Max, Daniel, John and I went out occasionally as a group subsequently in attempts to cheer me, but John was fairly distant and never tried anything again, no doubt feeling utterly rejected as I seemed to prefer being alone and miserable to being with him.
After a while, I found that I was able to live with my depression and hide it somewhat from my friends and coworkers. I wasn’t the same as I was before Will, but most people who knew me would say that I had improved.
I had one lapse in terms of a bad day and that was on Will’s birthday, November 12. Thinking about my birthday celebration and that I would have attempted to equal it for Will upset me greatly. I arranged for a large group of my girlfriends to go out with me that night to a bar in Hollywood to take my mind off if it.
I drank heavily, which lowered my inhibitions, including the wall that was hiding my pain, and I started to toast Will on his twenty-sixth birthday. My friends gave me sympathetic looks and I’m certain that I must have looked particularly pathetic. They tried to distract me to no avail. I kept returning to the topic of Will’s birthday. In my drunken state, I considered this my celebration of it. I almost texted Will to wish him a happy birthday, but I was still angry, and didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I was still pining for him when he clearly wasn’t pining for me. I knew that I was going to feel particularly awful the next day and not just from the after effects of so much alcohol.
Things returned to their normal colorless state the next day, albeit with a raging hangover.
Before I knew it, it was time for Bar results. I was terrified. It was public information so my firm, my friends and anyone else could find out whether I passed or failed. Thankfully, I passed. I would be able to hold my head high when I went to work the next day. I was extremely grateful that I wouldn’t have to go through that horrendous exam again.
There were a lot of congratulations when I arrived at work in the morning. I made and received calls congratulating and being congratulated by law school friends. A number of the attorneys, including the head of litigation, took me out to lunch to celebrate at one of the private clubs in Downtown L.A.
As usual, John sat next to me, and Max and Daniel were sitting nearby. John didn’t say a whole lot to me at lunch though, remaining hurt that I hadn’t turned to him after my breakup with Will. It was as if there was a continuing push-pull struggle going on inside of him. He had to be near me, but he ignored me once he was.
When I returned to the office after lunch, I found a massive vase full of carousel roses waiting for me on my desk, with a brief note in Will’s handwriting. “Congratulations – I knew you would pass. W.”
What the hell? I hadn’t heard word one from Will in two-and-a-half months. There was no way I was keeping these roses. I thought about throwing them away, but instead, gave them to my secretary, Marie, for her to take home so long as she kept them out of my sight today.
It took every ounce of willpower I had not to pick up the phone and call him or text him to find out what he was thinking. It tortured me to think that he could do what he had done and still possibly care about me. No, he couldn’t possibly. If he loved me as I loved him, he never could have left me. I shut the door of my office and started to cry.
I didn’t get a whole lot accomplished that afternoon.
Toward the end of the day, after my tears had dried up and while I sat there in a daze, there was a knock at my door. It was Max.
“We’re taking you out for drinks.”
“Who?”
“John, Daniel, and me. We need to celebrate. You’re one of us now.”
I agreed and we went to one of the nicer bars on Bunker Hill to celebrate.
“Come on. You should be happy,” Daniel said as he handed me my first drink. I must have still looked dazed.
I tried to put on a smile. “I am. It still hasn’t registered with me yet, I guess.”
John looked at me a little concerned, but said nothing.
“Well, congratulations! You did it!” Max exclaimed and we all clinked glasses.
I was drinking hard liquor tonight, spiced rum and Coke, and at quite a clip. The drinks felt good in that the alcohol served to numb me a bit and the sugar perked me up a little. After a while, though, it was clear that I was going to have to stop. So much for my hollow leg.
“I’ll take her home,” John volunteered when it was obvious that it would be a very bad idea to put me behind the wheel of a car. I don’t mind. I’ll pick her up tomorrow and take her to work as well.”
Max and Daniel agreed. Unlike John, they had girlfriends to get home to that night.
Chapter Forty-Two
John was quiet in the car most of the way home. The cool air as we walked back to John’s car and the passage of time during the long ride home in Friday night traffic to the Westside served to sober me up a bit. The numbness I wanted to feel was wearing off.
“Are you going to be okay?” John finally asked as we started to get closer to my place.
“I feel fine.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“I know. I had imagined I would be celebrating passing the Bar differently, that’s all. I’ll live.” I was certain I wasn’t very convincing.
“I’m sorry. I’m glad, anyway, that I got to celebrate with you.”
“Me too. I’m sorry I’m such a drag today. It’s just . . . he sent me flowers after all this time.”
John’s voice was quiet. “I know. I heard.”
“What is he trying to do to me? It was getting better. It really was. Now, I’m back to square one again.” I started to cry softly.
We pulled up in front of my apartment building. John got out of the car, walked around it, and opened the door for me to help me out of the car. The cool air sobered me up more. It was starting to make even more of the numbness go away. I started to cry a little harder. John put his arm around me and walked me to my door. When I opened the door, I let him follow me inside and he closed the door behind him. He walked up to me and put his arms around me to hug me. I shook as I continued to cry in his arms. I was hurt and angry. As had been the case for the past several weeks, John made no effort to take advantage of the situation.
As I got angrier and it started to outweigh the hurt, my tears started to subside and I hugged John more tightly. John continued to hold me gently and started to stroke my hair.
I then made a bad decision. Well, I don’t know that I rationally decided anything, but my inhibitions were lowered and I kissed John on the neck.
He pulled away from me and looked at me questioningly, like he couldn’t believe what I had just done. I had spent months rejecting him. I could see the stunned disbelief, but I could feel the desire still there. I could also sense that he was fighting himself from reacting and responding to my advance.
“I’m not going to take advantage of you when you’re like this,” he said, trying to convince himself as well as me.
“What do you mean ‘when I’m like this’? What’s wrong with me? Just because Will doesn’t want me anymore . . .” I was angry.
“No, no. Don’t be mad. I’m trying to do the right thing here.” John looked sad.
I leaned closer and kissed him on the lips. He responded slightly.
“You’re making this hard.” John appeared tormented.
I started to use my hands to make it clear what I wanted. John’s words may have been against me, but his body contradicted them.
“Oh, Shannon, you have no idea how long I have wanted this.” Upon saying that, he gave up his resistance and kissed me back with a lot of enthusiasm.
I pulled away after a few minutes, took his hand and led him into my bedroom.
I now had him on the same page with me, but our plans diverged again. He wanted to make love to me. I wanted to have sex with him. There was a world of difference. He tried to linger over all of the details. I wouldn’t let him. I was all business. I shortened the process quite a bit and, when it was over, I spooned
with him. I didn’t do so to be loving and romantic. I just didn’t want to have to look at his face. Silent tears fell from my eyes. My anger was spent and all that was left was the pain.
“What was that?” John asked as he held me.
“I don’t know,” I responded honestly.
John turned me around and forced me to look at him. I could see the hurt in his eyes. I felt terrible. I had used him. I owed him better than that. I owed him not to have done what I did, but it was too late for that.
I decided, actually decided, this time that we would do it his way now. I wouldn’t necessarily “make love” to him, but I would allow him to make love to me. My motives were still ultimately selfish. I wanted comfort and solace now instead of an outlet to vent my anger and frustration, and I was taking advantage of John’s feelings for me to get what I wanted. But, at least this way, I could fool myself into thinking that he would get something out of it too.
“I’m sorry. I want you. Let’s try this again.” I gave him a long, drawn out kiss, and ran my fingers through his hair. He responded and we spent the evening lingering over all of the details. There wasn’t the fire that Will and I had, but John was definitely good at this and was making a great effort to please me. I finally fell asleep in John’s arms, having pushed aside some of the pain for now, knowing that it would return the next morning.
I woke up with my alarm and started what had been my morning routine with Will – brushing my hair and teeth, and cleaning up any smeared makeup. The thought of Will made me rush through what I was doing so that I could climb back into bed and have John make me forget my pain again.
A while later, John and I both showered and I got ready for work. John’s plan was to drive me to work and go home to change. If we both showed up at work together late and at the same time, it wouldn’t look good for us.
After I arrived at the office and turned my computer on, Daniel walked into my office.
“Did you get home okay last night?”
I answered nervously, “Yes. Fine.” I looked down and pretended to start working.
“You look a little hung-over. Are you going to be okay today?”
“Yes. Fine.” I repeated and I still couldn’t look at him.
“You’re acting strange. Oh, no. You didn’t, did you?”
“What?” I tried to act innocent.
“John loves you, you know, and has for a long time now, even when he was with Ashley. It’s probably why Ashley left him. You’re really going to hurt him.”
“I’m not doing anything.”
“Yes, you are. If you ever had any real feelings for him, you would have done something about it already. He’s given you every opportunity even when he shouldn’t have. You’ve rejected him time and again, so why now if it wasn’t just a one-night stand to get you through a rough night?”
“It wasn’t to just get me through a rough night.” I realized then that I had just admitted what I had done.
“Yes, it was. The world heard about the flowers from Will yesterday. That had to mess you up. With everything you’ve been through, how could you turn around and do it to John?”
“I don’t want to hurt him.”
“Too late. You keep doing it - repeatedly.”
“Well, what do I do now?”
“Either love him back or let him move on and find someone who will.”
“I can’t love anyone or anything right now the way I am.”
“Then there’s your answer.”
I had never been lectured by Daniel before. I had the feeling that John probably had and often.
“You talk to John this way?”
“All the time.”
“What do you tell him?”
“To move on.”
“Does he listen to you?”
“He was getting there. When you showed no interest in him after your breakup with Will, I think it finally dawned on him that it was never going to happen for you two. Of course, you just ruined that last night.”
“I’ll fix it.”
“I hope so.”
I didn’t see John all day. I was told that he was working on a deal and had clients in the office most of the day. I waited around even though I could have gone home. It was ten o’clock at night before he came to my office. We were the last two in the office. I spent most of the time while I was waiting for John trying to formulate what I would say to let him down easily and try to remain friends.
John walked into my office, smiling excitedly. He closed and locked the door, came over to me, and held me.
“You waited. I’m so glad.” He kissed me and I couldn’t help but respond, even though I knew I shouldn’t. My plan to be good went out the window as he started to kiss me hungrily and I couldn’t think of anything other than how I wanted to be wanted so badly. It was like part of the hole that Will created by making me feel unwanted and unloved closed a little as John kissed me. I knew that it wouldn’t permanently heal me, but it helped for now and so I surrendered to John.
Afterward, John held me and we looked out my window at the lights of Downtown Los Angeles. I looked over at my desk and realized that I was never going to look at it the same way.
“You know, John . . .” I sounded serious.
“Shhh.” He put his fingers to my lips. “Not now. Please don’t spoil this. I’m so happy right now. We can talk later, can’t we?”
“Yes, I guess we can.”
We continued to stand there, holding each other and intermittently kissing. John was happy. I was pain-free for the moment.
We went our separate ways that night, with my excuse that I needed some sleep to be ready for a new client meeting the next day and to pack for the Thanksgiving weekend since I was planning on visiting my parents in the Bay Area.
I was lucky that John didn’t press too hard because I would have caved in and gone home with him. The more time I spent with him in this way, the harder it would be to disengage, which was what I needed to do. If John had realized that fact, I imagined that he would have pressed harder to get me to go with him.
The next day, I told John that I wanted us to have dinner together.
“A real date,” he replied, excited by that prospect.
Not really. Fortunately, I did not say that out loud.
We went to a quiet place near the office that was not very crowded since it was a Wednesday night and the night before Thanksgiving. As we walked to the restaurant, I held my purse between us so that John could not hold my hand. We sat across from each other at the restaurant and each ordered a glass of wine. I kept my hands in my lap for fear that he would try to reach across the table for them.
John stared at me and I would not meet his gaze. I busied myself with taking a sip of wine and looking at the menu. I was not looking forward to this conversation. We ordered and made small talk about our day.
After our meals were served, John said seriously, “You wanted to talk to me.”
I looked up and he appeared to be bracing himself for something unpleasant.
“I did.”
“Well?”
“John, I really care about you and the last few days have been great.”
“But,” he interrupted.
“Yes, you’re right. ‘But.’ I’m not in a position to be in a relationship with anyone right now. I’m still in love with Will and I don’t know how not to be. And while that’s still the case, I can’t really love anyone else.”
“I don’t care if you can’t love me yet. I just want to be with you. I love you.” His eyes were pleading.
“I know and I wish I could say those words to you, but I can’t.”
“I told you I don’t care right now. I understand.”
“Do you understand that my being with you is weak and selfish, and only to give me some relief from the constant pain that I feel because of Will?”
“I don’t care.”
“You should. Being with me would be a half-life for you. You would be giving love and get
ting none in return, and preventing yourself from being out there and finding someone who would truly make you happy. Can’t you see how unfair that would be of me?”
“I don’t see it that way. I would get you.”
“No, you wouldn’t. You would get sex from me and that’s about it.”
“I would have your friendship.”
“You’ve always had that and always will if we stop this now. If we don’t, someday, and probably in the not too distant future, it will end and end badly. And then we lose everything. I don’t want to lose you.”
“But you don’t want me either.”
“You think this is about me not wanting you?”
“Yes.”
“Then you haven’t been paying much attention the last few days. My wanting you is what started this. I’ve always been attracted to you.”
“Is that true?” He stared intently as if he couldn’t bring himself to believe me.
“Yes. I think even Will sensed it. He was always jealous of you.”
“Really?” John seemed shocked.
“But when I met you, you had Ashley. And, then, eventually, I had Will. The problem there is that, with Will, I found the one person I wanted to be with forever. He is it for me. I don’t know how to live without him and I can’t imagine finding anyone else for me. So, to some degree, I’m ruined. I’m going to have to figure out how to live without him and be happy anyway. I can’t do that if I am using you as a crutch.”
“Please don’t do this. Please let me be there for you.”
“I will. As a friend.”
“Friend with benefits?” he said, hopefully.
“No. Not even holding hands. I know what those hands can do now and I don’t think I can resist you if you touch me.”
“Then don’t.”
“I have to. Please.”
After dinner, we walked back to our cars and I didn’t know how to say goodbye. As I started to walk away toward my car, John grabbed my hand and pulled me close.
“This is it, you know,” I said, knowing that he wanted to say goodbye properly.
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