Hollywood Dead

by Richard Kadrey

  Neither of us talks for a while. We just pass the cigarette back and forth.

  I tap some ashes out the window and say, “I’m dying. By this time tomorrow I might be dead for good.”

  Alessa says, “Does Candy know?”

  “I told her. She’s going to be upset if it happens.”

  “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of her.”

  “Good.”

  I give her the last puff of the cigarette. She stubs it out against the sole of her shoe and tosses it out the window. I close it and we head back to the kitchen.

  “In the meantime,” I say, “you and me don’t have to be enemies.”

  Alessa stops.

  “And if you live?”

  “Not then either as far as I’m concerned.”

  “This is going to get complicated.”

  “Not if I die.”

  She gives me a look. “Stop saying that. You think I want someone Candy cares about dead?”

  “It would uncomplicate things.”

  “No it wouldn’t. They’d just be complicated in a different way.”

  “You’re probably right.”

  “Fuck,” she says quietly.

  “Yeah.”

  We start back to the kitchen.

  Alessa says, “Let’s just see how things go.”

  “That makes sense to me.”

  “Thanks for the cigarette.”

  “Anytime.”

  Candy looks relieved when we get back.

  “Eat,” she says. “Both of you.”

  I start on the meat she microwaved.

  Kasabian comes in.

  “I see you’re still dragging the necromancer around,” he says.

  “What necromancer?” says Candy.

  “Jonathan Howard,” I say between bites.

  “Can he keep you from dying?”

  “Yes. But he won’t. That’s why I kidnapped him.”

  Kasabian sits at the kitchen island and glares at me.

  “A shootout, dead cops, party to a kidnapping, and now we’re running from the Wild Bunch. Great to see you again, buddy.”

  “Shut up and eat.”

  WHEN WE FINISH, Candy says, “What happens next?”

  We leave the leftovers on the island and go into the living room. I take Ray’s piece of paper from my pocket.

  “Ray, a sort of brujo Carlos introduced me to, is researching ways to fix me. I gave him Vidocq’s number, but even with his help, I don’t know if they’ll come up with anything.”

  “Okay. But that doesn’t answer my question.”

  I hand her the paper.

  “I’m going to see the next name on the kill list.”

  “Hijruun,” she says. “What kind of name is that?”

  “I met a Hijruun in Hell once. A cackler. He was selling some curses to Azazel.”

  “What’s a cackler?” says Alessa from the couch.

  “They’re weird, ugly fuckers,” says Kasabian. “Big bags of bones. And when they talk, they always sound like they’re laughing.”

  “You think Hijruun might know something that could help you?” says Candy.

  She hands me the list.

  “Cacklers know a lot of arcane hoodoo. And I can’t just sit around here. Maybe if I warn Hijruun about the faction, he’ll trade me some information.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” she says. “Do you know where Hijruun lives?”

  “Technically in an alternate reality, but it’s a close one, so I can get there through the Room.”

  “Great. I’m going with you.”

  Alessa stands up.

  “Wait. You told me he did this kind of stuff all the time.”

  “He did,” says Candy. “When he was well. Look at him now.”

  She goes to Candy.

  “You told me, months ago, you were glad to not be doing this kind of crazy stuff anymore. The running around. The guns and magic and killing. You said you were happy.”

  Candy looks at me a little guiltily, then back at Alessa.

  “I am happy. But, well, look at him.”

  Alessa shifts her weight, getting angrier.

  “I am. Are you? He looks horrible. But according to you and Kasabian, he was always like this.”

  “Not always,” says Candy.

  “Always,” says Kasabian.

  “Now he shows up after all this time, almost gets us shot, and you go running back to him,” says Alessa.

  “It’s not like that,” Candy says.

  “Then how is it?”

  Candy takes Alessa’s hand.

  “I love our life. I’m not running back to him. But Stark and me have a lot of history together. That means something.”

  Alessa looks at me. It’s all in her eyes. She’s not angry. She’s scared. Not that I’m going to steal Candy from her, but that I’m going to do something dumb and get her killed.

  “Alessa’s right,” I say. “I created this problem the moment I agreed to work for Wormwood. It was a selfish and stupid bargain and it makes me pretty much as bad as them. But it was my choice. I’m not dragging anyone else down with me.”

  I start away and Candy says, “Don’t leave yet.”

  She hustles Alessa into one of the side rooms. I head into the bathroom. Kasabian follows me in.

  He says, “Spreading hope and sunshine wherever you go.”

  I open the medicine cabinet and go through it, looking for anything that might help heal me. I look at Kasabian.

  “Once upon a time, I thought we were friends, Kas.”

  “That was then. This is now. Friendship only goes so far when one of the friends spends all his time trying to get the other killed.”

  “You know that’s not true.”

  “I’m not saying you mean it. You just can’t help it. You said it yourself. You’re a shit magnet. And you’re going to fuck up me and the girls.”

  I toss bottles of pills and ointments into the sink. But I set aside a tube of antibiotic cream.

  “The three of you are going to stay here. I only have a few hours left. It will be morning soon. If you don’t hear back from me before dark, go home. You’ll be safe and I’ll be gone for good.”

  “And if you do come back?”

  “Odds are I won’t.”

  “What about Sleeping Beauty in the boudoir?”

  I’d almost forgotten about Howard.

  “If I don’t come back, let him go. But punch him in the balls for me. Just once.”

  Kasabian nods. “I can do that.” He leans against the wall. “This is a little weird,” he says.

  “What is?”

  “Saying good-bye like this. The first time you were gone, it was pretty abrupt. Now it’s sort of like putting down the family dog.”

  I look at him.

  “I’m going to take that as a compliment.”

  He shrugs, then asks, “You’ll be okay if you go back to Hell, right?”

  “I always am.”

  “It’s just … there’s no malice in this, okay? I want you to be all right. I just want you to do it far away.”

  I stop pawing through the cabinet and look at him.

  “Whatever happens, that’s the plan.”

  “Okay,” he says. “I hope shit works out for you.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You just scare me a lot of the time.”

  “I understand.”

  “When you go—if you live—you should take some movies with you. Anything you want.”

  I stop again. For Kasabian that’s as close to flowers and Valentines as anyone is ever going to get.

  “Thanks. I’ll probably take you up on that.”

  “Yeah.”

  Candy comes into the bathroom.

  “Kas, would you wait outside for a minute?”

  “Sure,” he says. Then, “Later.”

  “See you.”

  When he’s gone, she closes the door.

  She says, “It’s set. I’m going with you.”

 
; I grab a bottle off the shelf. Finally, something I can use.

  “Are you sure? I won’t have the last thing I do in the world be fucking things up between you and Alessa.”

  “It’s okay,” she says. “But I made her understand. If you die and I could have helped but didn’t because she might be mad, that’s guaranteed to fuck things up for us.”

  “Spreading hope and sunshine wherever I go.”

  “What?”

  “It’s just something Kasabian said.”

  “Don’t listen to him,” she says. “He’s a scaredy-cat who doesn’t like the furniture getting moved around.”

  “That’s the thing. I don’t want to move your furniture around.”

  “And you’re not. This is something I want to do. We’ll get through this and when you’re well again, we’ll figure out the other stuff.”

  I gesture to the door with the bottle.

  “Kasabian said I could take some movies with me.”

  Candy smiles.

  “It sounds like true love.”

  “He’s always been a romantic.”

  “What’s that you’ve got?” she says, looking at the bottle.

  I hold it up so she can see it.

  “Tincture of asphodel,” I say. “Hoodoo Adderall. It’s like an energy drink made with rocket fuel.”

  “Cool. I could use that at the store on weekends.”

  “If I live, I’ll steal you a crate.”

  She laughs.

  “Stealing Sub Rosa speed. Just like old times.”

  “You know it.”

  “Are you ready to go?”

  “Almost. Would you see if there’s any duct tape around? If I start falling apart, I might need something stronger than cling wrap.”

  “I’ll check the kitchen cabinets.”

  We go back into the living room. Alessa and Kasabian are sitting together on the couch. Alessa’s eyes are red. Candy squeezes her shoulder as she goes past.

  I go into the bedroom and wake Howard.

  He looks at me and tries to hide his smile. He fails.

  “You’re looking well,” he says.

  I sit on the end of the bed, trying to look as nonlethal as an extra from Night of the Living Dead can.

  “I’m here to make a deal. Tell me what you want to do Ludovico’s Ellicit.”

  “You know what I want. I want to be free of you. I want to go back to Eva’s house.”

  “You’re safer here right now. There’s a lot of gunplay around town. But if you fix me, I guarantee I’ll leave you alone.”

  “What kind of guarantee?”

  “There are people in the next room. One person in particular. I’ve promised them I’ll leave them alone too. I care more about them than anything, including me. If you help me out, I’ll make the same deal with you.”

  Howard’s raises his eyebrows a little.

  “Is Sandman Slim offering me true love like his lady friend outside?”

  “I’ll throw in something else too.”

  “What?”

  “Protection. You know what I can do. You help me out, I’ll keep Wormwood off your back.”

  “How?”

  “By killing them.”

  He frowns.

  “You see, it’s that kind of behavior that makes me hesitate. You kill the things that upset you. But I upset you. You’d kill me if you could, but you can’t. Not right now at least.”

  “What if I swear in front of them? I’m not going to lie about that in front of Candy. Not for my life. She’d hate me for it.”

  “Very dramatic,” says Howard. “Believe me, if I thought that helping you would keep me safe, I would do it.”

  “Let me ask you something. What’s your middle name?”

  “Lee. Why?”

  I cannot catch a fucking break in this life. Or maybe I can.

  “Exactly how good a necromancer are you? I mean, could you bring yourself back to life?”

  “Another empty threat?” says Howard.

  “It’s a real question. I only bring it up because your name is next on the faction’s kill list.”

  Howard sits up a little straighter.

  “‘Kill list’?” he says. “What do you mean?”

  I get up off the bed. I have to touch the wall to keep from swaying on my bad leg.

  “I took it off a dead faction magician. You’re good with languages. Read it yourself.”

  I toss the scroll on the bed. Howard grabs it and stares at the names.

  “This is bad,” he says.

  “Is that your professional opinion?”

  I grab the scroll back and roll it up slowly, giving him time to think things over.

  “In the end, I don’t have to do a damn thing to you. The faction will do it for me.”

  “Why didn’t you mention this before?”

  “Are you freaked out?”

  “Yes.”

  “There you go. I didn’t need you any more freaked out than you already were. You need to make some rational fucking decisions and you need to make them now.”

  Howard gets it. He leans against the headboard and crosses his arms.

  “I’m going to have to think about this,” he says. After a minute he says, “What about money?”

  “All I have is the money I stole from you while you were out. Want it back?”

  He gives me a look.

  “I mean real money. If I help you, Eva will never forgive me. I’ll need to get away and be able to take care of myself for a long time when I do.”

  I lean against the wall, tired again.

  “Are you asking me to rob a bank?”

  “Of course not. I want you to rob Eva,” he says. “There’s a safe in the floor under her desk. The cash is clean and there are bearer bonds. Jewelry and gold too, from what I understand. I might be persuaded to help you for that.”

  “Done,” I say, and hold out my hand to shake. Howard looks at my overripe mitt and just nods.

  “I’ll take your word for it.”

  “Then we have a deal?”

  “I’m going to have to think about it.”

  “I won’t be gone long. Have an answer for me when I get back.”

  “Of course.”

  I go out, reseal the wards so he can’t escape, and meet Candy in the kitchen. She holds up a big roll of gray duct tape.

  “Ta-da.”

  “Great.”

  I put it in my pocket and check myself for weapons. I have everything, but I wish I had more damn bullets.

  “You ready?” I say.

  Candy says, “Give me one minute.”

  She goes back into the living room and talks to Alessa. They hug. I think Alessa is crying again. I turn away and swallow the tincture of asphodel. A warmth moves quickly from my heart out to my limbs. I feel strong again. I don’t look any better—the asphodel doesn’t change the color of my hand—but I feel good enough to do a little healing hoodoo on my leg. The wound knits together almost instantly. I know this stuff is temporary, but for however long it lasts, it’ll be great not feeling like a moldy sponge.

  I go into the living room. Alessa is back on the couch holding Candy’s hand. After a few seconds she lets go.

  She says, “Are we just supposed to sit around here while you two are gone?”

  “No,” I say. “Call your father. Tell him what happened and that people might be after him. Don’t tell him where you are. His phone might be bugged. Just tell him that you’re safe.”

  “Anything else?”

  “Do you think our other friends are safe?” says Candy.

  “I don’t know. Call them too, Alessa. Tell them to get over here. Allegra. Brigitte. Vidocq. Carlos and Ray too.”

  I write Ray’s number and instructions for getting into the salon on a pad, pass it and the key to her.

  “What do you want me to do?” says Kasabian.

  “I don’t think Howard can get out of the bedroom, but if he does …”

  “I know. Punch him
in the balls.”

  “You got it.”

  I look at Candy.

  “You ready?”

  She leans down and kisses Alessa.

  “Soon, baby,” she says.

  “Soon,” says Alessa.

  I take Candy through a shadow, pretty sure that no matter how much Howard hates me, it’s not half of what Alessa is feeling right now.

  EACH OF THE thirteen doors in the Room leads somewhere I want, but the place didn’t come with a user manual. I’ve learned to move through it by trial and error. Truth is, I haven’t used most of the doors, and I never use the thirteenth—the Door to Nothing. It’s sealed shut. Where it leads, I never want to see again. Going from what I remember about Hijruun, I take Candy through the Door of Mist. I’m not worried about what’s on the other side. I’m worried that I might not remember the cackler right and we could waste time running around the wrong reality.

  “Compared to some places you’ve taken me, this isn’t so bad,” says Candy.

  We’re in a dense forest. Golden light filters down through the trees in bright shafts. The air is clean.

  Fucking nature.

  “I just hope we’re in the right place.”

  “How will you know?” she says.

  We start up a hill on a white trail that’s like walking on a soft carpet. Please don’t let me die here in Tinkerbell country.

  “Hijruun is an important magician in his world. Plus, I think he has connections to the royal family. He lives in a tower in a deep valley.”

  “This hill?” says Candy.

  “I hope so. I’ve never been through this door before, but the Room knows what I’m looking for.”

  Red and white flowers line the path on both sides. Moss hangs from the lower tree branches.

  I say, “I think we’re at least in the right reality.”

  “How do you know?”

  “You like the flowers?”

  “Sure. They’re pretty.”

  “Look closer.”

  Candy steps to the side of the path and picks one of the buds.

  “Shit!” she yells, and throws it away. “That flower was a fucking eyeball,” she says.

  I point to the trees.

  “Look at the moss.”

  She squints into the gloom.

  “It looks weird. Is it moving?”

  “Yeah. They’re bundles of nerves. They’re on all the paths. Like surveillance cameras.”

  We continue up the hill and over a rise. With the potion in my system, I feel like I could climb goddamn Kilimanjaro.

  “This carpet is nice,” says Candy. “Are all the trails like this?”