Theo

by Amanda Prowse

  If our paths should ever cross, please respect my wish for us to never mention this. I beg you, Theo. This is the only way I can build a life. Please.

  I say goodbye now...

  ‘What if, actually, it wasn’t only your call to make, Kitty? Why did I not have a say?’ he muttered under his breath.

  As if on autopilot, Theo freed his hands from his pockets and broke into a run, looking ahead at the traffic lights and thankful that they were still on red. With his eyes trained on the bus, he collided with a group of men, all in suits and all, like him, looking as if they’d enjoyed one or two drinks after work.

  ‘Watch where you’re going, prick!’ one yelled.

  Theo lifted his hand over his shoulder. That would have to be apology enough; he didn’t want to lose sight of the number 53.

  Running and slipping in his smooth-soled brogues on the wet pavement, he raced up the street, overtook the bus and came to a halt at the next bus stop. His chest ached and he had a stitch in his side. He smiled at the driver as he boarded, flashing his travel card and holding the rail as the double-decker pulled away from the kerb. Slowly, slowly he trod the narrow stairs.

  The bus was warm; gloved hands had wiped viewing portholes in its steamed-up windows and the air was pungent with the smell of damp wool. With only a couple of other passengers upstairs, Theo had a clear view of the back of Kitty’s head. Her hair, still red, had dulled a little and she had lopped it off to shoulder length. Suddenly shy, he wondered how he might justify his presence there – what should he say? He also thought of Anna, waiting for him at home, and he swallowed his guilt at having chased the bus for a chance to say ‘hi’ to Kitty. How would he explain that?

  Why was he so keen to see her again? He stopped in his tracks halfway up the stairs, taken aback at the spontaneity of his actions. He was hardly still holding a candle for her. No, it wasn’t that – there was more anger in him now. He wanted... He wanted to show her that she’d misjudged him. Wanted to show her he wasn’t the weedy weirdo she thought he was. Wanted her to see that he’d found happiness too.

  He gripped the rail at the top of the stairs and hovered in the aisle.

  Kitty turned towards the window and looked out at the dark street ahead. It was as he studied her profile and prepared what he might say that a child’s head bobbed up into view on the seat next to her. At this, Theo’s legs turned to jelly. A child! His child!

  He quickly sloped down the aisle and sat down as inconspicuously as possible. His heart beat loudly in his ears and his knees shook. The child was wearing a woolly hat. It was red with a blue band, the kind that a boy or girl might wear. The child’s shoulders were slight beneath its navy duffle coat. Theo recalled owning a similar coat at a similar age and felt a flare of joy at this tiny connection of sorts.

  He was transfixed by the pair, noting their gentle interaction as Kitty bent her head to better hear the soft voice by her side. He was touched by the way she laughed gently, placing a hand against a cheek he couldn’t see.

  It was a surreal situation. The child had to be about ten. His child, his flesh and blood, now sat no more than twenty feet away, but oblivious. Theo glanced towards the staircase and was wondering if he should leave when all of a sudden the child knelt up on the seat and turned to face the back of the bus. Kitty, still looking forward, placed her arm across the navy duffle coat to ensure that her child wouldn’t fall if the bus braked suddenly.

  Theo’s breath caught in his throat as he stared into the child’s face – the face of a pretty, bright little girl. A girl! A little girl! His daughter. She had her mother’s freckles and the same upturn to the tip of her nose, but her dark curly hair, her brown eyes and the shape of her mouth were his.

  She looked like him!

  He remembered Anna telling him how as a teenager she used to flag down taxi drivers on the off-chance, hoping that one of them would be her dad and thinking that she’d instantly know when she found him because looks and shared genes would make it obvious they were father and daughter. You were right, Anna. I am looking at her and she is looking at me and I know, I just know...

  ‘Sit round now, please, Sophie.’ Kitty spoke sternly, loudly.

  Sophie! Sophie! The word rang in his head like a note. His daughter was called Sophie.

  ‘I’m waiting to go round a corner.’ Sophie gripped the back of the seat and leant out towards the aisle, her tongue poking from the side of her mouth.

  Adventurous and fearless – a warrior like your mum.

  ‘You are not going to do that, you’ll fall, so please sit round now!’

  Yes, keep her safe, Kitty, keep her safe.

  Maybe she was drawn by his stare, or perhaps she too sensed the shape of a face she’d known since she was fourteen. Either way, Kitty turned round and looked directly at Theo.

  There was a moment of stunned silence before she placed a shaking hand over her mouth and blinked furiously. Floored by her reaction, having anticipated something different, Theo again looked towards the stairs, wondering now how to leave without making a fuss.

  They were both frozen in shock, anchored to the spot. Theo looked from Kitty to Sophie and she did the same, their frantic stares joining the dots.

  ‘Don’t cry,’ he whispered under his breath. ‘Please don’t cry. I won’t cause any trouble. I didn’t know she would be here.’ She! Sophie...

  Kitty pulled a tissue from her sleeve, dotted her pretty green eyes and wiped her freckled nose. She popped the tissue into the pocket of her voluminous mac and reached into the small space on the floor, from where she retrieved her handbag. Theo noted a wide gold band glistening on the third finger of her left hand.

  The two continued to stare at each other. Then she stretched up and rang the bell. The bus slowed.

  ‘Come on, darling.’ With false brightness and a sense of urgency, she ushered Sophie from the seat, following close behind.

  ‘Why did you press the bell, Mummy?’ Sophie asked, her voice well-spoken.

  The two stopped at the top of the stairs, only inches from him now, both swaying a little, waiting for the bus to come to a halt. They were within touching distance, these two who in another life, if things had been different, might have been his family.

  It was eleven years since he’d last seen Kitty. He noted the creep of fine creases at the edges of her eyes and the fact that her lips had lost some of their fullness. He lowered his gaze and was drawn by the unmistakeable baby bump protruding over the waistband of her jeans. She cradled her stomach protectively. He gave a small smile, thankful that things had worked out with Angus and hoping they shared the happiness he and Anna enjoyed.

  ‘Where are we going, Mummy?’ Sophie laughed. ‘We aren’t at Blackheath yet.’

  Blackheath – is that where you live? Are you heading home?

  Kitty pulled her head back on her shoulders and narrowed her eyes at Theo, warning him to stay quiet. ‘I want to get off now, darling.’ He felt a spike of guilt at the tremor to her voice, the fear in her eyes. ‘We can... We can get the next bus.’

  ‘Why are we going to do that?’ Sophie asked.

  ‘Just because!’ Flustered, she snapped at her daughter in the Scottish accent that had always sounded to his ears like the sweetest music.

  He made as if to rise, indicating he would get off with them, but she gave a single vigorous shake of her head, her mouth set.

  Theo hardly dared breathe. Kitty’s tears gathered again, and she cuffed them with the back of her hand. He smiled at Sophie as she passed and she returned his smile with a curve to her lips that mirrored his own. Her dark, shining eyes fixed on his; eyes that were just like his.

  He listened to the sound of their footsteps and Sophie’s stream of questions, which continued until they were out of earshot. He placed his daughter’s sweet voice in the middle of his memory, knowing he’d probably never get to hear it again. Craning his neck towards the window, he looked down onto the rain-soaked street and saw nothing but darknes
s.

  The bus trundled on. Theo sat for some time before jumping off in an open spot on the outskirts of Blackheath. Unsure of where he was heading or even in what direction, he moved briskly with his hands in his pockets, thankful that the rain had eased and too preoccupied to notice the chill in the air. He looked up at the purple bruise of sky as thunder rumbled over the river in the distance. It felt like an omen. The storm he thought he’d outrun was in fact catching up with him. I must tell Anna. I need to tell her about Sophie.

  Crossing a main road, he found himself heading in the direction of Greenwich Park. And just like that he was crying, sobbing so loudly and with such force it became hard to take a breath. He cried for the fact that his best mate was leaving London for Washington, he cried for Sophie, who would live a life without him, but most of his tears were for his beloved Anna and what he was unable to give her.

  As the strength left his legs, he sat on the kerb, hardly aware of the traffic that flew past. He thought of his Anna, who would be padding around the house waiting for the sound of his key in the door. Beautiful, sweet Anna who had been through so much and deserved so much more than this. Anna, who would give anything to feel the swell of her belly under a mackintosh, her skin stretched with his child, growing inside.

  I’m sorry, Anna. I am so, so sorry. I’m not good enough. You shouldn’t have picked me. Kitty was right; fatherhood is not the path for me. I am not that person. You should have picked anyone but me.

  12

  Theo flattened his tie to his chest and wiped the corners of his mouth with his thumb and forefinger, a habit he’d developed to clear away any stray bits of food or spittle. He knocked and entered his father’s office, which was across the corridor from his own.

  ‘Dad, I—’ He stopped.

  A dark-haired young woman was perched on the edge of the oval table where the board usually met. She abruptly uncrossed her legs and stood up. Her smile faded, as did his father’s. Theo felt self-conscious and unwelcome. It was the feeling he often had with his parents, the sense that he was an unwanted guest for whom no place had been set.

  ‘Sorry, I didn’t realise you had company.’ He kept his eyes on his father, noting the slight flush to the bulge of fat that had recently appeared above his dad’s starched shirt collar. His father wore the glazed expression he always had when in the company of a pretty woman. Theo felt the first stirrings of nausea. ‘I’ll come back later.’ He pointed to the door.

  ‘No, not at all. Theo, this is Marta, our new intern. She’ll be here for the next few months, learning about the world of corporate property. She has a degree,’ he added, as if this was something of a surprise. Theo’s father and his cronies were always wary of women who had both beauty and brains.

  ‘Good for you.’ Theo smiled in her direction.

  Clearly confident in her position, she responded by pulling a face at him that in any other circumstances might have been childish, with the hint of a snarl to her top lip.

  ‘Tell you what, Marta,’ Perry Montgomery said, ‘why don’t you take an early lunch and we’ll see you back here in an hour or so?’

  ‘Thank you. See you in a bit.’ She bobbed her head and left the room, letting her challenging gaze linger on Theo.

  The two men waited until the door had closed behind her before resuming their conversation.

  ‘She’s very smart.’ His father coughed.

  ‘So you said.’ Theo really was heartily sick of his dad’s roving eye and disregard for his mum’s feelings. ‘You know, Dad, any of the heads of department would be happy to show Marta round. You’re the chairman of this company, you don’t have to be so hands on, especially with something that’s of no real benefit.’

  His father stared at him and licked his lower lip. His eyes darted round the room and he seemed to be deciding how best to respond. Then he sat forward with his hands in a pyramid on the leather-topped desk, apparently having chosen to ignore Theo’s comment.

  ‘What was it that you wanted to see me about?’ He pointed to the chair.

  Theo sat. ‘I’ve... I’ve had an idea.’ He felt his confidence ebbing.

  ‘Go on.’ Perry lifted his chin, listening.

  Theo gave a nervous laugh, wary of beginning. ‘This is going to sound a bit leftfield, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while, a slightly different direction.’ He waited for an interjection, a loaded question, but it didn’t come and so he continued. ‘I want to buy an old spice warehouse in the Bristol docklands that’s come up for sale. It’s semi-derelict and surrounded by wasteland, but it’s very close to the redeveloped town centre and the waterfront and I’m sure the whole area is going to explode, which means it will only go up in value.’ He paused, again waiting for his father to comment, but he didn’t. ‘And while we have this beautiful property, while we’re waiting for it to go up in value, I’ve thought of a way that it can do some good too, for the community.’

  A slight smile crossed his father’s lips. ‘Some good for the community, you say?’

  Emboldened, Theo sat forward and, leaning on the desk, he spoke with passion. ‘As you know, Anna is a rare graduate of the care system. She’s strong and special, she’s a success story, but there are so many kids who come out of the care system and fall through the cracks, as if the jump is too big from care home to regular life.’ He recalled Anna telling him about her former roommate, Shania, who’d apparently become homeless and an addict. ‘I want to convert the warehouse into pods, not overly grand or over-engineered but studios that kids leaving care could live in until they’re on their feet and working or studying or whatever. It would be the missing link in the care system and it could make a massive difference.’

  ‘Bristol? What do you know about Bristol?’ his father scoffed, rather missing the point.

  Theo held his nerve. ‘Enough to know that its property prices are rising by a healthy percentage year on year. The rise in equity would be commensurate with some of our lower rental gains in other areas where property values are stagnant. The warehouse would be a valuable asset, but mainly, Dad, it’s the idea of providing these places for kids who need them, kids who are vulnerable. It’s the chance to help turn them into adults with self-esteem, into good citizens. We win, society wins.’

  Perry looked down. ‘And can I ask, did you recite that from one of your textbooks?’

  Theo shook his head and chose not to take the bait. ‘I’m serious, Dad.’

  ‘Warehouses?’

  ‘Yes, once used for tobacco and spice storage mainly, built in the 1800s. They’re crying out for renovation, they’d be perfect for the sort of loft living that’s done so well in London’s docklands.’

  His father sat back in his chair. ‘It’s one thing building flats in the suburbs or remodelling old cinemas within the M25, but sending a crew down to Bristol, out of sight and out of reach? And doing so to satisfy some liberal touchy-feely do-gooder need? It feels like too much of a risk.’ His father took a breath and sized up his son. ‘You need to remember, Theo, that we have close alliances with the planners in London. Very close alliances.’

  ‘Close alliances,’ Theo was all too well aware, was code for the brown envelopes stuffed with cash that were routinely handed over in exchange for permissions granted. These turned risky investments into dead certs and grew the bank balances of petty officials in the process. He had been told long ago that that was just the way things worked.

  He ignored his father’s jibe. ‘I get that, but this feels like an opportunity and I was thinking it might be good to get away from London, breathe some different air and follow my dream of making a difference.’ He let this hang.

  ‘You want to get away?’ His father narrowed his eyes and set his mouth.

  ‘Not get away completely, no, but venture elsewhere... try something new.’ His nerves bit.

  ‘Yes, Theo, of course, why didn’t I think of it? Why would anyone risk investing only in London, one of the world’s property hotspots sinc
e... for ever, when I could convert a warehouse into homes for junkies!’ Perry was on a roll now. ‘It’s bloody genius! And anyway, what would Anna make of you swanning off to Bristol, eh? Wouldn’t she rather you stayed here and grew that family of yours?’

  Theo flinched. His parents did this, used Anna as a bargaining chip whenever the need arose, and yet they made very little effort with her most of the time. But, again, he decided not to bite. ‘I wouldn’t be swanning off.’ He looked into his lap, unwilling to admit that in his father’s expressions he saw more than a hint of amusement at the fact that his marriage, like the rest of his life, was, in his view, far from perfect. ‘I’d be based here but overseeing the project—’

  ‘I won’t be taking it to the board.’ Perry stopped him short, lifting his chin. ‘I just don’t think you have it in you, my boy. After all, your track record, flunking university and all that, doesn’t really inspire confidence, does it? As for Bristol warehouses, well, we’ll leave those for the carrot crunchers to get stuck into!’ He laughed.

  Theo met his stare, frustration bubbling in his gut. He wasn’t willing to roll over just yet. ‘Maybe if I showed you the site plans and explained my ideas—’

  ‘I have given you my answer, Theodore,’ his father cut in, ‘and as far as I know, it is still my name above the door, at least for a few years yet.’ He gave a nasal chortle.

  *

  When he’d got home that evening, all Theo had wanted was supper and sleep. But he’d returned to Barnes to find Anna in a highly emotional state. Her half-sister had just given her a photo of Anna as a baby in the arms of both her father and her mother and, unsurprisingly, Anna had been over the moon about it. Unfortunately, though, this had led on to another discussion about Anna’s desperate desire for a baby of her own. And, as was so often these days, this had developed into a big row, with tears and recriminations and a sense that they were never going to see eye to eye on this.