by Len Webster
The front door was always knocked on. But Aunt Brenda would answer and ask them to give Peyton some time. Jay had knocked on the door, too, but he was the last person she wanted to see. Callum dying had made Peyton hate Jay with more ferociousness than necessary.
Now, three days after his death, Peyton stood at a distance. Those who grieved him stood in her way of saying goodbye. She didn’t want to say goodbye. She still held hope that he’d be outside her window or at the pier or at their spot in the forest, but he wasn’t. Not a day went by where she didn’t cry.
“Cherry blossoms,” Graham said as he stood next to her.
She noticed the flowers in his hand and laughed. She actually laughed. “Lavender?” she asked.
He shrugged with a grin. “There’s that smile. He always did call me lavender boy. Why not get the last laugh?”
That smile he’d noticed faded as she looked down at the cherry blossoms in her hands. “I miss him. I can feel him with me, but I turn around and I’m alone.”
“I’m sorry he didn’t get the chance to tell you, Peyton.”
She picked up a loose cherry blossom and threw it with the wind, watching it fly. “He tried to tell me,” she said. “He also left me, thinking it was going to be better.”
“I know it sounds kind of cliché to say this, but I know he’ll always be with you, Peyton. He loved you more than you realise,” Graham said.
She only nodded in agreement.
Peyton gazed at the sight of people starting to make their way to the car park to head off to the lunch Mrs Reid had planned. Peyton wouldn’t attend, and the Reids knew that. She had seen them when she’d first arrived at the funeral house. The look on Mrs Reid’s face had broken Peyton’s heart. It hadn’t just been the look of a mother who had lost her only child. It had been the look of knowing that someone who had loved her son had lost him, too. His parents had arrived in Daylesford in a matter of hours the day he’d died, but they’d never crossed paths. They had been quick to take their son back home to the city.
“It’s time you left Daylesford, Graham,” Peyton finally said.
“What?”
“It’s time. One of us has to make it out of this town. Callum was right. There is something beautiful outside of our town, and for you, it’s Mads. You have to leave that farm and be with her. Your dad will be okay. I will visit him daily if I have to.”
This time, Peyton saw understanding flash in his eyes, and then he nodded.
“Give me some time to find someone who can mind the farm while I’m in the city. I can work from home, but I need someone to do the manual work. This goes two ways, Peyton. It’s time you left Daylesford, too,” Graham said.
It was her turn to nod. “Once the hotel is built and I get things on track, I’m going to see the world.”
A proud smile developed on her best friend’s face. “Where first?”
Peyton glanced at Callum’s grave before she looked back at Graham. “Austria. I’m going for the both of us.”
“That’s beautiful, Peyton.” Graham looped his arm around hers. “Ready to say goodbye?”
Peyton shook her head. “Never, but I’ll try.”
She took a shaky step towards the freshly covered grave. Then she swallowed hard at the sight of his headstone, his name carved into the stone.
When she reached Callum’s final resting place, Graham set the lavender on a clear spot, the countless flowers proving that he was a man loved by many.
“You loved her right, Callum. I’ll take care of her for you and I’ll keep her out of trouble. You’ll be missed, mate. Thank you for Madilynne. Thank you for making Peyton smile and laugh again. And thank you for coming back for her,” Graham said before he took a few steps back to give her some time with him.
Peyton set the bundle of cherry blossoms on top of his headstone and sat on the wet grass. As she stared at his name, her heart ached to see it mark his grave.
“I miss you. Words can’t express the pain and misery I feel. I love you, and saying it over and over again will never bring you back. I get why you didn’t tell me. I hated and loved that you didn’t. I get why you left the first time. Your mother said you wanted to leave once you found out about your tumour because you didn’t want me to see you suffer. And I also get why you left the second time. Graham’s right—you loved me right, Callum Reid. I promise to live a good and happy life for the both of us. Life is never fair, but you taught me it’s what you do with it because life is purely a cluster of sometimes moments. When they’re grouped together, they are the beautiful forever moments of your life.
“Thank you for our sometimes moments, Callum. They were beautiful and unforgettable. They are my forever moments. I like to believe that we were living the forever the universe was depriving us of. We made it to forever, Callum. And forever had never been so beautiful than when it was you.”
There were no tears. The reflection of their love and time together had her smiling lightly.
“I made it out of Daylesford. I didn’t get far, but I got past the signs thanks to Jenny. She misses you. So does Mads and Graham. But I miss you the most. I’m trying to live a happy life, but it’s been hard since you left. But you left behind reasons for me to keep going and find happiness in what I have. We had a love that most people will never experience. I’ll visit you in my dreams when I’m not in the city. I love you always. This isn’t me saying goodbye forever, not when I can see you and feel you in our sometimes moments,” Peyton said as she stood up.
She stared at the cherry blossoms her uncle had helped pick from her tree. They were beautiful and bright pink, a symbolism of him.
“Goodbye, Callum, my love.”
Peyton spun around to see Madilynne and Jenny talking to Graham. When they looked at her, Peyton smiled. They were her family. People who supported her through every loss and every pain she experienced. What she did from now on was for them and Callum.
“There’s somewhere I want to go before we head back to town if that’s okay?” Peyton asked once she walked to them.
“Wherever you want to go today and any day of your life, we’ll get you there,” Jenny said, a tear running down her cheek.
Looking down at her left hand and then her wrist, she nodded to herself. She glanced up at the clearing sky and breathed out.
God, if you’re listening, thank you for him. Thank you for Callum Reid.
“Six days, Callum. That’s how many days it’s been since I felt your last breath.”
Peyton sat at the end of her bed, holding the framed picture of his written love. Some days, she cried, and some days, she didn’t. On the rare occasion that she didn’t cry, she felt guilty that she wasn’t crying. People from the town still stopped by, but Peyton never answered the door. Her aunt still sent them away, asking for more time. Her uncle would stop by for a daily joke that would actually make her laugh, but then Peyton would stay in bed.
The feel of him was starting to disappear. He was becoming just a memory, and she hated it. She wanted to physically feel him breathe and move. She wished she had seen the signs of his failing health sooner; then she wouldn’t have had him work on the hotel. They’d have spent his last days together with no care. But Peyton knew Callum hadn’t wanted her to put her life on hold for him. She believed that was why he’d left town at seventeen, when he was first diagnosed.
Peyton placed the picture on her bed and turned her wrist over, following the letters she’d had tattooed on her skin.
Callum.
In her own handwriting, his name branded her skin just like her heart. The night after the funeral, she’d held her bandaged wrist to her chest, hoping somewhere he’d felt her love for him.
Suddenly, a knock on the front door had Peyton looking up. In the last two days, no one had knocked on the door, finally getting the hint that she wasn’t interested in talking to anyone. Peyton walked out of her room and towards the front door.
If it were Jay again, she’d do what she had done to Gr
aham moments after Callum died and slap him. No amount of apologetic voicemails and text messages could persuade her to forgive him anytime soon. She just needed time.
She opened the front door and was surprised to see Callum’s best friend in a suit, holding a box.
“Hello, Peyton,” he said. The life and joy in his eyes had been replaced with a miserable cloud—one Peyton knew well.
“Oliver, this is a surprise. How are you?”
His mouth tugged into a frown. “Like shit. I miss him, but I know it’s nothing compared to what you’re going through.”
“I miss him, too. Would you like to come in for cuppa?” she asked, but Oliver shook his head.
“No. Unfortunately, I have to get back to the city. I drove to drop these off for you,” he said, holding the box out to her.
Confused, she took the small, pink box in her hand and looked up at him. “What is it?”
“Callum left it behind. The day before his… The day before he called me to say goodbye. Told me that he left a box in his parents’ house and, after the funeral, I had to come by and give it to you,” Oliver explained and quickly wiped his eyes. It was evident that he had never experienced losing someone who he loved.
Peyton took a step forward and hugged him tight. Then Oliver let out a mumbling sob over her shoulder. After a minute, she untangled her arms and stared at the box she held in her hands.
“Every birthday or anniversary, he’d say, ‘I’m going to see here today. Today is the day I win her forgiveness.’ But each time he left to see you, he’d call and say he couldn’t do it. The first year of chemo he was a mess. When your parents died, he cried, and I had never seen him cry. He just said to me that you would never want to see him after their funeral. You see, Peyton, his last hope of being with you died when your parents did. Your father informed him on how you were doing and kept telling him of when it was a good day to visit. Your dad was the link Callum needed, and it got him through chemo. When they died, he knew he’d never get you back, so he tried less and less. When he found out that the tumour had returned, the first thing he did was call me and tell me that, this time, he had to do it. That’s when I told him that Marissa and I would get married in Daylesford like he had suggested.”
For the first time today, tears welled and then fell. Hearing that her father had kept Callum informed of her made her heart ache. Hearing that he had gone through chemo alone hurt her more. She wished she had been there to support him. For four years, she’d believed he was living the city lifestyle, but in reality, he had been just as lonely as she had.
“He loved you, Peyton. He never wanted you to see the sick side of him. Knowing him, he’ll never stop loving you. I know you were angry with him for a long time, but I hope you can see that he did it all to save you from a life he believed you weren’t suited for. He believed his tumour would hold you back,” Oliver explained.
“I’m not angry, Oliver. I was lonely. I missed him and I will always miss him. He claimed and took my heart. I understand why he did it,” Peyton said, looking up to meet his eyes.
Oliver smiled and nodded. “We’ll keep in touch, Peyton. You deserved a life together. I’m sorry it was taken from you both.”
Me, too.
“I’ll see you around, Oliver.” Peyton bid farewell as she watched him walk down the steps.
Oliver stared at the Reid’s house before he got into his car and drove towards the town’s exit. She too gazed over it. It would no longer be the Reid’s as they had placed it on the market after Callum’s funeral. Peyton never found out why the Reid’s had kept it vacant for over four years but she believed it was so they had another reason to return to Daylesford.
After closing the front door, Peyton stared at the pink box. She went into the kitchen and out onto the veranda. Then she made her way down the steps to the backyard and around the house until she stood under their cherry blossom tree. Taking in the beautiful pink flowers, they reminded her of him. She walked up to the base of the tree and placed her hand on the bark as though she could feel his heartbeat within the wood.
Peyton turned around and sat on the grass, leaning on the tree. Then she peeked at the tree branches to see the light thread through the spaces. She closed her eyes, and in that moment, she felt him with her. And felt his love within her. When she closed her eyes, he was alive with her.
After she breathed out, she stared at the box. She took off the lid to see an envelope. Then proceeded to pick it up and find that, under it, there was a camera and Polaroids in the bottom of the box. Her heart froze at the sight of them. Some looked years old while some appeared to be fairly recent. Placing the box in her lap, she looked at the envelope.
Her name was written in black ink, the same way he’d tattooed it on his wrist. Her heart jerked at seeing his handwriting, missing him even more so. For the second time today, she wiped the tears from her cheeks.
With a shaky hand, Peyton ripped the back of the envelope and pulled out several pieces of folded paper. Then she gave herself a second to prepare her heart before she read his final words to her.
Dear Peyton,
I’m not sure what I can say to make this easier for you and for me. But I am sorry. I never wanted this. I guess I didn’t get the chance to tell you. Maybe I avoided telling you because I was scared to watch you die in front of my eyes. It was selfish of me, I know. So give me a second. Right now, you’re asleep next to me. And I’m sure this is the last time I’ll hold you. As I write this, I’m saying these three words out loud to you:
Peyton, I’m dying.
I think I only have days left in me.
I’m hoping I still have days left.
Today, you smiled and I almost told you right there. I almost ripped your heart out with two words:
I’m dying.
You laughed today and I almost said: I’m dying.
You cried today and I almost said: I’m dying.
You held me today and I almost said: I’m dying.
You kissed me today and I almost said: I’m dying.
You made love to me today and I almost said: I’m dying.
You told me you loved me today and I said: I love you, too.
You slept today and I almost said: I’m dying.
You told me you loved me again today and I almost said: I’m dying.
You rested your head in my lap under the cherry blossoms today and I said: I love you forever, Peyton.
We sat in our spot today and I almost said: I’m dying.
I almost said goodbye today, but you said: I’ll love you more than each breath I take and each moment I live after you. I love you like the waves hug the shores, only apart for so long, always together by nature. I’ll love you even after every star burns out in our galaxy. I’ll love you even after the last breaths of forever are made.
You broke my heart today and I said: You’ll live a happy life.
You let me hold your hand today and I thought: You are my forever, Peyton. Never just my sometimes.
You woke up in my arms today and I almost said: I’m dying, Peyton. Please forgive me today.
I’ve mentally thought of the words I’d say to you. But how do you tell the love of your life that you’re dying? How do you willingly kill yourself before the tumour does? How do you watch the hope and love die in her eyes? How do you keep from telling her that you’ll never see her again, hear her heartbeat, hear her breathe, and hear her tell you she loves you? How?
The answer is: I don’t know how to and I didn’t want to.
There was never a good time to tell you. My plan was never to walk back into Daylesford with you telling me that you loved me back. I never planned to finally tell you that I loved you. I never planned on kissing you, holding you, making love to you, or seeing you smile at me. I never planned, but I hoped—no, I dreamed—for all of those. You, Peyton Olivia, are my biggest dream. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to witness all of life’s firsts you have yet to discover. You will make a beautiful fianc
ée, a beautiful wife, a beautiful soul mate, a beautiful mother, and a beautiful lover.
I want you to be all those for me. I’ve begged and tried to negotiate with the world. I never wanted a future more than after the tumour came back. If I could marry you right now, I’d do it. I’d kill for it. I’d give up an extra day of my life for you to be Peyton Reid, my wife, my soul mate, the mother of my child, and my ever-so-beautiful lover. If God gave me more time, I would make it all happen. But God gave me limited time and I wasted four years of it away from you. I didn’t want you to see me go through chemo. I didn’t want you to see me want to give up on life. I didn’t want you to think of me dying. I wanted you to live. I wanted you to find happiness and be free from me. I wanted you to be saved from me.
Weeks before I saw you again, the doctor told me that, this time, chemo didn’t work. My first thought was of you, not of my life. I needed to come back for you. This time, I had to make it past the sign. I had to be in breathing distance of you. I needed to feel your pain. I needed to know that being away was the best for you. I needed to remember why I left the first time. I love you, I have loved you, and I will always love you.
I don’t remember how we met. We were just in each other’s lives. But I’ll tell you about the moment that I wanted more from you. The moment that I knew I was in love with you.
I was walking home from town. Mum had me drop off some cakes for some of the businesses. I walked around the lake to see you sitting on the pier. You were watching the sun set. You watched it with this wonder and beauty. You were sixteen. You were beautiful. You had my heart in that moment. I had held your hand at thirteen, but at sixteen, you had my existence. I walked up to you and sat next to you. We were best friends, but this moment was magical. I knew that I loved you in that moment. You made my heart beat for a purpose. I asked you all the time, but this time, it was different. I asked you if you wanted me to walk you home with all my love and with all of my heart. Not because you were my best friend but because I was in love with you. I have been in love with you unconditionally. I have been in love with you for more than forever. You are my one and only love. I will always love you more than the last breath I take in life. I will love you more than the waves hug the shore. I will love you more and more with every day that passes us. I will love you after every star in existence burns out.
