ‘She’s a great deal better,’ she answered, without looking up.