A Mother at Heart

by Carolyne Aarsen

  Simon was quiet for a moment, as if acknowledging the difficulty of the decision. “I know this is a hard time for you to leave. But I’m scared if we wait any longer, we’ll miss her. I am really praying that it will work out in the end.”

  “So am I,” said Jake fervently, thinking not only of Fred and Tilly, but of Miriam, as well. “So am I.”

  “I’m glad Jake stopped by the hospital on his way out,” Tilly said as she sat back in her recliner in the living room. “Otherwise I wouldn’t have known anything about him going.”

  “How do you feel about this?” Miriam asked, curling up in one corner of the couch.

  Tilly shrugged as she picked up a magazine. “I think it’s a good idea. Jake has never said much about his biological mother but I know, since he had Taryn he’s been curious. I know he’s wondered what would make a woman give up two boys like she did. I imagine she must have been in quite a difficult position to do that.”

  “I pray he finds her,” Miriam said simply.

  “I’m glad you could stay awhile longer,” Tilly said. “Otherwise Jake couldn’t have gone at all. This won’t make your trip back too rushed?”

  Miriam shrugged the comment away. Each minute she stayed here added driving time to the trip. It would be tense, but if Jake came back when he said he would, she could make it by driving and sleeping in her car. “I’ll be okay.”

  “And when you do go back, we are going to hear from you again, aren’t we? I don’t want you to feel you’re all alone.”

  “I’m not, Tilly. I know how wrong I was to stay out of touch…” Her voice trailed off as she thought of what she had deprived herself of—Fred and Tilly and the love they had for her.

  “I care for you, girl, and I sense that you are uptight about this job you have to do. Do you want to talk about it?”

  Miriam gently shook her head. “I can’t. But I want you to know that I’m not going back because I want to. I have…obligations.”

  “Well, I want you to remember that you can always talk to the Lord.” Tilly leaned over and pulled out her Bible. She leafed through it and glanced up at Miriam. “This is a piece I like to read when I worry about the future.” She adjusted her glasses and began to read from Psalm 71. “In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame. Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness; turn your ear to me and save me. Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go: give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress.”

  Miriam listened to Tilly’s soft voice, letting the words comfort her. Then Tilly read, “Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.”

  “Can you read that again?” Miriam asked, sitting up.

  As she did, Miriam took a deep breath, as if to draw the very essence of the words into her. It was a promise. Did she dare cling to it? Did she dare think it would be true for her?

  Tilly read on and Miriam listened, feeling strengthened and nurtured. Nothing had changed, but she felt as if she had been given a port in the storm. Somehow she had to trust.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “Let’s stop here.” Simon slowed down by the restaurant just off the main road going through town, then turned in and parked in an empty spot right beside the building. He turned off the engine and laid his head back. Neither he nor Jake said anything. They were tired and disheartened.

  Jake was the first to get out. He wanted to stretch his legs. They’d spent the past two days driving, put on over a thousand miles and talked to a dozen people. Knowing they still had another two hours ahead of them before they were home made him feel exhausted. He hadn’t seen this much of Alberta since he and Simon were getting shuffled around the foster care system.

  “Well, that was a bust,” Simon said, getting out of his side of the vehicle. “I’m sorry, Jake. I guess we should have quit at Riverview when we didn’t find her, but I thought we were so close…” He let the sentence drift off.

  “It’s not your fault,” Jake said, as they walked past the huge windows to the entrance. “Besides—” he said as he pulled the double door open “—it was a chance to spend some time together.”

  “A lot of time,” Simon said dryly, as they stepped into the restaurant.

  “Are you going to stay the night when we get to the farm?” Jake asked, settling into a chair behind a table. He didn’t even bother consulting the menu tucked between the sugar container and the napkin holder. He just wanted a cup of coffee and a muffin.

  “Probably. If that’s okay with Tilly.”

  “It’ll be fine, and you know it.”

  “Will it be fine with Miriam?” Simon asked with a knowing smirk.

  Jake ignored him. He didn’t want to talk about Miriam with Simon. He didn’t dare spend too much time even thinking about her.

  “I remember a little pep talk you gave me one time,” Simon continued, clasping his hands and resting them on the table, leaning forward. “I remember your telling me not to underestimate what I had to offer Caitlin. I wonder if it isn’t my turn.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Look, I know as the big brother you’re supposed to be the one who has his act together, and for most of your life, you have.” Simon sat back as the waitress stopped at their table with a pot of coffee. After she’d filled their mugs and left to place their order, Simon poured sugar in his coffee and began to stir. “You’ve always been the one who knows where he’s going.”

  “And your point is?”

  “You don’t want Miriam to go.”

  “I don’t,” Jake agreed, blowing lightly on the steam of his coffee. “I don’t want her to go, but she has to. Or so she keeps saying.”

  “Have you asked her why?”

  “I’ve tried to, but she puts me off, like she doesn’t want to tell me.” Jake shrugged and took a careful sip of the coffee. “She’s hiding something, but I can’t get it out of her.”

  “You kissed her yet?”

  Jake tried not to, but could feel his neck grow warm. “Yes.”

  “Oh, goodness, my ever cool brother is looking a little sheepish.” Simon grinned. “And?”

  “And I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with you, Simon. You sound like a teenager.”

  Simon laughed. “Caitlin always says I never really experienced childhood—that’s why I won’t grow up. So? Spill.”

  Jake sighed, knowing his brother wasn’t going to quit. “I love her, Simon. Okay? I heard you say those words about Caitlin, and I remember feeling smug that I got you to admit it. So now I’m saying the same thing. I love her.” He rubbed his eyebrow with his index finger and shrugged.

  “And…”

  “And nothing. She’s lived a glamorous life, she’s used to flying all over the world and making money. You saw that fancy little car of hers. Can you imagine her living in Fred and Tilly’s house, getting by on a farmer’s income, shopping in a little Podunk town like Derwin?”

  Simon frowned as if contemplating. “You know what, Jake? I can.”

  Jake snorted. “You’ve only seen her for an hour. How in the world can you make that kind of assessment?”

  Simon sat back with a self-satisfied grin. “Because I’ve seen the way she looks at you, big brother. That’s why.”

  Jake heard what Simon said, his heart quickening. He thought of what Miriam had said just before he left, when she was trying to talk him into going to find his mother. How she had accepted what God had done for her. Why would she tell him that?

  He clutched his coffee cup, hardly daring to imagine that it could be.

  “I guess you’ve got things to talk to little Miriam about when you get home,” Simon continued.

  “I don’t have much left to ask her. I’ve already proposed.”

  “Then propose again. And again. Until she accepts.”

  Jake heard Simon, and wondered. Simon h
ad always been the stubborn one. Maybe his approach was better.

  The waitress came with their muffins, and Jake, feeling suddenly benevolent, smiled his thanks. She paused, her brown eyes holding his, then smiled carefully back.

  She set the muffins down in front of them before leaving.

  “So now what do we do?” Jake asked Simon.

  Simon shrugged, tapping the side of his mug with his finger. “I don’t know. I could ask Jonathan, Caitlin’s brother, to help. He could contact some of his fellow officers—they might find out something for us. I wouldn’t know where to start looking for someone whose name is J. Smith.” Simon sighed, and Jake knew how disappointed he was. He had thought they were so close. Looking back, it would probably have been wiser to phone ahead, but Simon had been so sure she would still be there.

  “Well, one good thing came out of it all,” Simon said with a weary smile. “We found out we have a sister. Cory Smith.”

  Jake returned Simon’s smile. “That was a bittersweet discovery,” he said. “I wonder if she’s full or half.”

  “Does it matter?” Simon asked quickly.

  Jake shook his head. “Not a bit. But it does make not finding Mom a little harder to take.”

  They were quiet a moment, each lost in his own thoughts. “I want to thank you for coming, Jake,” Simon said quietly. “It meant a lot to me.”

  Jake merely nodded his acknowledgment. All the way to Riverview, he had doubted and wondered if he had done the right thing by going on this quixotic mission. But seeing the gratitude on his brother’s face, and being there to find out for themselves from an old neighbor lady that they had a sister, balanced out the frustration. Somewhat.

  “More coffee, sirs?” The waitress stopped by their table, holding a coffeepot in one hand.

  Simon looked up and winked at her. “No, thanks, sweetie. We got a long ride ahead.”

  “Well, have a safe trip.”

  Jake felt Simon kick him under the table, and he looked up, frowning. Their waitress was looking directly at him, smiling. “Come again,” she said, laying the bill on the table.

  She had a throaty voice, compelling in its own way. Her cheerful smile seemed to light up a face dominated by deep brown eyes fringed with thick lashes. Her long hair, held back with a barrette, was a sandy shade of brown, curling down her back. Pretty, strikingly so.

  Once she would have made him take a second look, but now she did nothing for him.

  Jake returned the smile, careful not to look too welcoming. “We will,” he said with false cheerfulness.

  They walked out of the restaurant and into the warmth of the day, both anxious to get on their way.

  The trip back to Waylen was quiet. Jake and Simon were each lost in their thoughts. The closer they got to home, the more uptight Jake got. In spite of his brother’s assurances about Miriam, Jake knew that there was a lot that couldn’t just be willed away. She had other obligations and was used to a life-style he couldn’t begin to understand. And she had a secret she wasn’t telling him.

  As they pulled into the driveway, Jake sat straighter, looking for Miriam’s car. He felt a clench of disappointment when he saw an empty spot where it had been two days ago.

  “Looks like we’re too late. Again,” Simon said quietly.

  “She might just be back at her house,” Jake said, getting out of the vehicle. He almost ran to the house, anxious to find out where Miriam was.

  Tilly was sitting in her usual chair in the living room, when Jake burst into the room.

  “Well, hello, Jake,” she said, setting aside the book she was reading. “So you’re home. And right on time like you said.” She got up, carefully watching his face, probably to see if she could find any hint of what had happened. “So how did it go? You didn’t say much when you phoned to tell me when you were going to be home.”

  “We didn’t find her.”

  “Oh, Jake.” Tilly reached out for him and drew him into her arms. For a moment Jake allowed himself the comfort, feeling a little guilty that his mind was on other things—on Miriam, rather than on the disappointment of not seeing his biological mother.

  Tilly pulled back, shaking her head. “That is too bad. Did you find out anything?”

  “We found out we have a sister.” Jake smiled at his mother and shook his head, still unable to absorb that piece of news.

  “My goodness. That’s interesting.” Tilly clucked in sympathy.

  “How’s Dad?”

  “He’s much better. He’s coming home tomorrow. It was just a flu he couldn’t get over.”

  Tilly was about to ask something else, but after finding out that his father was going to be okay, Jake was done with amenities.

  “Where’s Miriam?”

  Tilly pressed her hand to her cheek and sighed. “She’s gone to her house. She got a phone call from some man named Carl. He called a couple of times. Once she knew when you were coming, she made arrangements. She’s only been gone a couple of minutes. I was supposed to give you a message. It’s on the kitchen table.”

  Jake felt his heart plunge into his stomach. A goodbye note, he thought. This time it was her turn. She had said she’d wait until he came back. Leaving just minutes before his return was cowardice. Miriam was avoiding him. And he was tired of it.

  He ran into the kitchen, almost knocking over his brother in the process.

  “What’s up, Jake?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Jake bit his lip, almost swaying with weariness. If only he and Simon hadn’t stopped in that restaurant. If only they had driven straight through. If only he hadn’t gone with Simon in the first place.

  If, if, if.

  It seemed his entire life was punctuated with those words.

  But he was tired of ifs. He wanted answers, and this time he wasn’t going to let her go without his finding them.

  “Simon, I want you to take my truck and park it on the road. Miriam has to come by here on her way out. I don’t want her going.”

  “Sure thing.” Simon threw him a mock salute and jogged out the door.

  Jake felt a measure of relief when he heard his truck start up. First line of defense in place, he thought. He turned to his mother, who handed him the folded note. “Did she say anything to you? Give you any hint why she decided to leave all of a sudden?”

  Tilly nodded, a sad smile curving her mouth. “Not really. Miriam had gone for a walk, and this Carl fellow phoned. He asked where Miriam was. I told him she was outside. Then he got angry and said something about her risking this job. I asked him to explain.” Tilly looked up at him, touching his shoulder lightly. “Jake, she risked losing an important job just to stay here. To help us out. Now she has to drive day and night to get there on time.” Tilly shook her head. “Jake, it’s a six-day drive to New York, and she has only four days to get there. It’s too dangerous. Don’t let her go.”

  Jake heard his mother’s words, trying to understand, realizing that Miriam had made a huge sacrifice so he could try to find his mother. He also realized that she wasn’t going to leave until she gave him the reason why.

  Jake’s chest lifted in a sigh. “I’m going to her house.”

  Tilly gave him a hug. “I’ll be praying for you both, son,” she said, sniffing lightly.

  Jake drew back, looked down at her softly wrinkled face, her bright blue eyes that shone with tears.

  Son. He hadn’t found his biological mother, but he had found a mother in Tilly.

  Now all he had to do was find the other woman in his life.

  He ran out to his truck. Simon was leaning against it, arms crossed, looking like a modern-day highwayman. “So far so good, brother,” he said, as Jake came running up to him. “Don’t come back without her,” Simon warned.

  “I won’t.” He jumped in, gunned the engine, spun around and headed down the road.

  Miriam dropped the last of her clothes into the suitcase and zipped it shut. She couldn’t help a quick glance at her watch, fea
r gripping her. Could she make it? Had she cut things too close? She pressed her hand against her stomach. “Please Lord,” she prayed. “Give me strength. Let me get back safely.”

  It was going to be long hard driving. She would have to grab some sleep when possible.

  She drew in another breath, wishing she had the nerve to stay and talk to Jake. But if she had, she might not have left. If she didn’t do this job and the next and the next, her debt would keep building.

  She had no choice.

  Miriam thought of what Tilly had read to her while Jake was gone.

  She walked out of the house and, without a second glance behind her, closed the door. The moon was out, and in its watery light she could see the maple tree. She set her suitcase down and walked over to it, touched it. While it wasn’t difficult to say goodbye to the house, it was going to be hard to leave this tree. For it was here that she had first felt the healing power of forgiveness.

  God’s forgiveness.

  She wondered if Jake could eventually forgive her.

  She knew it was a cheap move, to write him a note. It couldn’t begin to cover what she felt. She didn’t even know what she dared tell him. It was as if she were sixteen all over again, head over heels in love with Jake and unsure of herself.

  A cool spring breeze danced around her, and she shivered a moment, thinking of the dear people she would be leaving behind here. She leaned against the tree, sending out prayers. She prayed Fred’s health would improve. She prayed Tilly would be able to cope with it, knowing the deep love they had for each other. She prayed Taryn would get over her leaving. When Miriam had kissed the precious child good-night and told her she was leaving, Taryn had clung to her, crying and begging her to stay.

  Dear Lord, please take care of them all. Thank You for letting me come back for a while, for being able to be a part of their family. I love them all so much.

  And then she thought of Jake. She didn’t know how she could leave him again.