Without A Pail

by Michelle Marra

  She would ask herself the same questions Jill did, ‘what am I so afraid of,’ after all, she took the step, the risk in the relationship itself and has been so happy; that is until Jill started with the whole ‘move in with me’ badgering. She wanted to take the step, but it terrified her…

  “So what’s the worst thing that could happen, because you’re losing her anyway,” Jackie said aloud as she rang the bell. She full well knew it would set off the dog barking and sure enough, she heard the rumble get louder as the dog got closer to the door.

  Jackie stood there shuffling her feet while she blew warm breath into her gloves waiting for Jill to come to the door. It didn’t seem right for her to use her key, she didn’t feel welcome at the moment since the way it was left in the park, that and the fact she sat in the park for nearly two hours almost freezing to death.

  When Jill opened the door amidst of the barking and snarling she did not look happy, Jackie knew stirring the dog up was not a good thing for the neighbors, but she figured it was after 10:00 a.m., hopefully, no one would hear much less complain. She had butterflies in her stomach just awaiting the door to be opened. The same butterflies she got every time she would lay eyes on Jill, which was another thing she was afraid to lose in the whole domesticating process. So when Jill whipped open the door and their eyes met, Jackie’s knees were just about to buckle.

  “Hey,” Jackie said trying to keep her teeth from chattering as she rubbed her hands together to generate some warmth in the nearly numb extremities.

  “Oh my God, you look half frozen. Were you out there the whole time?”

  Jackie nodded her head as Jill opened the door to let her pass through.

  “What were you thinking, it’s freezing out there…oh, and snowing its ass off as well?” Jill closed the door behind her and followed Jackie into the foyer, “Come here,” she said as she pulled Jackie into an embrace in an effort to warm her, “Oh Baby…you are just about frozen. Okay, let’s get you out of these and in front of the fire.”

  Jill helped Jackie out of her coat and boots. “Go sit over there, I’ll get you a warm blanket.”

  Jackie headed to the sofa feeling stupid, but appreciative.

  “Okay, this will help. And…come here girl.” Jill patted the cushion next to Jackie and the dog jumped up and laid across Jackie’s lap. “That should help as well.” She grabbed the remote to the gas fireplace and clicked it on high. “You will be toasty in no time.”

  As she went to walk out of the room, Jackie cleared her throat and said, “Don’t go.”

  “I’ll be right back, I’ll make you a cup of hot tea.”

  Jill came back and sat on the coffee table directly in front of Jackie, “Are you starting to feel warm?” she asked as she handed the cup of hot liquid over.

  “Yes…thank you.”

  “Why pray tell, did you stay out in the cold for so long?” Jill asked eyeing the blonde suspiciously.

  “I don’t know, just needed to clear my head,” Jackie looked down into her cup of steamy brown liquid like it held some kind of magical courage for her. “Are you still mad at me?”

  Jill let out a chuckle, “No Darling, I’m not mad at you. I was never mad at you…I just want you to talk to me about what your reservations are. Don’t you know you can tell me anything…absolutely anything. Please Baby, tell me what has you so frightened? Is it that I own this place? I’ll sell it and we can buy something that is both of ours.” When she got that blank stare in response, her stomach dropped, “Is it my age?”

  “Oh, God no! It’s me. It’s my stupid fear and I know it doesn’t make sense, but I’m terrified to lose you. The way we are now is awesome, you still love me and want me, and you still like me. I’m terrified that if we live together all that will change and I’ll become…” Jackie’s voice cracked as she wiped the tears from her eyes, “I’ll become a nuisance.” Jackie handed the cup of tea back to Jill as her chin began to quiver, she covered her face with her hands and began to sob. “I know I should have told you this before, but I didn’t know how. Oh God Jill, I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever lose you or your love. The thought of it has me crippled with fear.”

  Jill’s eyes filled with tears as she watched the love of her life bare her soul and stand completely naked and vulnerable in her truth. She set the cup of tea down and placed her hands on Jackie’s knees, “Oh, Baby. I’m so sorry I have been pressuring you so hard. You could never lose me or the love I have for you,” she stopped mid sentence “Jackie, please look at me.”

  When the puffy, blood-shot eyes met Jill’s she smiled as she cupped Jackie’s face between her hands, “Just so you know when I say never, I mean never.”

  “Are you sure? I mean, look at me. I’m a blubbering mess and a big fat fraidy-cat”

  “Oh I’m quite sure,” Jill said as she leaned closer to the blonde to capture her lips in a kiss.

  “I have to say the cold air really helped to clear my head,” Jackie giggled slightly while she sniffed.

  “I’m not happy that you sat out in the freezing cold, but I’m so glad it helped. Thank you for opening up. And please know I will always want you…dear God, don’t you remember yesterday morning?” She smiled at the crimson tone overtaking her girlfriend’s face. “I will always love you and my dear….you could never ever be a nuisance. Read my lips…never.”

  “Really?” Jackie smiled shyly while she looked at the beautiful woman across from her with the haphazard way she had her hair tied into a ponytail.

  “Really, let’s table the moving in thing for now. You let me know when you are ready. But right now, I have a better way to warm you up. Come with me.”

  Jill pulled Jackie by the hand to her feet and led her down the hall into the master bedroom.

  Chapter 31

  “We are going slowly with it, but she is staying over more than not. It started off with four nights a week but went quickly to five because she couldn’t bring herself to leave on Sunday night, not that I wanted her to go either. But I have to say that she pretty much stays over all week most weeks.” Jill smiled across the table at Casey while she sipped at her latte.

  “Sounds promising.” Casey scoped the woman that walked past the window of their favorite cafe.

  “Hey, I thought you had a girlfriend.”

  “Yeah, I do but…doesn’t mean I can’t admire the beautiful artwork in this wonderful city.

  “Keep it up and you’ll be single again,” Jill said as she looked at Casey from under her eyelids.

  “Ah…nah. She loves me.”

  “And is that it?” Jill smiled at the goofy look on her friend’s face.

  “What?”

  “Looks like someone else is also in love.”

  Casey looked out the window as she pulled her bottom lip into her mouth and shrugged her shoulders. “Yeah…well. I just don’t want to jinx it.”

  “How would you jinx it?” Jill asked as she slid her empty cup away and leaned back in her chair.

  “I’m just a little skittish right now, can you blame me after what happened with Jackie?” Casey sighed inwardly when she watched as a pained expression washed across her friends face. She didn’t mean to bring it up and wasn’t certainly angry or blaming anyone. It was what it was and she was truly happy for her friends. She was just being careful…maybe a little gun shy.

  “Hey…I didn’t mean it like that. You know I’m happy for you and Jackie. You were meant to be together and I take a little pride in that since I was the bridge that led you two together. I’m just protecting myself a little.”

  “Well, that is certainly understandable.” Jill hesitantly looked across the table, “I am sorry, ya know.”

  “No you’re not…you are completely head over heels for that blue-eyed blonde.”

  “That I am.”

  “Okay then…let’s just say I’m crazy about Nicole, but….just taking it slow.”

  Jill raised her cup, “Here’s to love and all its splen
dor.”

  Casey raised her cup and clicked it against Jill’s. “To love...So where is the love of your life?”

  Jill smiled remember the morning’s tryst before Jackie had to go into the office. “She’s at the office.”

  “Well, I’m glad she has the schedule she does or I would never get to see you.”

  “You could come over once in a while. I know Molly would be happy to see you.”

  “I’d be afraid of what I’d walk in on, besides you two love birds don’t need to have company right now. Where is Molly by the way?”

  Jill took the new latte the waitress handed her and sipped at it slowly. “She’s at Joni’s…hey, I think a dinner party is in order. It’s about time we got to meet Nicole.”

  Jill narrowed her eyes at the laughing woman across from her, “What’s so funny?”

  “Oh, I’m just remembering the last lesbian dinner party you had, coupling off to dark corners. You almost lost your virginity that night. If Jackie hadn’t walked in…but I think she didn’t want that woman violating you. I think she was into you then.”

  Jill felt the warmth of her face, she remembered it well and shook her head at the memory of nearly surrendering everything to Meredith. What she wanted was to kiss Jackie and she was jealous when Casey took her to the patio. She cleared her throat, “Um, you think?”

  Casey quirked an eyebrow, “Oh, I do and I think you were into her too.”

  “Yes…okay, I’ll admit it. But in my defense, I wanted her before I even knew who she was or that she was your girlfriend for that matter. However, I have to say seeing her in my apartment nearly sent me to my knees.”

  “Hmmm, well I guess all’s well that ends well.” Casey turned her head to peer out the window at the busy sidewalk. It was early spring and New York was enjoying a welcomed rise in temperatures and the hopes for winter to become a distant memory. “It certainly is beautiful out.”

  “And what scenery are you admiring?”

  “What…oh, the spring flowers over there.”

  “Sure…sure.” Jill shook her head as she sipped at her hot beverage.

  Jill’s phone vibrated indicating she had a text.

  You still at the café?

  “Let me guess, Jackie,” Casey smirked as she watched Jill’s face beam.

  Yup. Jackie quickly texted back as she smiled back at Casey.

  “Yes!”

  “Is she joining us?”

  “No, I told you I wanted to spend time with you. She’s probably on her way home.” Jill’s voice trailed off at the word ‘home,’ oh how she wanted Jackie to call her apartment home, be comfortable enough to stay and never leave.

  Suddenly Jill realized that she couldn’t hear Casey talking. Some insensitive asshole was revving their motorcycle right outside the café. She had half a mind to march out there and give the unconscious moron a piece of her mind. “Can you believe this shit…what an inconsiderate jerk? Excuse me…” Jill waved the waitress over, “Can you please do something about that?”

  When she pointed out the window and her eyes followed her hand, the sidewalk was suddenly clear giving her an uninterrupted view of the motorcycle and its rider. “What the…”

  “Well, looks like that is your jerk out there.” Casey giggled seeing the confused and flustered look on Jill’s face.

  Jill could feel the heat rise up from her neck just seeing that hot blonde pull her helmet off, run a hand through her hair and dismount the bike in black jeans, boots and leather jacket. Her mouth watered so profusely that she was sure at any moment she would start drooling.

  “When did she get the new bike?” Casey asked trying not to stare too intently at the woman now staring in through the window at them.

  “She didn’t, I mean I don’t know.” Jill stood up with a questioning look on her face when Jackie walked through the door with a shit-eating grin on her face. She proceeded to pull her girlfriend into an embrace accompanied with an intense, full-on mouth kiss. Jill knew she was the envy of many women in that café. She was left tongue-tied when Jackie pulled away, and couldn’t remember her name let alone remember the motorcycle her girlfriend had just dismounted.

  “Hey Case,” Jackie had nodded in her direction before her smiling eyes returned to the stunned look on Jill’s face. “So whatcha think Babe?”

  Jill was lost in those blue eyes and that coy smile on Jackie's face, “Jill…earth to Jill.”

  “Oh…um. It’s nice.”

  “Nice?” Jackie turned Jill toward the window. “That my dear is an awesome machine.”

  Jill turned her attention back to Jackie’s smiling face, “I didn’t realize you wanted another bike. Don’t you think we should have talked about it?” Jill sat back in her seat when she began to feel uncomfortable from the weight of everyone staring.

  “Well because it was supposed to be a surprise and I thought you would be excited,” Jackie pulled up a chair next to Jill, her smile started to wane.

  “But they’re so dangerous and that girl was killed riding your bike last summer, I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

  “So you’re worried about me?” Jackie grinned, no one had ever worried about her other than her sister.

  “Yes, of course…I love you.”

  “Well gorgeous…” Jackie picked up her lover’s hand and kissed it softly, “It’s for us.”

  “For us?” Jill’s eyes were wide with surprise.

  “Yeah, I thought it would be a great way to take some weekend trips up the coast this summer,” Jackie rubbed her knuckles on Jill’s cheek when she saw how her faced dropped. “If you’re worried about me driving it back and forth to work, don’t. I bought it strictly for pleasure. But…,” Jackie drug out the word, “There is no room over at Joni’s to park it since Jason moved in and has taken the other parking spot, soooo….”

  Casey smiled as she watched the adorable banter between her best friend and her ex. She knew what was happening, but she had to see Jill’s reaction, so she kept her mouth shut.

  Jackie looked over at Casey’s smiling face and narrowed her eyes as if to say, ‘shhh.’ She could tell by the look in the woman’s eyes she knew what Jackie was beating around the bush about. Fortunately, Jill looked like a child waiting for her surprise.

  “Well….what are you going to do with it? Rent storage somewhere?” Jill asked. She wanted to ask her to leave it in her building’s garage since she had two parking places with her apartment, but she was afraid that the mention of it would put Jackie in ‘scare’ mode and set back the progress they’ve made.

  “I was thinking, since you have a special lot for bikes at your place, I could store it there.” She paused for a minute when Jill’s mouth spread across her face into a wide grin. “That and the Lexus.”

  Jill wasn’t sure she heard right, “What Lexus? Yours? How will you get back and forth to...,” Then it dawned on her and instantly her eyes filled with tears as she cupped her hands over her mouth.

  “Come on Baby, let’s go for a ride on our new bike.” She looked over at Casey, “You don’t mind if I steal my woman for a bit?”

  Casey shook her head and gestured to the door with an outstretched hand.

  “Wait…what about Molly?” Jill asked unable to pull her gaze away from the smiling blond.

  “Don’t worry, I’ll pick her up and take her back to your place,” Casey said as smiled and shook her head now feeling a little invisible.

  “Thanks Case…I owe you one,” Jackie said then turned her attention back to the smiling brunette, “Your chariot awaits my love,” Jackie stood and held her hand out for the brunette who in turn accepted as she rose to her feet. “I love you Jill and I don’t want to be away from you unless one of us is working…really not even then. Just a short ride since it’s a bit chilly and then I’ll take us home.”

  Jill pulled Jackie into an embrace; finally, the word ‘home’ was spoken from those beautiful lips.

  As Casey watched the lovebirds drive awa
y on the Harley, she immediately texted her girlfriend, Nicole. Meet me at my place in an hour.

  Jackie tapped her black fine-point gel pen against the desk while she listened to her sister on the other end of her office phone, they were discussing wedding plans with her as the maid of honor.

  “Mmhmm.” Was the standard response to every question or remark about any detail Joni wanted input on. She wasn’t thrilled about the fact she would have to wear a dress for this event, she tried to persuade her sister to let her wear a pantsuit, tux even…but not a dress. But Joni insisted, saying she could endure stockings one night for her sister. There was no argument after that statement and she relented, not caring what color the dress was just so long as it wasn’t off the shoulder.

  It was to be a small wedding, an intimate setting since they didn’t have many family members, just a few distant cousins and one aunt…none of which they were close to and Joni didn’t want to have to hire bridesmaids to keep up with the groomsmen Jason could easily extract from just his siblings. So they decided on a best man and maid of honor, but the wedding would take place in a church with a reception to follow, which wasn’t going to be so intimate by way of Jillian Warner and her generous wedding gift of a party at Terrace On The Park, New York’s finest venue for wedding receptions. It was sure to be glamorous and Joni was enjoying the planning.

  Jackie rolled her eyes for the seventh time when her cell started to ring, she saw that it was Jill and she smiled; not only because she wanted to talk to her, but it got her out of the wedding planning drama.

  “Joni, sorry to interrupt…but I gotta go, Jill’s calling me. She usually doesn’t call my cell, so I better see what’s up. Call me later if you need any more input.” She was being sarcastic because she knew Joni would probably be back on her phone within the hour.

  “Hey Babe,” Jackie said her voice barring a jubilant tone. But the smile soon dissipated when she heard the sounds of sobbing in the background. “Jill, what’s wrong?”

  When she didn’t respond, she yelled louder into her cell; “Jill, what’s going on.” She could hear voices in the background and her girl sobbing which was making her nervous and she sprang to her feet and headed out of her office and down the hall to the elevator. She didn’t know what was going on, but from the sounds of it…it wasn’t good.