How to Outrun a Crocodile When Your Shoes Are Untied

by Jess Keating

  STUFF YOU’LL NEED:

  - Vaseline (you can get this supercheap at any pharmacy or drugstore.)

  - Cocoa powder

  - Small, microwave-safe bowl

  - Spoons

  - Microwave

  - Small containers for your lip gloss (I like using jars with twisty tops. You can get these at craft or beauty supply stores.)

  - Stickers or labels (for decorating your finished lip gloss!)

  WHAT TO DO:

  1. Add a big spoonful of Vaseline to the microwave-safe bowl. You don’t have to be too specific for this recipe, so just glob some in!

  2. Microwave the Vaseline for about two minutes. Watch it carefully so it doesn’t boil! When it’s melted, carefully take the bowl out. Use oven mitts and don’t burn yourself!

  3. Add a small spoonful of cocoa powder to the Vaseline and begin mixing. You can add as much as you like. Remember: the more cocoa powder you add, the darker the tint will be. Stir the chocolate-goop mixture to make sure there are no cocoa powder lumps.

  4. Return the bowl to the microwave for another ten to twenty seconds. Stir it again.

  5. Get your lip gloss containers ready and spoon in the mixture. Let it cool in the container. Soon it will be smooth with a shiny finish!

  6. Use stickers or labels to decorate your lip gloss. That’s it! Your lips will smell like hot chocolate, so pucker up!

  acknowledgments

  Writing a book is like wrangling a crocodile; you just can’t do it unless you have help with the scary bits. If I had my way, you’d all get a chapter of thanks!

  First of all, to Kathleen Rushall. There are no words to express how grateful I am to have you as my brilliant agent and friend. Your unwavering patience, wisdom, and humor mean the world to me. This one’s for you too.

  To Aubrey Poole and the rest of the amazing team at Sourcebooks for giving Ana the perfect home. Your keen eyes, heart, and enthusiasm are on every page.

  To Liv (the real one), Alina, Adrienne, Carter, and the rest of my friends in the kid lit community who cheered me on every step of the way. I owe you all ice cream sundaes!

  To all the incredible teachers and librarians out there, especially those who gave me extra books to read.

  To my family, and to Mom and Dad for never complaining about the zoo they lived in.

  To Justin, for all the love and laughter.

  And finally thank you, dear reader! May you always be your truest self. Even if it gets you covered in crocodile muck.

  about the author

  Jess Keating was nine years old when she brought home a fox skeleton she found in the woods and declared herself Jane Goodall, and not much has changed since then. Her first job was at a wildlife rehabilitation center, where she spent her days chasing raccoons, feeding raptors (the birds, not the dinosaurs!), and trying unsuccessfully to avoid getting sprayed by skunks. Her love of animals carried her through college, where she studied zoology and received a master’s in animal science, before realizing her lifelong dream of writing a book for kids about a hilarious girl who lives in a zoo.

  She has always been passionate about three things: writing, animals, and education. Today, she’s lucky enough to mix together all three. When she’s not writing books for adventurous and funny kids, she’s hiking the trails near her Ontario home, watching documentaries, and talking about weird animal facts* to anyone who will listen. You can email her at jesskeatingbooks@gmail.com, or visit her online at www.jesskeating.com.

  *Did you know a sea cucumber breathes out its butt?

  CREATURE FILE:

  Jess Keating

  SPECIES NAME: Authorificus Biophiliac

  KINGDOM: Ontario, Canada!

  PHYLUM: Writers who have a strange love of quirky critters and brave characters; Animal nut with a pen.

  WEIGHT: You dare ask a lady her weight?! Why, I never! Wait, is this before or after I ate that banana split?

  NATURAL HABITAT: Outside exploring with a messy notebook or snuggled up watching nature documentaries with her husband.

  FEEDS ON: Grilled apple and cheese sandwiches, popcorn, and pizza.

  LIFESPAN: I was born on a sunny summer day in…wait, nobody has time for my life story here. Get it together, Jess.

  HANDLING TECHNIQUE: Gets restless inside, so daily walks are essential. Also have significant quantities of caramel corn and extra books on hand in case of emergency.

  HOW TO OUTSWIM A SHARK WITHOUT A SNORKEL

  Book 2 in the My Life is a Zoo series

  COMING JANUARY 2015

  After becoming the zoo’s most popular student ambassador, Ana Wright is starting to love her life. But when her famous grandfather funds a new aquarium, Ana’s life goes from sunny to sunk.

  Now Ana’s stuck working with Ryan (the younger brother of the cute marine biology student) all summer—and he’s the biggest PAIN Ana has ever met. With confusing new boys, old enemies, and even more animal poop in her life, Ana’s newest adventure has her questioning why, after finally getting her life sorted out, do things have to change again?

  Read on for a sneak peek!

  chapter 1

  “Some sharks can never stop moving, or else they will suffocate and die.”

  —Animal Wisdom

  Hijinx at the Zoo? August 20th

  Visitors to the Zoo this Sunday got a big surprise when Ana Wright, granddaughter of the famed Shep Foster, fell into a shark tank during an educational presentation. The twelve-year-old wasn’t injured.

  “It looked like she just threw herself in!” said Jonathon Wexley, a local business owner who witnessed the accident. “One minute that other girl was talking about sharks, and the next? She just jumped!” The impromptu dip in the shark tank wasn’t the only surprise that day, when police arrived at the scene to arrest…

  One month earlier.

  Throwing myself into a shark tank is not my idea of a good time. Luckily, my summer didn’t start with sharks. But it did start with some big changes.

  No. Big is an understatement.

  Ginormous.

  Uber.

  Behemoth.

  It also started with snorkels.

  It’s funny how you can blink and your entire life is different. One minute you think things will stay the same for a while. Then right when you get used to them, they go changing again just to mess with you. This is why I was so against this whole snorkeling thing from the get-go.

  I took a huge breath and dipped under the water again, feeling the panic hit me like an ice cold wall.

  I can do this. I’m not going to drown. Nope. Except it’s really hard to do those deep, cleansing breaths underwater.

  In. I tried to suck in a breath.

  Out. The whoosh of air was loud in my ears, fake and rattling.

  A toddler and his mother splashed by me, sending a trail of goose bumps snaking up my legs. The blurry outlines of a nearby peacock moved above me, strutting around on the lookout for tossed french fries at the edges of the water. Underwater, the hard, gritty floor of the pool was digging into my knees.

  The sound of my heart pounding in my ears began to drown out the splashes.

  Shoot.

  I’d forgotten to breathe again.

  I tried to suck in a breath, but the mask on my face stopped me from getting any air. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe!

  “Don’t breathe through your nose!” Grandpa bellowed as I lurched my head up from the water. Daz slapped me on the back as I choked, hacking up a mouthful of cold, stinging water. My hair was stuck against my face like sloppy, wet tentacles.

  “I can’t get it!” I wailed. “Why is this so hard?!” I yanked the mask from my face and squished my cheeks. The rubbery-suction had left lines on my skin that hurt to touch. Grandpa gave me a sympathetic look, but my brother just shook his head and splash
ed me. A few other families in the wave pool turned to stare at me, like I was an angry seal causing a scene.

  “It’s not hard,” Daz laughed. “It’s just breathing! You do it all the time! In! Out! Repeat!”

  Ugh.

  Figures that I could mess up something as simple as breathing. What happened to my super-fun-no-worries-awesome summer, huh? I watched as Daz stuffed his snorkel into his mouth and slipped under the water again. Water slopped off his hand as he pointed dramatically to the top of his snorkel and loudly breathed the air in and out.

  “Show off,” I muttered. I aimed a kick at his mask under the water, but missed and slipped on the gritty floor of the pool. It is impossible to stay ticked off when you have water up your nose. I hated swimming. Well, okay. That isn’t exactly true. I don’t mind standing in water, splashing around. But actually going underwater? I’d rather face off against an angry croc than go underwater. There’s no air under there, you know. This is why if I have a choice to swim or stay on firm land, I pick land every single time. That and this horrible swimsuit of mine that digs into my shoulders like nobody’s business and rides up my butt…but that’s another story.

  Last week Grandpa announced that he wanted us to learn how to snorkel. Ever since he came to visit a while ago, it’s been one project after another and it is beyond tiring. He burst into the house carrying a bunch of swimming masks and snorkels. “It’s like living in another world!” he’d said. “Like an alien planet! A skill that everyone should have!”

  Blah, blah, blah.

  If it’s a skill that everyone should have, then wouldn’t we be born with gills in our necks? He didn’t seem to think that was funny, though.

  Why did we have to learn now, when summer is already super busy with zoo stuff and generally lazing about NOT going to school? I have no idea.

  All I know is that he was super secretive about it, saying it was “about time” and that it’s part of some “big surprise” that he keeps hinting at. Grandpa could be hard to handle at the best of times, what with the paparazzi following him and all, but this was much worse. Turns out having a secret made him extra cheerful.

  My brother Daz was psyched to learn how to snorkel, but I didn’t want to admit that the idea of submerging my head and trying to breathe underwater seemed completely unnatural and would probably be the death of me. That’s no surprise. You can pretty much guarantee that if it’s insane, Daz will be up for it. Of course, most people don’t learn to snorkel in the wave pool at the zoo surrounded by wandering peacocks, but that’s what you get when you’re me and you live in a zoo.

  “You did great for today, Banana,” Grandpa said, sloshing out of the pool. I hauled myself out of the water before Daz could splash me again. The feeling of failure dripped over me, running in trails down my skin along with the water. We’d been trying for days already, and I still couldn’t get it. “You’ll figure this soon enough, it’s just a matter of training your brain to not panic with the snorkel.” He checked his watch. “I have to go check on something. Why don’t you go home and dry off and meet me in half an hour by the polar bear tank? Don’t forget!”

  I nodded, my insides clenching with nerves. “And I’ll finally get to hear about this giant surprise, right?” I couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of my voice. Last time he surprised us I ended up on TV. I was not ready to relive that little shenanigan.

  “You got it!” He gripped Daz by the shoulder and yanked him away. “Come with me, young man. You can help an old man out.”

  I giggled, watching Daz try to keep up with Grandpa. He may be older, but Grandpa can still dodge a rattlesnake when he needs to. Which is pretty often, really. Families hushed as they walked past, and a few cameras clicked as “the famous Shep Foster” gave them a wide smile. He was good at being in the spotlight, that was for sure.

  I took another big gulp of warm air, happy that I didn’t have to breathe through that straw anymore. Whatever Grandpa’s surprise was, I hoped breathing normally was part of the plan.

  “Hey, it’s her!” A girl’s voice sounded muffled in my waterlogged ears. “It’s Ana Wright! That’s her! Hey, Ana!”

  I brushed the hair out of my face to see two young girls rushing toward me. They waved frantically, while their mother snapped a picture. “Can we get a picture with you?” Their flip-flops slapped against the ground as they hopped in place.

  My breath caught in my chest as I straightened up. Not with this hair! Not in this swimsuit! I panicked, but the smiles on their faces were infectious. I wrapped my towel closer around my chest.

  “Sure,” I said, waving them over. Just be cool. I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to fluff it up so I didn’t look like a wet mop, and tried to force my shoulders straight. I wished for the zillionth time that I looked more like Sugar, my Grandpa’s superhot actress girlfriend.

  The girls looked about six or seven, both with shiny red cheeks from the hot sun. A green bag overflowing with gift shop stuffed animals was slung over their shoulders, and their zoo T-shirts were baggy on them. A stab of jealousy nagged at me. Life was so simple when you were a little kid. Not like the nonsense I have to put up with.

  “We loved your presentation last month! I want to be you for Halloween this year! I got a hat from the gift shop and everything!” The girl with strawberry blond hair was practically panting she was talking so fast. She dug into her bag and pulled out the crumpled hat, tugging it onto her head. “How cool is it that you’re going to be in an actual movie?!”

  I smiled for another shot, but felt the strain in my cheeks. “More like a documentary,” I said, gripping my nails into my palm. “But it is definitely crazy!”

  There’s an understatement.

  It had been a few weeks since I’d been a part of a media circus at the zoo, but I was still getting recognized by some people. This is one of those ginormous changes I was talking about, and boy, was it taking some getting used to. Getting recognized in school is one thing. But just out wandering around the zoo? That’s some Level 10 bizarro right there.

  “Is it true that you’re named after an anaconda? And that you’re the youngest presenter here?!” The one with black hair stared at me with wide eyes. She lowered her voice. “I read that online,” she gushed. Her friend nodded wildly.

  I tried not to cringe. “Y…yes.” I said. A month ago I wouldn’t be caught dead admitting that, but they both beamed.

  “We know everything about you,” she said solemnly.

  Yikes.

  “What’s with all the construction signs?” They gestured to the roped off area beyond the polar bear tank. “Are you getting some new animals? Ooh! Are they going to be part of your next presentation?! Are they pandas?! I so hope they’re pandas!” They were bouncing again on their heels.

  I backed away slightly. All that energy was hard to handle, you know? Like they were little bugs about to land all over me.

  “Uhh,” I said. “I don’t actually know. It’s been really busy this summer so far, but I don’t know if we have any new animals coming.” I admitted. “It’s a lot of work to get new creatures here, so it only happens after a lot of planning.”

  “Ohhh,” they said. My hair was dripping water down my back now, which was freezing cold against my hot skin. I glanced up to their mom hopefully.

  “All right, girls,” she said, smiling gently. “Let’s not take up too much of her time. She probably wants to get dried off and enjoy the rest of her day!” She coaxed the girls away as I waved thankfully.

  “Bye!” They waved one last time as they left, chattering on the way.

  I wrapped the towel tighter and started to walk home, marveling at how much my life had changed.

  “Well, Darwin? Any ideas what this big surprise of Grandpa’s is? If you’ve overheard something now is the time to tell me.” I stuck a raisin through the bars of the cage on my floor, peering in to see his gli
ttery black eyes. Darwin is my African grey parrot, and despite being a total loudmouth he’s one of my best friends. He even lets me practice my presentations in front of him, and only gets excited when I talk about reptiles. You should have seen his face when I told him that he’s related to dinosaurs. Total drama queen.

  He ruffled his feathers and picked away at the raisin, ignoring me.

  “Thanks for all the help.” I rolled my eyes at him before I bounded down the stairs and slammed the front door of the research house that was our home for the summer.

  Luckily the polar bear tank was close, just beyond the lion pen. I didn’t know what I was expecting to see when I got there, but I really wasn’t expecting to see my whole family.

  “Mom! Dad!” I called as they milled about, looking about as confused as I felt. “What are you doing here?” I checked around us for cameras, but no suspicious cameramen were nearby. Honestly, it’s like Grandpa liked messing with my nerves.

  Mom whipped around. Her hair was messy, frizzing out around her hat. “Ana! We’ve been just waiting for you. Dad wouldn’t start without you.” She gave me a look that told me she was just as on edge about all this. The back of her zoo uniform was stained with perspiration.

  “What’s this all about?” I asked. I was almost afraid to hear the answer. Grandpa noticed me and clapped his hands together. Sugar stood beside him in her usual miniskirt and heels, wriggling with excitement.

  “We’re all here!” He cleared his throat, and I could tell a speech was coming on. Grandpa loved to have everyone’s attention. A few zoo visitors milled around, staring inquisitively. “As you know, I’ve been planning a little something as a surprise.” He turned to look at Mom. “Janie, you remember that summer we spent on that fishing boat? When you were six or seven?”

  Mom nodded with recognition, but she was still suspicious. Her hand gripped mine tighter. “Yes…”

  Grandpa smiled. “Well, I’ve been thinking, a little time at sea should be mandatory for all kids.” He gestured widely, with a faraway look in his eyes.