The Surgeon’s Secrets

by Michelle Love

  “Me too. I have felt extremely guilty about not paying attention to the fact her body became dependent on the drugs I told them to use daily to keep her calm while I had her held at the castle,” he tells me.

  “I had no idea that had happened. That’s not good at all. I’ll call my personal physician to come this evening to see to her,” I say as I push down the anger I’m feeling at him for having done such a thing.

  “That would be great. Can I trust you, Grimm, to take good care of my daughter?”

  I want to tell him I am more trustworthy than he’s ever been but that would be negative and I want only positives in this conversation. “Yes, you can trust me. As a matter of fact, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” I pull the engagement ring out of my pocket. I bought it for Natasha a year ago and show it to him. “With your blessing, I’d like to ask your daughter to become my wife. I’d like to marry her sooner rather than later if you can agree to that, sir.”

  He looks at the ring for a while. “That thing probably cost more than my house and two cars, doesn’t it?”

  “It is a valuable piece of jewelry, sir.”

  He looks at me for a minute then he looks away and takes a sip of his coffee. I don’t like how long he’s taking to answer me. My nerves are getting twitchy and my palms are beginning to sweat.

  “She isn’t the sweet girl you think she is, Nicholai. I thought she was once myself, but she isn’t. I think you’re in love with the fact she seems sweet and innocent but she’s not that. When you see her with all her flaws, you may not want her and that’s what I’m afraid of. I know men like you. You put women on a pedestal. Tasha is flawed. I’m just afraid she’ll disappoint you and you two will end up in a loveless marriage.”

  And just what the hell does that mean?

  The Beginning: Part Eight

  NATASHA

  The cab ride back to Nic’s home was made in silence. As we step off the elevator to go into his apartment, I feel a chill in the air. “It’s pretty cold up here,” I say as Nic leads me by the hand to the door.

  “The heating may have broken up here. Hopefully, someone in my staff reported the problem,” he says as he unlocks and opens the door.

  It’s so cold in the room, we can see our breath. “No one’s here,” I say as it’s obvious.

  “It’s Christmas! I forgot that I let them all off. Damn, it’s cold in here,” he says as he pulls me along with him to check the thermostat. “It’s off. Who the hell would turn it all the way off?”

  “I don’t know but hurry and turn it back on,” I say with chattering teeth. “It’s freezing in here.”

  He seems flustered and aggravated by the mishap. “This is really lax of my staff. I will see that whoever did this will be reprimanded. Don’t worry.”

  “I’m not worried and I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. It’ll be warm in here soon and we won’t even think about it. Come on, we can get naked and get under the blanket in your bed,” I say to take his mind off the cold air in the room.

  “I have my personal physician coming to see to you, Natasha. There will be no sex until she makes sure you’re healthy enough for that. Your father told me about you having withdrawals from a drug he had you on, a sedative. Why did you keep that from me?” he asks with a frown on his handsome face.

  “I didn’t keep it from you. It’s been mere hours since we’ve seen one another. There hasn’t been time to give you every last detail of the last year.” I let his hand go and go to the bar to find something to warm me up.

  His hand on my shoulder stops me. “And what are you doing?”

  “Getting myself a drink. You want one?” I ask him as he looks oddly at me.

  “It’s nine in the morning, Natasha.”

  Shaking my head, I say, “I had no idea what time it was. That is much too early to have a drink. You’re right. I just thought it would help to ease the chill in my body. That’s all. I wasn’t looking to get snookered.”

  His eyes narrow as he looks at me. Then he takes my hand and pulls me to the kitchen. “I’ll make us some hot chocolate. That too can get the chill out of your body. And while I make it, you can tell me everything. I want to hear it all.”

  “I am so tired, Nic. When’s this doctor coming?” I ask as he pulls a chair out at the small table in the kitchen and I sit down. “I’ve been up forever. I’m exhausted.”

  “She’ll be here shortly. I don't suppose it will take long.. Then we can sleep.” He pulls out the milk and a small saucepan to heat it in. “Did Hawthorne give you any drugs while he had you?”

  “No,” I tell him as I pull my gloves off and rub my hands together. “He sent a woman to give me a birth control shot but she didn’t do it. She said she had to take my blood and test it first. She took a vial of it and I didn’t see her again.”

  “Put those gloves back on, Natasha,” he tells me as he glances at me and sees me rubbing my hands together.

  “This is working much better,” I say and see him give me that look I forgot he has. The one that silently tells me not to question him or talk back and just do as he says.

  I pull the gloves back on though. I haven’t the strength to argue with him at this point. I need rest and I need it now!

  “Good girl,” he says then opens a drawer, retrieving a metal whisk to stir the milk.

  I don’t say anything as that pretty much pisses me off. I watch him in silence as he prepares the drinks. He gives me quick glances now and again and it has me thinking he’s got something he’d like to say or ask but is having a hard time bringing himself to do it.

  “You’re acting strange,” I finally say when he brings the cups of hot chocolate to the table and sits across from me.

  “Am I?” he asks as he blows over the surface of one of the cups then places it in front of me. “Don’t drink it yet, it’s very hot. You can use the warm cup to help warm your hands up.” He places my gloved hands around the cup and smiles at me. “See.”

  “Yes, I’m not a moron!” I snap at him. “You’re treating me like a child, Nic. Stop it!”

  His eyes go wide with my outburst then he looks down. “Tell me about your past, Natasha. Tell me why you had no boyfriend when we met. What had you all alone?”

  “I was way too busy with my school work is what had me all alone.” I venture to take a sip of the creamy looking drink.

  “Not yet,” he says as he looks over his cup at me. “Before college, did you have a boyfriend?”

  Shaking my head, I answer him, “No. I wasn’t into boys my age. I liked older men. Being that I was underage had my hands tied. So, I ended up not dating anyone. When I was twenty, I dated one of my professors. He was ten years older than I was.”

  “What ended that?” he asks me.

  “His wife,” I say and laugh a little. “I had no idea he was married.”

  “Is that a thing that’s a definite no-no with you?” he asks and watches my reaction a bit too intensely.

  “What, the man I’m dating being married?”

  He nods. “Yes.”

  “Of course,” I say and sip the drink that’s cooled enough. “Why do you ask that?”

  “I’ll be honest with you as I do hate games and I feel like I’m playing with you instead of being straightforward. Your father told me how you broke up a man’s marriage when you were sixteen. He told me how he thought the man had come on to you and he nearly killed him. He told me he caught you giving the man a blowjob and you remained silent all these years. But recently, you told him it was you who initiated the act.” He stops talking and just looks at me.

  I am stunned my father told him all of that. “My God! I can’t believe he told you that!”

  “He had his reasons. And now I want to know something. Is this your true character? Are you a woman who cares not if she wrecks a home? Or are you the woman I came to know, respect, and love?”

  Shuddering as I feel him judging me, I wrap my arms around myself. “I don’t know what the h
ell to say to that, Nic. You, yourself, told me I had a darkness inside of me. It was you who said that to me. It was you who tried to bring that out in me and now you sit here and look at me as a judge and jury. Well, I don’t like it one bit. And to be judged by you is preposterous!”

  “At least I am upfront and honest about my past. You seem to want to keep yours hidden. Is that the kind of person you are? One who dabbles in the dark and wants to keep it hidden as you walk around with your head held high, though you don’t deserve to?”

  Getting up, quickly, I find the chair falling to the floor as I make my exit out of the kitchen. “I’m not doing this right now. I don’t have the fucking strength to do this with you.”

  He’s right behind me, his hand touches my shoulder. “Where are you going?”

  “To bed. In the guest room. The one that was to be mine if I signed your bond. I want to be alone,” I tell him as I keep moving. “You can send the doctor in when she gets here. Just leave me alone.”

  “You’ve been alone far too much this last year. Get into our bed.” He steers me to his bedroom and I find myself fuming mad at him.

  As we get to the door, I turn around and glare at him. “I won’t be coming back to a relationship where you dominate me. I’ve been lorded over for far too long. I am weak right now. I will get stronger, though. And I will never be dominated again. Do you understand me? I may not be the woman for you any longer. I am not the same person.”

  His eyes go soft. The hardness that had reigned over his expression has all but disappeared. His lips fall softly on my forehead. “I am sorry. You go into the bedroom and rest. Get undressed. I’ll send the doctor in when she gets here. I am sorry, Natasha. Things are so unsettled. I yearn for them to be settled and our lives going forward.”

  With a nod, I place my hands on his chest. “I am not in a state to make promises I can’t keep. I have a road ahead of me. One where I need emotional help as well as physical. I want you to know, I understand if I am too much for you to handle right now. I can go live with my parents.”

  “We’ll see,” he says then opens the door and ushers me into the room. “For now, you undress and climb into bed and soon the doctor will be here to start helping you get better.”

  I walk into the room, alone, as he closes the door and leaves me. I have to wonder if the doctor can help me at all as I feel lost and very helpless. I hope I don’t push Nic away just to protect myself from any more pain. That’s the last thing I want to do but I feel it welling up inside of me. Self-preservation.

  NICHOLAI

  As I close the door to the bedroom, leaving Natasha alone as she requested, I get the distinct impression she has many things haunting her right now. I don’t like it and I don’t like how I am handling any of this.

  When her father told me about her past, I was shocked. I know I shouldn’t have been. It was me who knew she had something hidden inside of her after all. But hearing it out loud that she purposely seduced a married man, ending his marriage and family as well as getting his ass royally kicked by her father, well that left a mark on my soul.

  She is not the sweet and nearly innocent women I thought she was. And why that’s bothering me so much is a complete mystery. I am by far no innocent. But I am not hiding anything either.

  I play with the box in my pocket that holds the engagement ring I meant to give her today and have to hold back. It’s not the right time. Things are up in the air. Her spirit is weak as is her handle on life right now.

  Making my way to the elevator to have the ring placed in a safe deposit box I have on the ground floor of the building, I find myself feeling a bit sad about things.

  Nothing is working out as planned. I thought she and I would fall into each other’s arms and everything else would melt away. I was wrong. She has been drugged and neglected and even worse when she was in Hawthorne’s hands.

  Liz is working the desk I see as I get off the elevator. “Can I have the key to the room where the safe deposit boxes are. I need to put something in mine?”

  “Merry Christmas, Mr. Grimm,” she says with a smile.

  “Oh! Yes, I forgot. Merry Christmas, Liz.”

  She hands me the key. “Did you buy your lady something valuable for Christmas, sir?”

  I nod then say, “I did. But I changed my mind about giving it to her. She’s in a frail state. Now is not the time.”

  “Were you going to ask her to marry you, Mr. Grimm?” she asks and I find her curiosity annoying.

  I simply walk away instead of biting her head off for being so intrusive. It is Christmas after all.

  As I open the safety deposit box, I find the few things I keep in there, staring up at me. My grandparents’ wedding set is in here. My mother gave it to me when her mother passed on a few years back. She told me to keep it and maybe one day hand it down to one of my children.

  The thought of having children had been on my mind a little over a year ago. I was going to ask Natasha to marry me on Christmas of last year but she had been taken away and that never happened.

  I had so many plans that were halted. She’s so weak. Her body is much too frail to ask her to have children anytime in the next year. All my dreams and hopes have been dashed. And I have a couple of men I can blame for that. But then again, perhaps it’s Natasha’s own karma that got in our way.

  Perhaps the fact she broke up a marriage means she’s not to have one. Or maybe she will have one in which someone will come along and break hers up. I would be the victim in that scenario. The role of victim is not one I like to play.

  Pushing my thoughts aside, I place the black box inside and close it up, locking it away again. I was so sure this was the right time to ask her but things couldn’t be worse.

  As I walk out of the room, I find the doctor coming inside the large stained glass doors. Bits of snow come in with her and she brushes off her coat on the mat.

  “Hello Sandra,” I greet her.

  She looks up and smiles at me. “Hi Nicholai. How are you?”

  I take her hand and lead her to the elevator. “Not great. Glad you’re here.”

  She kisses my cheek, a thing I didn’t use to allow her to do when she was my slave over three years ago. She stopped that lifestyle and with that, she began to treat me the way she wanted to.

  I kiss her cheek back and run my arm around her shoulders, pulling her in for a hug as the elevator doors close. “What’s wrong?” she whispers as I hold her to me.

  “So many things, Sandra. So many,” I say as I can’t stop hugging her.

  “Nicholai, I talked to your father. He told me about what happened to the young woman. It’s a tragedy but she’ll be fine. I’ll make sure of that.”

  I let her out of my tight hug and run my hand over her dark hair. “I can’t explain it all to you. It’s hard for me to take it all in. I love her but what she’s been through may have made huge changes in her. She’s dead set on there being no domination by me and I can’t stop that entirely. It’s how I was raised.”

  She nods and seems to understand me. “I’ll talk to her as well as examine her.”

  “She may not tell you this, she didn’t tell me. It was her father who told me. He had her locked up for over a year. He had the people who were watching over her, give her sedatives three times a day for that entire time. She’s been off them about four days now.”

  Her eyes droop with sadness. “How terrible for her. I think she should also see a psychiatrist.”

  “Me too. I’ll get that all set up for her,” I say as I open the door to my apartment.

  “About how she’s changed, Nicholai. You should give this thing some time between you two. I know you’re a man who’s never been in love. To say you love her is a huge thing where you’re concerned. Don’t make any hasty decisions, either way. She’ll need time and you will too.”

  I nod and take her to the bedroom. “She’s in here.”

  Sandra stops as she sees I’ve let Natasha come into my bedroom. “You
allow her in your personal bedroom?” she asks with a frown.

  “Yes,” I say and watch the pain spread over her face.

  “Nicholai, can I ask you a question?”

  “You may,” I say and take her chin in my hand to get her to look at me as she was looking down.

  “Why her? What did she have that I didn’t?” she asks me as tears pool behind her dark eyes.

  “I cannot explain it at all. She had an unbreakable spirit that I admired. But I’m afraid that spirit has been broken and she seems to fight like a dog that’s been chained up and she looks at me like I am trying to chain her up again.”

  “If she can’t be who you want anymore, would you ever think of giving me a chance again? In a normal relationship, not like what we had before.” Her eyes search mine and I find myself feeling bad about what I have to tell her.

  “Sandra, you are a magnificent woman. Any man would be lucky to have you. I wish I could tell you what you want to hear. My heart beats only for Natasha. If she’s changed into a person I cannot live with or a person who cannot live with me, it will leave me very broken. You wouldn’t want a broken man, now would you?”

  She shakes her head. “I see it in your eyes. You love her. You really do. I’ll go take care of her for you. I’ll do all I can to get her to see your love for her is real and you won’t hurt her. You won’t, right?”

  “I will never hurt her,” I tell her, then open the door. “Thank you, Sandra.”

  Natasha is asleep I see as Sandra goes to her. “I’ll wake her up. Wish me luck, Nicholai.”

  I nod and close the door. Leaning my back against it, I wonder if I will ever get to be happy. Will things ever work out right for me?

  NATASHA

  “You don’t seem to understand me, Doc. I want to get better, I do,” I say.

  He looks at me with a knowing smile on his thin lips. “Tasha, it’s been nearly an entire year of me seeing you once a week. And still, you refuse to let me in completely. I cannot help you if you don’t. Should I find another psychiatrist for you?”