Weapons of Mass Distraction

by Camilla Chafer

  “Tragedy,” echoed her friend as they gathered their things. “Nice to meet you, dear. Good luck with the rat problem.”

  “Good luck! I’ll tell my boy you’ll call,” added Mother Rat-catcher like I was making a date with him. I hoped he wouldn’t sit by the phone because if so, it would be for a very long time.

  We waited until they were gone, leaving the small cafe clear, before I called Solomon.

  “How’s your first day so far?” he asked.

  “I don’t think I want to work in a gym,” I told him, honestly. “It’s really not me.”

  “Okay. What have you discovered?” I started to tell him, but he interrupted me, “Not what you’ve discovered about why you don’t want to work in a gym.”

  “Shame. That list is long. Anyway, it’s not a discovery I’m calling about. More of a hunch.”

  “Go on.”

  “I told you the about the handlebars and the pinprick on Jim’s finger, right? That there was something really strange about it. I think you should check for poison.”

  “Poison?”

  “Yeah. Poison. Karen Doyle too. I don’t know if she was poisoned, but I know she had a water bottle when she was on the treadmill and she drank from it. That would be an easy way for someone to get poisoned.”

  “Poison?” Solomon said again.

  “Uh… yeah.”

  “Lexi, what did you think we were swabbing the handlebars for?” he asked, very slowly.

  “Um…” I actually didn’t think about it, and I began to color. “Poison?” I squeaked, pulling a face.

  “You got it.”

  “Oh, right. Well, I think Karen Doyle’s water bottle should be checked for poison too.”

  “It’s pretty hard to poison someone with water.”

  “I don’t know if she was drinking water. Maybe she had a protein shake or something. That would disguise the taste of anything weird. Her face went all puffy and her lips, too. Now that I think about it, it could have been an allergic reaction.”

  “Do you happen to have the bottle?”

  “I gave the bottle to you with the other evidence I gathered.”

  “Okay. Flaherty caught a case so I’ll make a call to the ME and suggest running a tox panel while they autopsy. I think she’ll go for it since Karen Doyle was pretty young to die of natural causes. I'll suggest she looks at Jim more closely too based on the evidence you found.”

  “Great!”

  “What about Lorena?” Solomon asked.

  “Keep up, boss. Lorena was stabbed,” I said before I hung up. I reached for the laminated menu that was sandwiched between the condiments. One side had smoothies, shakes, and blended fruit juices. The other side had healthy food. For a gym, it looked pretty good.

  “What did he say?”

  “My hunch was useless. He already planned on swabbing the evidence I collected from the spin bike for poison, but he is going to tell the ME to run a tox panel on Karen too. I think I embarrassed myself.”

  “Not the first time,” said Lily. “Not the last either. I hope you brought nice clothes to change into. We have a fitting to make.”

  Chapter Six

  With Lily and Jord’s wedding fast approaching in less than two weeks, we were at the final stages of dressing. I couldn’t have been happier for my best friend and brother, finally finding true love with each other, although Lily discovered it at least ten years before. Jord eventually woke up and realized he could lose his perfect woman. Well, I was more than happy. I was thrilled, but distracted. The thrill was fine. The distraction would only dissipate after we cleared up the mess at the gym, but for now, as Lily tried on her wedding gown, that enigma was far from my thoughts.

  “It’s beautiful,” I told her, for the umpteenth time. “Really beautiful.”

  “I know,” agreed Lily, eyeing herself in the mirror. “So what if it’s not the dress I really wanted? It’s five thousand dollars less, and who can argue with that? I want to be independent, just like you. If you can do it, so can I.”

  “Exactly,” I agreed, smiling at Lily’s reflection, both of us avoiding the tiny trace of disappointment in her eyes. I had to applaud her attitude though, she could easily have gone to her distant parents and asked for more money, but she didn’t, insisting that she didn’t want them to just throw cash in her direction. I wondered if it had anything to do with Lily barely seeing her parents recently, as they rarely came home to Montgomery.

  “But do I get the short veil or the long veil?” Lily asked.

  “Try them all on again,” I suggested, bouncing on the soft ottoman like a kid in a candy store.

  “Or maybe a tiara.”

  “Both.”

  Lily glanced at me. “It isn’t too much?”

  “Pah! Who cares? Try them all. Excuse me! Miss! Can my friend try on your tiaras?” I asked, looking around for the assistant who had shown us in only fifteen minutes before.

  A beige-suited woman appeared from behind one of the expansive swathes of curtains that draped the fitting studio. She was holding two flutes of champagne, which she set on a small table away from Lily’s gown. Lily introduced us briefly. Her name was Sharon and I recalled she wasn’t just a store assistant. She owned the Perfect Brides boutique. “Of course. Did you have something in mind?” she asked.

  “Yes,” said Lily, turning to her left and giving her skirts a swish. “All of them.”

  “An excellent choice,” agreed Sharon, beaming as if she’d never seen an undecided bride before. “I’ll gather some for you to try on. Short veil or long veil to accompany?”

  “Yes,” said Lily.

  The woman smiled and nodded, resisting a laugh at Lily’s infectious enthusiasm for all things bridal.

  “Do you think Jord will like it?” Lily asked, smoothing a non-existent crease from the front of the skirt.

  I stood next to her, a half-foot shorter thanks to the small podium, which added a good six inches to her height and we gazed at her dress in the reflection of the mirror. It was beautiful. A strapless, fitted, satin bodice, overlaid with creamy-white lace and a skirt that flared from her hips to the floor. Times had changed since the days when Lily wouldn’t even look at the price tag. Her mother might have simply set up an account with the store and told her to buy whatever she wanted, but Lily steadfastly refused. I knew what Lily really wanted was some of her mother’s time and that wasn’t available.

  “You’re a knockout. He’s going to love it,” I assured her, knowing my brother would appreciate anything she wore.

  “You’re sure?”

  “Knowing my brother, I am sure he loves you and he’ll love anything you wear. Except a potato sack. We’re from Irish stock and get a little sensitive about that.”

  Lily laughed and reached for my hand. I gave it a squeeze. “Who knew this would happen?” she said. “I marry Jord; we get to be sisters-in-law!”

  “Don’t forget I’m your bridesmaid too.”

  “Chief bridesmaid,” Lily reminded me.

  “The only bridesmaid!”

  “Are you sure you don’t want to wear white like Pippa Middleton?” Lily asked, pointing to the black bridesmaid dress with a white sash I selected from an array she deemed acceptable. It hung over the changing room rail, looking the right side of sexy for a wedding.

  “No. If you were getting married in a cathedral to royalty, I would.”

  “Probably too late for that now,” said Lily, after some thought.

  “Next time,” I grinned, dodging to the right before she could cuff me upside the head.

  “Shame you’re not exactly single,” Lily mused.

  “Why’s that?” I asked, not thinking it was a shame at all. Since Solomon and I had finally gotten our acts together and decided to give “us” a shot, my romantic life was going great. Unfortunately, only Lily and Anastasia knew that. Anastasia had since left town for her job in the city, and Lily was sworn to secrecy. I had an inkling she told Jord, however, but he never said a thi
ng. Come to think of it, Solomon and I still needed to have that chat…

  “Have you seen Jord’s groomsmen?” Lily asked, raising one perfectly arched brow.

  “I have. I have also seen one naked, but I’m not saying which one.”

  “Tell. Me. Now.” Lily fixed me with The Look, but I was saved from interrogation by Sharon returning with an armful of boxes, which she set on the ottoman I recently vacated. “Ooooh! Pretties,” Lily exclaimed, and I knew I was safe for now. That meant the groomsman was also safe from my brother who probably wouldn’t be thrilled hearing about that accidental night, which turned into an accidental weekend several years ago.

  As I watched Lily rifle through the boxes, I mused on weddings, allowing myself to daydream a little. There’s something amazing about weddings and how an event like that affects people. It makes people happy and hopeful and full of laughter and good memories. In Lily’s case, it made her even more excited and enthusiastic about life than normal. Considering that she’d been through a really rough time recently, I couldn’t have been happier. Plus, playing dress-up legitimately, and without anything that involved Spandex and embarrassing photos later, was pretty fun.

  “This is the one,” said Lily, pulling a tiara from the very last box. There were already two dozen spread around the fitting studio, at haphazard angles from where they’d been discarded in their boxes. Lily held it aloft. “This is the one for me.” She placed it on her head, while the manager fiddled with the combs, tucking them into Lily’s curls as she turned to the mirror. I couldn’t argue. It looked perfectly elegant with the dress.

  “Yes, it is,” I agreed. “You don’t even need a veil.”

  Lily looked wistfully at the heap of veils she’d tried on and discarded. “Shame,” she said.

  “Maybe next…”

  “There will be no next time! One wedding and one wedding only!”

  “Maybe I’ll wear a veil,” I said, picking one up and attaching it to the top of my ponytail, then fluffing it over my shoulders. “How’s that?”

  “Cute. Did Solomon propose?”

  “Nope.”

  “Did you?”

  “Nope. Remember, we’re not telling anyone yet.”

  “I’m sure no one noticed at all that you and your boss are getting smoochy.”

  “No one noticed last time.”

  “You were pretending to be a married couple then. You were in your undercover role.”

  “And now, we’re not. We’re barely working this case together. I don’t even know when we’ll see each other next, thanks to the undercover aspect taking up all my time.”

  “But you are dating?”

  “Yes. No. Maybe. Yes,” I replied.

  “And you actually go out on dates? When you’re not going at it like rabbits?”

  “Lily!” I pretended to be affronted, but it was so true. “Yes, we go out. To places no one can see us.”

  “I bet the whole of Montgomery has seen you.”

  “They’re all being very quiet about it if they have, and this town is anything but quiet.”

  “Especially your family.”

  “You remember the last wedding?” I asked her. “My cousin Sian?”

  “She throws a good punch,” said Lily and we both pulled faces. “Three hundred people and a six-tier cake. My wedding will not be like that.”

  “You wish.”

  “It won’t. We’re having a quiet, outdoor wedding in The Belmont’s courtyard, then a civilized wedding breakfast, and after that, a big party with chocolate cake. The Belmont’s security staff has been thoroughly briefed.”

  “Good to know.”

  “Try on your dress,” suggested Lily, nudging me in the direction of my bridesmaid dress. “I don’t want to hog the mirror,” she added, admiring her reflection from every possible angle.

  I checked my watch, noticing the time. The daily meeting would be over, but I still had to get to the agency’s office to write my initial report; not to mention, start running background checks on the deceased. “I can’t. I have to go.”

  “Where? Did you get a break in the case already?” Lily was off the podium and whirling around, trying to undo the dress before I could say no. “Really? Oh, that sucks. I don’t want to be callous, but do you think it will be over before the wedding? I want you totally focused.”

  “I’ll do my best, but I’m not sure the killer is working to accommodate your schedule.”

  “Stupid serial killers,” said Lily, pouting.

  “Tell me about it. Right now, we don't even know if the deaths are connected. I have to go to the office to run some background checks, and then, I need to go home and take a shower. Tomorrow, I have another shift at the gym. On the plus side, with all the extra exercise I’m getting, I will look a lot better in my bridesmaid dress!”

  “Just so long as you don’t get murdered. I don’t have time to get a new chief bridesmaid. Can you help me out of this?”

  I helped Lily unzip her dress, leaving her to shuffle into a large changing cubicle. While Lily dressed, I repackaged as many of the tiaras as I could. By the time she emerged, clad in blue jeans, t-shirt, and a smart blazer, the manager had reappeared.

  “You didn’t have to do that,” Sharon said, noticing my neat pile of boxes, “but I really appreciate it; thanks. You have no idea how many times a day I have to re-package these things.”

  “You won’t have to box this one again,” said Lily, clutching her tiara to her chest. The wedding gown was draped over her shoulder and she was also trying to hold her purse and the straps of her heels. She might have had better success if she were an octopus. “Thanks,” she said when I relieved her of her purse and heels. I pulled the dust bag from her purse and dropped her heels inside it as Lily handed her gown and tiara to the manager.

  “Let me just check your final fitting…” said Sharon, taking the items and disappearing behind another curtain, only to reemerge empty-handed a moment later. “One week from today,” she said, “I think it’s perfect now, but we can do any last minute adjustments after you’ve selected your shoes. The full dress rehearsal. Are you excited?”

  “Ridiculously so,” said Lily. “Will the dress be secure here?”

  Sharon stopped. Her face paled and her breathing seemed to hitch. “Yes,” she stammered. “Yes, of course. No problem at all. We’re very secure. Why do you ask?”

  Lily shrugged and leaned over to pull on her boots. “No reason,” she said and I frowned as Sharon gave a long, relieved exhale before recovering her composure.

  “I’ll show you out,” said Sharon, guiding us from the changing rooms to the showroom. At the front door, she undid two bolts, then turned two locks. As she opened the door, I looked up, noticing the new security camera, safely hidden under the porch roof, aimed at the door. “Do call if you need anything before then. I’m afraid we’re ‘appointments only’ now,” Sharon added. We stepped onto the sidewalk and the door shut softly behind us. Even with the noise of the traffic, and the gaggle of teenage girls in prep uniforms walking past, I still heard the sound of the bolts sliding into the place, and the clicks of the locks turning.

  “That was odd,” I said.

  “What?” Lily rummaged in her purse, before revealing her retrieved car keys.

  “Do you think the manager was acting funny?”

  Lily’s forehead wrinkled. “Sharon? I didn’t really notice.”

  “There’s a lot of new security here. More than when we first came to see the dresses and when did they go to ‘appointments only’?”

  “I don’t know. It’s probably nothing. You’re getting too used to crimes and weirdoes.” That was probably true. All the same, I had a nagging feeling that all wasn’t well with the wedding store as Lily leaned over and gave me a quick hug and air kiss. “Keep me informed of You Know What,” she said, waggling her fingers as she turned to walk to her car, parked next to mine. “And ask Solomon outright what the hell is going on with you two!”

&n
bsp; ~

  The array of databases I had access to, thanks to the Solomon Agency, was dazzling. Sometimes, they were really tempting, too. After all, I could look up the credit history of anyone I knew! But, despite being a career snoop, I knew Solomon frowned upon that sort of thing. So, as of now, I hadn’t snooped on anyone that I wasn’t supposed to. I figured my days were numbered. One could only be virtuous for so long. Since I probably should have started the background checks prior to beginning the undercover role, I figured the virtuous angle was already pushing it. However, time was of the essence and this was the first moment I found to delve into the potential victims’ lives.

  I had plenty to keep me occupied from thinking about Lily’s burning question. Jim Schwarz, Karen Doyle, and Lorena Vasquez all needed to have their backgrounds crawled through if I were to get a well-rounded picture of who they were in life. Since they were dead, and I was trying to ascertain whether all three were killed, I figured they probably wouldn’t mind, but I didn’t expect them to say thank you.

  Since I actually knew Lorena, I worried that digging through her virtual records might be more testing on my emotions than the other two potential victims, so I put her off until last. I chose to start with Jim Schwarz.

  Jim was an unassuming man. He kept a steady job and was employed as a research assistant for a little over a year. Prior to that, he had a short gap in his resume after working nine years for the same firm of which he directed a lab. I wondered what might make him switch roles after nine years to take up a job so inferior to his qualifications. Was it a change of scenery or a change of pace? I doubted he received a better paycheck at his new job.

  His Harbridge apartment was a two-bedroom that he’d been slowly renovating. That was something I picked up when combing through his phone records, noting several calls were placed to a kitchen and bathroom showroom. His driving license was clean and he paid monthly installments on a Toyota. An internet search revealed he was a keen cyclist and took part in charity races as well as long distance cycling vacations. He didn’t subscribe to any kind of social media. His credit history was good. I couldn’t see any evidence of a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Altogether, he seemed like a very average citizen. With the plain evidence of his life accumulated in the file on my desk, I failed to see any compelling reason for someone to murder him. Then again, as I’d learned over the past year, an awful lot of people conceal an awful lot of secrets.