The Hope Chest

by Wanda E. Brunstetter

  Suddenly, Silas pulled away, looking shaken and confused. “Rachel, I’m so sorry. Don’t know what came over me. I sure didn’t mean to—”

  Rachel held up her hand, feeling as though a glass of cold water had been dashed in her face. “Please, don’t say anything more.” She hopped down from the buggy and sprinted toward the house as the ache of humiliation bore down on her like a heavy blanket of snow. She wasn’t sure why Silas had kissed her, but one thing was certain—he was sorry he had.

  ***

  All the way home Silas berated himself. Why had he kissed Rachel like that? She must think he was off in the head to be doing something so brazen on their first buggy ride.

  As Silas thought more about it, he realized as much as he’d enjoyed the kiss, it hadn’t been fair to lead Rachel on like that. She might think because he took her home, then went so far as to kiss her, it meant they were a couple and would be courting from now on.

  Was that what it had meant? Did he want to court Rachel? Was he feeling more than friendship for her, or did he only want to be with her because she reminded him of Anna?

  Silas slapped the side of his head. “What am I thinking? Rachel’s nothing like her older sister. Nothing at all. Guess I’d better commit the whole thing to prayer, because I sure enough wasn’t expecting this to happen tonight, and I definitely don’t have any answers of my own.”

  ***

  “Sure is a nice night,” Pauline said, as Joseph directed his horse and open buggy down the road toward her home.

  He nodded. “Jah, sure is.” Especially since you’re sitting here beside me—that makes it an extra-special night.

  She looked over at him and smiled, and his heart skipped a beat. “You have a nice buggy, Joe.” Her hand slid over the leather seat. “It’s obvious that you take real good care of it.”

  “Danki. I try to keep it up to snuff.”

  They rode in silence for a time, with the only sounds being the steady clippity-clop of the horse’s hooves and an occasional nicker. But Joseph didn’t mind the quiet. It felt nice to ride along with his aldi beside him. At least he hoped Pauline was his girlfriend now.

  “What’s your family hear from Anna these days?” she asked, breaking into his thoughts. “Is she getting along okay out there in the English world?”

  Joseph jerked his head at the mention of Anna’s name.

  “Did you hear what I said, Joe?”

  “Jah, I heard. Just thinkin’ is all.”

  “About Anna?”

  He gave a quick nod in reply. He didn’t want to spoil the evening by talking about his willful sister. He just wanted to concentrate on having a good time with Pauline. Was that too much to ask?

  “Is Anna doing all right?”

  He shrugged. “Mom and Rachel have both had letters from her, and from what they said, I guess she’s doing okay.”

  “Mind if I ask how you feel about her leaving?”

  “Guess what I feel is a mixture of sadness and anger at her for bringing a shunning on herself, not to mention the hurt she’s caused our folks.” He grimaced. “Mom doesn’t talk about it much, but you can see the look of sadness on her face whenever Anna’s name is mentioned.”

  “That’s understandable.”

  “And Dad—well, he’s just plain angry with Anna for running off the way she did, and if he weren’t Amish and not given to violence, I’ll bet he’d seek Reuben out and punch him right in the naas.” Joseph’s grip tightened on the reins, and a muscle in his cheek quivered.

  “Are you angry with Anna and Reuben, too?” Pauline spoke quietly, but her pointed question cut Joseph to the quick.

  He nodded. “Jah.”

  Pauline touched his arm again, only this time her fingers moved up and down in a soothing gesture. “You might not agree with Anna’s reasons for leaving the Amish faith, but it was her choice, and the Bible says we must learn to forgive.”

  “It’s not always so easy to forgive when so many people have been hurt.”

  She nodded. “I know that better than anyone. I was terribly hurt when Eli jilted me and married Laura. I felt that she was an Englisher who didn’t belong with our people.”

  Joseph made no comment, waiting to see if she would say anything more.

  “While I was living with my aunt and uncle in Ohio, I came to realize I had to forgive both Laura and Eli. Carrying around all that anger and bitterness was keeping me separated from God.” Pauline smiled. “When I released the anger and confessed to God that I’d sinned, I was finally able to forgive those I thought had trespassed against me.”

  “I know you’re right about me needing to forgive Anna, but seeing how Mom, Rachel, and the rest of the family have been affected by all this makes it that much harder.”

  “Maybe you need to ask yourself how you’d feel if you were in Anna’s place.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “If you’d fallen in love with someone the way Anna did Reuben, and then that someone had decided to leave the faith, what would you have done?”

  Joseph stared straight ahead as he kept the horse going steady and contemplated her question. If Pauline had proclaimed her love for him and then said she wanted to leave the Amish faith for the modern, English life, he guessed he probably would go with her. He loved her that much.

  He released one hand from the reins and reached over to take hold of Pauline’s hand. “Well—if it was someone I truly loved, then I guess I would have gone English, too.”

  She smiled and squeezed his fingers. Did she know what he was thinking? Did she know how much he cared?

  CHAPTER 19

  For the next two weeks, Rachel continued to help out at the Swartleys’ as often as she could, and for the next two weeks, she did everything possible to avoid Silas. It made her sick to her stomach to think that he had actually kissed her and then felt sorry about it. She really must be a fool if she thought she had any chance of winning his heart. After that embarrassing episode, she was sure he would never ask her to go fishing again, and he certainly wouldn’t invite her to take another ride in his courting buggy.

  Silas had tried talking with Rachel on several occasions, but she kept putting him off, saying she was too busy helping his mother. Rachel knew her time of avoidance was almost over, for today’s preaching service was being held at their home and was about to begin. She was sure Silas and his family would be here soon.

  The three-hour service seemed to last longer than usual, and Rachel squirmed on her bench, trying to focus on the songs, sermons, and prayers. Maybe her discomfort was because she had a view of the bench where Silas sat across the room. Beyond the flicker of a smile, she had no idea what he was thinking. Was it the kiss they had shared two weeks ago? Was he waiting for church to be over so he could corner Rachel and tell her he didn’t want to see her anymore? If she kept busy in the kitchen, maybe she could avoid him again today. That’s what she planned to do ... stay busy and away from Silas.

  Things went well for a while, but tables had been set up out in the barn for eating, and shortly after the noon meal was served, Rachel went back to the house. She planned to get another pot of coffee for the menfolk and carry out one of the pies she and Mom had baked the day before.

  Much to Rachel’s surprise, she discovered Silas in the kitchen, leaning against the counter with his arms folded. “I was hoping you’d come in here,” he said, taking a few steps in her direction.

  She moved quickly toward the stove and grabbed the pot of coffee.

  “How about going for a walk with me, so we can talk?” he asked, following her across the room.

  Rachel averted his gaze and headed for the door, forgetting about the apple pie she had planned to take back to the barn. “As you can probably see, I’m kind of busy right now.”

  “You won’t be helping serve all day. How about after you’re done?”

  “I don’t think we have anything to talk about, Silas.”

  He stepped in front of her, blocking the d
oor. “Please, Rachel ... just for a few minutes. I’ve wanted to talk to you for the last two weeks, but there never seemed to be a good time.” He smiled. “Besides, I had some stuff to pray about.”

  Rachel nodded slowly. “Jah, me, too.”

  “So can we meet out by the willow tree, say, in one hour?” She shrugged. “Okay.”

  ***

  At the appointed time, Rachel donned a heavy sweater and stepped onto the front porch. The afternoon air had cooled considerably, and a chill shivered through her. She caught sight of Silas out in the yard, talking to his cousin Rudy. She started across the lawn but stopped just before she reached the weeping willow tree. Silas was saying something to Rudy, and her ears perked up. Rachel was sure he had mentioned her sister’s name, but she wondered why Silas would be talking to his cousin about Anna.

  A group of children ran past, laughing and hollering so loud she couldn’t make out what either Silas or Rudy was saying.

  David Yoder, a little boy with Down syndrome, waved to Rachel, and she waved back, hoping he wouldn’t call out her name. The last thing she needed was for Silas to catch her listening in on his conversation.

  The children finally wandered off, and Rachel breathed a sigh of relief. She leaned heavily against the trunk of a tree and turned her attention back to Silas and his cousin.

  “So you’re really in love with her, huh?” she heard Rudy ask.

  “Afraid so,” Silas answered. “Don’t rightly think I’ll ever find anyone else I could love as much, and it’s tearing me apart.”

  Rachel’s heart slammed into her chest. Even after all these months, Silas still wasn’t over Anna. That’s probably why he said he was sorry for kissing me. Most likely, he was wishing it had been Anna and not me in his courting buggy.

  Tears burned the backs of Rachel’s eyes. She should have known better than to allow her emotions to get carried away. Silas cared nothing about her, and apparently he never had. He still loved Anna and probably always would, even though she was married and had left the Amish faith. She knew many people carried a torch for lost loves, and because of their pain, they never found love again. Mom had told her once that it almost happened to Rachel’s great-aunt Mim. She was jilted by her first love, and for many years she carried a torch for him. Finally, she set her feelings aside and learned to love again. But that was only because she had allowed the Lord to work on her bitter spirit. Rachel wasn’t so sure Silas wanted to find love again—especially not with her.

  Tired of trying to analyze things, Rachel spun around. She was about to head back to the house, when she felt someone’s hand touch her shoulder. “Where are you heading? I thought we were going for a walk.”

  Rachel shrugged Silas’s hand away. “I heard you talking to Rudy. If you’re still pining for Anna, then why bother taking a walk with a little kinner like me?”

  Rudy, who was walking next to Silas, raised his eyebrows and moved away, but Silas kept pace beside Rachel. When she didn’t slow down, he grabbed hold of her hand and pulled her to his side. “We need to talk.”

  Like a tightly coiled spring, Rachel released her fury on him. “Let go of me!” Her eyes burned like fire, and she almost choked on the huge knot that had lodged in her throat.

  “Was is letz do?”

  “Nothing’s wrong here. I guess everything’s just as it should be—or at least the way I figured it was.”

  Silas opened his mouth as if to say something more, but Rachel darted away without a backward glance. She had been a fool to think she could make Silas forget about Anna and fall in love with her. She’d been stupid to get caught up in a dumb thing like this ... letting herself hope for the impossible. The one thing she had enjoyed most about her friendship with Silas was how comfortable they seemed with each other. Not anymore, though. That had ended when she’d heard him tell Rudy that he was still in love with Anna. If Silas wanted to pine his life away for a love he would never have, then that was his problem. Rachel planned to get on with her life, one way or another.

  ***

  Silas groaned as he watched Rachel race up the steps and disappear into her house. One of the Beachys’ dogs howled, and the mournful sound echoed in his soul. Rachel had heard something he’d told Rudy, but she’d refused to let him explain. Now everything was ruined between them, and it was a bitter pill to swallow. He was sure there was no chance of a relationship with Rachel, because she obviously didn’t trust him. Maybe with good reason, too.

  Truth of the matter, Silas hadn’t been so good at trusting lately, either. He’d said he never wanted to move away from God, but he felt himself slipping away and knew if he didn’t do something soon, he might sink into despair.

  He moved slowly toward his horse and buggy, kicking at every stone in his path. No point in hanging around here anymore. Maybe he should accept things as they were and just get on with his life.

  “Jah, that’s what I’ll do,” he mumbled as he gave one more rock a hefty kick with the toe of his boot. “I’ll forget I had ever considered courting Rachel Beachy!”

  ***

  “Are you about ready for bed?”

  Rebekah turned her wheelchair away from the fireplace and smiled at Daniel. “Soon. Just thought I’d stay up awhile longer and try to get some more mending done.”

  He moved across the room to stand by her chair. “Are you sure you’re not looking for some excuse to wait up for our two oldest kinner?”

  “Anna’s the oldest,” she reminded.

  Daniel grunted. “I think it’s better if we don’t mention her name.”

  Tears gathered in Rebekah’s eyes, and she was powerless to keep them from spilling over. “Why must you be so unforgiving?”

  “I’m only thinking of what’s best for everyone concerned.”

  “Everyone concerned?” Her voice rose a notch. “How can you say it’s best that we don’t talk about our own flesh-and-blood daughter—that we won’t welcome her home for a visit?”

  Daniel crouched on his haunches and extended his hands toward the fire. “It’s gettin’ awful chilly at night now. Won’t be long until the snow flies.”

  Rebekah released an exasperated groan. “Changing the subject won’t alter the fact that I don’t agree with you on something, husband.”

  He shrugged.

  “Neither will giving me the silent treatment.”

  “I’m not doing that, Rebekah. I just don’t want to talk about our wayward daughter tonight.”

  “When can we talk about her?”

  He shrugged again.

  “Anna may have gone English, and she may be under the ban, but she’s still our daughter, Daniel.”

  “Don’t ya think I know that?” He sat a moment longer, then stood and reached for her hand. “Sorry for snapping. It just upsets me to think that she would join the church and make us think she and Silas had been courting and then sneak off and get married to Reuben Yutzy by a justice of the peace. Reuben’s the one with the hankering for modern things; I’m sure of it.”

  “That may be, but Anna did marry him and agree to go English.”

  “That’s what troubles me so.” He rose to his feet. “Guess I must have failed as her daed somehow.”

  Rebekah shook her head. “You didn’t fail, Daniel, and neither did I. We’ve raised our kinner the best we can, so we mustn’t cast any blame on ourselves for the decisions they choose to make.” She paused a moment to gauge his reaction, but Daniel just stood shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

  “It’s not our place to judge,” she added. “Only God has that right, you know.”

  He bent to kiss her forehead. “I’m heading to bed now. Don’t be too long, okay?”

  She nodded and released a sigh. If Daniel didn’t want to talk about this, there wasn’t much she could do except pray. She had been doing a lot of that since Anna left home, and she would continue to do so until her prayers were answered.

  CHAPTER 20

  Rachel felt a sense of relief when Kat
ie Swartley’s cast finally came off and she was able to stay home, even if it did mean spending more time helping Pauline in the greenhouse. Anything would be better than facing Silas every day. Knowing he was still in love with Anna and unable to quit loving him herself, Rachel felt a sense of hopelessness like never before. Everything looked different—the trees weren’t as green, the birdsong wasn’t as bright. She had nothing to praise God for anymore, and her times of prayer and Bible study happened less often.

  That night, the young people were gathering at the Hostetlers’ place. Joseph had already made it clear that he was going, and it was obvious that he and Pauline were officially courting. Even though Rachel was happy for them, she couldn’t help feeling sorry for herself.

  “Are you going to the singing?” her brother asked, as they met in the barn that morning before church.

  She shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

  “Why not? It could be the last one for a while, what with the weather turning colder.”

  She shrugged. “I’d planned to work on my hope chest tonight.”

  Joseph took hold of her arm as she started to walk away. “It’s Silas Swartley, isn’t it? You haven’t been acting right for the last few weeks, and I have a hunch it’s got something to do with your feelings for him.”

  Rachel felt a familiar burning at the backs of her eyes, and she blinked rapidly, hoping to keep the tears from falling. “I’d rather not talk about Silas, if you don’t mind.” She shrugged Joseph’s hand away. “I need to feed the kittens, and if I’m not mistaken, you’ve got a few things to do before we leave for church.”

  Joseph moved into the horse’s stall without another word, and Rachel released a sigh of relief. She and Joseph might not always see eye-to-eye, but at least he cared enough about her feelings to drop the subject of Silas.

  As Rachel rounded the corner of the barn, she noticed Dad down on his knees beside the woodpile. His face was screwed up in obvious pain, and the deep moan he emitted confirmed that fact. Rachel rushed to his side and squatted beside him. “What’s wrong? You look like you’re hurting real bad.”