To Say I Love You

by Anna Martin

  “Moving in together like that, bold as brass…,” Chuck continued. “Don’t want people like that round here.”

  “There’s no law against two men living together,” Dad said calmly. “Nor what they do behind closed doors.”

  “Not like they only do it behind closed doors, though, is it?” he said, and for one stunning, awful moment, I thought he’d seen us in the woods. “They were in Walmart the other day.”

  “No law against two men going to get their groceries, either, despite what Billy Calder might think.”

  “David,” Chuck said in a pleading tone. “Are you seriously gonna let him strut around here with his… with his… boyfriend?” He practically spat the word. “It ain’t natural. You should be ashamed of yourself, you and him both.”

  Dad stood up. I was on the verge of doing it myself, wanting to assert myself when Chuck probably didn’t expect me to. I drained my beer and stood up, aware that even if heads weren’t turned in our direction, people were definitely looking. And listening.

  “I ain’t ashamed of him in the slightest,” Dad said coolly. “There are a lot of things my son could do that would shame me, Chuck. Loving someone’s not one of them.” He looked around. “Maybe y’all could do with a new lesson on what’s none of your fucking business.”

  When he walked out, I was in step right next to him, even if the temptation to turn around and lewdly stick my tongue in my cheek was huge. There was no need to invite anything more, though.

  Back in his truck, I turned to him, shifting on the seat.

  “You didn’t have to do that. I know they’re your friends.”

  “Nah,” he said. “I don’t call them out on their daughters’ shotgun weddings ’cause they were stupid enough to get knocked up at seventeen. Or their sons who do same as you but in secret. Or their wives who fuck anyone and anything but them. So they got no right to call me out on the actions of my kids.”

  He was already out of the parking lot and on the road back to his place. There were a lot of things I’d thought of my dad in the past. Like most kids, he was my hero growing up. For a long time, I’d thought Mama the strength in their relationship, mostly because of the force of nature she could be. It turned out, though, he had a backbone of steel there all along.

  I wanted to tell him “thank you,” but for some reason that didn’t seem like the right thing to say. He wasn’t doing it—any of it—for thanks.

  “I’d hate to sound like your Mama, God rest her soul,” Dad said with the kind of lightness I didn’t think him capable of, “but when are you going to settle down and marry that boy?”

  I closed my eyes and laughed. The ridiculousness of the situation seeped through, and a moment later, Dad pulled over to the side of the road, unable to keep driving and hold in his laughter. By the time we were done, I was wiping tears from the corners of my eyes and my ribs hurt.

  “Lord, Daddy,” I said with a big sigh. “You sounded just like her.”

  He shrugged. “I can’t think of anything that would get up their noses more.”

  “One day,” I told him. There had been enough proposals now, I could say it with a degree of certainty.

  “You gonna have kids?”

  “I think so,” I said, playing with the frayed edge of my collar. It was looking worn. I guessed it might not last much longer. “We want to adopt, though, rather than getting a surrogate. Find a couple of kids—siblings, you know—who would otherwise be split up by the foster system. We want to keep a family together.”

  Dad shook his head and turned the ignition on the truck. “That’s what those men will never understand,” he mumbled.

  He wasn’t talking to me, not really, but I understood what he was trying to say. Will would be his son-in-law one day. My kids—my probably adopted, not biological kids—would be his grandchildren. And fuck anyone who didn’t see it that way.

  Jennifer was waiting for us when we got home. Baby ran out into the yard and went crazy jumping over us, like we’d been gone years rather than a couple hours. I hunkered down to play with her before dinner.

  “Will called,” Jennifer said from the front porch, hands on her hips.

  “Yeah?”

  “You left your phone here, did you know? Anyways, he’s on his way back. Managed to leave the office early today. He should be here soon, so I invited him to stay for dinner.”

  “What, are you trying to poison him? I like him. I don’t want him killed off by your cooking.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Fuck off, Jesse.”

  I laughed as she stormed back into the house and resumed Baby’s belly rub. It was only ten minutes or so later when Will’s car pulled up, and I managed to work Baby into a frenzy of excitement for when he stepped out.

  I raced her, and she nipped at our ankles when Will gave me the attention and not her, sliding his arms around my waist and his tongue between my lips. I kissed him back with everything I had, one hand on his face, the other in his hair.

  “You look hot in a suit,” I said when we broke away. I gently tugged at his tie. “Dinner’s nearly ready.”

  “I’ll go wash up.” I got another kiss before he headed off, though, Baby dancing just behind him.

  Since he hadn’t planned to come by here before going home, he didn’t have a change of clothes and simply stripped out of his jacket and tie, rolled up the sleeves of his shirt, and scrubbed his face clean before dinner. I was getting used to our enforced periods of separation, even if it was only a couple of days at a time. The reunions were nice, though.

  Will sat next to me at the table and put his hand on my thigh where the others couldn’t see. Jennifer set a big bowl of potatoes on the table. I stuck my tongue out at her. She did it right back.

  “You two are like kids,” Will said with a laugh.

  “Been like this since they were young,” Dad said. “Always fighting. Can’t tell you how many times I told Jesse to play nice with his little sister.”

  “She gave back as good as she got,” I said. “I taught her how to wrestle when she was six, do you remember?”

  “Yeah, I broke my wrist!” Jennifer exclaimed as she slid into her seat.

  “But you got to wear a pink plaster cast to school.”

  She rolled her eyes and started to serve.

  “Dad was saying today how we should get married,” I said to Will, keeping my tone purposefully light. I passed him the first plate after Jennifer had piled it high with food.

  My family’s reactions were just how I imagined: Jennifer gasped, Dad spluttered, Will continued cutting his food like I’d asked about the weather.

  “Did he really.”

  “Mm. I told him we were thinking about it.”

  Will frowned at me. “We’ve done a bit more than think about it, I’d say. We’ve just got to get round to planning the damn thing.”

  From the corner of my eye I could see my sister practically vibrating in her chair. The idea of planning a wedding seemed to sit well with her.

  “Now, I didn’t say—” Dad started, but I cut him off with a laugh.

  “I’m messing with you, Dad.”

  “I know that, but—”

  “Did you want me to ask permission first, David?” Will asked, and I elbowed him in the ribs so hard he nearly fell off his chair. “Because I love your son very much, and….”

  I waved my knife at him in a vaguely threatening manner. “Don’t you fu— Don’t you dare.”

  “You don’t need my permission,” Dad said quickly. “You’re grown men, you do as you please.”

  “We’re not there yet,” Will said.

  “Soon, though,” I added.

  “Where are you going to do it?” Jennifer asked. “Here or in Seattle? I know Seattle is nice and all, but there are some really beautiful venues around here. You can hire out a whole old plantation for the weekend and get people to stay in the little cottages. My friend Milly did that and her photos were gorgeous.”

  I held my hands up in
a gesture of surrender. “No plans yet, Jen. I’m pretty sure neither of us want to get married on a plantation, though.”

  “I was thinking more of a mom-and-pop, backyard sort of thing,” Will added.

  We hadn’t really discussed it, but I nodded, immediately agreeing.

  “Well, your backyard is huge.”

  “I know that, Jen. Most of our friends are in Seattle, though, and there’s nowhere around here where everyone could stay. I know it’s cold there, but you’re probably going to have to get used to the idea.”

  She pouted. “What if it rains?”

  “It always rains,” Will said with a laugh, and I tucked my ankle around his in a silent show of solidarity.

  “I solemnly promise, Jennifer, when we get around to planning, I’ll give you a call and get you to do all the crap I can’t be bothered to do myself.”

  “Gee whiz, Jesse, thanks,” she said, heavy on the sarcasm, though from the twinkle in her eyes I thought she was happy.

  Will and I washed the dishes after dinner since Jennifer cooked, meaning she could get back to her apartment and settle in for the night before it got dark. I guessed Will was tired. He looked tired, making me want to take him home and tuck him up in bed and protect him from the world. I wouldn’t ever tell him that, though. I wouldn’t dare.

  After saying good-bye I drove him home, taking the wheel of the sporty rental car the company had arranged for him to keep. I was allowed to drive it too, as long as I behaved myself.

  “Bed,” I told him as I unlocked the front door and ushered him inside.

  “Shower first.”

  I shook my head. “You’re all pheromone-y. I like it.”

  He snorted with laughter. “If you want anything out of me tonight, you’re going to have to do the work, baby. I’m exhausted.”

  “How about if I give you a back massage, then if you want a happy ending you can decide when I’m done?”

  “I love you,” he said mock-seriously. “I love you more than anything else in this world.”

  “I love you too. Go take your clothes off for me.”

  While he was getting undressed, I locked up the house for the night, making sure everything was secure. In our room, I found Will sprawled on his front, bare-ass naked and possibly already asleep.

  “Don’t you dare think I’ve forgotten about that back massage,” he mumbled, the words distorted from where his face was buried in a pillow.

  “Wouldn’t dream of it. Is there still oil in the bathroom?”

  “Should be.”

  It only took two minutes to find the bottle of massage oil, and I was even more convinced he was sleeping by the time I straddled his thighs and poured a generous amount on his lower back.

  “That’s fucking cold,” he grouched.

  “Won’t be for long.”

  “Mm.”

  I took my time gently rubbing his back, working out knotted muscles and rubbing the spots I knew felt good. Will seemed to come alive under my hands, squirming and moaning and humming low in his chest until I was hard.

  “Want that happy ending now?”

  “Want you inside me,” he murmured.

  That, I could get down with.

  Since it was handy, I used some more of the oil and trickled it farther down between his cheeks, then circled my fingertip around his hole. I could tell he was interested by how he kept shifting on the bed, likely moving to take the pressure off his erection.

  Not wanting to wait, I slid one finger inside him and crooked it, seeking out his prostate. That caused new noises to escape from him, and I carefully added another finger, stretching and loosening him, and teasing at the same time.

  When he groaned my name, I knew he was ready. I pulled my fingers free, slicked up my cock with more oil, and rearranged myself over his back.

  “Like this?” I asked, then bit down on his shoulder.

  Will spread his knees on the bed and raised his hips, his own silent answer, and I guided my cock into him.

  It was different like this, fucking him facedown on the bed, being the instigator of this kind of intimacy. I reached for his hand and tangled our fingers together, squeezing back when he gripped me hard. This wasn’t easy for him, giving up control and not being able to look at me or kiss me.

  I tried to compensate by pressing my lips to his neck over and over, kissing his shoulders and spine and the tops of his arms while I eased my cock in and out of him, gentle at first. I felt the moment he fell into my rhythm and started lifting his body to meet mine.

  “Fuck, Jesse,” he groaned and for a moment, I faltered.

  “You feel so fucking hot,” I murmured against the side of his neck. “I love being inside you. I love fucking you.”

  His soft whimpers told me he was close, so when he grabbed my arm and told me, “Wait,” I was surprised.

  “Can I turn over?” Will asked in a small voice.

  “Of course,” I said, already moving, knowing his preference.

  Will needed intimacy when he bottomed. He could fuck me into the ground when he topped, and we had some incredibly filthy sex. For him, though, bottoming was different. It was a matter of trust.

  When he settled back, I smiled, wondering once again how I’d managed to find someone so beautiful to love. He wrapped his hand around the back of my neck and drew me into slow, easy kisses, and I eased into him again while our lips worked each other over.

  “Jesse,” he said with his lips against mine. His eyes shut, and I felt him come around me. Normally, I liked to come with him, watching him get lost in pleasure like that, pleasure I was giving him. This time, though, I was a little behind him.

  When his shudders finally subsided, I moved to pull out of him, prepared to finish some other way. He stopped me, though.

  “Keep going.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked.

  “Yeah. I… I wanna know what it feels like.”

  I bit my lip as a throb of pleasure traveled through my dick. “Okay.”

  It would have been easy to lose myself in him again, but this time I had to be more careful. Will kissed my neck, his lips slack and tongue warm. I was hesitant, but he lifted his hips, drawing me deeper into his body.

  He’d done this to me before, fucked me even after I’d come, so I knew what he was feeling. I was right on the edge, ready to spill inside him, so it only took the smallest of movements: a few hard thrusts, his fingertips trailing down my spine, the feel of his kisses over my chest, and I cried out as my orgasm exploded out of me.

  Will held me as we came down from something more intense than we were used to. Since I knew he was sleepy, I left him in bed while I found a towel, cleaned him off, then pulled the blankets up to his waist. His pheromones had set me off, so I needed to shower and wind down before I could even think of falling asleep.

  Chapter 11

  WHILE WILL was busy working in his office, I looked into the job he’d shown me in the newspaper. It would have been a really good opportunity, but the grocery store experience had spooked me, and I didn’t want to face that kind of abuse in a school setting. I could handle myself against anyone, whether that be a grown man who should know better or stupid kids who didn’t. I knew in my heart that if I applied for a job in a school, I’d tell them about Will. He was such a big part of my life, there was no way I could hide him. And as my recent experiences had taught me, I couldn’t expect anything when it came to other people’s reactions to my relationship.

  For someone who had worked all of their adult life, being out of work here was strange. The days felt longer without challenges to occupy my mind, and even though I took the responsibility of taking care of my family seriously, they were adults too and not in need of constant help. They didn’t want me around all day, and time with my father was better spent doing something rather than sitting around the house.

  Will was in a position to support us both. Maybe because of that, the thought of becoming a stay-at-home husband and father had crossed m
y mind a few times, especially after recent events. I knew that was where our lives were heading, and family was always going to be important to us. As fulfilling as parenthood was sure to be, though, I wanted more from my life. I wanted the satisfaction from my career that Will had, knowing that he was doing something worthwhile for a living.

  Even though I had decided against the teaching job, I looked up different courses online to figure out how difficult it would be to top up my degree into a teaching qualification. The good news was I had all of the prerequisite modules. It would be a year of commitment to become a teacher if I wanted that.

  That morning, I’d kissed Will good-bye at the door, knowing it would be the next night before he’d be home with me again. That meant his office was free, and I sent an e-mail to my supervisor at the museum asking if she’d teleconference with me.

  I missed my job at the museum. I missed being out of the loop on the exhibitions and the gossip. It was a small community, and one I relished my part in, and all of a sudden I missed it. All of it. We were so very far from home.

  She e-mailed me back almost immediately, asking for my details so we could video chat. I smiled, sent her the information, then set up the webcam and sat back.

  “Hi, Serena,” I said when she appeared on the screen.

  “Jesse. You look good.”

  “Thanks.” I smiled.

  “How’s it going down there? How’s Will?”

  Serena had always been more than a boss to me. She took a personal interest in my life, and those of my colleagues too, and was just amazing when I’d said I needed to take time off. There weren’t a lot of employers who would have done that.

  I caught her up on things, not avoiding the topic of Mama but not wanting to linger on it before I got to the main reason for contacting her.

  “Is there any way I can do some work for you?” I asked. “I know there’s not a lot unless I’m actually there, but I’m not sure how much longer we’re going to be here, and I want to start getting back into it all.”