Once Upon a Time a Sparrow

by Mary Avery Kabrich

  Rob smiles.

  “It also makes sure that you don’t have bad dreams during the night and only the good parts are remembered. That’s why it’s sticky.”

  He touches the sticky part and looks up at me.

  “I have one, and I know it works.”

  “Hmm, interesting. It doesn’t have anything to do with fairies, does it?” When I don’t answer, he gives a friendly laugh. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try it out. Thanks, sis.”

  “You’re welcome. I really hope Dad lets you work with the track team.”

  “Me too.”

  Once the dishes are carried into the kitchen, I turn to Danny. “Danny, do you want to hear more of the story?”

  “Do you mean from the hidden chapters?”

  “Yes, because I think I know how it all ends. But first, I want to share the ending Mrs. Zinc read.”

  “I thought you did last night.”

  “You fell asleep and missed how it ended.”

  “Yes,” he says, hopping up and down. “I want to hear more. Tell me the part I missed.”

  “Okay, but remember, this is the ending that Mrs. Zinc read. I think you fell asleep right when I was telling you that Yram had a serious conversation with Ethan.”

  “I don’t remember, what’d she say?”

  “She told him that he had no business getting mad at her for not changing him, that he had to do the changing.”

  “But she’s the fairy who can do magic.”

  “Yes, but she knew if he didn’t believe he could walk and run without her help, then he would never be able to have what he really wanted: to be like the other kids and have friends and go to school and go hunting with his father.”

  “Then what?”

  “Well, this is the part that is sort of sad but not really. That night, she told him to follow her for the last time so she could give him the gift. He knew it was the dream catcher, and he was very excited. Like before, he was able to run and follow her, and she used magic that let him fly with her.”

  “I wish I could fly. It would be so cool.”

  “It is. I know because that’s the dream I had last night, and it could have been real.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Maybe it really happened, and I just think it was a dream.”

  “Maddie, you’re confusing me. Tell me the story.”

  “Once they got to Yram’s cave, it was all lit up, brighter than just the moonlight shining in. Inside was a beautiful dream catcher made with lots of gold thread.”

  “Like the round thing hanging over your bed? That’s a dream catcher, right?”

  “Yeah, except this one was made by Yram. Ethan went to it and reached out to touch it. When he did, it was like he was delivering the silk thread again. He was only touching the thread, but he felt the same feelings of winning. He touched it again and again, and each time he touched it, his belief in what he could do grew.

  “And this is the sad part. Yram explained that he had everything he needed to be who he wanted to be, and there wasn’t anything more she could do for him. She said, ‘Ethan, my gift to you is a place where you can always go to remember what you’re capable of. It’s up to you to choose to believe in yourself.’

  “Ethan said, ‘Yram, I want you to be my friend forever. I don’t have any other friends.’

  “Yram then said, ‘I’ll always be your friend, and you’ll make lots of new friends, but after tonight, you’ll never see me again.’”

  I pause and look at Danny. His expression doesn’t change. This was the part where I had to bury my face in my coat because I couldn’t hold back the tears. Even now, it makes me sad.

  “Yram then said, ‘When I become an angel, I’ll be your guardian angel. But first, I need to help someone else—that’s how I’ll get my halo.’”

  “Then what?” Danny asks.

  “Yram did fairy magic. She told Ethan to touch the dream catcher with his eyes closed and to allow himself to feel the happy feelings. She said that when he opens his eyes, he’ll be back in his bed, and the dream catcher will find a home within him. It will continue to catch the good he wants, and when he closes his eyes and sees it in his imagination, his belief in himself will continue to grow.”

  “Is that the end?”

  “No, there was one more last part. Ethan woke up and had a strong feeling that it would be a new day; that he was different. He remembered what had happened, but he couldn’t tell if it was real or a dream.” This is the other part that had made me cry. I take a deep breath. “That’s just like me, Danny.” Had Yram really spoken to me or had I only dreamed it?

  “What do you mean?”

  “My dream last night; it was so real I think it really happened. I was flying with Yram, I remember. She showed me a dream catcher that was mine.”

  “Tell me the rest of the story,” Danny whispers.

  “So Ethan closed his eyes and thought about what it would feel like to go to school, and instead of being all scared like he usually was, he started remembering how fun it was to walk far and to run, and that running felt real to him. Feeling like you can do something means you have . . . uh. . . con-fun-dance.”

  “What? I’ve never heard that word before.”

  “Me neither, but that’s the word, and Mrs. Zinc said it means you feel good about yourself because you know you can do something. I think it’s short for saying come have fun and dance. Anyway, Ethan’s parents saw his con-fun-dance and agreed to start letting him go to school, a few hours each day. Later, when the doctor checked him out, he said that Ethan was completely ready to spend all day at school. His father started taking him on hunting trips. Ethan never forgot about Yram, but he did wonder if his father was right, that maybe she was part of his imagination. And his father agreed that it could be a good thing to have a big imagination. Anyway, everything worked out for Ethan.”

  “That’s such a good story.”

  “It’s my favorite one.”

  “What’s the hidden part of the story?”

  “Remember Yram gave a message on a leaf to Mary, and she had to work on her reading skills in order to read it?”

  “I remember, and it’s a college word.”

  “Do you remember the word?”

  “No. Do you?”

  “Transformation. Even though she read the word showing she was no longer under the spell, she now had to teach Alice to read so that the land of Forever After would no longer be under a spell and Ethan would be visible again.”

  “Did she do this?”

  I pause, and suddenly this part of the story has faded away. I keep seeing last night’s dream and Yram saying I had broken the most important spell of all.

  “I think so.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’m having a hard time remembering this part. There might be more chapters, and because they are hidden, I can’t tell for sure.”

  ~CHAPTER 51~

  2005

  THE SCHOOL OFFICE is abuzz. Sandy clicks away at her computer while fielding phone calls from parents and reminding teachers to turn in their conference schedules. Multitasking must be the measured aptitude for making it as a school secretary. I’d never pass.

  “Good morning,” I say, smiling. “Here’s to a quiet day in the office.” I raise my right hand in a token toast. Sandy grins back at me and is greeted by a frazzled-looking substitute teacher. I scoop up a small pile of papers from my cubby, located in the middle of four alphabetically arranged rows of wooden slots. I step into the brightly lit hall, turn toward the wing leading to the school’s back entrance, and notice a corkscrew twisting in the pit of my stomach. I glance at my watch and walk at a fast clip toward my office.

  Up ahead, I see the buoyant blond hair and compact body of Diane waiting at my door. She must be crazy with curiosity. I had all but pleaded that we meet.

  “Dr. Meyers,” she playfully calls out. “So, am I in trouble or what?”

  “You could say that. Startin
g with the commotion you cause each time you let Clayton walk Sammy. That kid has a laugh like a siren.” We both giggle while I open my door, shuffle around test kits, and free up a couple adult-sized chairs. She plops down like an obedient child at the square table in the center of the room. Her face has an open glow to it. I leave my plush swivel chair tucked into my desk and sit across from her.

  An uneasy silence bubbles between us; the twisting in my gut returns.

  “I’m really glad you can give me a few minutes this morning.” I try to smooth the tremor from my voice. “There’s something I need to tell you.” My heart pounds wildly. This was not how I meant to start. Diane is wide-eyed, losing all traces of her bright glow. Without intending to, I stand up.

  “What is it? Are you okay?”

  For a moment, I’m dumbfounded. I had no idea how hard this was going to be. And now I’m freaking her out. I sit back down, give a quick forced smile, and feel the red heat of a blush work its way up from my chest, to my neck and face.

  “Diane, I, well, I said I would meet with Grace . . .”

  “But you’re too busy, I understand that. It’s really okay.”

  “No . . . it’s . . .”

  “Dr. Meyers, it’s okay. Grace will be fine.” Her face turns blotchy red, and it’s my fault. I’ve made her incredibly nervous. Damn. I search the corners of my mind for the words I had so carefully rehearsed.

  “But it’s not okay,” I say too firmly. She slides her chair back. I see fear in her eyes. I begin again, but I’m trembling. All at once I’m Maddie, screwing up word after word in front of my classmates.

  “Please, I need to tell you this.” I shift my attention back to my session with Irene. I make myself see Maddie. “My middle name is Madelyn. Those who knew me best as a child called me Maddie. Back then, I was like Grace, actually worse off, couldn’t read a damn thing for a very long time.” I say it all so fast, I’m practically panting. “I need to let Grace know. I need to tell her that even though it seems so out of reach—I mean, who would have ever expected that I, well, I was in special ed too.” My eyes prickle, and I blink them hard. She has settled solidly back in her chair. I can’t read her face, but I can only imagine the surprise. I look away, noticing my heart pounding as if I had slugged the tetherball so hard it flew off its tether.

  “You’re amazing,” she says in a relaxed voice. I shudder, and confusion swirls in my head. I’m not sure what she just said.

  “What I’m saying is, I used my busyness as an excuse to avoid seeing her. I’ve struggled with reading as much as, perhaps more than, Grace. It’s taken me close to forty years to accept this.”

  “But look at you now. It’s so hard to believe.”

  “I’ve hidden it well . . . but I can’t anymore. It’s part of who I am.”

  Diane looks directly at me and nods, but she couldn’t possibly understand.

  “You’re so intelligent, no one would ever guess.”

  I give a weak smile. I squelch the menacing voice inside that says, Something must be wrong with her.

  “It took so long for me to learn to read, I thought something was wrong with my brain.” I cast my eyes across the room to the bookshelf full of academic textbooks. “I had thought getting a PhD would help me feel smart. I don’t want Grace to ever question her intelligence.”

  Diane’s face is warm and open. I’m certain Kelly’s special children also seek refuge in Diane’s soft cushion of acceptance.

  “I tell her all the time she’s smart, and I’m never sure it’s enough,” she says.

  “I’m ready to meet with her. I think I can help. I . . .” My voice cracks, and I feel my cheeks burn red. “I needed to tell you first.”

  “Mary, there’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve always respected you; and now, all the more.” She meets my eyes, and I’m flooded with warmth. “I would love for you to share your past with Grace. You’re right, she needs to know what’s possible.” Before I can say another thing, she stands up, grins, and says, “Clayton the siren is waiting to walk Sammy.”

  I return her smile, and as the door closes, I whisper, “Thank you.”

  I sit at my desk and ponder. Was she uncomfortable with my intensity? Or was my revelation no more complicated than taking Sammy out to do his business? I suspect the latter: done and on to the next task. And yet for me, the universe opened up and shifted. I am newly stepping into the present, firmly holding the hand of Maddie. Never before have I shared outside the walls of therapy the truth of who I am.

  I replay our conversation. I allow the feel of Diane’s smile to sink in. Of course she’s concerned about Grace. But my past, for Diane, is no big deal. And that’s exactly the way it should be.

  It’s a little after ten. Already I’ve written an entire evaluation. At this rate, there’s hope I will finish all reports before the school year’s out. I stand up, stretch, and then make my way down the hall to Kelly’s class. I peek my head in; Diane is sitting opposite Clayton at a small rectangular table in a corner of the room, prompting him to sort plastic pieces by shape. Sammy is draped on a beanbag chair resting his head on the lap of the new student, Janie, who is jabbering away to him. I would have loved a dog as a classmate. Diane looks up, a little exasperated with Clayton, and notices me. She gives me a grin, and I know for sure that all is fine.

  I glance at my watch, wondering if by chance I can catch Matt before his next appointment. I move down the hall toward his office, feeling a lightness in my step. Up ahead, I see his tall frame leaning in conversation with petite Mrs. Lee. I slow myself down, hoping it’s a brief exchange. They nod at each other, and then Matt turns toward his office and catches sight of me.

  “Dr. Mary. You look as though you have something exciting to share.” Damn, he’s good at reading my body language.

  “Do you have a minute?”

  He glances at his watch and smiles at me. “For you, I have about five.”

  Once in his office, without thought, I collapse into the cushiony blue velvet beanbag. His eyebrows rise with a twinkling smile.

  “I see you’ve undergone a transformation.” He’s trying to be funny, but the astuteness of his comment almost makes me cry.

  “This morning, I came out to Diane.”

  I can see he’s thinking: What the hell, come out? About what? Sagely, he waits for me to continue.

  “I shared that, like Grace, I was dyslexic, took forever to learn to read.”

  “Never would have guessed.”

  “Yep. Kept it well hidden. If it hadn’t been for therapy, it would have stayed that way. Therapy’s been good for me. I’m finally feeling whole again.”

  He springs from his chair, spreads his arms out, and proclaims, “I’m so happy for you.”

  “You were right about Irene. She is good.”

  He smiles and sits back down, and I feel more connected to him than I’ve ever felt.

  “Once I learned to read, I never looked back. Completely divorced myself from who I was and what I had struggled with. After Mom died, it caught up with me.” I shift my gaze away from him and consider the irony. The one item of hers I wanted, the cedar chest, became a vessel returning me to my past . . . and the acorn.

  I look up at Matt, open my mouth to share, but there are no words to express what I have discovered. I reach into my pocket. “Look.”

  Matt is back on his feet, bending over as I hold the acorn up.

  “It’s so perfect,” I say. He gives me a questioning look. “It’ll take much more than the minute I have left to tell you the story about this acorn. Let’s just say, it’s an affirmation from my past, and I am now ready to move forward.” I scramble out of the beanbag and return the acorn to my pocket.

  Matt stands up in front of me with open arms. “Dr. Mary, this is so awesome.”

  ~CHAPTER 52~

  1967

  I’M SITTING in the backseat of Father’s car, alone with both my parents. Being by myself with them feels like a special occasi
on, and part of me is excited about this, but the heavy quiet takes away the excitement. It’s a good thing I decided to wear my coat. I’ve never been invited to a parent-teacher conference, and when I asked Paulette if she was going, she stared at me before saying, “Of course not, it’s only for parents.” But Mrs. Zinc wanted me to come. Even Mrs. Ellen will be there, and I’m glad my parents will meet her, because she’s now my favorite teacher.

  “Did she say seven or was it seven fifteen?” Father asks Mom.

  “I’m sure it’s seven. I think she said she had scheduled someone else at seven fifteen, and that’s why we need to be sure to get parked and to the classroom a little before seven.”

  “Okay, we’re doing fine. We should be there in another five minutes, giving us a good fifteen minutes to get situated.”

  I had to change in and out of my school clothes twice today. I didn’t want to sit around in the house with them on—I needed to play on the rope swing and visit the bramble bush. I don’t like how Mom and Father aren’t even talking.

  “Bobby and I made up a new game during recess that’s really fun.”

  “Bobby?” Mom asks. “I thought he was the kid who called you names all last year and this year.”

  “Not anymore. Now we’re friends. We both like running around on upper field make-believing we’re horses. We let the other kids try out to be part of our herd. They have to follow us and keep up. We pretend to go to all kinds of places.”

  “I’m glad to hear you’re getting along with him,” Mom says.

  “Madelyn.” Father’s deep voice fills all the empty spaces in the car. “Your teacher asked us both to come and you because this is an important conference.” I know this but don’t want to think about it. “She wants to discuss whether or not you’re ready for fourth grade.”

  My stomach tightens. I look out the window—we’re almost at school. I wonder if Mrs. Zinc might still be mad at me for taking her book. Ethan would be telling me to weave threads of gold. I replay in my mind her surprise, everyone’s, as I read the word dedication. I wanted to come home and tell my parents, but I didn’t want to tell about taking the book. I’m still not sure if it’s a sin, but Father would think it is.