‘Didn’t you ever want to learn?’
‘Which thing?’
‘Both, I guess!’
‘I suppose I did at one point, but swimming just felt wrong!’ She wrinkled her nose with displeasure. ‘And there was never any chance of me getting a bike, so I guess it would have been a bit pointless.’ She tucked her hair behind her ears and seemed to consider this. ‘But there are lots of things I wanted to do and didn’t get the chance to – riding a bike was just one of them.’
‘What things?’ He was genuinely interested. He was attracted to her soft cockney accent and wondered where her thoughts had landed – she looked a million miles away.
Anna sighed and folded her hands neatly in her lap. ‘Well, I would have loved to have gone to university. My grades were good enough, but...’ She paused. ‘It just wasn’t possible.’
‘Why not?’
She exhaled and hesitated. He guessed she was weighing up how much to share on this, their first date. ‘I was in care for part of my life and that kind of reduces your horizons, your expectations. The things I wished for were pretty simple, really. To stay safe, to keep out of the way of people who didn’t like me... That sort of thing. I tried not to look too far ahead.’
Theo tried hard to mask his shock at hearing this. She’d been in care! He couldn’t imagine it. They were from such hugely different worlds, but there was something about her that struck a chord. A sort of loneliness in her voice when she talked about her past, and a resilience.
‘I can understand that.’ He coughed to clear his throat, nervous about what he was going to confess, the shame of it; it was something he never normally shared. ‘I went to university, but I didn’t graduate.’
‘Why didn’t you graduate?’ She held his gaze, her eyes steady and her expression non-judgemental.
‘A number of factors. For a start I wasted the first couple of terms on a course I didn’t want to be doing, engineering, when the thing that really interested me was social policy. So I switched, which was good, erm...’ He faltered, searching for a way to phrase his story that wouldn’t give too much away.
‘Please don’t tell me you were one of those students who couldn’t possibly study until he had alphabetised his books and cleaned his whole apartment and made an apple pie! Whereas what you actually needed to do was get down to the studying! Or did you just get drunk and sleep?’ She banged the table playfully. ‘Was that it, Theo? Were you a lazybones?’
‘Well, you’re probably right about the avoidance tactics, though cleaning my apartment and making an apple pie are a little wide of the mark.’ He smiled, thinking of how he and Spud had collected empty bottles of beer and lined them up around the edge of the room. He couldn’t remember why they’d considered this to be a good idea. ‘And actually I worked really hard, got good grades.’ He paused.
‘I feel a “but” coming on,’ Anna said.
‘And you’d be right.’ He ran his tongue over his lips. Memories of that time were still painful.
‘I kind of fell apart a bit.’
‘Well, that happens.’ She spoke softly. ‘My brother had issues and it wasn’t his fault, not really.’
She seemed to be close to tears and this new vulnerability made Theo’s heart flex with tenderness and longing.
‘I think we all go through things that shape us. I’ve always felt like an outsider.’ She lowered her voice. ‘I don’t have tons of friends and I’m quite private. You just have to hope that when your time is over, you’ve lived a largely happy life, no matter that you had to dodge puddles of shit along the way.’
Theo laughed. ‘I like that! And I myself have had to dodge some very large puddles of shit.’
‘Does it bother you that you didn’t graduate?’
Again, he liked her lack of guile. ‘Not really, not now. Or maybe a little bit, sometimes.’ He looked up at her. ‘I’m definitely in the wrong job, though. I still daydream about working for social change, doing something that’s not just concerned with maximising profits. I don’t know...’ He laughed to mask his embarrassment.
‘Well, you’re still young, you can do whatever you want. There’s still plenty of time.’
‘Yes.’ He smiled at her. If only time really was the only barrier. ‘I guess there is. Not graduating feels a little irrelevant now, but back then it felt like the end of the world.’ He never wanted to go through that again – the taking to his bed and not wanting to wake up, the deep, black depression. ‘I liked being a student, liked that life, but...’
‘But life had other plans?’
‘Actually, no, my father had other plans, but that’s a whole other story.’ He drummed his fingers on his thighs and reached for his pint.
‘Well, I’m rather glad that your dad had other plans, or you would never have been in that lift and we wouldn’t be sitting here now and there is absolutely nothing on the telly tonight.’ She grinned.
‘I’m glad to be a diversion.’
Anna smiled at him again, her beautiful, open smile. ‘I think it’s wonderful that you want to do a job that’s for the greater good and not just chasing cash like so many people. I felt your kindness today in that lift. It made all the difference to me, more than you could know, and I get the feeling you can do anything you put your mind to, Mr Montgomery. There’s something special about you.’
Theo stared at her, wondering if she knew what those words meant to him. She thought he could do anything he put his mind to! Him, the weirdo! Only she didn’t make him feel like a weirdo. She made him feel... special.
‘To puddles of shit!’ She raised her glass.
‘To puddles of shit!’ he echoed and they both drank.
She wiped her mouth and reached for her purse. ‘Same again?’
‘I’ll get them.’ He made to stand.
‘God, no!’ She stood. ‘You got the last ones. You should know I’m a girl who likes to pay her own way.’
* * *
‘Hello, is this the correct telephone number for Mr Theodore Montgomery? Lover of Guns N’ Roses, sore loser at Uno and lightweight when it comes to necking pints at speed?’
Theo laughed into the receiver. ‘It might be. Who’s asking?’
‘My name is Spud and I used to be his best friend, but he seems to have gone to ground and the carrier pigeon I sent out has returned empty-handed, so I’m trying this number as a last resort.’
‘Very funny.’ Theo sat back in the chair behind his desk.
‘How you doing, mate?’
‘I’m...’ Theo’s grin pre-empted his reply. ‘I’m great!’
‘And does this or does this not have something to do with the mysterious Anna Cole you mentioned in our last chat?’
Theo laughed, loudly. ‘What can I say? She’s...’
‘She’s...?’
‘She’s bloody brilliant!’
‘Bloody brilliant? High praise indeed. How long have you been seeing her?’
‘Three or four weeks.’
Spud roared his laughter. ‘That is funny! I know you know exactly and you’re just trying to sound cool! “Three or four weeks!”’
Theo joined in the laughter. ‘All right, you bastard. Four weeks to the day. Happy now?’
‘Over the bloody moon!’ Spud guffawed. ‘You sound different.’
‘I feel different,’ Theo admitted. He looked up and out of the window. It was a grey day, but thinking of Anna made it feel like sunshine.
‘So it’s pretty serious?’
‘I’d say so.’ He grinned at the understatement. ‘I feel like...’
‘Go on! You feel like...?’
‘I feel like she could be the one.’
‘The one! Jesus, Theo, this is epic news!’
They both chuckled down the line.
‘I’d say Operation Erase Kitty has finally been achieved. Took a little longer than expected, maybe, but we got there in the end.’
‘It’s completely different – real and brilliant and mutual!�
��
‘So, sex good?’
‘None of your business!’ Theo smiled.
‘That’ll be a “yes” then. Met her folks?’
‘No folks to meet. Both dead and she’s pretty much looked after herself – she’s a tough cookie, got her head screwed on.’
Spud exhaled slowly. ‘Mate, I have to tell you that while that is undoubtedly sad, I have had Kumi’s mum here for the last month, so the thought of hooking up with an orphan is pure genius.’
Theo laughed. ‘That bad?’
‘Worse. I made the mistake of reminding them that Kumi is not ill, just pregnant, and that millions of women give birth every day all over the world.’
Theo chuckled. ‘What did they say to that?’
‘I have no idea, but it was loud and furious and went on for a long time in Japanese. Both of them. In stereo. It might still be going on for all I know. Right now, I’d give my left nut for my wife to be an orphan. I’d give my right nut too, but Kumi already has that one in her purse. My life is over.’
‘And yet you sound decidedly happy, considering your dire circumstances.’
‘I am. Bit scared about the whole becoming a dad thing, but I am happy.’
‘You’re going to be a great dad.’
‘Hope so. My parents keep calling me and asking, “What should we get for’t baby? What do babies eat in Japan?” As if this child is going to arrive a fully fledged Japanese–American baby! They seem to forget that she’s going to be half-Wiganer!’
Theo laughed, picturing the conversations with Ma and Pa Spud. ‘I’m happy too,’ he said, wanting to share this with Spud.
‘Anna must be some girl.’
‘She is, Spud. She gets me and she’s a lot like me, even though we’re from very different worlds. She kind of makes me feel better about stuff.’ He sat forward in the chair.
‘What stuff?’
‘Everything, actually.’
There was a beat or two of silence and Theo knew what was coming next.
‘We joke, but have you told her about Kitty, about... things?’
Theo closed his eyes briefly and felt the weight of the knowledge that he knew had to be shared. It sat in his heel like a sliver of glass that no matter how joyous the day or glorious the view, made its presence known with every step he took. ‘No, not yet. It’s hard to find the right time. It’s a bit of a grenade and I don’t want to spoil things.’
‘I get that, and it’s your call, but I think it’ll be easier if you do it sooner rather than later.’
‘You’re right.’ Theo rubbed his face. ‘Anyway, mate, better crack on. Beer soon?’
‘Yep, beer soon, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t!’
‘Doesn’t sound like you do much at the moment.’ Theo laughed.
‘Oh sod off!’
*
That evening, Theo and Anna sat in uncharacteristic quiet as the cab left the City and headed towards Anna’s studio flat in Fulham. It was there, in her tiny, cupboard-sized space, that they did their courting. Little time was wasted on sleep; instead they laid the foundations for all that might come next. Both were high on what the future might bring.
Theo held her small hand and placed their knot of conjoined fingers on his thigh, where it rested comfortably. Tonight was the night. Spud was right: he had to confide in Anna about his child. But what if she despised him for it? Rejected him because of it? The prospect terrified him. The thought that his time with Anna might be coming to an end sent a shiver of sadness along his spine. His leg jumped with nerves.
They walked quietly up the stairs and into Anna’s flat. Anna reached up to flick the light switch. Theo caught her wrist, knowing it would be easier to have the difficult conversation in the darkness. ‘No, leave the light off, we’ll just have the glow from outside.’
‘I... I don’t like the dark,’ she stammered and his throat tightened.
‘Me neither.’ He laughed. ‘But you’ve got me and I’ve got you, so we don’t have to worry. Not tonight.’
‘I don’t worry, not when I’m with you. I don’t worry about a thing. It’s like everything is great in my world and it’s the first time I’ve ever felt that way and I really like it!’
Theo placed his trembling hands on her face and Anna tilted her head to receive his kiss. ‘I... I feel the same,’ he began, peppering his speech with light kisses on her face. ‘It’s like I know everything is going to be okay, because I’ve got you.’
‘You have got me!’ She beamed, nuzzling her cheek into his palm.
‘There have been times when I was so sad...’ He paused. ‘No, more than sad – depressed. I have lived with depression,’ he said frankly. ‘My last terms at uni, they were hell.’
Go on, Theo, tell her! Tell her about Kitty and the baby! Tell her now! Get it out of the way!
‘Oh, Theo...’ Anna’s voice trembled with compassion and for that Theo loved her more than ever. ‘I’m sad you went through that.’
‘I think I’m still going through it, I don’t think it’s really left me.’ He bit his cheek. ‘It engulfed me, knocked me sideways. I’ve come out of that phase, certainly, but it’s like something that’s always there, lurking just around the corner. I get the feeling it’s never very far away.’
She nodded her understanding.
‘But for the first time, I can see light and I guess that’s why I don’t feel as afraid of the dark.’
She met his gaze. ‘You don’t have to be afraid, not any more.’
Theo nodded. ‘This thing that’s going on with us, Anna...’ He hesitated, wary of being the first to confess to the swell of love in his gut. ‘I don’t know what it is, but it’s...’ He exhaled.
‘I know.’ He could hear her voice smiling into the darkness. ‘It really is.’
They kissed again and stumbled towards the bed at the end of her rather tiny living zone.
He did not want to break what they had – this, the most perfect thing he’d ever been part of. This was not the time to tell her about a child he did not know, would never know; not the time to admit that his weirdness had led to Kitty rejecting him as the father of their child. No, this was the time to carry on falling for each other, for not worrying about a thing. He too had never felt this way about anyone and he too really liked it.
* * *
Theo looked at his reflection in the mirror of the office bathroom and stood tall. He took a deep breath.
‘Would you do me the honour...?’ He stopped. ‘I ask this is in all sincerity...’ He shook his head and coughed to clear his throat. ‘Anna, from this day forth...’ He felt the weight of the occasion, overly aware of the pose, tone and words required for asking this most important of questions. He had of course rehearsed before today, but now he was wondering if he should opt for something less formal. Just make it count, Theo. Do it properly.
It was a mere ten weeks since he’d met Anna Cole in the lift, but he knew with certainty he wanted to propose. Truth was, he’d known after one date and had spent the next few weeks looking for flaws, anything to test his suspicion that she was practically perfect. He shook his arms loose and turned his head until his neck cricked, surprised at how nervous he was. His mouth felt dry and his limbs were trembling.
Supposing she says no? What then?
If she said no, they’d be finished, they’d have to split up – they wouldn’t be able to recover from that. The potential for disaster was significant, and that did nothing to allay his anxiety. He took another deep breath. Tonight, when he popped the question, it could be a beautiful moment; the start of a lifelong love, or it could be the worst of moments, the end of everything.
He could only liken it to standing on a cliff edge.
He entered the coffee shop with the advantage of not being seen and looked across at Anna, the woman he wanted to make his wife. The woman who loved him as no one had ever loved him and surely no one else ever would. The woman who, by loving him as she did, diluted his weirdness, robbe
d him of the ‘loser’ crown and turned him into the kind of chap that someone might want to marry. Anna made him feel like a man who was capable of becoming a husband.
As if confirmation were needed, her eyes fell upon him and her face lit up. He knew with certainty that there was no one in the world she wanted to see walk into that coffee shop more than him, and it felt amazing to be so wanted. To belong.
‘So where are we going?’ she asked, as, fifteen minutes later they settled into the back seat of a cab.
‘I told you, somewhere special.’ He smiled at her.
‘I don’t know if I’m dressed right.’ She looked down at her work skirt and blouse.
‘Don’t worry. You look perfect.’ He stared out of the window and tried to stem his nerves.
It wasn’t until the cab drove over Hammersmith Bridge that the penny dropped and Anna realised he was breaking the code of a lifetime and was taking a girl back to his home. She looked at him with a knowing expression. He reached for her hand and the two sat quietly, each lost in thought.
For the hundredth time, he ran through in his head the many ways he might propose, wondering if it was absolutely necessary to go down on one knee, wary of making a fool of himself. After all, this would be a night they’d always remember. He swallowed – that thought did nothing to calm his racing pulse.
Theo paid the cab and retook her hand, guiding her along the gravel path, which crunched underfoot.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked, squeezing her fingers tightly.
Anna stared wide-eyed and he saw the grand façade as if though her eyes. She nodded up at him and that was how they stood for a second or two, in acknowledgement of the moment.
‘Here we are.’
‘Yes.’ She bit her lip. ‘Here we are.’
Theo fished in his pocket for his keys and gently pushed open the front door, elated to have finally found the woman he wanted to step over the threshold with.
*
It did indeed turn out to be a night Theo would never forget. Over a bottle of red, Anna talked freely about her life and her losses. There was no denying that to hear her story of losing first her mother and then her brother, Joe, who’d committed suicide, made him feel even more protective of her. And to top it all, she’d only recently discovered that the father she’d never met had also passed away. She talked fearlessly and frankly. Her story might have been too much for some, but for Theo it served only to bind them closer together.
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