by Marilyn Grey
“I have a confession.” She finally broke the comfortable silence between us.
“Yes?”
“There’s something I’ve been thinking about lately and it’s really eating at me.”
“What is it?”
She tapped her fingers on her legs and looked everywhere but my direction. I allowed the silence to take a seat at the table again, figuring she would escort it away when she wanted.
The clock on the wall ticked. Birds flew from branch to branch in the tree by her kitchen window. We took turns sipping our waters as I waited for her to usher silence away, but she never did.
I pushed my chair back and stood. “Well, I better get going. Now I have to go cry myself to sleep over this future blind date failure.”
“Oh stop.” She stood beside me and took my empty glass. “It’s not that bad. You never know, you may fall head over heels.”
I shrugged. “Doubtful.”
Heidi swept her hair into a loose bun in the back and caught me staring at her. We both looked away and I headed for the door. She followed. If I closed my eyes I could almost hear Moonlight Sonata in her steps. Something in the air. Something different about her demeanor today. Her smile seemed a little dim and her heart a little heavy.
“If you need anything, anything at all.” I said as I opened the door and stepped out.
“I know you’re there for me.”
I walked away from her weak smile and wished she would’ve opened up to me, but I figured she would when she wanted. Maybe I’m not the right person for that anyway. I found myself constantly wrestling between romantic and sisterly thoughts of her. Until I reminded myself that the reason I loved her the most was her unabashed faithfulness to her husband.
Friday snuck up on me quicker than I hoped. I opened my eyes and looked at the clock beside my bed. Ten in the morning. Most people already started the last day of their work week and then there’s me. Still in bed.
The shower water hissed in the background. Gavin had a big art show in Lancaster tonight. First Friday. They do this big thing every first friday of the month. All the art galleries and shops in Lancaster have little freebies and fun events. People walk around and love it. I went one time. Bored me to death, so I haven’t been back since. He goes to meet people and sell stuff. Understandable.
I rolled over and meandered to the kitchen, a magnetic force pulling me toward the orange juice. Not looking forward to this blind date.
The shower water stopped and Gavin walked out a few seconds later.
“What are your plans for today?” he said. “Want to come with me to Lancaster? I could use some company.”
“Nah. I’ve got big plans.”
“You? Big plans?” He walked into his room.
I stayed in the hallway and leaned against the wall. “I promised Dee from Chances that I’d go on a blind date with her friend there, the owner.”
“Oh yeah? Decided she isn’t too snobby for you after all?”
“I saw her the other day. She looks pretty low key. Who knows. I’m doing it more for everyone else than I am myself.”
Gavin got dressed, made a quick breakfast, we talked about random stuff, and he left. The rest of the day went by slow as can be. Dee told me to meet Ella at a nearby park at four. When the clock finally hit three I showered and put on my nicer jeans and a normal black t-shirt. Looked in the mirror a few seconds, laughed at myself, and walked out the door.
It was nice enough outside to walk instead of bothering with the car. So I took shortcuts and alley ways and found myself sitting on a bench in the middle of the park, waiting for another woman to let down. Not that I thought I was better than her. Definitely not. Just that I knew most likely it wouldn’t work.
There was always something that kept me from happily ever after. Just wish I knew how to figure that out and get rid of it.
Ch. 19 | Ella
My heart raced all day. Even kept me from sleeping. I didn’t think Dee would actually set me up with Converse shoes, but she did. And I couldn’t get him out of my head since. Over and over I played scenarios in my mind and helplessly watched as they took up residence in my fertile heart.
Now, a few minutes before walking out the door to meet him, I wanted to run back inside and call it off. What if it was him? The him? What if he didn’t recognize me? What if we didn’t like each other?
I didn’t want to see my dreams in the trash can. At least when dreams are out of reach they maintain a hope that doesn’t surface. But there isn’t much hope left underneath when a dream dies.
I walked the streets of Philly to a nearby park. We said we’d meet on a bench in the middle.
Butterflies swirled and fluttered in my stomach. I wiped my palms on my jeans and told myself to breathe. As I rounded the path of the park I saw him. Converse shoes loosely tied. Legs spread. One hand on his left leg, right arm resting on the bench.
He looked familiar, but could it really be him?
I stepped behind a tree and looked closer, squinting to see through the rays of sun in my eyes. He shifted and looked in my direction. I jumped behind the tree. Hand on my chest, I tried not to laugh. How ridiculous of me.
I turned to peek again.
“Ella?”
My eyes stayed down. On his shoes. The same shoes from that long lost day. Same color, same loose laces. No doubt in my mind.
“I’m sorry.” I looked into his eyes. Analyzed his face from the messy blonde hair to the stubble on his defined jaw. “I probably look like an insane person. So embarrassing.”
He laughed. “It’s okay. I have a great love for trees too.”
I smiled, still analyzing his face. Still wondering. I couldn’t tell. This wan’t how I wanted it to be.
He stared at me. Curiosity lingering in his gaze. I felt like we were swimming around, looking at each other through different glass bowls. Just breathing and waiting.
“You look so familiar,” he said.
I came up for air. “You do, too.”
“Oh, I know what it is.”
My heart dropped.
“You are in those photographs hanging in Chances, aren’t you?”
My heart dropped again. Not exactly the romantic twist I longed for. “That’s me. My friend Sarah is a photographer.”
“Sarah?”
I followed him to the bench. “Yeah, she’s my roommate. Best friends for a long time.”
“I think she knows my roommate. Gavin. He’s a painter. He’s been friends with this girl for a long time. She does photography and they’ve been teaching each other a thing or two. I think he has a secret crush on her, but he has never said anything. He holds his feelings inside a lot and I’m not strong enough to yank them out of him.”
“I think they are friends. One of the paintings he sent to Chances was a beautiful one of her. I completely forgot about that now.”
We sat down. On complete opposite sides of the bench.
I smiled.
“What’s the smile for?” he said.
“I just think it’s funny that we’re sitting so far from each other. This isn’t the climactic day I thought it would be.”
He inched closer. “How’s this?”
I laughed.
“What kind of climactic day were you hoping for? I’m sorry to disappoint you. I have a way of doing that with the ladies.”
“No, no. It’s not you. I guess I’ve just been living a fantasy life for so long, hoping one day I’d fall in love with Jane Austen passion. I think all this daydreaming is starting to make me feel like a five-year-old twirling around in a fluffy dress.”
“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I loathe blind dates like this. How can two people really fall in love with all this pressure? It’s just awkward to me. I always wanted to find my love across a coffee shop or on a street corner. Ours eyes would meet and we’d know and the rest would be history.”
I looked down and pulled at a loose string in the hem of my shirt. Inside my mind we
nt crazy. This seemed like the him I’ve been waiting for all of these years. But this definitely didn’t play out like I thought it would. In fact, I couldn’t even bring myself to ask him if that really was him all those years ago, because obviously he didn’t remember or care to remember me all of those years. How could I tell him that I fell in love with him across a coffee shop, but he didn’t fall in love with me? He would think I was nuts if I told him I waited for him.
I wanted to go home.
“Have I offended you?” he said. “I can inch even closer if you want.”
I smiled. “You are quite the charmer, huh?”
“Indeed, I try.”
“Tell me about yourself. Why are you single and why are you sitting here with me?”
“Wow. Loaded questions right off the bat.”
“I’m sorry. I tend to do that. Please don’t feel pressured to answer them.”
“Well, I don’t know. We’re on a date. Are we supposed to talk about why we are single?”
“If I told you why I was single you would think I’m crazy. Your story can’t be nearly as odd.”
“Now that’s got me intrigued.” He stood. “Let’s walk this way for a little.”
I stood and followed. “Were you in a serious relationship before? There has to be a reason your friends want you to go on blind dates. Dee told me your friend has been trying to set you up with different women for the last few months.”
“Yes. It’s true.”
“And you didn’t like them? How many?”
Hands in his pockets, he smiled. “Will this interview be documented?”
“Am I asking too much? Just tell me.”
“It’s fine. Just funny, that’s all. I only went on two dates. The first one was enough to make me never want to do it again and probably sent her to the psych ward. The second was beautiful, but a little too beautiful if you know what I mean. And there’s this other girl, but she’s a young pregnant widow, and, well, I don’t see that working out.”
“Sounds like you might want it to?”
“Honestly, I’ve thought about it. She’s pretty, sweet, and funny. But the main reason she stood out to me is the main reason I can’t be with her even if I wanted to.”
“And what’s that?”
“She’s been faithful and plans to be faithful to her late husband for the rest of her life. She said no man will ever be worth taking off her ring. It’s endearing to see someone so devoted, willing to sacrifice the rest of her life for him. It’s amazing to me because most women spend their lives planning their wedding day and living happily ever after with their husband, but her happily ever after died and she has no desire to continue writing the story without him.”
“Wow.”
We kept walking. Our strides in sync. Our eyes ahead. We left the park and ended up on a street corner. I kept walking and his hand grabbed my arm. A car whipped around the corner, music blaring.
I liked his hand on my arm, but everything about this felt so strange. What kind of bizarre movie did I jump into?
“You want to get something to drink?” he said.
“Sure.” I followed his lead. “Just not from my place.”
“So, tell me your odd story of singleness.”
“Let’s just say it’s strikingly similar to your friend, except my husband isn’t dead.”
“You are married?”
“Never been married. Never really had a serious relationship. What about you? What sparked this blind date adventure?”
“I’ve had two serious relationships. One would’ve never worked, but it broke my heart nonetheless when she left. The second ended not too long ago.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because I’m stupid. Maybe my head is in the clouds.”
“I’ve heard that one too many times myself.”
“So you’re a wee idealistic too, huh?”
“Maybe.”
He opened the door to a little coffee house. I slipped inside. He followed and motioned for me to sit by the window.
“I’ll go get us something to drink. You save us a spot here.”
“Sure.”
I sat and waited for him, watching him as he paid. Kindness emanated from him. Physically, no matter how many times I eyed the guy up and down, I couldn’t tell for sure if it was the guy I’d been waiting my life to see or not. I needed to ask.
He walked to the table with two iced teas and a plate of snacks.
“So your friend that likes Sarah.” I squeezed some lemon into my tea. “How did you two meet?”
“Gavin? Him and I were friends since high school. Both ditched by our dates at a dance and been inseparable ever since. We worked at a coffee shop for a little bit right after high school, then lived in. . . .”
He kept talking, but I didn’t hear a thing. My heart stopped and I knew it had to be him, but sadly, I didn’t want it to be. This isn’t how I wanted the story of my life to be written.
“What about you?” he said.
“What about me?”
“You and Sarah? How did you meet? Is she single, by the way?”
“She’s with someone. Unfortunately. Or we could play Cupid ourselves. We met forever ago. Same school, same dreams. Complete opposite in every other way though.”
“Sounds like me and Gavin. If he has any trace of idealism in him it’s hidden. Sometimes I just want him to spill his heart so I feel a little less crazy, but he rarely does and when he does it always sounds so calm. I can’t imagine being so stable.”
I laughed. “I know what you mean.”
“So you’ve never been in a serious relationship?”
“I know it sounds unbelievable. I just never gave my heart away. Wanted to save it for the right person.”
“How will you know when it’s the right person?”
“I am beginning to wonder that myself.”
People walked by the window. So many couples. And then me. Sitting with the man I waited my entire life to sit with. The man I passed up many other opportunities for. The man I created Chances for, with the hope of finding him and falling in love. I’m sitting here wishing I weren’t sitting here with him. Wishing I never missed that flight, never ended up at that coffee shop instead, never got into that car accident, never broke my arm, and never stopped playing my violin.
My choices left me without any choices. At the end of a long road that just got lonelier. Every rational thing someone has said to me over the years crashed into my heart like a tsunami of the reality I never wanted to face. Now I was drowning in it.
They were right.
“Tell me about the relationship you recently ended. What happened? Why did it end?”
“It’s a long story. And I honestly don’t know if I understand it myself. I guess I wanted to find someone different, experience something else.”
“Do you love her?”
“I don’t know.”
“How can you not know if you love someone?”
“I guess that’s just it. I don’t know, so maybe I don’t.”
“How often have you thought of her since you broke up?”
“Constantly.”
My heart could handle this. I let him go. The idea of him died when the real him stepped into my life. I could handle this, I kept telling myself.
“Like right now. The way you are twirling your hair around your ring finger. She did that. Everything reminds me of her. You didn’t put sugar in your tea. She put two of the little pink packets in hers. I compare every detail of every woman I meet to her, and somehow everyone pales in comparison.”
“It sounds to me like you love her. Why aren’t you willing to accept that yourself?”
“I don’t know. I guess I wanted to fall in love again. Or feel that newness again. Just experience someone different. Someone more like myself.”
I laughed. “Like yourself?”
“She loves music, but I play music. She spends hours on her hair, I don’t. She works wit
h kids with disabilities, they are so fragile that I clam up around them. We’re so different.”
“And why is that a bad thing?”
“I guess it’s not.”
“Can I give you a little bit of advice?”
“Well, I guess that’s what blind dates are for, right?”
I smiled. “We’re friends now and that’s all we’ll ever be, because you are going to march right up to this girl and profess your love to her.”
“I am?”
“Look, you are so enamored by your friend who stayed faithful to her deceased husband. I can almost guarantee you that this girl of yours—what’s her name?”
“Lydia.”
“I can almost guarantee you that Lydia is waiting for you right now, the love of her life who is practically dead to her. You, by choice, wanted to die to her. You wanted to try to let her go and find someone else. Fact is, you can’t. You’re still in love with her. And I will bet you money that if you went to her right now and proposed to her she would whisper yes with tears in her eyes.”
“She’s probably moved on. I kept her waiting around for too long. I hurt her so many times. There’s no way she’d want me now.”
“Would you like to bet money on it?”
He laughed and stood. “Let’s head back.”
“Actually, there’s a nice jewelry store on the corner of this block. Let’s head there.”
“Are you kidding me?” He opened the door for me. “This is about the strangest date I’ve ever been on.”
I laughed. “You love her, Matt. You love her. You love her. You love her.”
“I guess I do.”
We walked down the street and I caught our reflections in a glass building. Never imagined I’d meet him and send him off to marry someone else. Never imagined my life to end up like this at all. But things were about to change in my life too.
The time had come.
Ch. 20 | Matthew
It felt like an eternity as I waited for Gavin to come home from Lancaster. I couldn’t wait to tell him about my day. When he finally walked through the door I practically jumped on top of him. Okay, not really, but I paced the living room waiting for the door handle to turn.
