The Secret Diaries Of Miss Anne Lister

by Helena Whitbread

  Thursday 22 May [Halifax]

  I shall write to M— this morning & send it on Saturday or Sunday. She wishes to hear from me every other Tuesday till C—’s jealous fit subsides a bit, till he gives up fetching the letters himself & till we can, therefore, write in more security. At present we are in constant fear of him forbidding her writing to me at all. God help those who are tied to such people. Wish the day was over… If I was once to give way to idleness I should be wretched. Nothing but keeping my mind so intent upon study can divert the melancholy reflections which would constantly prey upon me on account of M—. Alas! They are even now a source of bitterness & disquiet that words can ill describe. Wrote 2½pp. to M—, chiefly in our secret alphabet which I have lately, in my letters to her, used a great deal.

  Wednesday 28 May [Halifax]

  Had a note from Mrs Edwards (Pye Nest), to ask me to a supper party and to stay all night on the 4th of next month. Wrote an answer, to be ready for the post in the afternoon, declining parties, but saying I hoped to spend a day with her in a friendly way as soon as my aunt returned from Harrogate… Sat up talking to my uncle till 11 o’clock about getting married… I took care to say, however, that I never intended to marry at all. I cannot make out whether he suspects my situation towards M—… I begin to despair that M— & I will ever get together.

  Sunday 1 June [Halifax]

  Spent the afternoon in mending some of my things for the wash. After tea, read aloud sermons 13 & 14 of Alison’s. A fine day, the pleasantest we have had this year, & the first time I have thrown aside my winter things, having changed my black cloth spencer and straw hat for a black silk spencer and common straw hat. I have almost made up my mind always to wear black.

  Monday 9 June [Halifax]

  Read… Demosthenes &… Leland’s Translation. This is the 4th Greek work I have read thro’ & I certainly feel considerably improved. But I am dissatisfied with myself for not having lately got up in a morning so early as I thought. It grieves me that I am ever in bed after 5.

  In June of this year (1817), Anne begins to mention Isabella Norcliffe, a friend of even longer standing than M—. The Norcliffe family lived at Langton Hall, Langton, Malton near York, and were wealthy landowners. Anne visited them regularly as they were part of the York society in which Anne moved when she was there, along with the Belcombes, the Duffins and Miss Marsh, another old friend.

  Isabella Norcliffe and Anne had been particularly close until M— had been introduced to Anne by Isabella, after which M— took first place in Anne’s affections. After M—’s marriage, Isabella’s friendship resumed much of its old importance for Anne, but she soon became disillusioned with Isabella’s heavy drinking habits. Anne’s commitment to Isabella weakened as time went on, but in 1817 Anne’s enforced estrangement from M— caused her to turn her affections temporarily towards Isabella.

  Monday 16 June [Halifax]

  Had a long letter… from Isabella Norcliffe (Naples), dated 25 May 1817. They were to leave Naples the following day for Rome, thence to proceed to Florence, Nice, Berne & Bruxelles on their way home. I am to write by return of post and direct my letter to Turin. She gives a tolerable account of herself & writes as affectionately as ever. Ah, my Isabel, you have indeed loved me truly &, after all, perhaps it may be fate that you & I shall get together at last. But on this subject, I dare not think. God knows what is best.

  Monday 23 June [Halifax]

  At six o’clock, had some cold veal cutlets, cold new potatoes & cabbage brought in & made a good dinner, after which took 3 cups of tea & enjoyed my late meal exceedingly.

  Saturday 28 June [Halifax]

  In the evening, between 6 & 7, my father arrived, having come on horseback from Market Weighton. Brought no letters. Walked down to Northgate. Found my Uncle Joseph not quite so well & in low spirits.

  Monday 30 June [Halifax]

  Had a letter from M— (Lawton) of the 2nd excursion she and Lou4 made into North Wales the week before last… They very much admired Lady Eleanor Butler & Miss Ponsonby’s cottage in Llangollen.5 M— wished we had such an one. I now begin to think seriously that she & I will never get together. Strange to say, I seem as if I was weening [sic] myself from wishing it… I have no fault to find with M— as to her conduct but her letters have ceased to be those best calculated to keep alive my affections, & the present impossibility of our seeing each other may have made a wide difference in both before we meet again.

  Friday 11 July [Halifax]

  As I was getting into bed I began thinking how little confidence I had in M— & how little likely it was that we should ever get together. I was very low. I felt that my happiness depended on having some female companion whom I could love & depend upon & my thoughts naturally turned to Isabella. I got out her picture & looked at it for ten minutes with considerable emotion. I almost wished to persuade myself I could manage her temper as to be happy with her.

  Anne, while on the whole despising much about Halifax and the people who lived there, was nevertheless sensitive to the social niceties and to the opinion of the townspeople. She was aware that there was much speculation about her in the town, mainly because of her pronounced masculinity in appearance and manner. On her daily walks people wondered aloud whether she was a man or a woman. Her own circle, eager to form social connections with the Lister family, viewed Anne’s tendency to ‘take up’ serious, almost obsessive friendships with young women with scandalised amusement. There was something malicious in this attitude and Anne was fully aware of the tendency to ‘bait’ her on the subject of her favourites. Most of the time she was able to shrug off the scandal and petty gossip, but there were moments when she was undeniably hurt by it.

  On the other hand, the York circle in which she moved (members of which had known Anne since childhood), provided her with an atmosphere of security, tolerance and affectionate acceptance. York was a place of refuge where she could relax away from the critical gaze and speculation of the people of her newly adopted home town. It must also be borne in mind that Anne, herself, could be extremely cutting and at times exhibited a degree of snobbery which inevitably made her enemies in Halifax.

  Monday 16 July [Halifax]

  My uncle & aunt drank tea at Mrs Prescott’s (Clare Hall) to meet a large party. My father & I staid at home. Indeed, I was not asked, I suppose from its being known that I decline parties. At all events, they ought to have given me the option of refusing. Flute ¼ hour between 9 & 10. My uncle & aunt got home a little after 10. Neither Mrs nor Miss Prescott made an inquiry after me that probably their not inviting me was an intentional omission, & indeed, I know not what for.

  Tuesday 12 August [Halifax]

  About 11, my father walked with me to Mr Knight’s,6 where we parted… Mr Knight, being going out to dinner, I had not time to get a satisfactory answer about the method of treating fractional sums. On mentioning my wish to become his pupil again, he said he could not take me till after Michaelmas (10 Oct.) but would then let me have an hour from 3 to 4 every other day, according to my desire.

  Monday 18 August [Halifax]

  My uncle Joseph rode up & sat on horseback at the gate near ½ hour. My father gave me seven pounds which led me to reckon up my money & I found I had altogether twenty-eight pounds, seven shillings & fivepence. Such a sum I have not had together of years, never since I went to Bath in 1813. I take good care to let nobody know I have so much. Had no time for Euclid but looked into Emerson’s mechanics for ¼ hour, as I wish to prepare myself a little for Dalton’s lectures which are to begin on Wednesday & which I mean to attend.

  Tuesday 19 August [Halifax]

  Just after tea read aloud to my aunt the very favourable review of Lallah Rookh; an Oriental Romance by Thomas Moore… The extracts from this poetic romance are very beautiful. John Oates of the Stump came between 7 & 8, & staid till near 10. His errand was about a pair of spectacles for my aunt. I was surprised to find him so good a workman & optician – entirely self-taught. Tho’ the
wonder is lessened by the discovery of his having had so liberal an education. He learnt Latin & a little Greek at Hipperholme school & afterwards became a good arithmetician & algebraist as well as pretty well versed in Euclid under the tuition of Mr Ogden, then of the charity school at Boothtown. What a pity that such a man should [have] been put apprentice to a cardmaker, then, this not answering, have turned tanner & should now be bankman at a coalpit. The pit, to be sure, is his own. At least, he & John Green of Mytholm have jointly taken it off my Uncle Lister… John Oates only took up the study of optics & mathematical instrument-making about a dozen years ago. He was then a tanner & had little time to spare – frequently kept at his work till 12 at night &, even then, got up at 3 in the morning to pursue his favourite occupation. He has made several telescopes, electrifying machines, etc. His family have been tenants to our family for several generations. He now lives in a neat house that he built some years ago at the Stump & is comfortable in his circumstances owing to the frugality of his parents who saved their money at the Mytholm public house & by his own prudence in keeping what he had. He has taught himself optics chiefly from Martin’s works.

  Wednesday 20 August [Halifax]

  Just after breakfast received a small box (carriage 1/6) by the coach from York… containing the little alabaster Cupid on a bed of roses which Isabel mentioned having sent me, in her letter from Florence. It’s an elegant little figure & I am most pleased with it. Poor Isabel, she never forgets me. Her thoughts & affections are constant & my heart keeps a faithful register. In spite of all, I think we shall get together at last.

  About this time, Anne began to attend a course of lectures in Halifax and there met a young woman called Miss Browne. She became infatuated with her and this was to dominate her emotional life almost entirely for the next two years. At the same time as Anne wished the friendship to become more intimate, she was also very conscious of the differences in their social background, considering Miss Browne’s family to be inferior to the Listers – Miss Browne’s father was a self-made businessman. It was this discrimination on Anne’s part which incurred the disapprobation of those who were of sufficient standing to be on calling terms with the Listers.

  Wednesday 27 August [Halifax]

  Went to the lecture at 7. Having all the 4 preceding nights admired Miss Browne, daughter of Mr Copley Browne of Westfield or West Cottage, sat just before her. Handed her several things to look at & contrived to get into conversation with her after the lecture was over. The lecture being longer than usual & I staying a good while afterwards to look at the apparatus, or rather at Miss Browne, did not get home till near 11.

  Thursday 28 August [Halifax]

  Did nothing but dream of Miss Browne &, tho’ I woke at 6, yet had not resolution to get up but lay dosing [sic] & thinking of the fair charmer. She is certainly very pretty. She seemed evidently not displeased with my attention & I felt all possible inclination to be as foolish as I ever was in former days. In fact, I shall be much better out of the way of the lovely Maria (for such is her name) than in it. Mended the leather covering of my stays till breakfast time.

  Anne was prevented from furthering the acquaintanceship with Miss Browne as the latter went on a prolonged visit to Harrogate and the friendship was not resumed until the spring of 1818.

  An interesting aspect of Anne’s self-presentation was her secretive attitude towards discussing or writing about her clothes. She obviously felt reticent about her dress and appearance and was constantly the subject of criticism from her friends for her shabby and unfashionable wardrobe. She always used her cryptic code in her journal when referring to her clothes. Eventually she came to a decision to wear only black and, apart from a few touches of white on the odd social occasion, she kept to this rule.

  Tuesday 2 September [Halifax]

  Spent the whole of the morning in vamping up a pair of old black chamois shoes & getting my things ready to go & drink tea at Cliff-hill. As soon as I was dressed, went to drink tea with the Miss Walkers of Cliff-hill. Went in black silk, the 1st time to an evening visit. I have entered upon my plan of always wearing black.

  Later in the month of September, Anne visited some friends, the Priestleys, at Haugh-end, just outside Halifax. She had previously paid a visit there with M— before her marriage, and her return there evoked some painful memories.

  Saturday 13 September [Halifax (Haugh-end)]

  A thousand reflections & recollections crowded on me last night. The last time I slept in this room & in this bed, it was with Mariana, in 1815, the summer of. Surely no one ever doted on another as I did then on her. I fondly thought my love & happiness would last for ever. Alas, how changed. She has married a blackguard for the sake of his money. We are debarred all intercourse. I am not always satisfied with her. I am often miserable & often wish to try to wean my heart from her & fix more propitiously. There seems little chance of our ever getting together. Tho’ I believe she loves me as yet exclusively, the misfortune is, my confidence is not invulnerable.

  Sunday 14 September [Halifax (Haugh-end)]

  Before breakfast, props. 24 & 25 lib. Euclid. Mary [Priestley] & I went to Sowerby church in the morning in the carriage with the old people… Returned after drinking tea at White Windows… Mary & I had a little music. I played & sang a little. In conversation about economy & keeping house, she told me they last year spent above seven hundred pounds, tho’ it was not an expensive year & did not appear that they could live as they do for less.

  Saturday 4 October [Halifax]

  Hous’d a couple of loads of oats this afternoon, the 1st corn we have got in this year. My throat & chest better, but not enough to play the flute.

  Sunday 5 October [Halifax]

  All went to morning church7 & staid the Sacrament… My aunt dined at Northgate. My Uncle Joseph very poorly today… told my Aunt Anne he felt he could not live long and mentioned several things respecting his decease – what bills he owed, etc. My Uncle Lister called in [on] his way from afternoon church. My Uncle Joseph gave him his will to bring home. Read the psalms & lessons to myself. After tea, read aloud sermon 15 &… my aunt read aloud Sermon 17, Polwhele.

  Friday 14 October [Halifax]

  Wrote the whole of my journal (except the 1st line) just before getting into bed. Had a cup of strong green tea as I was undressing.

  Thursday 16 October [Halifax]

  In the evening, looked over an old portfolio of papers, extracts, letters, copies of letters, etc. Began directly after tea & did not leave off till ½ past 10… A wildish, showery day – very cold & thick in the evening. No time for the flute. The general rummage among my letters & papers takes a great deal of time & puts me sadly out of my way – but as I have never had my things fairly set to rights as they ought to be, ’tis high time to begin if I mean to get it done in my lifetime.

  Friday 17 October [Halifax]

  Spent the whole morning in rummaging out & siding my great canteen that stands in the landing place leading to the upper kitchen chamber.

  Monday 3 November [Halifax]

  Called to inquire after Mr Knight, whom I supposed not yet recovered from an inflammation in his bowels. Agreeably surprised to find he had preached on Sunday nearly as well as ever again, not having had an inflammation but a tedious passage of gall-stones. He was in agony for 20 hours… Finding him afloat again & my Uncle Joseph being going on so well, resumed the subject of my studies – of how much I had forgotten & how little he was to expect, & it was agreed that I should recommence my attendance on him tomorrow at 3 o’clock. I am to go Tuesdays, Thursdays & Saturdays – be there each day at 3 & stay there till 4. I feel happy at the idea of getting into a proper train again & only hope I shall be able to make good progress… In the evening, writing out the rough draft of an index to the 3rd vol. of my journal. A remarkably fine day. Beautiful afternoon & evening. The air as mild as new milk… Brought my flute home (the newer one) that Whitley has got Sugden to clean up for me. It is much improved & I can now pla
y with pleasure. Flute 20 mins during supper.

  Tuesday 4 November [Halifax]

  Got to Mr Knight’s ¼ after 3 & was with him full an hour & a half. I was silently astonished at myself as well I might. I know not that I was conscious of feeling agitation but something or other seemed to steal away my wits. These questions were all asked as soon as I had done reading Latin. By the time I began with Lucian, my mind was a little recovered & I construed Greek, Mr Knight said, pretty well – a proof, he added, of what he expected, that I had lost less Greek than Latin. He confessed, however, he had not given me the easiest Latin to read. The real fact is Mr Knight does not well remember what progress I had formerly made. I am just now a better Grecian than I ever was in my life. Indeed I have read more Greek within the last year & a half than all I ever read before – & as for Latin, whatever I may have lost is certainly not in construing. It is perhaps in writing it & this was always the worst thing I did, but I had had hardly any practice, having never got ½ through Willymott’s particles. Algebra is to come on Thursday. I have lost nothing in this unless a few rules about simple quadratic equations which I had got by rote. I knew nothing, in fact, about the extraction of algebraic roots, should I have stumbled at an algebra long division sum or the regular reduction of algebra fractions. Arithmetic I knew very superficially indeed. Very little of vulgar fractions & nothing of decimals, unless it was to add cyphers in extracting square roots. I think I could hardly manage a cube root. I had done the 1st 6 books of Euclid twice over & just begun mechanics. I have lately done the 1st 6 books of Euclid twice over &, in addition, 30 propositions of the data. However, I have forgotten the little I knew of mechanics, though probably a few days, perhaps hours, will be enough to regain it. Just asked Mrs & the Miss Knights how they did, thinking it civil to do so the 1st time of my going.