The Decision

by Wanda E. Brunstetter

  Away from well-meaning people, the tears Elaine had held in for most of the morning pushed quickly to the surface. Quietly, she let them fall, covering her mouth to stifle the cries. Grandpa was gone, yet it seemed as though he were still here. His presence would be felt in this house for a long time. Grandpa’s voice seemed to whisper in Elaine’s ear: “Make each day count, Lainie, no matter what. Things happen for a reason, and although we may not understand it, in time, you’ll find the answers you seek.”

  Grandma used to remind Elaine of similar things, often saying, “The Lord knows what is best for each of His children.”

  God, is all of this really what’s best for me? Elaine’s jaw clenched. First, You took my parents, and now You’ve taken Grandpa, whom we need so much. I feel like I’m in a dark tunnel without any light to guide me out.

  She could stand in her bedroom and sob all day, but she had to get ahold of herself. It was time for her to support Grandma, just as she and Grandpa had always been there for her.

  Elaine wiped away the tears with her apron and went to her closet to get Leah’s gift, a bag of daffodil bulbs from the market. Leah’s favorite color was yellow, and Elaine thought her friend would enjoy planting them and seeing them bloom every spring. She had enough bulbs to give half to Priscilla. She hadn’t planned it this way, but it would be her way of saying thank you for all they were doing to make things easier on her and Grandma. She would ask them to plant the flowers in memory of Grandpa.

  Elaine hesitated, wishing she could stay in her room a little longer. She took a deep breath, squeezing her eyes tightly shut. Grandma must want to be alone in her grief, too, and yet throughout the funeral, graveside service, and now here for the meal, she had put on a brave face in the presence of others.

  How can one go on after losing their soul mate and partner for life? Elaine wondered. How does a wife begin each new day, knowing her husband is gone and won’t be coming back? First Grandma had lost her only son, and now her husband was gone. Oh, Lord, Elaine prayed, help me to be there for her in every way, offering all of the comfort and care she will need in order to get through each day.

  Elaine thought of Jonah and wondered what it would be like if she’d never met him. She cared deeply for Jonah and hoped to have a future with him, but how fair would it be for him to have to help her care for Grandma? The most difficult part of today was behind her, but now the real work would begin. It was time to pick up the pieces of their lives and try to move on.

  CHAPTER 2

  That evening after all the food was cleared away and everyone had gone home, Elaine went out to the barn to feed the horses. The sound of her steady stride had apparently alerted the animals of feeding time and sent the buggy horses into whinnying and kicking at their stalls. Patches and two of their other barn cats seemed excited to see Elaine, as they skittered across the lawn and pawed at the hem of her dress. “Not now, you three. I’m too busy to play right now.”

  When Elaine stepped inside, she was greeted by familiar smells—grain, hay, dust, and the strong odor of horseflesh and urine from the horses’ stalls. They really needed to be cleaned, but that could wait for another day. She was too tired to lift a pitchfork, and it would be all she could manage just to feed the horses this evening.

  As Elaine approached the stall where Grandpa’s horse was kept, she bit back a huge sob. This was the last place she’d seen her grandfather alive, when he’d asked her to look out for Grandma. Grandpa had obviously known he was dying.

  “I will be here to help Grandma through her grief,” Elaine murmured. “And she’ll be here for me.”

  A rustling noise behind Elaine caused her to jump. “Ach, Jonah! I thought you had gone home,” she said as he moved toward her.

  “I left to make sure my sister got home safely,” Jonah explained. “Her horse was acting up, and since Nathan had to work and couldn’t be with her today, I decided to follow Jean and her kinner home. Then I came back to check on you and your grandma and see if you needed my help with anything.” He walked over to an open bale of hay and removed a few chunks to give Elaine’s horse.

  “Danki, Jonah.” She stepped closer to him, feeling comforted and choked up by his consideration.

  A look of concern showed clearly on Jonah’s face, and it brought Elaine to tears. “Oh, Jonah,” she sobbed, “I came out here to feed the horses, and all I could think about was how just a few days ago, I found Grandpa dying in his horse’s stall.”

  Jonah drew Elaine into his arms and gently patted her back. “Losing a loved one is never easy, but God will give you the strength to endure it, for He understands your grief.”

  She nodded, pulling slowly back and gazing up at his tender expression. “As much as I hurt right now, I know that Grandma is hurting even more.”

  “Jah,” Jonah agreed, “and she will need to deal with the pain of losing Lloyd in her own way, in a time frame we can’t control.”

  “Are you saying there’s nothing I can do to help her get through this terrible loss?” Elaine could hardly believe Jonah would hint at such a thing.

  “I’m not saying that at all,” he said with a shake of his head. “I just meant that Edna will have to deal with Lloyd’s passing in her own way.”

  “I know, but I made a promise to Grandpa that I would be here for Grandma, and I plan to keep that commitment.”

  Jonah nodded as though he understood and reached for her hand. “Why don’t you go back to the house and let me take care of the horses? You’ve had a long day, and I’m sure you’re exhausted.”

  “You’re right about that,” she agreed with a weary sigh. “And if you’re sure you don’t mind, I think I will go inside and make sure that Grandma’s okay. I’ll fix some chamomile tea, which will hopefully help us both get to sleep.”

  Jonah bent and kissed Elaine on the cheek. “I’ll be back sometime tomorrow to see how you’re both doing.”

  “Danki, that means a lot.” As Elaine left the barn, she thanked God for bringing Jonah into her life. He was such a kind, compassionate man. She hoped that he wouldn’t ask her to marry him anytime soon, for if he did, her answer would have to be no. For however long it took, Elaine’s first obligation was to Grandma, which meant her own needs and wants must be put on hold.

  Sara Stutzman stood in front of her bedroom window, staring at the inky blackness of the night sky. Attending Lloyd Schrock’s funeral today had been hard on her, as it brought back memories of when she’d had to watch her own husband’s body being buried. She and Harley had been married a little over two years when his life was snuffed out by a falling tree, leaving Sara to raise their son, Mark, by herself. Life could be hard, and disasters could occur when least expected. But life continued, and Sara had a reason to live lying right there in his crib across the hall.

  Her precious dark-haired little boy would never know his father, but she would make sure to tell him what a wonderful, loving man his dad had been. At moments like this, Sara wished she had a picture of Harley so she could share it with Mark when he got older. But posing for a photo was frowned upon in her church district, so she would do her best to describe to her son what his father looked like.

  Biting her lip to keep tears from flowing, Sara wondered if it was right to continue living in Illinois or if it would be better to return to Goshen, Indiana, where her parents and siblings lived.

  Sara had met Harley when he’d gone to Goshen to work for his uncle Abner one summer. They’d quickly fallen in love, and when Harley went back to Illinois, they kept in touch through letters and phone calls. He came back to Goshen to visit several times, and a year later, Harley had asked Sara to marry him. They’d lived in Indiana for six months before moving to his hometown, where he’d started a new business making windows. Sara liked Illinois, and she’d made many friends in the area, including Jean Mast, whom she considered to be her closest friend. If Sara went back to Indiana, where she’d been born and raised, it would be hard to say good-bye to those she’d become cl
ose to here. Still, was it fair to Mark to live so far from his mother’s parents, whom he would never know as well as his father’s parents?

  So many decisions to make, Sara thought. But I don’t want to make any permanent changes just yet. Like Harley’s mother had said a few weeks after his death, “It’s best not to make any quick decisions about the future until you have had sufficient time to grieve.”

  Betty was right. She still grieved the loss of her eldest son, just as Harley’s father and younger siblings did. It had not been an easy time for any of them, but Sara was thankful they had each other’s support, for without Harley’s family, she wouldn’t have made it this far. And having Mark close by helped Betty, because her grandson was the only part of Harley she had left.

  Even though it was dark, in her mind’s eye Sara could see every inch of the property. This home, this land was where she and Harley had planned to live, raise a family, and grow old together. Sara’s heart was in this place as much as her husband’s had been, and in the time they’d lived here, so many good memories had been made. But then this very land they’d loved so much had taken her husband’s life. Would she be able to continue forcing herself to look at the trees lining their property without letting that horrible day override the sweet memories they’d made in such a short period of time?

  Sara was thankful she’d been able to lease out part of their land to a neighboring Amish man who farmed for a living. The income from that, as well as money they had saved in the bank, was helping her get by. In addition, both Sara’s parents and Harley’s had given some money to help out.

  My year of mourning is almost up, and I’ll need to make my decision soon about whether I should stay here or move back to Indiana, Sara told herself after she’d pulled the covers aside and crawled into bed. In the meantime, I need to find an additional way to support myself and Mark, because my savings won’t last forever, and I can’t rely on my in-laws’ or parents’ help indefinitely. I need to ask God for His guidance and strength each day.

  Grandma and Elaine had retired to their rooms a few hours ago, but Elaine was still standing at her window, looking toward the heavens and asking God for answers about what the future might hold. The stars seemed to be twinkling more brightly, perhaps just for her. Lord, help me to be strong for Grandma. Help me not to lose hope and to understand why, when things seemed to be going so well, everything suddenly fell apart. Elaine’s body was tired, yet her mind whirled with a multitude of questions.

  Finally, Elaine willed herself toward the bed, knowing she needed to get off her aching feet. Pulling back the covers, she slipped into the linens that still smelled like fresh air. Grandma always hung the sheets outside after washing them, and they held their fragrance for several days. Elaine loved to bury her nose into the pillowcase and breathe deeply of its freshness. It was almost like falling asleep outdoors.

  She tucked the quilt, lovingly made by her grandmother, under her chin, while wiggling her toes to get the cramps out. What she wouldn’t do right now for her friend Leah to give her a good foot massage. Leah practiced reflexology and was quite good at it. Reflexology dealt with a lot more than massaging feet, but right now, Elaine would have settled for just that.

  She reflected on how Leah and Priscilla had been happy with the daffodil bulbs she’d given them. Even before Elaine had suggested it, both friends had said the flowers would be planted in memory of Grandpa Schrock, an affectionate name they had called him by all these years.

  Elaine closed her eyes, and even with both doors tightly shut, she heard Grandma’s muffled crying from the room across the hall. As Elaine drifted fitfully to sleep, her last words of prayer were for Grandma to find the strength to go on.

  Elaine sat straight up in bed and glanced at the clock on her dresser. It was nearly midnight, and she’d only been asleep a few hours. A noise seemed to be coming from the kitchen. She tipped her head and listened, trying to make out what it was.

  Then Elaine caught a whiff of something cooking. But that was impossible; Grandma had gone to bed hours ago.

  Pushing her covers aside, Elaine crawled out of bed and put her robe and slippers on. Opening her bedroom door, she padded down the hall toward the kitchen.

  When she stepped into the room, she was surprised to see Grandma standing in front of the stove, flipping pancakes with an oversized spatula.

  “Grandma, what are you doing out of bed, and why are you making pancakes at this time of night?” Elaine asked, joining her at the stove.

  Grandma turned to look at Elaine. “I’m sorry, dear. Did I wake you?”

  “Well, I…”

  Grandma placed one hand on her stomach and gave it a pat. “I’m hungerich, and I had a craving for pannekuche. Would you like some, too?”

  Elaine shook her head. “I’m not hungry, and after the long day we’ve had, you should be tired, too.”

  “I couldn’t sleep, and I was thirsty.” Grandma’s mouth twisted grimly. “My bed seems empty without my dear husband to share it.”

  Elaine wanted to say that she understood, but having never been married, she couldn’t fully comprehend the scope of what Grandma must be feeling right now. “Would it help if you slept in one of the guest rooms upstairs?” she suggested.

  Grandma shook her head vigorously. “I am not leaving the bedroom your grandpa and I shared for so many years.” She sighed and turned off the propane-operated stove. “It’ll take me awhile to get used to sleeping alone, but I’ll manage somehow.”

  Grandma placed the pancakes on a plate, grabbed the syrup bottle from the cupboard, and sat at the table. “Even in my loss, I can give thanks for all that the Lord provides.” She bowed her head and closed her eyes. When she opened them again, Elaine took a seat beside her.

  “Are you sure you’re not hungerich?” Grandma asked, taking a drink of water from the glass she’d placed on the table. “I’d be happy to share some of these pannekuche with you.”

  “No. I’ll just sit here and watch you eat,” Elaine replied. She guessed it was good that Grandma was eating now, as she hadn’t had much to eat at the meal after Grandpa’s graveside service, and neither had Elaine.

  “As you like.” Grandma poured syrup over the pancakes and took her first bite. “Your grandpa loved pure maple syrup. He liked buttermilk pancakes the best, but I think he would have eaten any kind that was set before him.” Grandma chuckled. “As much as that man liked to eat, it was amazing that he didn’t have a problem with his weight.”

  “I guess it was because he always worked so hard,” Elaine commented.

  “Jah, and before he retired from farming, he labored in the fields, so it was no wonder he had such a hearty appetite.”

  Grandma went on to talk about how she and Grandpa had met at a young people’s singing many years ago—a story Elaine had heard several times. But she listened patiently, knowing it did Grandma good to reminisce like this, and it would no doubt help the healing process. Truthfully, Elaine never tired of hearing it. She was comforted by hearing about how things had been when Grandpa and Grandma were young.

  When the grandfather clock in the living room struck one, Elaine suggested that they both head back to bed.

  Grandma yawned. “I guess you’re right; I am awfully tired. Danki for sitting here so patiently while I rambled on and on about the past.”

  Elaine placed her hand over Grandma’s. “It’s all right. You needed to talk, and I hope you’ll share things about Grandpa with me whenever you want, because I enjoy hearing them.”

  Tears welled in Grandma’s eyes. “We who grieve will never forget the ones we’ve lost, but we can be thankful for the years we had with your grossdaadi, for he filled our lives with love and laughter and gave me a sense of joy beyond compare.” She squeezed Elaine’s fingers. “And if I’m not mistaken, someday soon you’ll find that same kind of love, laughter, and joy with Jonah Miller.”

  “I hope so,” Elaine said in a near whisper. Truth was, she wasn’t sure Jonah would
be willing to wait until she felt ready for marriage. And if he wasn’t, she wouldn’t blame him for that.

  CHAPTER 3

  When Elaine entered the kitchen the following morning, she found a stack of Grandma’s good dishes sitting on the table, and Grandma was at the sink, washing glasses.

  “Guder mariye, Grandma.”

  “Good morning.”

  “Why do you have the good dishes out?” Elaine questioned.

  “Have you forgotten that we have a group of tourists coming here on Friday?”

  “Well, no, but…”

  “Thought I would get a jump on the dishes while I have some time to clean them. That way, they’ll be ready for our guests. Then I’ll take them out to the dining-room table.” Grandma turned and offered Elaine a weak smile. Dark circles rimmed her pale blue eyes, and Elaine was sure she hadn’t slept well, if at all, last night.

  “Oh, Grandma, I think it’s too soon for that. I had planned on calling the tour group director this morning and canceling our Friday-night dinner.”

  Grandma shook her head determinedly. “We made a commitment, Elaine, and we need to stick to it. Besides, we could sure use the money.”

  Elaine couldn’t argue with that, but she wasn’t up to cooking a big meal for fifty people, and she didn’t think Grandma was, either. “Maybe we can reschedule it for another time,” Elaine suggested, moving closer to the sink.

  “No, we can’t.” Grandma reached for another glass to wash, carefully immersing it in the soapy water. “The people who’ll be coming are from out of town, not to mention that they’ve paid for their meal in advance.”

  Elaine sighed deeply, picking up the dish towel to dry what Grandma had washed. “We can refund their money, Grandma, and I’m sure once I explain the circumstances to the tour director, she’ll understand.”

  “We need the money,” Grandma repeated.