Anna made no attempt to hide her tears. ‘I feel like it’s time,’ she told him, ‘and there is so much I want to say to you. I need you to see me.’
He nodded. ‘I need you to see me too. There is so much I want to say.’ He thumbed the skin on the back of her hand.
‘We are from very different worlds,’ she began.
‘And I thank God for that.’ He leant forward and kissed her gently on the forehead.
‘I’m... I’m weird,’ she managed, pulling away to look him in the eye. ‘I’ve always been weird and I’ve had a weird life. A life I want to tell you about so that I don’t have to worry about revealing it to you bit by bit. I think that’s the best thing, like ripping off a plaster. I need to do it quick.’
Theo pulled her into his chest and held her tightly. ‘Weird? Oh God, Anna, you have no idea...’ He felt a bubble of relief burst inside his head. All these years, the toxicity of his weirdness had formed a barrier that kept other people at arm’s length, and yet with Anna it was the very thing that joined them.
‘I don’t want to be on my own any more!’ She raised her voice. ‘I don’t want to feel like sticks on the river! Like I’m being carried along, clinging on for dear life and hoping I don’t drown.’
‘I’ve got you, Anna. I’ve got you!’
‘I’ve had enough, Theo. I’m tired. I’m so tired of being sad and being scared and lonely! So lonely!’
He kissed the top of her scalp and rocked her until she fell into a sleep of sorts. As she dozed, his confidence soared. They were meant to be together. She had to say ‘yes’!
Later that night, after she’d woken and after more tears, more revelations, and more sadness about her family, her loneliness, Theo blurted out exactly what he was feeling, unplanned and heartfelt.
‘I love you, Anna. I love you.’
‘I love you too. I do, I really love you!’
They fell against each other, laughing, giddy in the moment.
‘I always think you get the people in your life that you’re meant to. I think we’re meant to get each other.’ Anna smiled.
‘I think you’re right. Two weirdos together!’
‘Yes! Two weirdos with the lights left on.’
‘I think...’ Theo paused and reached for her hands, taking them both into his own. ‘I think we’ll get married and live here, together, just like this.’
This was very far from the formal proposal he’d practised so nervously and so many times, but it was no less perfect for it.
Anna couldn’t halt the flow of tears that ran down her cheeks. ‘Yes, Theo. I think we will get married and live here, together, just like this.’
Slowly he stood, pulled her up and guided her by the hand towards the staircase, towards a different life.
*
The next morning, as he came downstairs, he could hear Anna singing in the kitchen. He smiled. She was a little off key and hadn’t quite got the words right. ‘The things you do for love. The things you do for love!’
She was dressed in nothing more than his shirt and socks, and he stood in the doorway watching her fill the kettle, seek out teabags, rummage in the bread bin for a loaf and open several drawers and cupboards until she located butter knives, teaspoons and jam.
It was only when she turned to walk to the fridge that she saw him. She started. ‘Oh! Theo!’ She placed her hand on her chest. ‘I was just trying to make breakfast. Is that okay?’ She blinked, walked over and kissed his mouth.
‘Of course it’s okay. It’s great.’ He took a seat at the kitchen table and watched her navigate her way around the room, thinking how brilliant that he would be waking every day for the rest of his life in her lovely company. ‘I feel smug.’
‘Me too.’ She raised her shoulders and his eyes fell on her exposed thighs as the shirt rode up. She walked over and leant against him, kissing his forehead. It was as if she couldn’t stop. He understood this constant desire for contact. It was new and exhilarating.
‘Smug and peaceful.’ He rested his hand on her bottom.
‘And engaged!’ She pulled a wide-mouthed grin and raised her eyebrows. ‘Can you believe it?’
‘Actually, yes, I can.’ He chuckled. ‘I’d planned what I wanted to say and everything – but then all my plans flew out the window and I got nervous and the words kind of tumbled out on a stream of red wine.’
‘I wouldn’t have had it any other way. It was perfect.’ She carried on with her tea making, only returning to the table when she had two steaming mugs.
She took a seat opposite and held her tea in both hands. ‘Do you know, I always wondered who I might marry. I think lots of little girls do and it feels strange that now I’ve found out. I mean, I hoped it would be you—’
‘Did you?’
‘Yes, from the first time I met you, I hoped it would be you, but now I know it is and it’s wonderful!’
Theo couldn’t stop grinning. He had never felt this special before – ever.
‘I wish my mum had met you.’ Anna sat very still.
‘Would she have approved?’ he asked cautiously.
Anna shook her head. ‘Now that’s a daft question. She would have loved whoever loved me of course.’
Theo wished he had the same level of certainty about his own folks. ‘Well, my mum and dad are a bit challenging at times.’ He smirked at the understatement, wanting to manage her expectations.
‘In what way?’ She blew on her drink to cool it.
Theo swallowed. ‘They’re quite selfish, preoccupied with their social lives. And I guess the older I get, the more I question the way they parented me. I was desperately unhappy at school and they did nothing about it. It would have made my life easier if they’d taken more of an interest or given more of a shit.’
Anna reached out and laid her hand on his. ‘I hate to think of you being unhappy. I absolutely hate it. I wish I’d been your friend. I would have loved you then too. Especially when you were depressed, Theo.’
‘Thank you.’ He kissed her fingers, swallowing his guilt; he had to tell her about Kitty...
‘And if you get low again, I’ll be by your side,’ she offered softly. ‘Sometimes it’s enough just to know you’re not going to have to face things alone, don’t you find?’
Theo’s smile was unstoppable as, yet again, realisation dawned that she’d said ‘yes’!
‘I sometimes think, though, that the rougher you have it, the more you appreciate the good stuff – almost like the nice bits are a reward.’ She continued sipping her tea.
‘That’s a good way to look at things. I find it hard to rationalise. My parents used to act like every day was a party and the world was sharing a joke that I simply didn’t get. But whenever I tried to explain how I felt, Mum and Dad would just laugh, as if I was making a fuss about nothing, as if I was the problem. The onus was always on me to fit in, not on them to help me fit in or give me guidance.’ He smiled ruefully. ‘I could have done with my mum teaching me the alphabet game like yours did, to distract me from my loneliness. It might have helped me get to sleep better those nights in the dorm at school. A... appalling parents! B... bloody awful school... Is that sort of thing allowed?’ He shot her a cheeky grin.
Anna giggled and shook her head in mock despair. Then her expression turned serious. ‘You’re not the problem, Theo! You’re wonderful! I think you’re very brave to be so open about what you’ve been through. And it means a lot. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us. It’s important.’
He held her gaze, letting her words permeate and feeling his shoulders sag under the weight of the secret he carried. He took a deep breath.
‘There is something I would like to tell you.’ He gulped his tea and placed it down with a trembling hand.
‘Go on.’ She nodded encouragingly.
His heart was galloping. He exhaled. ‘I’m not like my dad.’ As soon as the words were out, he felt a punch of sickness in his gut, because he was like his dad! They had b
oth fathered children and swept them under the carpet, unmentioned, a source of shame... He felt his face flash with heat and the room swam a little. ‘He has often been unfaithful to my mum, including with a much younger girl, a kind of nanny to me during one summer holiday, when I was fourteen.’
‘Shit!’
‘Yes.’ He sat tall in the seat. He felt a strange sense of relief that the truth still lay hidden, out of harm’s way and unable to damage what they had, the love they shared. But there was also guilt that he was letting her down, already defaulting on her ‘no secrets’ request. He wiped the corners of his mouth and sat forward. ‘I tried to tell my mum that I’d support her and look after her, but she just laughed! And then she more or less told me that I was irrelevant to her and that no matter what my dad did, she would always pick him.’
‘Oh my God, Theo!’ Anna raced around the table and laid his head on her chest, holding him tightly and rocking him slightly. It was the most sincere and wonderful hold he had ever known. ‘You’ve carried a lot inside you and you’ve had a shit time, but you know what? You’ve got me now and I love you so very much and I always will and we’re getting married! And everything is going to be wonderful!’ She kissed him hard on the face.
He nodded and inhaled the scent of her. ‘Yes, it is. It’s going to be wonderful.’
‘I look at this wonderful house, Theo, and I know it will be the most incredible place to bring up our children. Not because of how grand it is, but because we live in it and we will never let our children cry themselves to sleep and they will always know how much they are loved. I can see us eating family suppers around the table where we can all chat about our days without fear of ridicule or rejection. A safety net, a proper family! It’s more than I ever thought I could hope for. Mrs Theodore Montgomery!’ She laughed.
‘Mrs Theodore Montgomery,’ he echoed. Theo swallowed the uneasy feeling that despite how much he loved this girl, the proper family she yearned for was still something that felt beyond his capabilities.
*
Later that morning, while Anna was luxuriating in the bath, Theo sat down at the desk in his study. He couldn’t stop thinking about Anna’s alphabet game. He loved this quirk about her, the fact that anyone else would simply let their thoughts tumble, but not Anna: she took control and played the alphabet game, working her way through the letters until mental equilibrium was restored. He flipped open the lid of his vintage pen box, selected a pen and wrote ‘A’ to ‘Z’ in a column down the left-hand side of a fresh sheet of paper. He laughed, wondering what Spud would make of him doing this exercise. With his pen poised, he thought of all the things he loved about Anna, his Anna, Anna who was going to be his wife!
A...
He looked at the window and pictured the girl he loved, before writing in a bold script:
Here we go, Anna, my first ever attempt at the alphabet game...
A... Anna
B... beautiful.
C... courageous. So much more courageous than me.
D... determined.
E... eager.
F... funny.
G... gorgeous.
10
Theo crept out into the garden straight after breakfast, went round to the kitchen window and waved through the glass at Anna, who was peering at the rather unpromising-looking lemon tree she insisted on keeping on the windowsill.
Anna glanced up and shot him a puzzled look. She wiped her hands and came out onto the doorstep.
‘What’s that?’ she asked, pulling her cardigan around her form and nodding in the direction of the shed.
‘What does it look like? It’s a bicycle!’ he beamed, excited.
‘Well, I can see that, but what’s it doing in our garden?’ She took a tentative step closer.
‘I can’t have a wife of mine unable to ride a bike!’ He pulled the bike around and stood with the back wheel between his shins. ‘And now that we have officially been Mr and Mrs Montgomery for, ooh, four months, one week and three days, the time has come to rectify this glaring defect. So come on! Hop on!’
‘No-wer!’ She shook her head, laughing.
‘Come on, Anna! I am going to teach you how to ride this bike. It’ll be fun.’
‘No, you are not.’ She bit the inside of her cheek. ‘And it won’t be fun. It’ll be rubbish.’
‘I thought it was sad that no one had ever taught you how, and it bothered me that you never thought you would have a bike. I intend to put both of those things right.’ He reached forward and patted the leather saddle. ‘And before you know it, we’ll be biking all over the place with a flask of tea in your basket and a picnic.’ He thought of Mr Porter and the delicious sandwiches packed into his knapsack.
‘That is really, really sweet of you, and I love the idea of it, but I think you might be confusing me with someone out of an Enid Blyton novel. I can’t do it. I will fall off. I’m useless at stuff like that.’
‘How do you know if you have never tried?’
‘Because, Theo, I twist my ankle if I wear heels, I trip up kerbs and I can’t navigate a turnaround door!’
He looked at her quizzically. ‘A revolving door?’
‘Yes! See, I don’t even know what they’re called!’
‘Come on, Anna, I won’t let you go, I promise.’ He beckoned to her gently and held her gaze as she walked from the step, down the path and towards the bike. He liked the way she ran her fingers over the green-painted frame and smiled, as if coming round to the idea.
‘You got this for me?’ She bit her lip.
‘I did.’
‘Thank you, Theo. You love me, don’t you?’
‘I do.’ He felt the surge of love for her in his chest.
Anna moved a step closer and looked at the pedals.
‘That’s it! Now climb on.’
She did as she was told, gripping his shoulder tightly as she gingerly put one leg either side of the metal frame and placed her foot on one of the pedals.
‘It’s going to wobble, Theo!’ There was no mistaking the slight edge of panic to her voice. ‘I don’t like it!’
‘It will, yes, but I’ve already promised you I won’t let you fall.’
He relished the way she looked at him so trustingly. It was lovely to hold her steady and see her almost literally steeling herself for the challenge.
‘That’s it,’ he said encouragingly as she lifted herself up and sat back on the saddle, her feet on the pedals and her hands clenching the handlebars as if her life depended on it.
‘Look at you, Anna Bee Cole! You’re on a bike!’
‘Don’t let go!’ she squealed. ‘Please don’t let go!’
‘I’m going to hold you upright but we’ll move forward, so the wheels will shift but I’ll be holding you at the back, okay?’
‘No!’ Anna screamed. ‘Not okay!’
But he did it anyway and he could tell she didn’t know whether to laugh or cry as she sailed along with him gripping the back of her saddle.
‘See, you’re doing great!’ He beamed. ‘Now we’re going to try the same thing but along the pavement.’
‘Oh God! No, Theo, please, I might hit someone!’ she implored, but without the conviction of someone who was truly afraid. This he took as a sign that she was more willing than she cared to admit.
He steered the bike along the path until it was lined up with the wall at the front of the garden. He started to walk, still guiding her from behind. Her feet kept up with the turning pedals and she began to laugh. ‘I quite like it! Don’t let go!’
‘Don’t worry! I’ve got you,’ he called, running out of puff as the bike gathered pace.
Soon she was going too fast for him to keep up. He stood back and watched with pride as Anna trundled on down the pavement, too focused on pedalling to realise that he wasn’t holding her saddle any longer.
‘Woohoo! This is great!’ she yelled. She turned to her left to smile at Theo, but he was a good few paces behind now, staring after her with a gr
in on his face.
He raised both hands and gave her a double thumbs-up – prematurely, as it turned out. The shock of realising that she was now riding solo proved too great for Anna. She wobbled and lost her confidence. The bike careered into a neighbour’s garden wall and with a mighty clatter Anna toppled over, the bike landing on top of her.
‘Anna!’ Theo called, running to catch up. ‘Are you okay?’ He bent down, moving the bike with his hands and kneeling to examine her scuffed leg with the type of scrape and bruise usually seen on the knees of six year olds.
Anna looked up and kissed his chin, she was breathless, exhilarated. ‘I am more than all right – I can ride a bike, Theo! I did it all by myself!’
‘Yes, you did. You were brilliant. But I think we might leave it a while before we try skateboarding and swimming.’
‘My poor bike, have I damaged it?’ she looked up.
‘Forget the bike. I’d be more worried about the damage to the wall!’ he laughed.
The two kissed, as they sat on the pavement without a care in the world.
*
Springing surprises on Anna was one of the many little pleasures Theo had come to relish about his new life as a married man. The two had fallen into a happy routine, making even the most mundane of chores seem like fun. He felt optimistic about the future when he considered the genuine humour and friendship that bound them like glue. It was very different to the show of unity that his parents felt the need to portray. The loud laughter and almost rehearsed ribbing that was traded back and forth in front of their friends was more than a little staged. It was a nice feeling knowing that when he and Anna were in the car alone or about to fall asleep there was not going to be the roar of anger and resentment that might have simmered all evening and which he had heard his parents voice on more than one occasion. It was a new and wonderful feeling to be at peace.
He couldn’t wait to tell her about the Maldives holiday he’d just booked to celebrate their first anniversary, but whether or not that would be the place to try and teach her to swim, he wasn’t quite sure. He was certain she’d love the Maldives though – she’d never been to the tropics and he could practically hear her squeals of delight. That was part of the joy for him, seeing things through Anna’s eyes. He would tell her that night, he decided, after their dinner date with Anna’s friend Melissa and her husband Gerard.
Theo Page 14
