What She Left Us

by Stephanie Elliot

  “It sounded like he was blaming me all over again for everything, calling everything bullshit and all. And after all we’ve been through, he should know how hurt I am right now. If I was that important to him, he would have handled so many things a lot differently.”

  “Don’t you realize you started this whole mess with him? You’re the one who broke up with him?” Courtney accused.

  “I know, but maybe even though I wasn’t sure what I was doing at the time, maybe it was for the right reasons?”

  Courtney shook her head, “I’m never going to understand you or your way of thinking when it comes to men.”

  “It’s not yours to understand. As long as I understand it.”

  “And do you?” Courtney asked.

  “I think I’m getting closer to figuring things out.” Jenna said. “Now we’ve got to get back and you’ve got to pack up your stuff and sign all your students out for the semester.”

  “I am not looking forward to that circus. It's going to be a mess getting them all out of the dorms.”

  “When is Mitch going home for break?”

  “Well…”

  “Well what?” Jenna lifted her eyebrows at her sister.

  “We kind of talked about him staying at Mom’s during break and him helping out a bit with the clean-up. What do you think about that?” Courtney asked.

  “I think you’re pretty much an adult who can make her own decisions,” Jenna said.

  Courtney smiled. She couldn’t wait to get back to Mitch. She had called him from Chicago and told him everything about Helena. He’d been nothing but supportive, and that’s when they both had come up with the idea of spending winter break together at her mom’s house. It would be a great help to Courtney, and Jenna too, to get the house in shape to finally put it on the market. And he'd have a chance to meet Helena then too.

  “Love you Jenna, you’re the best sister-cousin I could have ever hoped for,” Courtney laughed.

  “Sounds like we’re prime candidates for a reality show, huh?” Jenna laughed and hugged Courtney. “You’re amazing sis. I adore you.”

  Chapter 74

  There was heavy snow falling and the drive from the airport back to school took forty-five minutes longer than it should have. It was past midnight when the taxi dropped Courtney off in front of the dorm. She got out, grabbed her bags and then leaned back into the cab to hug Jenna.

  “I’ll call you tomorrow so we can figure out when we’ll all head for home,” Jenna said.

  “Okay, thanks for everything,” Courtney said.

  “For what?” Jenna asked.

  “For loving me unconditionally, I guess.”

  “Don’t be a dork. And let’s not be dorky about this for the rest of our lives. Let’s be normal okay? We’re sisters. That’s what we are. We’ve always been sisters, even when you’ve been a pain in my ass,” Jenna smiled.

  “Goodnight, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  “Love you,” Jenna said.

  “Me too,” Courtney waved as she made her way up the slippery steps and entered the glass doors to the dorm building. The bright lights contrasted the darkness outside and it took a minute for her eyes to adjust once she got inside the lobby.

  “Need help with your bags?”

  She turned to her left and there was Mitch. Her beautiful Mitch, sitting on one of the thread-bare orange lobby chairs, his guitar in his lap, a Coke can and a pizza box on the table next to him. His smile illuminated his face, and as he moved his guitar to another chair to get up, Courtney felt her whole body go warm.

  “Mitch.”

  “Court.” He said her name like he loved her more than anything in the entire world, like it was the most perfect word in the English language.

  “You’ve been waiting here for me?”

  “Practically my whole life.”

  He took her in her arms and she’d never felt so secure, so loved, so happy. Ever.

  “I’m so glad you’re back.” He ran his fingers through her hair, kissed her neck and both of her cheeks, and then her lips. “I could do this forever.”

  “I might let you,” she murmured into his ear.

  “Good. Very good. But can we go upstairs?” he asked.

  “Definitely, let’s go upstairs,” she said.

  “Perfect. Because up there, I can show you just how much I truly missed you.”

  Chapter 75

  Jenna hadn’t seen Clay since they spent the day at Carina’s Café and she was nervous about how things would be once they saw one another. When she walked into Klippy’s for her last shift before she went home for Christmas, her stomach flipped when she locked eyes with him.

  “Hey Jenna,” he smiled warmly at her from behind the bar.

  “Clay,” she tried to say it smoothly, although her insides were a jumbled mess of emotions, and she stumbled on his name so it kind of came out as two syllables. Feelings she couldn’t describe, but wanted desperately to understand, had taken up space inside of her. She had been thinking of their time together, of him kissing her, his strong arms around her waist amidst the forest trees. It had felt like a fairy tale, that was for sure, but she knew she hadn’t imagined it.

  He was grinning like a fool, she had thought then, like a fool in love maybe? And then she realized a little too late, as she put her hand to her face, almost to stop it, that she was grinning also. She had been smiling at him too. Like a damn fool.

  Mandy was behind the bar too, and something must have clicked for her because she looked from Clay to Jenna and asked, “What is up with the two of you?”

  That brought Clay and Jenna into the now, and Jenna looked down, yanked off her scarf and coat and pulled her gloves from her fingers. Clay wiped the bar down faster.

  “Jenna’s just getting back from Chicago – that’s all,” Clay said to Mandy.

  “Oh yeah? How’s the Windy City?” Mandy asked.

  “Windy,” Jenna said, as she made her way to the back to grab her apron. She knew it was going to be an awkward shift, but didn’t want it to be, and she desperately wanted to talk to Clay alone. About what, she wasn’t sure, but maybe she wanted to hear what he had to say, maybe she wanted to tell him… well, she wasn’t sure what she wanted to tell him. Maybe that she had missed him? Maybe she wanted to see if he had missed her? She didn’t know. She wanted to see if the vibe was still there. But knowing how she felt when she first walked in and saw him, well, the kissing was still fresh on her mind.

  Maybe, just maybe, she wanted him to kiss her again.

  **

  Jenna’s shift was ending and she had done a pretty good job avoiding total eye contact with Clay, but anytime their eyes did meet, she felt like she might explode from the attraction between the two. It hadn’t been like that before, and it was arresting. It was suffocating. She needed to get out of there.

  She handed her checks to Mandy and went to the back room to clock out. As she was just about to remove her apron, she felt Clay come up behind her.

  “Why are you avoiding me?” His breath was hot on her neck. He took her hands into his, as she was untying the back of her apron.

  “I’m not.” She didn’t turn around to face him.

  “You are. You can’t even turn around to look at me.”

  “I… I don’t know.”

  “Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?” He held onto her hands tightly still, yet she didn’t move her hands away from his.

  “Because you know I’d never do anything to hurt you. You know that right? I would have never kissed you if I thought you didn’t want me to kiss you.”

  “Clay.” Jenna started crying then, but he didn’t know. The tears slipped slowly down her cheeks. She wasn’t sure why she was crying. Maybe it was because she was confused, maybe it was because she nervous.

  “Clay,” she said his name again.

  “What?”

  “I wanted you to.”

  “You wanted me to what?” He touched her hands softer the
n, and she intertwined her fingers in his, although her back was still against his chest, and he couldn’t see her face, couldn’t see the tears.

  “I wanted… I want you to kiss me.”

  She turned then, and reached for him, and he pulled her closer to him, and she could feel his whole body along the length of her, and their lips met, and it was both sweet and desperate. As they kissed, he moved her off to the side of the back room, and she clung to him, like if she let go, she might fall, and she didn’t want to fall.

  Before she knew what was happening, they were in the staff bathroom, and his hands were under her shirt and she was gasping at his warm touch on her cool skin. Their kisses were becoming more desperate, tongues and mouth and hands where they had never been before. She could hear a song by Bruno Mars playing out in the bar, and then suddenly, Clay let his hands fall to his side.

  “We have to stop.” He ran his hands through his hair in a frustrated motion.

  Jenna’s eyes got wide, but she said nothing.

  “I don’t want it to be like this. In the bathroom at work,” he said.

  Then he reached for her again, holding her at her waist. “Jenna, I care so much about you. But we can’t do this.”

  “We can’t do this?” Jenna asked.

  “Not like this, no. With you being so uncertain about Darren. About us. It’s not fair to anyone. Especially you.”

  “But, I said, I told you… I know what I… ”

  He placed his finger to her lips to quiet her, and she wished more than anything he would kiss her again, that he would just kiss her more. But he didn’t. He looked into her eyes and she felt the tears sprouting again. She didn’t want him to see her crying.

  “You have to figure out what you want. What you really want. Because I don’t think you know.”

  She pushed her way past him, through the door and back out into the hall, grabbed her keys, coat and scarf from her locker, and rushed through the crowded bar, past all the people celebrating the end of mid-terms and the beginning of winter break. People all around were drinking and dancing and having the time of their lives and all Jenna wanted more than anything was to crawl into bed and forget about existing.

  She hoped on her way out that Clay would have followed her, that he would have said, “Wait Jenna! I’ve made a mistake, I don’t want you to think about things. I’ve made up my mind for the both of us.” Then it would make everything so simple. But he didn’t come out into the falling snow and the cold December air. He didn’t chase after her like the prince in the fairy tales did. He didn’t come after her like she had wanted him to. He stayed back inside the bar.

  He didn’t even follow her out, didn’t even try to stop her.

  Chapter 76

  Mitch, Courtney and Jenna sat at the kitchen table, drinking their second pot of coffee of the morning. They’d arrived at their mother’s house late the night before and were getting a slow start on the day, and since the only plans scheduled was an appointment for Jenna with Dr. Rhetler, no one was in a hurry to do much of anything.

  “We could go tackle some of the boxes in the basement?” Courtney suggested.

  “Maybe, or we could do the upstairs bedroom closet,” Jenna said.

  “I actually did most of that over Thanksgiving, remember? Tore it all apart looking for my birth certificate.”

  “Pretty lucky that Dad had a copy of it after all that, huh?” Jenna said.

  “No kidding. Mom wasn't too good at keeping important documents in a safe place, was she?”

  “Not at all. I bet there's a box in the basement with more important stuff too.”

  “Speaking of, that's pretty much where I put all the crap in Mom's closet when I tore it apart, so… ” Courtney said.

  “The basement it is,” Jenna laughed. “Well, you guys can get started on that. I’ve got a phone call to make, then I have to take a shower before my appointment with Dr. Rhetler.”

  Mitch and Courtney exchanged looks, but before they could say anything, Jenna answered the question on their minds. “I’m calling Darren, okay? So leave it alone. I owe him that much. I’m calling him.”

  “Okay,” Courtney said. Jenna stood up from the table and made her way upstairs. She nodded to the breakfast dishes. “You got these?”

  “Yep. Go make your call.”

  “Thanks.”

  Upstairs, on her mother’s bed, Jenna twisted the blanket in between her fingers and dialed Darren’s number. After three rings, he answered.

  “Hi Jenna,” he said.

  “Hi.”

  “Are you home?” he asked.

  “I’m not really sure where home is anymore. If you mean at my mom’s, then yeah, I’m here.”

  “I got in from Florida last night,” Darren said.

  “You’re here already? I thought you weren’t coming in until Christmas Eve.”

  “I’ve got some stuff to take care of.”

  “Is everything okay at home?” Jenna asked.

  “Yeah, everything’s fine. How are you doing?”

  “I’m not sure,” Jenna admitted. She placed her lips to her wrist, and rubbed them against her tattoo, wishing so badly that things had been different, that she hadn’t caused so much to happen between them.

  “Can I see you?” he asked.

  Jenna thought for a moment, feeling her pulse from her wrist beating on her lips. Then she said, “I have a doctor’s appointment today.”

  “Tomorrow then?”

  “Yeah, tomorrow.”

  “I’m really sorry I wasn’t there for you when you got sick. I’ve been thinking a lot about that, and I feel terrible. I was so focused on work, but it was only because I wanted to make sure I was set for us. I’m also sorry I didn’t know how to react after your mom died.”

  “No, that was all me. I screwed up royally. I’m sorry for a lot of things,” she said quietly.

  “I think we both made mistakes,” Darren said.

  There was a long silence, and then Darren asked, “How’s your health? Are you feeling okay?”

  “Really good. I’m really good.”

  “I’m glad to hear that, truly I am,” Darren said. “I’ve missed you. It was so good when we were in Florida together. It’s always so damn good when we’re together. It’s just not good when we’re apart, you know?”

  “I know. I’ve got to go Darren, or I’m going to be late for the doctor.”

  “Can I pick you up at seven tomorrow night?”

  “Yeah. That’d be good.” She knew he couldn’t see it, but she kissed her heart tattoo, and then hung up her phone. Seeing him would be good. She needed to see him.

  Chapter 77

  Mitch and Courtney had been in the basement for hours sorting through garbage bags of junk and old boxes, deciding what would go to Goodwill and what would go into the trash pile. Courtney stood up to stretch and then moved over to Mitch to rub his shoulders.

  “Thanks for helping out. I know this isn’t exactly a great winter break for you,” she said, massaging his neck.

  “There’s no place I’d rather be. Except maybe a Caribbean beach with you.” He smiled up at her as he flipped through a box of photos. “You know there are some really great photos here. You’re keeping these?”

  Courtney sat on an old end table next to him and he handed her a pile of photos. “Like this one of the four of you,” Mitch said. “Look how cute you are in that one, with your pigtails.”

  “Yeah, I guess so,” Courtney sorted through the stack.

  “You can’t look at that picture, or any of these, and tell me you weren’t loved, Courtney. I know the last few weeks have been pretty fucked up for you, with Helena and everything, but look at these pictures. Man. Your parents adored you. Absolutely no question about it. I’d say you lived a pretty charmed life.” He looked into her eyes, and kissed the tip of her nose.

  “Why are you telling me this?” Courtney asked. “Why are you getting all sentimental on me?”

  “You kno
w, I’m the oldest of five, the only boy. Yeah, everyone says they want a boy. But I told you I was ignored. A lot. When the girls came along, it might as well have been like I didn’t exist. My childhood kind of sucked,” Mitch said. “Thank God I had my guitar. I sat in my room and played my guitar alone. A lot.”

  They were quiet for a moment, in the dark of the basement, one stray lamp illuminating their thoughts. “I want you to know that sometimes other people don’t have what you think they do, and to be grateful for what you did have, and for what you still have. And for what you’re going to have,” Mitch said. “With Helena and your dad. Okay?”

  Courtney looked at the photos in her lap. Pictures from what seemed like a lifetime ago. The family vacations. The candids from Disney World. Beach shots. Amusement parks. Picnics. Courtney and Jenna playing in the sandbox in their backyard. Splashing one another with the hose. On the swing set. At a playground. On Dad’s shoulders at a parade on the Fourth of July. Pictures only a family would have. Pictures she could only have because she had a sister. She was a part of that. And she could have almost not been a part of that.

  Courtney’s vision began to blur and she sniffled. She wiped tears from her eyes but a couple fell onto the photographs.

  “You’re going to still have it good, and I want to be a part of it. Okay?” Mitch said.

  “I want you here for everything. Always,” Courtney placed her arms around Mitch’s neck. “Thanks for making me realize that everything’s going to be okay. That everything already is good. I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  Chapter 78

  “You’re golden,” Dr. Rhetler smiled and closed Jenna’s file.

  “What do you mean, golden?” Jenna asked.

  “Well, not ‘golden-golden,’ but as far as the blood work and your vitals from today, you’re doing excellent,” Dr. Rhetler said. “I think after the first of the year, if your iron counts stay the same, we can drop your phlebotomy sessions down to twice a month instead of twice a week.”

  “Really?”