Were All Animals

by Mima

  “Of course.”

  Although their visit was brief, it gave him a jolt of optimism that he hadn’t felt in weeks. There were days he felt like an imposture, playing a role that didn’t really belong to him but he continued because he didn’t know what else to do. He tried to not think about it because regardless of how much time went by or how much Jolene seemed to like him, Chase always feared the day would come when she would suddenly realize that she had hired a clueless moron. Maybe she was desperate when she hired him, suddenly with more business than she could handle and he seemed good enough for now.

  Dressing up for work felt strange. After working in bars and at the gym since high school, he felt awkward putting on a suit going to work. Not that he wore a suit every day but for now, Jolene let him know the days he would need one. That ended up being most days. At least he didn’t feel underdressed beside her, who was always in a dress or blouse and skirt; not that he could picture her in jeans and t-shirt.

  The weeks flew by and another birthday passed with little fanfare. He didn’t care. Unlike most people his age, he felt like a 40-year-old man with responsibilities, rather than most his age, who would probably spend the night getting drunk and fucked by some random girl after the bar. He was a bit envious of that freedom, those who hadn’t been tied down young, who were able to mindlessly live, feeling no responsibilities pulling them in any direction. Most guys his age only had to worry about either school or a job; no kids or ex-wives to constantly ask for money, bringing with it a list of problems and complaints that never seemed to end. There were no complications. Even the men his age who were fathers usually only had one kid. One kid was easy. One kid was a joke.

  He was a little disappointed when his former best friend forgot his birthday. In truth, Maggie would occasionally pop by to check in on him but that was rare and the visits usually linked to something regarding work. She never asked personal questions or offered information on her own life. He suspected she was seeing someone but he wasn’t sure.

  Kelsey wasn’t very different. After a brief, cryptic message over the holidays, there was nothing. He responded to wish her a Merry Christmas, a few days later, a Happy New Year, as he headed to a work event that involved many beautiful women entering a private party and probably satisfying each other all night, while he minded the door with emptiness filled his heart.

  Maggie was there that night, as usual, doing her hostess duty and he was tempted to ask about Kelsey but decided it was better to not bring up the topic. Chances were she had moved on from her crush and had a boyfriend taking up all her time now. He hoped it was true. She deserved to be with someone who could love her, unlike him, who had nothing more to give. That part of his life was over.

  It wasn’t that he was a cold-hearted asshole. It was more there was a vacant place where his feeling had once lived. He no longer had the emotional moments that filled him in his teens. He never cried. It wasn’t something Chase would admit to many but he shed many tears as a teen. His relationship with Lucy had been emotional torture, something he hadn’t recognized until he was able to stop and reflect, during those long nights alone in silence. The four walls of his apartment brought so much to the surface, things he hadn’t had time to consider until he was suddenly alone every night; no children crying, no loud music throbbing like when he worked at Bud’s, no distraction of a woman.

  When he thought about it, it was actually quite surprising that he didn’t hate women. Sometimes he felt like they hated him. They hated that he was silent when he should’ve been talking. They hated that he was strong when he should’ve been weak. They hated that he was passionate when he was supposed to be compliant. They hated that he was compliant when he was supposed to be passionate. He always seemed to have it backward and the rules changed far too frequently.

  Jolene was the obvious exception. It was one evening over a glass of wine after a long day of finishing some details on an upcoming party planned for Edmonton, that he broke his normally quiet disposition and started to reveal things he wouldn’t normally say. He felt it was professional and smart to not talk about your personal life or thoughts at work, so couldn’t believe when he suddenly blurted out his feelings.

  “You’re like, the only woman I’ve ever respected.”

  He immediately clasped his mouth shut.

  Fuck

  Jolene appeared almost as shocked by the reveal as he felt for having said it. Her eyes widened and she tilted her head to the side. “Ahh, I do appreciate you, Chase. I do.”

  “I probably shouldn’t have said that sorry-

  “Nah no, you feel that way, you should say it,” She confirmed, her eyes filled with emotion and she slowly nodded. “I can see why you would not always respect women. Your ex-wife, I get the feeling that was complicated, no? And Maggie,” She said her name as if it were a dirty word. “That one, I do not know. She works well, but do I like? I don’t like her.”

  “Maggie isn’t the same as the girl I knew,” Chase took a deep breath and quietly confessed. “I was so head over heels for her when we were younger. I mean, obviously, I was tied down with a wife and a kid really young, but man, I thought she was amazing. And I don’t know, she’s not that girl anymore.”

  “Well,” Jolene pursed her lips. “It’s good to know she used to be more…likeable? Is that what you say? Nice?”

  “She was,” Chase laughed. “I wanted her but it didn’t happen.”

  “She’s a lesbian, no?”

  “Yes.” Chase let out a self-conscious laugh. “I know.”

  “So what happened? You not friends? I don’t understand.” Jolene asked with some hesitation. “She really wanted you to have this job. I do not understand. I thought you were close from the way she talked at the time.”

  “I don’t know,” Chase hesitated. “Actually, yeah, I do know. Her younger sister is what happened.”

  “You do sexo with her?” Jolene’s eyes bugged out and a mischievous grin lit up her face. “You bad boy.”

  “No, no, not like that,” Chase laughed. “Not that her sister didn’t try but Maggie was mad that we were friends. Her sister was younger than us. Just a kid.”

  “Ah, so, one sister didn’t want you and the other did. How weird.”

  “Welcome to my life.”

  “You did not like, I mean, the sister, you like her?”

  “Yeah, she was awesome but she was young. I mean, she wanted to hook up when she was 16.”

  “So?”

  “I was like 19 or 20 at the time.”

  “So?”

  “What do you mean so?” Chase teased her. “She was a kid. I didn’t want to get arrested.”

  “You wouldn’t get arrested for that.”

  “Yeah, well, actually, yeah you can,” Chase laughed at the humored expression on Jolene’s face. “It’s called having sex with a minor. It’s illegal.”

  “Oh this country, sometimes, I don’t understand.” Jolene waved her hand in the air. “When I was 16, I was dating men who were probably 25, are you kidding me? Who cares?”

  “Well, to me, it’s not right.”

  “She was 16, not 11.”

  “Now you sound like her.”

  Jolene shrugged.

  “Did you respect her?”

  Chase thought for a moment. “Yes, very much so. That’s why I didn’t try anything with her, not cause she wasn’t attractive.”

  “I don’t understand you,” Jolene shook her head. “Maybe it’s language barrier, but I do not understand.”

  Neither did he. But he soon would.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

  All is never lost. Everyday introduces new hope even after exploring the darkest places in our soul. Sometimes life is just about getting through the heavy, difficult periods, much in the same way that you would drive through terrible weather on a winter’s day; you cannot deny or ignore
it but take it on and face the pummeling snow, knowing that it won’t always be this way.

  Chase knew all about dark storm clouds. He had faced many in his life and sometimes, it made him distrust the days when everything seemed to be running smoothly. It was that distrust that made him nervous about losing his job and ending up on the street, empty and alone. He saw the homeless as he drove to and from work and recognized himself in many of their faces; young and aboriginal. Despite the fact that he was half white, since moving to Calgary, Chase felt like you were either white or ‘something else’. His dark eyes, high cheekbones, and dark skin indicated that he was in the latter category. Oddly, in Hennessey, it hadn’t been a big deal.

  When he first moved to Calgary, he assumed that people were nervous of his presence at a nearby corner store because he was a large man; both tall and muscular but as time wore on, he began to question if it was because he was native. Did people think he was somehow a threat or dangerous? The idea shocked him because it was not something he experienced until moving to Calgary. Ironically, he had assumed that a large city would be more tolerable, not the other way around.

  When he brought up his observation to Jolene one day over lunch, she merely shrugged as she continued to browse the menu.

  “I’m Columbian,” she casually threw into the conversation. “I’m a drug lord here to sell drugs to children.”

  “Ha?”

  “It’s a stereotipping, Chase.” She replied as she closed her menu. “People have racist eyes about everyone else.”

  “Oh, stereotyping?” Chase asked as he took a drink of his water.

  “Yes, stereotyping, yes, I know, I say wrong,” she shook her long, dark hair from side to side and made a face. “People watch too much TV and think what they see there is what we are like. We are not TV people, we’re…real people, you know?”

  Chase nodded.

  “There are good and bad everywhere, no matter what color you are, you know?” She gestured toward Chase and pushed her menu aside, her eyes staring at the waiter who was chatting with another customer nearby. “Now my brother, he thinks all white people are racist.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, he thinks white people think they are like, how you say, kings in the community,” she put an invisible crown on her head. “But I do not, I do not think so.”

  The waiter made his way over to the table and their conversation ended.

  Chase was very aware of these words each time he went into the convenience store near his home and felt as though he had to be extra nice to the staff, in order to prove he was not dangerous. Of course, that would’ve been easier if the staff hadn’t changed on a regular basis.

  He grew more comfortable in his new home and with the silence of his apartment. It was quiet most nights, other than chatter outside his door when people passed by, he barely heard a peep. He slowly started to enjoy the tranquility and although he missed his kids, he didn’t miss hearing them cry non-stop. Perhaps it was shameful for him to appreciate this small pleasure, so he would never tell anyone. It wouldn’t be considered acceptable to feel such a way.

  The silence wouldn’t last. It was a spring day when a knock at the door interrupted his nap on the couch; the one piece of furniture, other than a bed and television, that he invested in. Slightly disheveled, he slowly rose up to a seated position, wondering if he actually was having a dream but a second knock let him know that someone was waiting for him in the hallway. Assuming it was most likely Maggie, who occasionally showed up at his door for a brief moment, he slowly wandered toward the door, his legs slightly stiff from a recent workout that pushed his level of fitness to a new level. He expected a short, mechanical conversation that would end quickly, allowing him to return to his nap.

  He barely had the door opened when caught up in a dramatic embrace that was easily soap opera worthy, the familiar scent filled his lungs and for a moment, he was back in Hennessey. Kelsey was in his arms.

  Neither said a word until she let go and stepped back. Wearing slightly more makeup than she had at home, there was a maturity that hadn’t existed when he last saw her. No longer wearing ripped jeans and skin tight tank tops - regardless of the weather - she was dressed more like a young lady who was about to go to a job interview, rather than the ‘kid’ he remembered. Her hair was pulled back in a neat ponytail and she carried a purse. Had he ever seen Kelsey with a purse; A backpack, definitely, but not a purse.

  “Can I come in?” She was direct, as always and still having not said a word, he moved aside as she slid by him. He slowly closed the door, unsure of what to say, he said nothing. “I can’t believe I’m here; in Calgary, in this apartment, with you.”

  “I didn’t know you were coming,” Chase was cautious to not give her the wrong impression. He was happy to see her but didn’t want to overemphasize that fact, nor did he want to hurt her feelings by giving the impression he wasn’t happy with her surprise visit. “I mean, Maggie didn’t mention it.”

  “She didn’t know either,” Kelsey raised her eyebrow and let out a little laugh as she sat on his couch. “I came to see dad but he shipped me out to her house. I think his ‘lady friend’ probably didn’t appreciate me being around. Then again, Maggie was always his favorite - well, everyone’s favorite.”

  It was the typical Kelsey comment, letting him know that some things never changed. There had always been a rivalry between the two. He had no idea where it stemmed from or how it started but it always came back to favoritism. Kelsey felt as though she were the black sheep of the family and no one ever corrected her.

  “I don’t know if that’s necessarily true,” Chase commented and stood awkwardly beside the couch. To sit down on either side, would require him to be very close to Kelsey and he wasn’t sure if that was a good idea. “I think-

  “Trust me, it’s true,” Kelsey insisted as she removed her coat to reveal a slightly loose top that didn’t exactly hide her figure. Of course, he didn’t have to look either. “Dad barely spent a day with me and after he did the formalities of taking me out to dinner, buying me some ‘clothes that actually fit’,” she gestured toward her top and shrugged. “he introduced me to his girlfriend, who looked like she was offended that I was even in the same room, then he ‘suggested’ that I go stay with Maggie for ‘a while’. I guess that was his nice way of saying that he didn’t want me to stick around for long.”

  “So, you got here yesterday?” He asked as he made his way to the kitchen, attempting to process their conversation. “You’re staying with Maggie?

  “As of today, I am,” She confirmed and sat back on the couch. “She’s gone but she was gracious enough to meet me for like, five minutes and let me into her apartment.”

  Chase grinned but didn’t say anything. That scenario sounded vaguely familiar.

  “And here I am,” she commented and glanced around his place. “You really need to decorate, Chase.”

  He turned back and shrugged. “Do you want some water? Coffee?”

  “I’d kind of like a 7UP with a shot of vodka.”

  “I don’t drink pop or alcohol, really…”

  “Always a saint,” she teased.

  “Hardly.”

  “If you weren’t, you would’ve fucked me,” she bluntly reminded him, her blue eyes danced around and she waited for his reaction. When she didn’t get one, Kelsey continued. “I’m only here for a minute, Chase. I’m fine.”

  He didn’t know what to say.

  “So what do you think of all this?” She pointed around the room. “The apartment, Calgary, being away from Audrey? You know she’s totally nailing that little nerd she’s dating? The one that looks scared of her? I think she gets off on that, you know, like literally gets off on that. Know what I mean?”

  Chase nodded. “You’re probably right.”

  Kelsey glanced at her phone and suddenly jumped up, grabbin
g her jacket and purse. “I was on my way out but I’ll see you a bit later.” She headed toward the door. “I just wanted to pop in on my way through to say hi.”

  “OK, well, we’ll talk later?” Chase asked as he followed her and watched Kelsey reach for the doorknob.

  “Of course,” she replied, turning quickly, he noticed her right eye turned in a bit as it often did when she was nervous, something she tried to hide but he could see it and gave her a warm smile. “Bye.”

  Then she was gone. Locking the door, he slowly made his way back to the couch. The scent that reminded him of fresh cookies seem to linger where she sat and he found himself feeling slightly aroused by that remaining presence.

  He wasn’t sure how he felt about her being in Calgary, only a couple floors above him, staying with Maggie. Was it permanent or a short visit? He wasn’t really clear what brought this on or what he should do? Was Jolene correct and he being too much of a prude? After all, she was probably 18 by now? Perhaps that hadn’t really been the issue so much as the one that was safe to say out loud.

  Rather than to deal with his thoughts, Chase decided to go to the gym. There was something about hitting a heavy bag that brought him to a completely different place. With his focus on boxing, rather than his life, he could separate himself from the problems that lurked around. Financial concerns, fears, dreams, hopes; everything took a backseat when he was working out, almost as if those minutes put him in the zone, a place that extracted him from real life; a place that hadn’t always been very kind to him.

  After an invigorating workout followed by a shower, he found the relief he sought and his body was light as he walked out of the gym, heading toward his car. It was once inside, he noticed a message on his phone. It was from Kelsey, asking him to stop by Maggie’s place when he had a chance. He replied, saying he was on his way home and would drop in when he reached the apartment building.