Theo

by Amanda Prowse

  ‘To Angus?’

  ‘Yes, of course to Angus!’ she snapped. She sighed. ‘Sorry, but who else?’ She stepped into her pants and bent down to retrieve her bra.

  Rather than savour the sight of Kitty naked in his room, Theo looked away, almost wishing he could go back to longing for the sight of her nude because when he’d longed for her, wished for this chance, there’d still been hope.

  ‘Who else indeed.’ He ran his palm over his stubbly chin.

  ‘I feel...’ she began. ‘I feel a little... uncertain,’ she mumbled as she fastened her bra.

  ‘Well, I guess that’s something for you to discuss with your... fiancé.’ The word was sour on his tongue. He sat up against the wall and watched her dress, torn between wanting her to go quickly and desperately wanting her to stay.

  ‘I have to go. I’m late.’ She shook her head, flustered, angry. Finally, she slipped into her trainers and made for the door.

  She looked back over her shoulder. ‘Goodbye, Theo.’ She bit her lip and her expression softened into that of the girl he used to know. ‘Today was lovely.’

  ‘Lovely?’ He wrinkled his nose at this inadequate description.

  ‘Well, it was for me.’

  And just like that, she was gone.

  * * *

  It was rare for Theo to cry in this way. If he ever had. Each gulped breath seemed to provide fuel for the next bout of tears. A salty mass sat in his throat, behind his eyes and at the back of his nose. He was utterly consumed by sadness. He wiped his face on his sleeve, then used his palms to mop up what he could, until there was no point and he just let his tears run off his chin and his snot snake down his face. Now that he’d started, he couldn’t stop. Between sobs he let out occasional throaty growls, almost animal-like. A pain hovered in his chest, like indigestion. His heart hurt and his head ached.

  Pushing his arms into a cradle on the tabletop, he laid his head on his forearms and found some relief in closing his stinging eyes in the darkness, crying quietly now. He didn’t hear the key in the door.

  ‘Mate!’ Spud rushed forward, dropped his bag and without hesitation wrapped his friend in his arms. ‘It’s okay. Don’t cry. What’s happened?’

  Theo allowed himself to be embraced, taking comfort from the unfamiliar warmth of another human so close. He opened his mouth to speak, but his breath stuttered in his throat and a new wave of hot tears formed. Instead, he pushed the letter across the table and watched as Spud held it close to his face, devouring every word.

  Spud pulled out the chair opposite and the two looked at each other, both now at a loss for words. Spud reread the note and only then broke the silence.

  ‘Jesus Christ.’

  Theo nodded. Yes, Jesus Christ.

  ‘When did this arrive?’

  ‘Probably this morning. I just got it from the table in the hallway.’ It was the communal dumping spot for all five flats in the building, a dusty place where mail, flyers and such forth gathered.

  ‘Have you called her?’ Spud asked.

  Theo shook his head. ‘I don’t have her number, I don’t know where she lives, plus I will do as she asks.’

  Spud sighed. ‘Oh, mate.’ He picked up the letter and read it a third time, its neat script written in blue ink on white paper.

  Theo didn’t need to read it again. Each word was indelibly etched on his mind.

  Hello, Theo,

  I hope you’re still at this flat. I have thought long and hard about whether to write and what to write, so here goes.

  It was an unexpectedly joyful day when I last saw you. It was a day of escape and I want you to know that I have never done anything similar before or since. I hope you believe me when I tell you that it was special for me. I know how that reads and we both know that alcohol was the catalyst, but there are very few people on earth I trust in the way I trust you, Theo.

  Theo, oh, Theo...

  I’m pregnant.

  I can only imagine what it’s like for you to read these words. Perhaps it feels the same as it did for me, when I found out.

  I thought you deserved to know. It is yours. I want to keep this baby and I’m still figuring out how to make it all work. The one thing I do know is that this is not the path for us, for you and I. We are not those people. I’m marrying Angus soon, in a few weeks, and he is aware. It’s been horrendously difficult for us both. For this reason, I think it only fair that we have no further contact. If our paths should ever cross, please respect my wish for us to never mention this. I beg you, Theo. This is the only way I can build a life. Please.

  I say goodbye now.

  Your friend,

  Kitty X

  ‘A baby.’ Theo shook his head.

  ‘And she’s told her bloke?’ Spud asked softly.

  ‘It would appear so.’ Theo took a deep breath and forced the wobble out of his voice. ‘I realised today that I know very little about her. The real Kitty and the one that has lived inside my head for all these years are probably very different people.’

  ‘I’d say that’s true.’ His friend sighed. ‘I mean, I know you’ve always had a thing for her, but she shagged you knowing she was about to marry someone, this Angus bloke, and she treated you like shit, just upping and leaving. It’s not like it was a one-night stand, a mutual thing – she knew you had history.’

  ‘But that’s just it...’ Theo coughed. ‘It was a one-night stand – well, a one-afternoon stand, to be more accurate. It’s just that one of us didn’t know it.’

  ‘She’s not for you, mate, no matter what comes next. You deserve more, better.’

  Theo looked at his friend. ‘Well, I have no choice, do I? She’s clearly cutting me out of the picture. If it’s a toss-up between Angus Thompson or me as the best possible father for her child, why would she choose me? Even if it is my child.’ Theo closed his eyes and heard his mother’s anguished words. ‘This is the last straw, Peregrine. This is worse even than you cheating on me just after we got married, worse than you fathering that bastard boy, Alexander, worse than all of it!’ That revelation had cut him to the quick – and now here he was in a similar position. He was no better than his dad! This thought was one of the hardest to swallow.

  Theo stood up from the table and reached for the letter. He folded it and tore it and tore it again and again, then dropped the fragments into the pedal bin alongside last night’s pizza crusts and a couple of old tins.

  ‘Do you want to talk? Or go and get pissed?’ Spud offered help in the only way he knew how.

  Theo shook his head. He wanted neither. What he wanted was to go to bed and stay there.

  He climbed beneath his duvet and ran his fingers over the pillow where her red curls had lain.

  ‘I won’t tell a soul. And I don’t blame you, Kitty. You know I don’t know the first thing about being a dad – I’d probably be even worse than my own father. Angus will do a fine job, I’m sure. I will never forget our afternoon together. It was lovely.’

  8

  Theo was aware of a hammering sound. He lifted his head from the pillow and laid it back down quickly. The room spun and he thought he might throw up. The hangover clearly hadn’t finished with him yet. He pulled the duvet up over his naked shoulder and wished whoever was knocking would go away. All he wanted to do was stay there, in his room, hidden from the world. He had nothing to get up for and nothing to look forward to, and it felt easier not to bother. Today, just like every day since he’d received the devastating letter, he woke feeling utterly worthless, unable to shake thoughts of Kitty from his head, wondering how she looked, how she was feeling, whether she knew yet whether she was going to have a little boy or a little girl. His little boy or his little girl. Was she happy?

  The same lines went round and round his brain: I’m going to be a father, someone’s father, the father of Kitty’s child, but they’ll never know me and I’ll never know them.

  He pictured Kitty and Angus Thompson exchanging duplicitous vows and cooing over
the baby. He pictured Angus being the best father, doing all the things he’d wished his own father had done with him; he pictured him teaching the child to ride a bike. It was torturous. But a promise was a promise: he would keep out of Kitty’s life and there would be zero contact. It was best for everyone. It was fruitless to be so preoccupied with it all; he was nothing to Kitty and had absolutely no role to play. After all, what was he to her? Merely the boy she’d sat next to in class. The weirdo.

  Depression had locked Theo in an endless cycle of self-doubt with nothing but a bleak dawn to look forward to each day. He hadn’t been to a lecture or even on to the university campus since he’d received the letter. For weeks now he’d ventured no further than the corner shop or the pub. He no longer cared about his degree, or about anything much. Spud had tried to cajole him into going to his tutorials. He’d tried to persuade Theo that letting his studies slip wasn’t going to help anyone and was a terrible waste not only of all the hard graft he’d put in so far, but of the exciting future they’d discussed. But Theo just couldn’t see it.

  He rolled over and stuffed his head under the pillow, but the banging on the door didn’t let up. Eventually he sat up, rubbed his face and scoured the floor for some clothes to put on. He could hardly open the door in the nude, even if it was probably only Spud. Spying his dressing gown, he shoved his arms into the armholes and fastened the rope belt around his waist. The banging continued. He cursed the fact that Spud repeatedly forgot his keys.

  ‘All right! All right! For God’s sake, I’m coming!’

  He yanked open the door, but it wasn’t Spud on the step. There, in his trademark navy suit, his expression a mixture of disgust and disappointment, stood his father.

  ‘It’s three in the afternoon,’ his father said coldly as he studied Theo, all but tapping his watch face with his index finger.

  ‘Hi, Dad. I know. I...’ He couldn’t think of an excuse quickly enough. ‘Come in.’ He stood back and watched his father’s eyes roam the place. ‘Would you like to sit down?’

  ‘Where exactly do you suggest I sit?’ His father stared at the sofa, hidden beneath a pile of clothing, sauce-splattered plates, chip wrappers and a stack of study notes.

  Theo looked at the mess and felt embarrassed.

  ‘You look dreadful.’ His father spoke without sympathy.

  ‘I was just about to shower.’ Theo gave a short laugh, trying to convey that it was no big deal: his greasy hair and unwashed body were easily fixed. He walked over to the kitchen area, lifted a plate from the sink and looked along the crowded countertop, trying to work out where to put it. At a loss, he shoved it back in the sink.

  ‘You smell like a brewery.’

  ‘That’ll be the beer.’ He knew this would have made Spud laugh; his father, however, just stared at him.

  ‘Do you find this funny, Theo? This the sum total of your life on the planet so far? All that money spent on your education and this is it? Living in a shithole and sleeping the day away?’ He turned his gaze slowly and pointedly around the messy room.

  ‘I...’

  ‘No, let me finish. An education such as you have had is an investment, a huge outlay by me to make sure you have a future. And if you think this is how I saw my investment performing then you are very much mistaken.’ His father shot his cuffs and jutted his chin. ‘A letter arrived at the house yesterday from UCL.’

  Theo looked up.

  ‘Yes, I already know you have missed assignments and yes, I know that it is likely you will not graduate.’ He shook his head. ‘What a bloody waste! Did you think you could lie to us? Pretend everything was just fine?’

  ‘N... no, I...’

  ‘And before you go any further, I was also fascinated to learn that you are no longer studying engineering.’

  Theo’s bowels turned to ice. He’d almost forgotten his parents were unaware he’d changed courses.

  His dad snorted his disdain. Theo decided not to ask who the letter had been addressed to; it seemed pointless and he felt gutless. He couldn’t cope with the interaction, not today.

  ‘I... I didn’t want to lie to you, Dad, and I’ve worked really hard up until this year. My grades were good. And then...’ He paused. ‘Things have... kind of fallen apart for me a bit.’ He rubbed his face.

  ‘What do you expect – sympathy? You’re hardly digging roads – you’re writing bloody essays, sitting in lectures and getting pissed, how hard can it be?’

  Too hard for me. Too much for me right now. She’s having my baby, but she didn’t want me, so she went away. ‘It’s hard for me to explain,’ he began, feeling tears pool.

  ‘Jesus Christ.’ His father ground his teeth and placed his hands on his hips. ‘Get a grip.’

  Theo gathered himself. ‘I... I’ve been thinking that maybe I should apply to do the year again, Dad. I can—’

  His father held up his palm and cut him short. ‘Oh no, Theo. That is not what happens next. Your student days are over.’

  ‘But I’m good at it, Dad. I know that if I—’

  ‘There are no buts! And there’s no more money, no more turning a blind eye to your drinking, your slovenly ways and your bloody deceit. Social fucking policy!’ He was shouting now and Theo was glad Spud was out. ‘I could have predicted this,’ he yelled. ‘You are to pack up your things and come back to Barnes. You’re going to work. You’re going to work hard and you’re going to work for me.’

  ‘But, Dad, I—’

  ‘There’s no discussion. That’s it!’ His father lifted his arms and let them fall back by his sides. ‘I expect to see you home by Saturday and if you don’t show up by then, you’re on your own. Is that clear?’

  ‘Clear,’ Theo managed, feeling powerless, afraid, and humiliated at his dad’s ability to reduce him to this childlike state.

  He watched his father navigate the empty lager bottles and full ashtrays on his way to the front door. As he gripped the handle, he turned round to deliver his parting shot. ‘And for God’s sake, shave before your mother sees you.’

  *

  Theo sat motionless on the sofa and waited for Spud to come home.

  ‘Oh, well, at least you’re up!’ Spud said chirpily. ‘This is progress indeed. What happened, did you wet the bed?’

  In no mood for humour, Theo rushed out the words that had played in his head all afternoon. ‘I... I’ve got to leave, Spud.’

  ‘Got to leave what?’

  ‘The flat. Uni. Everything.’

  ‘What are you talking about, mate?’

  ‘My dad was here.’ Theo looked down, feeling swamped by the shame of having failed to stand up to his father or be honest with him. ‘He says I have to go and work for him. He knows I’m not going to graduate. They sent a letter to my home address and he opened it.’

  Spud sank down on the other end of the sofa. ‘How do you feel about that?’

  ‘Like a fish in a barrel. I can’t see a way out.’

  ‘It’ll be okay, mate.’ Spud gave him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. ‘You’re in a bad place right now and maybe this is what you need.’

  ‘How?’ Theo raised his voice, angry not at his friend but at the feeling of utter hopelessness that engulfed him. ‘How is this what I need?’

  ‘As much as I don’t want you to go, right now you’re so close to the edge, you’re only just surviving. Some structure might be good for you, give you something else to think about. There has to be more for you than this, Theo,’ Spud said softly.

  Theo nodded, unable to voice exactly how he felt or what he needed.

  * * *

  Stella Montgomery poured the thick black coffee into the china mug and set it on the breakfast bar. ‘This is such an exciting day, darling!’ she trilled.

  Her cheerful tone grated on Theo’s nerves. ‘It is?’ He bit into his toast and loosened the tie at his neck. It was three years since he’d worn a collar and tie and he’d forgotten how much it felt like he was being strangled.

  �
�Daddy is very excited about taking you to work.’

  ‘He has a funny way of showing it.’ Theo sipped his coffee. ‘And you make it sound like a day out, an adventure, but it’s my whole life we’re talking about here.’

  ‘It is your life, of course, but it’s right that you take an interest in the business that will be yours one day. And there’s no better time to start than the present.’ She lit her cigarette and took a deep drag, leaning back against the countertop. ‘There are a million boys who would give their eyeteeth to be in your shoes! Goodness me, a lovely job with your father, and a lovely home here. There’s no reason for you to feel fed up. And let’s not forget that you failed university. It’s not as if you have a stellar academic career beckoning – you didn’t even finish!’ She turned and flicked her ash into the sink and ran the tap to dispose of the evidence.

  Her words were like a punch to the gut for Theo. ‘I know I went off the rails a bit, Mum. I... I’ve been really low – not just fed up but... There was this...’ Theo stopped himself right there as the memory of his mother’s cruel laughter that night at La Grande Belle filled his head. She wouldn’t understand about Kitty; he couldn’t bear it if she trivialised how he felt and once again laughed away his upset. Better to stick to more neutral ground. ‘I loved my course. I had a plan, kind of. I wanted to work in housing policy – you know, do something relevant – and I wanted to carry on living with Spud, my friend.’

  He fought back his emotion at the mention of Spud, who’d looked so downcast as he’d taken down his posters and packed up his case ready for a new bloke to move in. A bloke like Wilson, or Angus Thompson or his half-brother Alexander, a decent bloke who’d be fun to be around and wouldn’t lie in bed feeling sad the whole time. A bloke who would graduate and flourish. A bloke who would one day make a brilliant dad. Not a weirdo.

  ‘What kind of a name is Spud?’

  Theo finished his coffee and left the room, hating how Spud’s name was the one thing his mum had taken from that conversation. Was this to be his life? This half life, doing what his parents told him instead of following his heart? Once he set foot in Villiers House, in this suit, he’d be as good as clocking on for life, and that would be that.