Sometimes Moments

by Len Webster

  Callum Reid is my nightmare, my dream come true.

  He’s my sometimes and my forever.

  He’s the man who will undoubtedly destroy the person I am.

  He will either liberate or kill my heart…

  And I would let him do it.

  I would let him crush my soul to redeem his.

  In some way, he had already achieved her forgiveness. He had put the doubts to rest. Throughout the years, she’d believed that it had been nothing but a lie to him, that his feelings for her had never been genuine. These doubts had clung to her heart and told her not to ever forget. But when he’d said that he was in love with her, those doubts had detached themselves and faded away.

  This is a now moment.

  She knew that it wasn’t a forever moment. The ending was close; she felt it in every beat of his heart and her own. Until she knew what a sometimes moment was, she would file last night as one of them. Sometimes didn’t mean all the time. Sometimes meant once, maybe twice. They were once, maybe twice. The thought had her heart beating fast in aches.

  “Your heartbeat picked up. What are you thinking about, Peyton?”

  The caressing of her fingers stopped at the sound of his voice. He didn’t move to meet her glance. Instead, he let his fingers trace the skin of her stomach. She held her breath and thought of what to say.

  The ending? That you’re in love with me? That I’m in love with you? Our ending?

  Peyton breathed out and let her fingers resume their strokes, not saying a word. Unable to trust the words that would come from her mouth, she kept quiet.

  “I meant what I said last night,” he said before he propped himself up and looked down at her.

  Peyton nodded her head at him and sat up, resting her back on the headboard. Then she let out a sigh and combed her hair with her fingers.

  “We just made things a lot more difficult, Callum,” she pointed out.

  “The sex part? Or the ‘I love you’ part?” he asked, sitting up and facing her.

  “Both.”

  Callum took her hands and pulled her into his lap, straddling him. She felt him under her, but the look in his eyes wasn’t just about making love again. There was something more and she hoped to find it someday. But for now she leant forward and placed a kiss on the cherry blossom that was on his shoulder.

  Her lips left Callum’s tattooed skin when he said, “Just because we can’t have forever doesn’t mean I’m going to love you any less, Peyton.”

  She straightened her body as she looked into his grey eyes. This morning, they were light, reflecting the honesty that was evident in his voice.

  No forever. We have love, but no forever.

  “Unlove me, Callum,” she instructed.

  He tensed and his face grew sad. His hands were on her waist, holding her to him almost as if he were afraid of her leaving.

  “Could you unlove me, Peyton?”

  She wrapped her hand around his left wrist and turned it over, looking at her tattooed name. Using her right hand to steady his wrist, she let her left index finger trace each letter.

  “No,” she said and met his eyes. “I’ve spent over four years trying to. Unloving you is impossible and so is loving you. Could you unlove me?” she asked once more.

  He gazed down at his tattoos, and a sad smile touched his lips. “No. Every part of me has loved you since the start. I could never unlove you, Peyton.”

  Even though she knew what the end held for them, she let herself fall in love with his words. This was what seventeen-year-old Peyton had wanted and what twenty-one-year-old Peyton had avoided. But in this moment, there was no difference. The Peyton in this moment loved him and his words. From now on, she’d only listen to ‘in the moment Peyton.’ She would be the one to benefit from his love for now.

  Bringing his wrist to her mouth, she kissed her name and then let her lips touch every tattooed cherry blossom up his arm. When she reached his shoulder, she left a lingering kiss on the largest one near his collarbone. Letting go of his wrist, she placed her hands on his cheeks and kept eyes locked on his. Then she breathed in deeply before she lifted her hips and positioned herself over him.

  “Love me as hard as you can for the rest of the moments we have together,” she breathed before slowly sank down on him.

  His fingers dug into her waist as he panted. Her breathing mirrored his, and she let out a soft moan. The feeling of being complete washed over her. Dropping her head to his shoulder, she stilled and memorised the feeling of him filling her.

  “If forever existed, I would have wanted it with you,” he whispered in her ear.

  Peyton’s eyes fluttered closed at his words. The same words that had caused her heart to shrivel and throb. Lifting her hips, she slowly sank back down. With Callum’s hands on her hips, guiding her, she repeated her movements, finding a rhythm of undeniable pleasure.

  Forever doesn’t exist.

  The concept of it all is just a process, a thought we create to give us confidence in our choices, a promise before the end.

  Forever is like a blooming cherry blossom, beautiful even after the wind has blown it away from home to settle on the tainted ground below.

  Peyton kissed his neck several times before she trailed her lips up to his jaw and then his ear. The way Callum thrust hard into caused her to moan as he took control.

  “If I could have forever with anyone, I’d want it with you, Callum.”

  Callum and I are cherry blossoms.

  We flourish.

  We taint.

  We lie about what we really want.

  We want a forever that has died long before us.

  Callum and I,

  We’re dying.

  Dear Peyton,

  I don’t know where you are in life at the moment, but I hope you’re happy. I hope that, whatever happens, you don’t hate Callum Reid. If you do, I’m sorry. That’s entirely my fault. In this moment, right now, it was a choice I made because I wanted him to make me happy. I wanted him to make me better. Being with him, I feel, and I haven’t felt in a long time. But you know that all too well.

  You’re probably reading this because he’s gone and you’re wondering why you did this. You love him, Peyton. That’s why. Because you would rather be loved by him for now than not at all. Whatever his reasons are for leaving this time round, accept them. You got a lot more than last time.

  I know that I should have forced him away a lot sooner, but he’s the one I can’t let go. I know he will break my heart, I knew that going into it all. But I’ve been lonely for so long that I just wanted to be loved by him, like I always have. I hope that he’s told you what ‘Sometimes Moments’ are, because I have a feeling it was what we were and all we could have.

  Maybe, in the short space of time he allowed us to have together, we had our forever. That’s what I’ll tell myself. It’s been a lonely life, Peyton, but it’s been a good one, without or without Callum. I hope that you’ve mended things with Jay and Graham. Being with Callum again made me realise just how much my love for them all differs. I love Graham more purely because he gave me the strength I needed. And Jay... I will love him for his friendship. But Callum I love the most. I have always loved Callum the most. I love him more than I love breathing. I love him more than the pain I have to endure to be with him and to save him. I love him more than I love myself, and I love him enough to sacrifice a forever with him for now.

  I know you’re hurt, Peyton. I can feel it right now. But your heart loves him enough to give up a future with him. You see, the heart is a funny thing. So vital yet so easily broken. It doesn’t take much to destroy an organ. But he will destroy more than that; he will destroy your soul and your belief. Give it time, Peyton. You will learn all over again. You will be okay.

  I know that, in the end, this is all worth it. I hope that you told him that he found redemption the moment he walked back into your life. Give him his freedom, Peyton. Let him walk away.

  Your heart will
beat again. It will find a will to live and love.

  I believe in you.

  Peyton.

  Pressing save and labelling the document “When he’s gone,” Peyton closed her laptop. Then she looked down at the rug to see him asleep near the fireplace, his designs sprawled across the floor.

  After they’d made love, he’d kissed her and lain next to her until he’d gotten off the bed and put his clothes on. The sight of him dressing had been an eye opener. Words were nothing in comparison to actions. And Callum’s actions had proved that this was temporary for them. He’d given her one last kiss before he’d said that he had to go home and shower.

  She hadn’t expected him at her bathroom door as she’d lain in the bath this morning. He had placed the designs on the sink counter, walked over to her, and sat next to the tub. He’d held her hand as they’d enjoyed the peaceful moment. By the time the hot water had turned lukewarm, Callum had let go of her hand and stood up. She’d tilted her head at him, and he’d kissed her forehead before telling her that he’d let her bathe. Once he’d walked out, she’d sat in the water until it had gone cold before she’d gotten out and changed.

  Now, sitting on the couch, she watched him sleep. He hadn’t been himself since returning to her house, his smile never quite becoming full and his eyes filled in concern. When she’d asked him what was wrong, he’d blamed it on a mild headache and exhaustion with working on the designs so late.

  Peyton removed the laptop from her lap and placed it on the blanket she had been using to cover her legs before approaching the fireplace. After picking up a log from the basket, she threw it in the pit and watched the flames inhale the wood.

  Turning around, she got on her knees and started to pick up the pens around Callum. She was just able to see the design of the lakeside dance floor, but he was sleeping over most of the design. Slowly, she pulled on the piece of paper that was under his arm. When she got it out from under him, Callum opened his eyes and sat up. She couldn’t help but laugh at the startled look on his face.

  “How long have I been asleep?” he asked, rubbing his eyes.

  Placing the paper on the coffee table, Peyton said, “Not long. Few hours, I think. It’s almost two.”

  Callum threw his head back and sighed. “Should have woken me. We missed lunch.”

  “You looked like you needed sleep. I got work done and prepped everything for when my first guests arrive on Monday. I’ve been busy.” She smiled and picked up the creased design. “Is this for the lakeside dance floor for the wedding?”

  She took in the design. It was beautiful. From what she could see, the dance floor would be an octagon. On the edges, small lights were to be placed in a cut in the wood, and in the middle would be a glass plate.

  “You like it?” he asked.

  Peyton couldn’t help the smile that developed on her face. “I love it.”

  “That’s a relief. It’s not quite done yet. I need to modify some of the measurements and add an inner row of lights. I want posts outside of the dance floor where we can have lights above them while they dance. On the water, I was thinking floating lanterns. That way, it adds to the scenery. I think Marissa would like that.”

  She could just imagine the bride and groom dancing after the sun had set. The way the lanterns would reflect on the water would be a perfect backing for photos. She couldn’t help the jealousy she felt. Marissa and Oliver’s wedding would be absolutely stunning.

  “It is going to be beautiful, Callum. Thank you for this,” she said gratefully.

  The concept was just what The Spencer-Dayle needed. It would be as beautiful as it had been when her parents had run the place. Callum Reid was her saviour.

  Peyton frowned the moment she saw the sullen expression on his face. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  Callum scratched his head and his shoulders sagged. “I’m leaving Daylesford tonight.”

  No.

  Peyton held the design tighter, almost ripping it. She had expected him to leave sometime, but the breathtaking ache in her chest proved that she wasn’t ready for him to go. Their ending had caught up with them. He would be gone in a matter of hours.

  She placed the paper in her lap and said, “Okay.”

  She wasn’t sure what else to say, but her eyes had started to water. Blinking quickly, she gave him a smile. When she went to stand up, Callum grabbed her wrist to stop her and pulled her into his arms. He held her tight against his chest, and that’s when the tears she tried to prevent started to roll down her cheeks. She would now know a life without him.

  Peyton wrapped her arms around his waist. It would be for the last time, and she’d memorise it and reflect on it later in life.

  “It’s only for the rest of the weekend,” he said.

  Peyton pulled back and stared at him. “What?”

  Callum’s hands cupped her face before his thumbs wiped away her tears. “Tonight’s Oliver’s bachelor party.”

  Relief poured through her. The end had once again been prolonged. She needed him for bit longer. Her heart wasn’t ready to let him go just yet.

  “I thought...” she managed out before she shook her head.

  “We have until the wedding,” he reminded her. Then he pushed back her hair and kissed her lips once.

  “What time are you leaving?”

  “I have to stop by my apartment before I see Oliver. I would need to leave town at about four.”

  Her eyebrows furrowed. “That’s in two hours.”

  “Yeah. I’m sorry. I’ve spent the week trying to tell you, but I thought I’d give you space. And then, well...” He stopped, referring to their confessions and the sex between them.

  “I have you for two hours.”

  He nodded. “You do. I’m at your mercy, Peyton Spencer. What do you want to do for two hours?”

  The grin on his face had her rolling her eyes. Peyton stood up and looked down at him. “I’d like you to hold me for two hours.”

  It surprised her to see his grin grow larger.

  “I can do that. I want to do that.”

  Callum stood up and threaded his fingers with hers. She peeked at and then smiled at their connection. Her heart approved of their hand holding with heavy beats against her ribcage.

  “Bedroom or couch?” he asked with a raised brow.

  “Couch,” she said, leading him to it.

  He picked up her laptop and placed it on the coffee table. Her eyes stared at it sitting on the glass top. Her letter to herself was saved there. For a moment, she had believed that she was hours away from rereading it. Pushing the thought of the letter away, she took in his chin dimple that she loved. Callum tugged her onto the couch, and she placed her head on the cushion, lying next to him. Then he shifted and placed his chin on the top of her head, before he wrapped his arm around her body.

  She felt his chest rise and fall against her back as she stared at her laptop. Less than two weeks. That’s what they had left. It would only be weeks until she read the letter she wrote. Weeks left of enduring the slow death of her heart.

  “I’ll be back on Monday,” Callum said softly.

  She held her breath. Déjà vu. In that one second, she was back in his arms in the forest. He had said the same words moments after she’d lost her virginity to him.

  Knowing these were potentially the last moments they had together, Peyton closed her eyes. “Okay.”

  Peyton stared at the calendar on her laptop. Tomorrow. He promised he’d be back tomorrow. But the doubt was still settled in her heart. She wouldn’t hold her breath. He had kissed her goodbye before he’d gotten in his car and driven away. This time, Peyton had watched. His kiss hadn’t felt final against her lips. But then again, if it had, she’d have ignored it.

  Her phone buzzed and she reached for it immediately. The moment that she saw his name, a foolish smile broke upon her face.

  Callum: Less than twenty-four hours, Peyton.

  Peyton: Unless something happens.

&nbs
p; Callum: Like?

  Like you could be in an accident like my parents. Like you could find the love of your life at lunch.

  Peyton: You might meet your future wife. If you do, stay with her. Spend all night with her. Make her laugh. Make an impression. Fall hopelessly in love with her. And most importantly, forget me. She will make it possible.

  She turned off her phone and placed it on her desk. It was the truth and it had needed to be said. It would make their goodbye easier if he were to meet her in the city. Peyton would be happy. She craved it to happen.

  There was no future with him. She had the hotel and Daylesford. He had the city and his job as an architect. There would be no compromise. She could never leave this town. She could never walk away from the hotel. It was what had kept her alive all these years. She lived for the hotel.

  “When am I ever going to see you happy again?”

  Peyton looked up to see Madilynne leaning on the doorframe of her office. She looked over her best friend and was instantly jealous. Madilynne was the beautiful one. She had the amazing, petite figure and the personality. But most of all, Madilynne was free. And Peyton was grounded, not meant to fly.

  She shrugged at Madilynne and reached for the folder that Jenny had left her. “Some people don’t deserve happiness, Mads.”

  Madilynne pushed off the doorframe and sat in the seat in front of her. “That is bullshit and you know it, Peyton. If anyone deserves to be happy, it’s you.”

  Peyton put the folder down and looked at her best friend. “Because my boyfriend left me days after I gave him my virginity and then, months later, my parents died in a car accident? Is that why I deserve to be happy above others? Because I’m slightly unfortunate?”

  “What happened to you, Peyton?” Madilynne stared at her as if attempting to find the old Peyton somewhere on the surface.

  “You know I’m right, Mads.”

  “This hollow shell of what you were saved your life, Peyton. I don’t like not seeing that smile you had and that love in your eyes, but you would have died, too. You should see that as the light to start over. We would have buried you. And that’s the worst pain any of us could have gone through.”