Gravity (Free Falling)

by St. Pierre, Raven

  Deanna moved on to another section quickly. I pushed dress after dress aside hoping that the very next one that I laid eyes on would be the one. And then I found it. It was the perfect shade of red and it was the perfect size. I raced to the dressing room to try it on. I changed quickly and then stepped out to evaluate myself in the large mirror. Love at first sight! The dress was strapless and fitted – but not so much that I’d be confined to a chair all night. There was a split up the front that stopped a little higher than the middle of my thigh. With my silver stilettos to set it off, I’d look like a movie star.

  As I assessed my appearance, I was startled to see Leslie, Megan and Kyla file into the dressing room with three or four dresses apiece draped over their arms. The excitement drained from their faces as they zeroed in on me. Megan rolled her eyes and disappeared behind one of the doors. Leslie’s eyes were fixed on me and mine were on her. She looked over my dress and laughed a little under her breath. Just then, Deanna appeared in the doorway and gasped when she saw me. “Sam! It’s perfect! You look great!” She shrieked. Behind Deanna I could see Leslie’s eyes shift to her. If I weren’t mistaken I saw a hint of jealousy in them just before she turned to try on her dresses. Deanna looked back briefly to see what I was staring at, but forgot about it quickly as she continued to dote on my dress.

  “What’d you find?” I asked, noticing the dress in her hands.

  “Give me a sec and I’ll show you,” she grinned.

  I returned to my dressing room to get my clothes back on. Over the flimsy partition I could hear Megan’s voice clearly. “I can’t stand her. She thinks she’s better than everybody else or something.”

  “I know, me either,” Leslie added. When I stepped out of the room, my face must have told it all. Deanna stood in the mirror with her dress on watching me. “They’re stupid. Don’t even let them get to you.” She said it loudly enough that I was positive she intended for them to hear her.

  Just then Leslie and Kyla stepped out and shifted their gazes to me. They were mumbling to themselves and rolling their eyes at me, but they didn’t address me. Deanna changed hurriedly, understanding that I was agitated. We paid for our dresses and walked back out to the car. Even the run in with Leslie and her crew couldn’t stifle the excitement that I felt. Mom was going to love it.

  I nearly ripped the door off the hinges to get inside and show her. She and Daddy were sitting at the kitchen table together just finishing up their lunch. “I found it!!!!” I screeched. She followed me up the stairs nearly as thrilled as I was. I closed the closet door and hung the garment bag on the hook on the back. Slowly, I unzipped it and pulled the dress out.

  “It’s beautiful.” She immediately opened the closet door back to grab my silver shoes that I was already planning to wear with it. This made me smile even more. “These are perfect.”

  Mom hugged me around my shoulder as we both stared at the dress. Her smile faded a little. “Sweetie, I think we need to talk about something before you go to the dance next weekend.”

  My body stiffened as she sat on my bed and motioned for me to close my bedroom door. She didn’t continue to speak until I was seated next to her. “I’m trying to decide what to do about your curfew. I understand that you want to hang out afterward and spend time with your friends, but……I’m a little concerned.”

  I understood what it was that concerned her. She hadn’t yet been updated on my feelings on the subject matter since that night in the attic. “Mom, relax. It won’t happen again.” She was obviously relieved by my admission. There was still the not so small task of breaking the news to AJ, but all she needed to know was that my mind was made up.

  She turned to look into my eyes. It was evident in her expression that she was putting a lot of thought into her next statement and it may have even been difficult for her to say. “I’m responsible for you while you’re here under this roof.” She started tearing up. “But when you leave for Charleston, it’s up to you to make smart decisions for yourself. I’m proud of you for being mature enough do the right thing. I know you well enough to trust that you’re telling me the truth right now, so I’m going to allow you to stay out until two.” I started smiling right away. “But……whenever I call your cell phone, you answer. Understood?”

  “Understood,” I replied.

  *****

  The final week of school seemed to fly by and Friday morning I awoke feeling a little strange. The idea of not having to return to Allister Academy was a hard concept to grasp. There was a strange empty feeling in the pit of my stomach as I realized that this was really it – my final day of high school. I was no longer looking forward to leaving for Charleston since AJ and I would soon be separated by almost a thousand miles. Even knowing that Deanna would be there to keep me company wasn’t much comfort. I dressed slowly and made my way down the stairs for breakfast. Mom sat across from me quietly and watched me pick over my food.

  “You feeling alright?” She asked.

  “Yeah. I’m fine.”

  She watched me another minute, but dropped it and went upstairs to dress for work. I threw the plate away as soon as she was out of view. There wasn’t any point in taking my backpack today, so I went straight out to the car. When I pulled up in the parking lot, there was an empty spot next to AJ’s car. He was still sitting inside it with the door open and the radio on listening to one of my favorite songs. I climbed into the passenger seat beside him.

  “This is it,” he said and then reached for my hand, but didn’t turn to look in my direction.

  “I know. It doesn’t seem real,” I said nervously, already dreading what I’d really come over her to talk to him about. He was still completely unaware of the decision I’d made. Every time he’d tried to mess around at school as we had that day in the auditorium I came up with an excuse to hold him off, but it was time that I was real with him. It seemed like a good idea to deal with it before tomorrow night. My breathing increased as I tried to muster up the courage to say the words.

  “There’s something that I want to talk to you about, and I’m not sure how you’ll take it.” He turned to look at me and I could see that he was a little nervous about my question, but I’m not sure what he was expecting me to say. I took all the air into my lungs that they could hold and said the words as I exhaled. “I don’t think we should have sex anymore, AJ.” I was afraid to look at him. Beads of sweat were forming on my forehead as I waited for him to respond.

  “Can I ask why?” He asked more calmly that I’d expected.

  “Well……I just want to wait.” I paused. “I’d prefer to think of this as more of an intermission though,” I joked nervously.

  He didn’t laugh. “Is this something you’re thinking about……or is your mind made up already?”

  He was beginning to sound a little irritated which in turn made me irritated. “I’ve already decided,” I replied quietly, waiting for him to explode, but he was silent again. I noticed that his nostrils flared a little and his eyes narrowed. Was he really getting upset about this? I immediately jumped to the conclusion that if sex wasn’t going to be a part of our relationship, he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I lifted my hand slowly to the door handle and pulled it in an attempt to free myself from the car, which started to feel like it were constricting around me. The sound caught AJ’s attention.

  “Where’re you going?” He asked harshly.

  Tears were welling up in my eyes, so I turned to look out the window to hide my face from him. “I have to get to class.”

  “Sam, I’m not mad. This is just…….a lot for me to take in. It’s fine. You don’t have to leave,” he explained.

  My hand was still on the handle and I was beginning to feel a little nauseous. I desperately wanted to believe him, but there were new feelings developing inside of me that I couldn’t control – distrust and doubt. I’d never had any of these feelings toward AJ – aside from the incident with Leila and her ridiculous lie – and I hated myself for being weak
enough for them to overtake me now. I released the handle and leaned back in the seat, but didn’t close the door back. I needed to know that I was still what he wanted with the new limitations set on our relationship. “AJ, you’ve always been honest with me. Can I trust you to be honest with me now?”

  “Of course,” he replied without even thinking about the question.

  “Are you sure you can handle this? Like, seriously? I’m not dumb; I know what college girls are like and I won’t be mad if you’re up front with me now, but don’t wait until something happens. Tell me now if you can deal with it.” I couldn’t make myself look at him. My eyes shifted back and forth wildly as I waited for him to respond. As much as I didn’t want for him to say that he didn’t think he was capable, I would’ve almost been relieved. Deep down in my heart I didn’t have much faith in him considering the circumstances that we’d be facing soon. So, to hear him admit that now would be much easier than getting a phone call from him in the future telling me that he’d slept with someone else.

  AJ turned my face to his and forced me to concentrate on what he was about to say. “I love you. All of you – your personality, your quirks, your neurotic breakdowns.“ He smiled when he said that one. “Your bratty outbursts, your artistic side, the way you love me, and your body. All of those things together make you…..you, and if I turn my back on you because of that one aspect of who you are I’d be saying that the sex is the most important part of our relationship, and I hope you know that that’s not true. I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life than I am about my feelings for you. If you feel this strongly about stopping……then I’ll respect your decision.” He paused. “I couldn’t leave you even if I wanted to.” The lingering question in my mind must have been written all over my face, so he answered it promptly. “And I’d never cheat on you.”

  He wiped the single tear that ran down my cheek and continued to stare into my eyes until he was satisfied that I believed him.

  “We should get to class,” I said flatly.

  “Not until you tell me that you trust me,” he demanded as another tear escaped.

  “I want to sooooo bad AJ, but I just……”

  He sighed and gave up trying to convince me. The handle to his door clicked, he climbed out and slammed it harder than was necessary. As we walked into the building he was a couple steps ahead of me – obviously angered by his inability to sway me. After a minute or two, I gave up trying to keep up with him. I stood there in the middle of the hallway while students passed by me as if I were invisible. My eyes were still fixed on AJ as he walked away from me and disappeared around the corner without even looking back. That was exactly what was going to happen this August when we both left for college – AJ would walk away and wouldn’t even look back in my direction. Mr. Hahn was absolutely right about that one thing.

  At lunch I just sat and daydreamed about my dimming future with AJ. Everyone was excited about embarking on a new journey and seeing the world in a whole new way. Conversation was lively and bounced off the cafeteria walls the entire hour. AJ and I sat next to one another at the table silently – never speaking one word to one another. When the bell sounded, he rose up from his seat and didn’t bother waiting for me. We’d had arguments before, but this felt very different.

  I took my seat beside him in Ms. Jamison’s class and sat completely still. I was preoccupied with trying to figure out what exactly was going on between the two of us. This felt bad – really bad. I watched him nervously from the corner of my eye as he fidgeted with his pencil and contemplated. What is he thinking? The bell startled me from my spying. I gathered my things slowly, fully expecting for him to leave without me again, but I was surprised to see him standing by the door. I approached him cautiously. “Can you meet me in the auditorium next hour? We need to talk,” he said quietly. My heart sank, but I agreed to be there. “Ten minutes,” he said flatly.

  The hands on the clock seemed to be moving in slow motion. I was equally nervous and anxious to find out what AJ needed to say to me that couldn’t wait. When it was finally time, I rushed to the front of the classroom and faked another stomach ache. The hallway leading to the auditorium seemed to grow longer as I walked it. My hand lingered on the door handle for a few seconds while I built up the courage to open it. When the light flooded in from the hall, I could briefly see AJ standing against the wall.

  “You wanted to talk?” I asked reluctantly as the door latched behind me.

  I didn’t hear anything for a few seconds. “If you can’t trust me and I’m right here, then you definitely won’t trust me when I’m hundreds of miles away. I’ve never given you any reason to think that I’d hurt you.” He choked on his question. “Do you want to end things now? You seem to think that you know that I’m gonna be out there sleeping with all these other girls, so if you’ll rest more peacefully at night, maybe we should just call it quits now.” I was grateful for the darkness because I couldn’t control my facial expression as it twisted up in protest.

  “What?.......No! Are you crazy?? That’s not what I want at all!”

  “Then what do you want? Would it make you feel better if I told you I was going to have a different girl in my bed every night? That’s what you’re expecting isn’t it?”

  I had no defense. “I don’t know what I expect. I just know that I can’t stand the thought of you being with someone else and I can’t help but to think that us not having sex anymore is going to drive you into someone else’s arms.”

  “But you didn’t just start this. You’ve brought it up before today. So, what is it really?” His tone was even harsher than it was in the car this morning.

  “I don’t know. It could be a lot of things,” I replied.

  “Like what?” He asked, still sounding annoyed.

  “Don’t you ever feel like there’s an anvil just waiting to drop on our relationship? It just feels like we’re doomed, AJ! The only thing that’s on our side is that we love each other. But aside from that, we’re like one short step away from absolute disaster. Think about it! Why wouldn’t I expect for things to continue to fall apart?” I asked.

  “Well maybe that’s where we’re different. I seem to have foolishly let myself buy into the notion that love is enough. Even if nothing else lines up, love is always enough.”

  “What do you want me to do? I can’t force myself to believe something just because you want me to. If this is how I feel about it, then this is just how I feel about it! I’m not saying that I don’t want to be with you, I’m just……feeling a little uneasy. Why is that so hard for you to accept? This doesn’t have to be the end.”

  “You know what? You’ve been calling the shots since day one. Everything’s always been on your terms, but this isn’t just about you. I’m not going to put up with the frantic phone calls while I’m at Westwood - with you accusing me of something that I’ve already given you my word is never going to happen! You’ve got until tomorrow night to make up your mind. Are you gonna trust me so we can continue to move forward together, or are we going to stop fighting it and let the anvil drop?” The next second I heard the door open and I watched him walk out on me.

  *****

  The day of prom, I hadn’t heard from AJ even once. Mom helped me slip into my dress and put the finishing touches on my make-up. She was making a really big deal about this dance – because it was my last I guess. She broke down crying twice and had to leave the room to get herself together. Daddy called us downstairs so that he could get a few pictures of me by myself before AJ arrived. As I maneuvered down the steps I was glad to find this dress much easier to get around in than the one I’d worn to Homecoming. Mom made me pose in front of the fireplace and I took one picture with each of my parents.

  The doorbell rang and I clenched my fists as I suddenly became tense. Mom rushed to the door and smiled at AJ as soon as she opened it. “Well, don’t you look handsome?” She moved aside and let him step in. He looked so good that I immediately felt inferi
or. I closed my mouth and pulled myself together quickly. I couldn’t let my guard down with him just yet because the last encounter we had with one another was him leaving me by myself in the auditorium and I couldn’t be sure of how angry he still was today.

  AJ turned to look at me. He was trying to hold his ground and continue to treat me coldly, but he smiled against his will. He hesitated for a few seconds as he looked me up and down. “You look really good,” he said quietly. I could tell that he was still bothered by our argument the day before, but not quite angry.

  “Come on you two,” Mom said as she motioned us toward the fireplace for a picture. AJ wrapped his arm around my waist loosely and we both smiled at the camera. The bright flash made my eyes water a little. Mom, fearing that I was about to ruin my eye makeup, quickly grabbed me a tissue to blot the tears away. Daddy took this opportunity to have a man-to-man chat with AJ. They stood next to one another awkwardly as they watched Mom and me.

  “She looks stunning,” Daddy said proudly.

  “Yes, sir. She absolutely does,” AJ replied.

  My father sighed. “You do understand that it’s not a light thing that I’m entrusting her into your care tonight?” Daddy asked.

  “ Mr. Kelley, I give you my word that Samantha’s safe with me.”

  Daddy turned to look AJ in the eye. Seconds later, the corners of Daddy’s mouth turned up into a smile. That smile probably meant more to me than to anyone else. My father was beginning to show signs of actually liking AJ, and that was huge. They both turned back toward me and Mom.

  “Disaster averted,” Mom said as she double checked my mascara.

  AJ walked toward me and I smiled to myself as he reached for my hand and led me out the door. “Two o’clock Samantha,” my mother called out to me. I nodded and continued to follow AJ. I climbed into the car and sat unmoving while waiting for him to come around. He started the car and drove in the direction of the country club where the dance was being held.