The Secret Diaries Of Miss Anne Lister

by Helena Whitbread

  Thursday 5 February [Halifax]

  Could not do so much, my eyes were so very tired, particularly the right. I have read too much by candlelight lately & neither managed day nor candlelight properly. I have sat with it too much in my face & not thrown properly on the paper… In the evening did nothing at all, on account of my eye which is quite bloodshot. Besides other things, I have got cold in it.

  Thursday 5 March [Halifax]

  Left my letter to M— at Northgate for Thomas to put into the post office. Mrs Bagnold, the postmistress, had bailiffs in her house again yesterday & consequently, changed her abode.

  Thursday 17 March [Halifax]

  Crossley cut my hair this morning which, as usual, hindered me full ½ hour. Besides, I have not felt very brilliant this morning. I am quite vexed at myself for not having got into a regular train of getting up earlier. I ought not to be in bed after 5. In the afternoon, went with my uncle & George Robinson to Lower Brea… to see what repairs would be wanted before George & his wife could get into the house. Found it in a sad, dirty, forlorn, pulled-to-pieces state. The roof must be taken off & £200 laid out – besides a new barn that will cost about £150. Were 2½ hours looking about in spite of the cold & boisterous wind & flying showers. In the evening (Chas. Howarth having brought me the box I ordered some days ago) sorting out & arranging the minerals Isabella Norcliffe sent me from Switzerland… Flute 20 minutes during supper.

  Sunday 29 March [Halifax]

  Soft, damp morning with small rain, but we should none of us have gone to church, at any rate, as they are scraping the walls & going to have it newly whitewashed, I believe. Most of the pews are covered over with pack-sheets or something or other to keep them clean, but we understood there was still to be a service. My lip too much swell’d & inflamed to allow of my helping to read prayers aloud… During dinner, walked ½ hour on the terrace. In the afternoon, Fanny came from Northgate & brought my aunt a parcel from York – a box of sweetmeats forwarded by Fisher5 & sent to my aunt by Isabella from the South of France several months ago… My lip so painful came upstairs to bed at 9, as I did on Friday.

  Anne had spent a very quiet winter, concentrating on her studies, her letter-writing to her friends, helping to run the estate, getting into town when weather permitted, and generally leading a rather restricted life. She did go visiting when the occasion demanded it, but otherwise did not join in the social activities of the town. The month of April was to see a change in her life in that Miss Browne returned to Halifax and Anne began to cultivate a relationship with her.

  Thursday 16 April [Halifax]

  Wrote a note to Mrs Briggs, Savile Green, excusing myself (as I declined all parties for the present) from her party next Wednesday, the 22nd inst… At ¼ before 4, set off & walked to Stoney Royde. Found Mrs Rawson alone. Told her I now dined at 6. Had some excellent cold fillet of meat & drank tea with her. She was glad to see me. I staid with [her] till ½ past 7 & spent the time very pleasantly. Speaking of the death of the Princess Charlotte, she said she understood from good authority that… as soon as the labour was over, about 7 in the evening, H.R.H. sent away the nurse, Mrs Griffiths, saying the Prince (Leopold) would stay with her, that they were accordingly left entirely to themselves, & he sat by her 3 hours before he perceived any change, when he immediately called Mrs Griffiths & the physicians, but it was too late. Everybody thought the poor princess was lost for want of proper care. Dr Simms was not called in till they sent for him to see if he could restore animation to the child. I observed it ought to have been destroyed. When this was named to Sir Richard Croft, he said he was not authorized to use instruments without the Prince Regent’s leave. Why then, replied the people, was not the Prince Regent there? Mrs Rawson observed it was singular that the medical attendant (Sir Richard Croft) had not even taken with him (which is common with all practitioners) an instrument for inflating the lungs of the infant, if necessary… As an anecdote in proof of the universality of the opinion that the poor princess was lost for want of proper care, Mrs Rawson mentioned 2 poor women (beggars) being overheard talking about it in one of the London streets, & one said to the other, ‘Ah! poor crater, if she had only had a sup of gin, she’d a’ done.’ Sir Richard Croft was never happy afterwards. Mrs Rawson asked after M— & if they went on any better than they did, adding significantly, ‘You have never been there since the 1st time.’ I smiled (I could not help it) & carelessly answered, no, I had not & that I had heard the same remark made before, but that this was nothing.

  Tuesday 21 April [Halifax]

  Called at Cross-hills (to ask the Miss Greenwoods to tea) where I was persuaded to stay tea, amused tho’ uneasy at the vulgarity of the party the whole time. Yet they are certainly very good & worthy & very obliging. I suppose such a thing is quite out of the question but from mere appearance & conversation, one might have fancied Mrs Greenwood had had a drop too much. Speaking of Miss Browne, I said I should like very well to meet her if there was nobody else asked, & it was agreed to give me the opportunity.

  Tuesday 28 April [Halifax]

  Miss Greenwood & Miss Susan Greenwood called, but would not come in, between 2 & 3, to ask me to tea to meet Miss Brown tomorrow. Walked back with them very near to the top of the bank.

  Wednesday 29 April [Halifax]

  Mending my gloves, the trimming of my black bombazine petticoat and all in readiness for this afternoon… At ½ past 5, went to the Greenwoods’ (Cross-hills). Miss Brown & her 2 friends, the Miss Kellys from Glasgow, arrived in about an hour… Considering her situation in life, Miss Brown is wonderful – handsome, or rather, interesting, gentle in her manners, entirely free from any sort of affectation & much more ladylike than any girl I have seen hereabouts. From conversation, I made out she is 23 & her sister 17. I wonder what she thinks of me? My attention to her is certainly sufficiently marked to attract her notice. Is she flattered? I think she is. I have thought of her all the way home, of writing to her anonymously and (as she said, when I asked her if she liked Lord Byron’s poetry, ‘Yes, perhaps too well’) of sending her a Cornelian heart with a copy of his lines on the subject.6 I could soon be in love with the girl.

  Sunday 10 May [Halifax]

  Had tea at ½ past 5 & my aunt & I walked to the lecture at the old church… Mrs Browne & her daughters & her visitors, the Misses Kelly from Glasgow, were there. My aunt & I waited for them as they went out, for her to get a peep at Miss Browne, who looked very interesting. Fair as a lily, with the loveliest rose upon her cheek.

  Tuesday 12 May [Halifax]

  In the afternoon, walked with my aunt to Halifax. We went to the library. Miss Browne & her friend, Miss Kelly, came in… Talked to them a few minutes (till 5) & then walked with them as far as Barum Top, making myself very agreeable. Miss Browne evidently pleased & flattered. When I met her at Cross-hills she said she never went to the library… They inquired for the 5th canto of Childe Harold. It is not in the library & I have been thinking ever since (for, somehow or other, this girl haunts my thoughts like some genius of fairy lore) how to get it & offer it for her reading.

  Wednesday 13 May [Halifax]

  Slept very ill last night. Did nothing but dream of Miss Browne; of being at their house; hearing her play on the piano & witnessing the vulgarity of her mother. I wish I could get the girl out of my head. However, there is one comfort; let me think or scheme what I may, I shall never allow myself to do anything beyond the folly of talking to, & perhaps walking a little way with her, now & then when I happen to meet her.

  Saturday 23 May [Halifax]

  Went to Mr Knight’s & sat ½ hour. Mentioning my despair of getting on with my studies, he proposed my giving up altogether the thought of pursuing them. This, I did not think it necessary to dissemble, I scouted entirely.

  Monday 25 May [Halifax]

  In the afternoon, cut off the feet of a pair of black silk stockings. Hemmed the legs & sewed [them] to a pair of cotton socks I have just got made for the purpose. At ½ past 5, m
y aunt & I set off to walk to Horley Green. Drank tea & spent a pleasant evening with Mrs, Miss & Miss Sarah Ralph & got home at 9… The Ralphs very civil. Miss Ralph mended me my gloves & offered to make the waist of my gown fit better.

  Wednesday 27 May [Halifax]

  Miss & Miss Sarah Ralph called. Miss Sarah undid the bombazine waist Mrs Stead made me & pinned it how it should be altered… I had to get ready to dine at Mr Tom Rawson’s at 3. Went (walked) down the old bank & got there 3 or 4 minutes before [by] the church clock. Mrs Catherine Rawson & Mrs Tom’s cousin, Mr Holdsworth (curate of the old church, pro tempore) dined there besides myself. In the evening, played & won a rubber of 2 points with Mr Tom Rawson against his aunt & Mr H. (sixpenny points). After supper, Mrs Catherine & I joined at one hookah while Mr Tom smoked another. Remarkably fine tobacco brought by Mr Stansfield Rawson from Turkey last year. Spent a pleasant day & got home at 11.

  Monday 1 June [Halifax]

  Dined at 5 & walked immediately afterwards to drink tea at Mr Drake’s in Northgate. Found my uncle & aunt already there. Whether from having walked too fast (in 17 minutes) or from the heat of the room & smell of drugs, I was hardly settled before I felt a bilious sickness come on &, hastily leaving them, went to my Aunt Lister’s, threw myself on Fanny’s bed in my aunt’s room &, after being very sick, fell asleep & remained so till 8, when my Aunt Anne awoke me & soon we all set off to walk home & got back at 9… Had coffee as soon as it could be made (which settled me a good deal) & got into bed at 11½.

  Tuesday 2 June [Halifax]

  For near an hour & a half, sewing fast the crape trimming round the bottom of my gown and getting ready to go to Halifax… Sat near an hour at Cross-hills. Talked about Miss Browne. They rallied me on the subject of my great admiration & Mrs Greenwood said we must have another meeting. To this I made no reply but, speaking of singing, joked & declared I would sing for nobody but Miss Browne & that to have been obliged to refuse her what she asked me at their house had made me ill ever since of a refusal fever. They said the admiration was mutual; that Miss Browne thought me very agreeable & that the younger Miss Kelly & the younger Miss Browne had gone one afternoon to the library on purpose to see me there… (Miss Caroline Greenwood & her mother as vulgar as ever. Miss Greenwood is certainly less vulgar than either of them.) Got to Well-head a few minutes after 5. Mrs W—, in her way one of those people who profess to ‘tell your mind’, very agreeable, seemed desired to make my visit pleasant. Speaking of what would be my choice in men, I said above all things, after good sense and good temper, good family and remarkably elegant manners. She mentioned Philip Saltmarshe. I said no; I think they all have some idea of Sam Waterhouse, but I told her that even if he could make up his mind to ask me to say yes, I should instantly make up my mind to answer no. The party was Mr & Mrs Waterhouse, the governess, Miss Green, & Mr Waterhouse’s brother, Mr Samuel Waterhouse, whose long visage & tardy utterances are anything but jocose.

  Wednesday 3 June [Halifax]

  The weather gets hot & my room, in spite of its being heightened, is too warm to brace the mind for study. However, I must do as well as I can… Looking over some songs, writing out ‘The Bay of Biscay’ & ‘Said Eve Unto Adam’ & dawdling literally quite in a perspiration, the sun full on my room & very hot… Drinking whey from the curds this morning. Lolling over songs, determined to have one ready if I should meet her again and she should ask me to sing, unless the number of the party present, as was the case before, again prevents me… I hardly remember spending such an idle morning & may I not soon, or ever, do it again, but I am hot & unnerved & unable, as it were, to attend much to anything. What should I have been if my room had remained as it used to be – about 2½ yds high & the pigeon-cote over it!

  Anne’s obsession with Miss Browne grew. Each time she went to town she made some excuse to go past the Brownes’ house. The two women began to meet on a regular basis at the library and also at church, as well as taking walks around the outskirts of the town. The friendship became the target for gossip, particularly as Anne refused to put the relationship upon a proper social footing, with the two families calling formally upon each other. Miss Browne was at first puzzled, then hurt at Anne’s attitude and Anne, herself, was uncomfortably aware both of her own snobbishness and of the town’s gossip.

  Sunday 7 June [Halifax]

  My uncle & I went to morning church… Took my letter to put into the post as an excuse for walking up Horton Street & talking to Miss Browne. Followed her party out of church but she was not there, nor had she been in the morning. Met with the Misses Staveley, Bessy & Sarah, & walked to the top of Horton Street with them… Spoke or moved to Mr Browne & Miss Isabel Kelly, but she seemed to return the salutation rather coolly. Tom Rawson spoke to her & then to me (for I was just before her). I made an attempt to enter into conversation with him & asked which way he was going. He said home, but somehow left me, tho’ our roads were the same… Why was Miss Browne not at the lecture last Sunday, nor at church this morning or evening as usual? Why did Miss Isabella Kelly appear to give a cool salutation? Miss Browne told the Greenwoods I was very agreeable and Miss Isabel Kelly told them she & Miss Maria Browne had gone to the library on purpose to see me there. Perhaps I am fanciful but I cannot help having some idea Miss Browne observes my singular attention and, as I do not call on her, wishes to avoid me, and Miss Isabella takes her queue [sic] from this. I wondered at Tom Rawson’s not joining me and did not much like walking with the Staveleys. In fact, I was disappointed altogether and felt as if I wished to hide my diminished head. I said in my head, ‘’Tis well. I deserve it. Miss Browne is right. It will do me good. I will think no more of her and, instead of throwing myself in her way, keep out of it as much as possible for the future and make myself scarce to everyone.’ Determined to devote myself solely to study and the acquirement of that literature which may make me eminent and more decidedly above them all hereafter. Is my admiration of this girl generally observed?… But I will think no more of Miss Browne. This night shall be a lesson to me and I will profit by it. My mind was intent on these reflections as I walked along and I resolved to stick diligently to my watchword – discretion, & next to good, devote myself to study.

  Sunday 14 June [Halifax]

  My aunt & I went to morning church. She rode the young black mare (that was my Uncle Joseph’s) for the 1st time… Had tea at 5 for me to get to the lecture… Walked from church with Miss Browne… Offered Miss Browne (Kallista, as I shall call her)7 my arm at the bottom of Horton Street and we two walked together by the side of one division of their party… Having the two keys in my hand belonging to the seat [in church] I smiled and told Kallista if they were the keys of heaven I would let her in. She made no reply. I observed she never does to anything the least bordering on a compliment. She told me she walked a great deal in the garden and she liked it by moonlight for it made her melancholy. She owned to being a little romantic and said she admired a little romance in people. I quite agreed & said a very sensible woman had once told me she thought a slight tincture of romance made a character more amiable… She wished she might ever meet me at church. I had looked into her prayer-book & excused the impertinence by saying I wished to find a name, as I had often inquired hers. She told me Elizabeth & thanked me for the interest I had taken in doing so. She goes to the baths, Dr Paley having ordered her warm bathing. She was not well last Sunday & therefore did not go to church. I think Miss Isabella did not mean to look coolly last Sunday… I asked Miss Browne if she had been to see Shibden valley. She said they had been to see Scout Hall but meant to come again to see more of the valley and asked me what way they should go. In explaining I said I should have been most happy to see them at Shibden but that my uncle & aunt visited so little, I feared so large a party would look alarming. She seemed to think this a thing of course with elderly people but was certainly pleased I had made the speech. Perhaps she may, in her own mind, give this reason for my not calling on her.

  Friday 19 J
une [Halifax]

  Anxious to awake very early this morning, attempted to sleep last night on the floor, then on the bare ticking, wrapping myself up in the sheet & blanket, but feeling my back very cold, lay across the bed, putting the pillow on a chair. This did not do. Did not awake till 7 & was so vexed to find it so late, I lay dozing till 9.

  Saturday 20 June [Halifax]

  In the evening, walked down the old bank & called at the vicarage to inquire after Mrs Knight who [was] suddenly taken dangerously ill about 1p.m. yesterday with a violent pain in her head, and pressure of blood on the brain, for which Dr Paley had her bled in the temple with a lancet, then 12 leeches put upon the place, a blister on her head & a mustard plaster on the back of her neck. He gave no hope of her yesterday but she is rather better today, tho’ they can’t keep her awake 2 minutes together.

  Sunday 21 June [Halifax]

  Had tea at 5 in the hope of my going to the lecture, but it was too wet. Having myself proposed making it a rule to have the pedigree [family tree] brought down & read aloud the 21st days of every June & December, began the thing this evening.

  Tuesday 23 June [Halifax]

  There being a wedding in the town today, not a chaise to be had. Mr Wriglesworth’s carriage came to convey us to dine at Whitwell place… General Fawcett & I walked to Elland. My uncle rode Diamond. Mr Wriglesworth & my 2 aunts in the carriage… Mrs Veitch gave us a good dinner & we had a tolerably pleasant visit. Drove home in an hour… my aunts & myself inside. The General with Thomas on the box… My father & Marian arrived (by the Highflier coach from Market Weighton), both looking very well – having slept last night at the Tavern in York. Singing different songs for 20 minutes before getting into bed.