Weapons of Mass Distraction

by Camilla Chafer

  “Sam!” exclaimed Serena, looking appalled, probably because he got it right. Delgado just grinned.

  “That’s what Dad said! And Uncle Jord finally got a woman — Dad said that too! — how come Aunt Lexi can’t get a date?”

  “I didn’t say that!” said Garrett, patting a napkin to his mouth before reaching for his wine glass. “Or any of the other stuff,” he mumbled, quietly adding, “exactly.”

  “Is it because you shoot men?” Sam asked me, just when the table got quiet again.

  Everyone looked at me. “Urgh!” I choked.

  “I definitely do not give him those ideas,” said Garrett. “Anyway, you haven’t shot that many!”

  “Knew it,” whispered Sam to Ben. “Many means ‘some’.” They gave me approving nods.

  “Me either,” said Traci. “Wild imaginations, these boys. Pass the wine, honey.” Garrett passed her the wine bottle and she filled her glass to the brim.

  “But Mooooom!” wailed Sam.

  “Let’s have a kid’s table,” suggested Mom. “All in favor?” All hands were raised. There was only so much we could take of the innocence of youth and we had only eaten the entrees. The wine had barely been opened. I passed my glass to Garrett as, across the room, Lily caught my eye. “Help me,” I whispered just as my mother leaned over.

  “I’m taking a journalism class. We’re on the blogging segment. You could write a blog about your dating life. Maybe you would get a book deal? Oh!” Mom’s eyes widened and she extracted a notepad from her bag, writing notes furiously. “I had a better idea,” she said, pausing to look up at me. “I’ll write a blog about your dating life and maybe we can get you some nice dates! I think I’ll let the Montgomery Gazette know. Maybe I could write an article for them. It’d be like The Bachelorette, but on paper."

  "What happened to Tai Chi?" I wailed. "Why can't you have a nice hobby?"

  "I love Tai Chi, but I'll love getting you married off more. Next year, this wedding could be yours!”

  “Can I be bridesmaid?” asked my nieces simultaneously.

  I looked at the empty chair next to me. “Urggghhh,” I squeaked and took a big swallow of my wine before setting it down. This was going to be a long, long night and I had to drive home, so I couldn’t even get through it by pickling myself with alcohol.

  Chapter Fourteen

  After the dinner, Jord took off for a shift, explaining he was saving all his vacation leave for the honeymoon. My sister and other brothers took their kids home. Since I was dateless, and Lily too inebriated to drive, I volunteered to be Lily’s ride and somehow, somewhere along the way, coincidentally right around the time I filled her in on the break in the case, we decided to stake out Carter Simons Junior’s house.

  I tried not to question the wisdom of stalking our top suspect as we watched his large, double-fronted house on the outskirts of Montgomery, from quite a way down the street. There were a bunch of cars on the driveway and parked on both sides of the street, and judging by the raised level of noise, as well as people entering and exiting, there seemed to be a party going on.

  “This is great,” said Lily, staring at the entrance through her binoculars, a recent addition to her kit. Admittedly, they made more sense than the dog bone. “We can sneak in, mingle, and take a real good look around.”

  “No, we can’t. I met this guy, remember?” I reminded her as she passed the binoculars to me. I watched a couple walk up the path and turn towards the door. The man was Joseph O’Keefe and the woman had a gorgeous wave of dark blonde hair that fell around her shoulders. They were holding hands so I figured she must’ve been his wife. They disappeared through the open front door and away from view.

  “He might not remember you.”

  “We pissed him off,” I reminded her, mentally picturing Junior’s angry countenance as he insisted we never return. “He’ll remember me.”

  Lily looked over her shoulder at her bag. “Disguise?”

  “Hell to the no.”

  “You are such a spoilsport. I remember when you were all for breaking and entering.”

  “I know, but this one is different.”

  “Yeah?” asked Lily, pulling a face. “How?”

  “Well…” I paused, feeling stumped. I could have said “this guy is alive” unlike the first house I’d ever broken into. There, the missing corpse of my dead boss had unexpectedly turned up after his killers left it there, far from the murder scene. My most recent snooping adventure was prowling the rear yard of my neighbor, Aidan, whom we suspected might be a serial killer. As it turned out, he just had a weird dog that liked watching horror movies, and a career in furniture-making that required all manner of scary-looking tools. I’d barely gotten away without being seen, and still wasn’t sure if he knew the extent of my snooping. He made me a bench as a housewarming gift though, and we went to dinner twice, so I figured he liked me regardless.

  “See? I knew you couldn’t think of a thing. Let’s go crash this dude’s party and find out what he did to this Avril chick.”

  “We don’t know if he did anything. We didn’t even ask him about Avril because we didn’t know about her then. Maybe he’s just super defensive and private about his family’s company and didn’t want us snooping around.”

  “Yeah, right. He’s guilty.”

  “Who made you judge and jury?” I continued scanning the area. The sidewalk was empty, the front door was still open and every so often, someone passed by, just brief blurs of shapes.

  “Me, and I do it well. What's with the lack of confidence?”

  “I’ve got it wrong before, you know.”

  “The Lord dude?”

  I set the binoculars in my lap. “No, I got that right. He was a fraudster.”

  “Oh, then the other guy? The cute one.”

  Ben Rafferty, or whatever his real name was, had certainly thrown me. I wavered back and forth on his guilt, eventually accusing him, only to find evidence pointing to another guy, and nearly destroying the case. As it turned out, they were both guilty; but for a while, my confidence was rocked. I should have trusted my gut in the first place. Today, it told me that Carter Simons Junior wasn’t a man to be messed with. He became angry too quickly and I didn’t want to do something stupid, that in turn, made him do something even more stupid. Like calling the cops on me.

  “I don’t want to talk about Ben Rafferty,” I sulked. “He sucks.”

  “He’s still on the run.”

  “Yeah, but the FBI are running after him now. Anyway, I solved the case and Solomon and the client were happy with the outcome.”

  “You don’t have to justify it to me. Now are we gonna keep discussing this? Or can we sneak in and go through Junior’s drawers?”

  “We are not going though his drawers. Or his wardrobe or anything else,” I added after catching Lily’s eager expression. “We’re not going in… period.”

  “Maybe a little snoop around the outside?” Lily suggested. “We came all this way and it’s dark, so the chances of us getting caught are zero. We could take a walk around the perimeter. Maybe we could overhear something?”

  “Fine,” I conceded. “Just a little exterior snoop. We’re not going to get close… hey, wait for me!” I yelled as Lily scrambled out of my car. I hightailed it after her as she power-walked to the Simons’ house in four-inch heels.

  “Isn’t this great? No electric gates. We can just walk right in!”

  “No! We just can’t anything. We talked about this, Lily. We’re just going to take a walk around the block and… Lily?” I stopped, suddenly alone on the sidewalk. I turned around, just in time to catch a flash of Lily’s dress as it disappeared past the fence. I jogged in my heels back to her. “Damn it!” I said as I watched her walk right into the Simons’ house. “Heel issues,” I said to the couple giving me a sly look a moment later as they stepped around me, following Lily inside. I waited until they were gone before I backed away, cursing. Lily was inside and she wasn’t coming out.<
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  Since I couldn’t risk following her, and would have looked odd to anyone who saw me by just standing there on the sidewalk, I needed to make a plan fast. I couldn’t wait and I didn’t want to walk back to the car without Lily. I reached for my cell phone as it began to ring in my little purse, hoping I wasn’t about to get chewed out by Solomon. How he would know Lily had just gate-crashed our chief suspect’s house, I didn’t know, but he always seemed to know all kinds of stuff.

  As it happened, it was Lily. “You gotta come in here, the house is sooo nice,” she cooed. “I’m taking photos.”

  “Oh my God! Has anyone seen you?”

  “Oh, sure, like all the guests. It’s a birthday party for Julia. The cake is gorgeous. I think it’s from the same bakery that’s doing my wedding cake. I’m sending you a photo. They have the cutest butterfly spray on top.”

  “Who’s Julia? Where are you right now? Can anyone hear you?”

  “Duh!” sniffed Lily. “I’m in the powder room. I think I’m going to ask for the interior designer. I’d love to have them do my house.”

  “No! No, you cannot do that!” Someone passed by the front door and I sidled backwards behind a large bush, holding a palm to my head. The last thing I needed was Lily mingling, though I had to concede the photos could be a good idea. It was also, I believed, very unlikely, Lily could be murdered inside with so many witnesses.

  “Why not?”

  “Because you’re not supposed to be there. Come out and don’t get caught.”

  “Pfft! I am not going to get caught. I’m just going to have a little look around, eat some cake, make some small talk, then leave. Or you could come in?”

  I gave a strangled noise as Lily hung up. I took three whole seconds to consider joining her before deciding she was on her own this time. That left only one other option. I turned away from the house and started walking, sticking to the task I suggested. The house occupied a corner plot, so all I had to do was walk the length of the front yard, round the corner, and follow the noise coming from the garden. It was pretty sedate really. No loud, thumping, music, just some popular tunes at a moderate decibel level through speakers, and no yelling. Just conversation and people in good spirits. I walked the entire garden, concealed by the tall fence, looking for some place to peep through and found a knot in the wood that created a little hole just at my eye level as I doubled back. Pressing myself to the fence, I peeped into their garden, feeling like a total creep.

  Most of the guests were gathered on the patio, the other side of the small kidney-shaped pool, from my vantage point. I could see a couple of waiters circulating with wine glasses, as well as people who were crossing in and out of the house via the French doors. I couldn’t see Lily yet, so I just hoped she wasn’t doing something stupid, like getting caught.

  While much of my side of the garden remained shrouded in dusk, the house lights spilled plenty of illumination onto the patio and there were a dozen candle-lit lamps dotting the environs as well as fancy patio heaters. I could see O’Keefe and his wife chatting to another couple, but I couldn’t identify any of the guests or recognize anyone from Simonstech. That didn’t mean there weren’t any there. Solomon and I didn’t see too many people when we visited. I figured if it was Mrs. Simons’ birthday, maybe the guests leaned more towards her friends and family than her husband’s. Just as I thought that, Simons Senior stepped through the French doors, a striking woman on his arm. She was the Simons matriarch, and apparently quite a well-known local philanthropist. A younger woman in pearls and a fitted, sheath dress followed them outside to the chorus of “Happy Birthday!” and a burst of applause. She held her hands to her chest and swished her hair around, beaming under the spotlights, both visibly flattered and delighted. Could this be Julia, the guest of honor this night? Behind her, more waiters stepped through, bearing trays with little plates, which they began to circulate. As I watched them, I saw Junior approach and whisper something in her ear. She nodded, and followed him inside.

  The only problem was, while I could guess plenty, I couldn’t hear a thing, much less question anyone. Pulling away from my little peephole, I leaned against the fence and texted Lily, Where are you?

  Seconds later, my screen flashed. Coming out, it read. Meet you out front.

  I took one last peep, assuring myself there was nothing more to see, and speed walked around to the front to meet Lily. I didn’t have to wait long before she joined me on the sidewalk. “I had to come get you,” she said, grabbing my arm. “I found that Carter guy and his wife, Mrs. Carter… “Ohmygosh! Mrs. Carter! He’s married to Beyoncé?” Lily squealed. “Oh, the look on your face, Lexi! I’m joking. I know she’s not Beyoncé. Their house would be way bigger if she was.”

  “I’m not surprised you found them. It’s their house. I just saw them on the patio.”

  “Yeah, but they came inside when I was looking at one of their paintings and I think they’re having an argument.”

  “What about?”

  “I don’t know. He had her arm and they went into the study.” Lily stared at the house thoughtfully. “I think this way,” she said, grabbing my hand and tugging me around the other side of the house. This side bordered with a neighbor’s and there was a narrow, paved, service path leading to the garden gates. “The study is on this side of the house and they shut the door, but I went in there earlier when I was looking for the powder room and there’s a window. We should go listen.”

  I brightened. Maybe this wasn’t a wasted trip after all. “Okay,” I agreed, following Lily as we hurried along the service path, my heart beating faster when a light came on in the neighboring house. We paused, and froze mid-step. After a moment, a shadow of a figure passed by a window, then the light went off.

  “There’s the window,” whispered Lily, pointing to a rectangular opening just above our heads, a few paces away. Then she pointed down at the pebble bed, spread a foot from the house. I nodded, showing I understood her warning not to step on it.

  “Let’s go.” We snuck in closer, then pressed our upper bodies against the wall, careful to keep our feet on the path, all the while listening intently. With the party concentrated in the backyard, and rear of the house, this side of the house was much quieter and the two voices were easily overheard.

  “Honey, I told you. It’s nothing for you to worry about.”

  “But Carter, I still don’t understand. I got the ring made just like the picture you gave me. They looked exactly alike. I didn’t know there was an engraving inside.”

  “It’s a simple mistake. Let’s just enjoy the party.”

  “Kelly doesn’t think it’s a simple mistake.”

  “Just stay out of it.”

  “What if she finds out you asked me to make a new one?”

  “I think she already figured out it’s a new one,” Simons replied, obviously agitated the more his wife persisted. “Let’s go back to the party.”

  “What if Kelly brings it up?” Mrs. Simons persisted.

  “Who’s Kelly?” whispered Lily.

  “Carter Simons’ wife.”

  “I thought that was Julia?”

  “No, the other Simons. Senior.”

  “Oh, right.” Lily nodded, turning away again. We froze as Lily’s foot crunched on the pebble bed between the path and the house, the bed we were so carefully avoiding standing on until now.

  “Shhh,” Junior hissed and we all quieted, including his wife.

  “What is it?” Mrs. Simons asked after a moment or two. I could imagine them both standing very still inside, as Junior listened.

  “I thought I heard something,” he said and Lily winced.

  “It’s probably the party,” Mrs. Simons said. “I don’t hear anything.”

  “Wait here.” There were footsteps, then a door opened, and I heard Mrs. Simons say, “Huh?”

  “We need to go,” I mouthed to Lily. She nodded quickly, as she extracted her foot and let the pebbles slip back into place before edging past
me, eager to get away. We hurried in tandem along the service path and ran straight into Junior. His surprised expression turned into extreme annoyance in a matter of seconds.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” he asked, his voice rising as he struggled not to shout.

  “Who are you?” said Lily, all innocence. “Is this Tony’s house?”

  “I should be asking you that!” he snapped.

  “Why? Are you looking for Tony’s house too?” she asked.

  “Don’t play dumb with me.” Junior took a step towards her, and to Lily’s credit, she didn’t move one bit even though he towered over her by several inches. “I know who you are. You’re both from the Solomon Agency and you’re snooping.”

  “I am not from the Solomon Agency,” said Lily. “I have a proper job. I inebriate people!”

  “I should call the cops on you two. What were you doing back there?” He looked past us, and while I was sure he knew the study was located there, I could only hope he hadn’t realized yet that the window was open and we were listening to his private conversation. “What did you think you would find?”

  “Tony’s house,” Lily quipped, persisting in her lie. I just hoped it was enough to get us out of this before Junior drew unwanted attention.

  “Cut the bullshit. I want you two out of here now.” He pointed off the property, taking me right back to the moment he threw Solomon and me out of Simonstech. He was clearly big on the pointy gestures. I suspected he must’ve taken a management seminar on them. “Get out of here!”

  “What’s going on?” asked a female voice. When Junior whirled around, I caught sight of the woman I guessed earlier was his wife. She was much prettier up close. “Carter? Who are these people?”

  “No one,” he said. “They were looking for another house. I was just giving them directions.” He turned again and speared both of us with a very threatening look. “They were just leaving.”

  “Why are you on our service path?” Mrs. Simons wanted to know, just as Joseph O’Keefe stepped around the corner, a small medicine bottle in his hand.