Cannoli to Die For

by Peg Cochran

  “We can tell Richie about it,” Lucille said. “Let him follow up on things.”

  “Good idea.” Flo put her hand over her mouth. “There’s just one thing—who killed Jack then? You don’t think there are two murderers, do you?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t think so. I think it’s only that we’re missing something.”

  They both turned toward the front of the room. Janice had packed up the remains of the fruit and vegetable trays and gathered up the rest of her materials. She was standing in her coat, pulling a purple fuzzy hat from her tote bag.

  Lucille stared at the hat. There was something about it—she’d seen it before, she was sure. And not in a catalogue or on a shelf at Macy’s.

  Suddenly an image swam before her eyes and she grabbed Flo’s arm.

  “Janice’s hat.”

  Flo raised her eyebrows but turned to look. “What about it?”

  “I’ve seen that hat before.”

  “It does look kind of familiar.”

  “I know,” Lucille said triumphantly. “Remember when we saw Jack kissing that woman in the parking lot here at St. Rocco’s?”

  “Yeah. But we couldn’t see her face.”

  “But we could see her hat.” Lucille tightened her grip on Flo’s arm. “And it was the same as that one there that Janice is wearing.”

  “You’re right,” Flo said.

  Suddenly they realized that Janice was staring at them.

  “You were having an affair with Dotty’s husband Jack,” Lucille said. “We saw the two of yous.”

  Janice gave a bitter laugh. “Guilty as charged.”

  “Is that why you killed Dotty?” Lucille said.

  Janice looked startled. “How do you know I killed Dotty?”

  “So you did kill Dotty,” Flo shot back.

  Janice shrugged. “Yeah. But it wasn’t because of Jack. Jack was going to divorce Dotty and we were going to get married.” She snorted. “Then he became infatuated with that au pair of theirs. Alva.”

  “But Alva had a boyfriend of her own. They’re going to get married. I know because Mary Garrity works over at the Borough Hall here in New Providence. Mary’s on the Altar Guild at St. Rocco’s and her son was in my Bernadette’s class. A nice boy—would have been good-looking, too, if it hadn’t been for those teeth of—”

  Lucille wound to a stop when she saw the look on Janice’s face.

  “Anyway, Mary said that au pair—Alva—had been in to get a marriage license. And she wasn’t marrying Jack. It was some young man she’d met and fallen for. We met him at the English as a second language class at the Y in Summit. Erik. His name was Erik.”

  “Really?” Janice raised her eyebrows. “I didn’t know that.” She dug in her purse and pulled out a set of car keys. “It doesn’t matter now. There’s no one left to stand between me and what’s rightfully mine—Weigh to Lose. Dotty stole the idea from me, you know. At first I didn’t care all that much, but then when I found out she was going to be on Oprah and would get rich and famous—on my idea! And I’d be stuck selling houses the rest of my life.” She shook her head. “So I figured with Dotty out of the way, Jack and I would get married and half of Weigh to Lose would be mine again. But then I realized I could never be secure until I had a ring on my finger.” She wiggled her left ring finger at Flo and Lucille. “And with Jack becoming infatuated with that au pair—would he ever actually marry me?”

  “Yeah,” Lucille said. “My mother always says why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.”

  Janice shot Lucille a dirty look.

  “What are we going to do now?” Flo whispered to Lucille.

  “She’s got to turn herself in,” Lucille whispered back.

  “You don’t seriously think she’d agree to that, do you?” Flo hissed.

  “I heard that,” Janice snapped. “And you’re right. No way I’m turning myself in. Instead, you two are about to have a very tragic accident,” she said as she pulled a small gun from her tote bag.

  Lucille jumped. “Don’t wave that thing at me. It might go off and I could get hurt.”

  Janice laughed. “That’s sort of the point, Lucille.”

  “What do you want from us,” Flo said, her voice shaking. “We won’t tell anyone what you’ve told us.”

  “Yeah, and the Easter bunny and Santa Claus are real,” Janice said. “No way I’m letting you two go so you can spill the beans. Come on.” She waved the pistol toward the door.

  Flo and Lucille looked at each other. Lucille shrugged.

  “We gotta do what she says, Flo.”

  “You know, you’re smarter than you look, Lucille,” Janice said.

  Lucille threw her shoulders back and lifted her chin. “Thank you.”

  “We’re wasting time. Come on.” Janice waved the pistol toward the door again and this time Lucille and Flo began to shuffle out of the room.

  “Where are you taking us?” Flo said.

  “You’ll see,” Janice said, and Lucille didn’t like the evil glint in her eyes. She didn’t like it one bit.

  Lucille followed Flo out to the church parking lot. She couldn’t get her mind off the gun Janice was holding, and when a car backfired out on South Street, she dropped to the ground.

  “What on earth?” Flo turned around. “Did you trip on something, Lucille?”

  “Yeah, yeah,” Lucille said as she scrambled to her feet, brushing bits of loose gravel from the knees of her pants.

  They continued walking until Janice stopped them in front of a dark blue late-model Lexus. She pointed a fob at the car and the trunk lid silently went up.

  Lucille didn’t like the looks of this. Surely Janice didn’t expect them to—

  “Okay, you two, into the trunk.”

  “I can’t get in there,” Lucille said. “My lumbago is acting up.”

  Janice pressed the gun into Lucille’s side. “Get in.”

  “Okay, okay,” Lucille said as she hoisted up a leg. “Sheesh, Flo and me aren’t going to fit in here.”

  “You’ll be as snug as two bugs in a rug,” Janice said as she lowered the trunk lid.

  “Flo, I can’t see anything.”

  “That’s because we’re inside Janice’s trunk, Lucille.”

  “I don’t think I can breathe.”

  “You’re panicking, Lucille. There’s plenty of air.”

  “We’re moving,” Lucille said as they were flung to the side when Janice made a left turn. “You know, I saw this program on TV once where they showed you what to do in all kinds of emergencies, like if you drove your car into a lake or were trapped in an avalanche, and one of the things was what to do if you’re ever locked in a trunk.”

  Lucille wiggled around trying to get comfortable. Her right leg was beginning to cramp.

  “Geez, Lucille, be careful, you just poked me in the stomach with your knee.”

  “Sorry, Flo, but I got a cramp in my leg, see.”

  “Never mind. Go on—what are you supposed to do if you’re locked in a trunk?”

  “First thing is to kick out the taillights.”

  “Okay. You’re closer—why don’t you try?”

  “Okay.”

  Lucille felt around with her foot until she thought she’d located the taillight. She kicked at it as hard as she could.

  “Holy crap, Lucille, you just kicked me in the shins.”

  “I’m sorry, Flo. It’s just that I can’t see what I’m doing.”

  “I’m going to have a bruise now.”

  “I said I’m sorry, Flo.”

  “Look, let’s wait until Janice stops and see what she’s going to do, okay? There’s two of us. Maybe we can catch her off guard and overpower her.”

  “Sure, sure. Good idea, Flo.”

  Just then the car began to slow, and they were flung to the side again as Janice made a right turn.

  “We’re stopping.”

  “I think Janice is getting out of the car. I heard the door open. Did y
ou, Flo?”

  “Geez, what’s that smell?” Flo said.

  “I don’t know.” Lucille sniffed. “I don’t smell nothing.” She sniffed again. “Maybe I shouldn’t have put them peppers in my omelet. I think I’ve got gas.”

  “It’s not that, Lucille. It sort of smells like metal.”

  “Now I smell it,” Lucille said. Suddenly she was beginning to feel light-headed and sort of woozy. She started to laugh.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “I don’t know. Us being locked in a trunk. We been through a lot together, Flo. Remember the time at the city dump . . .”

  Flo began to laugh, too.

  Soon Lucille was holding her sides, she was laughing so hard.

  “This is no laughing matter, Lucille,” Flo said before she burst into giggles again. “What’s happening to us, Lucille?”

  The trunk lid went up. Lucille squinted and put a hand up to her eyes.

  “Whoa, that’s bright.”

  “Okay, come on, get out.” Janice hovered over them, the gun held loosely in one hand and a length of rope in the other.

  “Geez, I’m stiff,” Lucille said as she scrambled out of the trunk.

  Her legs didn’t want to bend and she tumbled to the ground. Suddenly it seemed very funny and she began laughing again.

  Flo was laughing, too, pointing at Lucille, doubled over, holding her sides.

  “Next time remind me not to use laughing gas,” Janice said as she put a hand under Lucille’s elbow and helped her up.

  Lucille looked around. They were in someone’s driveway and there was a For Sale sign stuck in the lawn. She wasn’t sure where they were—somewhere between New Providence and Summit, she guessed. She still felt light-headed, and even though Janice was pointing a gun at her, she wasn’t really worried. As a matter of fact, it seemed like the funniest thing on earth.

  “We’re going up there.” Janice pointed to a small embankment behind the house. “Let’s go. Move it, ladies.”

  Flo and Lucille stumbled across the lawn. Lucille had her lips pressed tightly together, trying not to laugh again. Her sides already hurt as it was.

  “What’s up there?” Lucille said. She realized she was slurring her words but she couldn’t get her mouth and tongue to behave.

  “Train tracks,” Janice said, poking Lucille in the back with her gun again.

  “Are we going on a trip?” Flo said.

  It was the funniest thing Lucille had ever heard and she burst out laughing. Soon, she and Flo were both doubled over, their hands on their knees, their faces streaming with tears.

  “No,” Janice said. “I’m going to tie you two to the tracks and then sit back and wait for the six seventeen to New York City to do my job for me.”

  Chapter 22

  Lucille wished her legs didn’t feel so rubbery. And her head felt all fuzzy too, like pictures on the TV back in the day when all you had for an antenna was a pair of them rabbit ears wrapped in aluminum foil.

  Flo didn’t seem too steady herself. They weren’t laughing anymore—the thought of Janice tying them to the railroad tracks had taken all of the humor out of the situation. But they couldn’t seem to fight back either, and followed Janice dutifully up the hill like a couple of sheep being herded by a collie.

  “We’ve got to do something,” Lucille whispered to Flo as Janice busied herself with the rope she was carrying.

  “I know, but what? I can hardly feel my legs.”

  “Yeah, me too.” Lucille looked back over her shoulder at the house behind them.

  “No point in hoping for rescue from someone inside the house,” Janice said, momentarily distracted from the rope she was uncoiling. “It’s empty. The owners closed on a place down the shore and moved out two weeks ago.”

  “We’ve got to jump Janice,” Flo said with her hand over her mouth so Janice wouldn’t hear.

  “How? Like you said, we can hardly feel our legs, and my arms have gone all tingly too.”

  “We can’t just let her kill us,” Flo said, sniffing back tears. “I’m supposed to be getting married.” Flo wiped the back of her hand across her nose. “I’ve got my dress, and we’ve arranged for the hall and everything.”

  “I’ll think of something,” Lucille said, patting Flo on the arm. “How about we make a run for it? I saw something on TV about how if you weave back and forth, you’re pretty hard to hit with a bullet.”

  “I suppose we could. It beats standing here waiting to get tied to the railroad tracks. Besides, I can’t think of anything else at the moment.”

  “Okay. I’ll count to three.” Lucille tried to get into position like one of them Olympic runners, but her balance wasn’t too good and she nearly fell over, so she abandoned the attempt. “One, two . . . three.”

  Lucille felt like she was moving through molasses—her arms and legs weighed a ton. Still, she and Flo managed to go a couple of yards.

  “Oof,” Lucille yelled as her foot slipped on the grass.

  She grabbed at the air but there was nothing to hold on to and she fell on her side. It knocked all the air out of her, and when she started to roll down the hill, she didn’t have the energy to stop herself, although she did manage to clutch at a couple of handfuls of grass.

  Flo was ahead of Lucille and Lucille ran right into her, knocking Flo down as well. How come she could never hit the pins when she went bowling, but this time she bowled a strike without even trying?

  Rolling down the hill had made Lucille dizzy. She looked up at the sky and remembered how when she was a little kid, she and Flo used to roll down hills like this all the time. Back then it used to be fun—not so much anymore.

  Suddenly Janice was standing over them, waving the gun threateningly in their faces.

  “Come on, you two. Get up. I don’t have all day.” She glanced at her watch. “The six seventeen will be along before you know it.”

  The words six seventeen put the fear of God into Lucille. She could imagine the screech of the whistle and the rush of air as it came hurtling along the tracks. She wasn’t stupid—she knew you didn’t stop no train like that on a dime.

  Somehow Lucille got to her knees. She stayed there for a second on account of she had to catch her breath. Janice waved the gun at her, but Lucille swatted it away like a pesky fly. Janice was beginning to piss her off.

  Finally she was on her feet, and the thought of Janice tying them to the railroad tracks filled her with rage. She’d never see Flo get married. She’d never see little Lucy grow up. She’d never see little Lucy make her First Communion or get married herself. No way Janice was going to cheat her out of that.

  Lucille turned around and threw herself at Janice. They both went down like two more bowling pins and, clutched together, rolled to the bottom of the hill.

  Lucille got hold of a chunk of Janice’s hair and pulled until Janice’s eyes began to water. Janice reached out to claw at Lucille’s eyes, but Lucille turned her head just in time and managed to bring her knee up into Janice’s stomach.

  Janice’s oof let Lucille know she’d hit her target and she felt a glow of satisfaction. She was pretty good at this stuff—who knew? Maybe when this was all over, she’d sign up for one of them Krav Maga classes she’d read about.

  Janice head-butted Lucille, and Lucille howled in pain. Maybe she wouldn’t sign up for them classes after all. She’d heard you could get beat up pretty bad while you were learning.

  Lucille managed to get her hands around Janice’s neck, not that she planned to kill her or anything—she just wanted to stop Janice from head-butting her again.

  She applied enough pressure that Janice was forced to drop her gun and use both hands to pry Lucille’s fingers from around her neck.

  Flo stood over both of them holding a garden gnome in her hands. To Lucille, it looked like Sleepy or Dopey with its cute little red cap and shoes that curled up at the toes. Flo gestured to Lucille with one hand while she clutched the statue to her chest with the other. />
  “What?” Lucille mouthed at her.

  Flo gave Lucille her exasperated look, which really pissed Lucille off on account of how was she supposed to know what Flo was trying to tell her? Couldn’t Flo see she was busy here?

  “What?” Lucille said again as Flo continued to gesture at her.

  “Roll over,” Flo finally yelled. She made a twirling motion with her free hand.

  “Why?” Lucille said, wincing as Janice’s head connected with hers again.

  Flo held the garden gnome over her head and pantomimed smashing it down.

  “Why didn’t you say so in the first place?”

  Lucille grabbed Janice by the shoulders and managed to roll the two of them over so that Janice was now on top, her long blond hair hanging in Lucille’s face.

  “I’m glad the lightbulb finally went on, Lucille.”

  Lucille looked up at Flo, one eye closed against the sun. She was going to say something but figured this was no time for the two of them to get into an argument.

  Janice seemed startled by the change in position and for a moment stopped struggling. Just then Flo brought the garden gnome down on her head, knocking her out cold.

  “Get her off me,” Lucille said, trying to wriggle out from under Janice.

  Flo got hold of Janice’s shoulders and rolled her off of Lucille.

  Lucille took a deep breath—Janice was heavier than she looked and it was making it hard to breathe. The fresh air felt good on her face and she managed to stumble to one knee.

  Flo held out her hands and Lucille grabbed them and pulled herself to her feet. She stared in dismay at her white blouse.

  “I’m never going to get these grass stains out,” she said.

  “Never mind about that, Lucille. We’ve got to get out of here.”

  “What are we going to do with Janice?” Lucille poked Janice’s prone body with her toe.

  “Let’s tie her up, throw her in the trunk of her car and drive her to the police station.”

  “Great idea. I’ll go get the rope.”

  Lucille made her way up the hill to where Janice had left the coil of rope and brought it back down to Flo. They tied her ankles and wrists and stood back to catch their breath.